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My Girlfriend and The L-word...
JLM-AWP
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey guys. I have been struggling with this for a while now. I really need some impartial advice, as all of my buddies are being less-than-helpful with bias due to my unhappiness and their want to see me happy (plus they've seen less of me since things are getting more serious with the girlfriend).
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6.5 months now, and things, as a whole, are going pretty well. We spend a lot of time together, we really enjoy eachother's company, she lives very close to my place, and our physical relationship is fantastic. I am fast-approaching 24 and she is 25. I think this may be the biggest factor in my problem.
I have been in love before. Once. With someone I have known since I was 9. It didn't really have an ending, but I definitely got the emotional experience I need to make educated decisions on my more recent relationships. This being said, I am very careful about saying and not saying what I mean when it comes to these things, since it is incredibly important to me to be honest and truthful.
Now for the rough part. My girlfriend is in love with me. She's been beating around the bush about it for a couple of months now, and brings it up a couple times a week in odd ways that she thinks are hiding her intentions/expectations. I have told her before that I'm not sure how I feel about our relationship as a whole, but that I don't doubt that I will feel the same given more time, at the rate things are going now. Basically, she wants to tell me, but won't until she's sure I'm going to say it, too.
Last night, she tells me that she has something she wants to tell me, but can't because I'll get mad. I know exactly what she's talking about, but I'm not really wanting to discuss this since it is very hard for me to, since this is the biggest rock and hard place I've ever been between. Then she started crying. Now today, she has expressed that she is upset with me. I understand that she is upset because I don't feel the same way as her, but what is she trying to do here? She knows where we both stand with this...how can I get her to just understand that I will tell her when I feel that way? Is she trying to make me feel guilty and using that as a way to just say "screw it" and tell her something I don't truly feel? This SCREAMS neediness and low self-esteem on her part, but maybe I created this.
In any case, I can't be a part of any more awkward conversations, nor can I continue to avoid her questions, because it's slowly tearing us apart. In addition, I think the tension of this constantly coming up is leaving me with a semi-permanent bad taste in my mouth that is preventing me from going to the next level of attachment with her. I leave myself open to criticism and advice because, well, I trust you guys to help me explore different options of handling this and maybe shed some light on some things I'm not realizing or doing. Thanks in advance everyone.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6.5 months now, and things, as a whole, are going pretty well. We spend a lot of time together, we really enjoy eachother's company, she lives very close to my place, and our physical relationship is fantastic. I am fast-approaching 24 and she is 25. I think this may be the biggest factor in my problem.
I have been in love before. Once. With someone I have known since I was 9. It didn't really have an ending, but I definitely got the emotional experience I need to make educated decisions on my more recent relationships. This being said, I am very careful about saying and not saying what I mean when it comes to these things, since it is incredibly important to me to be honest and truthful.
Now for the rough part. My girlfriend is in love with me. She's been beating around the bush about it for a couple of months now, and brings it up a couple times a week in odd ways that she thinks are hiding her intentions/expectations. I have told her before that I'm not sure how I feel about our relationship as a whole, but that I don't doubt that I will feel the same given more time, at the rate things are going now. Basically, she wants to tell me, but won't until she's sure I'm going to say it, too.
Last night, she tells me that she has something she wants to tell me, but can't because I'll get mad. I know exactly what she's talking about, but I'm not really wanting to discuss this since it is very hard for me to, since this is the biggest rock and hard place I've ever been between. Then she started crying. Now today, she has expressed that she is upset with me. I understand that she is upset because I don't feel the same way as her, but what is she trying to do here? She knows where we both stand with this...how can I get her to just understand that I will tell her when I feel that way? Is she trying to make me feel guilty and using that as a way to just say "screw it" and tell her something I don't truly feel? This SCREAMS neediness and low self-esteem on her part, but maybe I created this.
In any case, I can't be a part of any more awkward conversations, nor can I continue to avoid her questions, because it's slowly tearing us apart. In addition, I think the tension of this constantly coming up is leaving me with a semi-permanent bad taste in my mouth that is preventing me from going to the next level of attachment with her. I leave myself open to criticism and advice because, well, I trust you guys to help me explore different options of handling this and maybe shed some light on some things I'm not realizing or doing. Thanks in advance everyone.
JLM-AWP on
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Life isn't a TV show or a movie, 'I love you' is just something you say to the person you're dating.
That's love. I love my family. I love a close group of friends.
I hope you love her. It sounds like you do.
I was almost expecting pictures.
I'd just enjoy the moment. You might be dead before the 'future' comes.
I pretty much agree with Filler. If the relationship matters to you - that is, if you feel that it is valuable not just because you like having sex with this girl - then say that you love her. It's probably not even that far off the mark. If the relationship is merely instrumentally valuable though then get out now. It's probably not fair to string your girlfriend along.
Also, am I the only one who thought this topic would be about lesbians? Edit: Apparently not. Good.
If she has fallen in love with you, it is no surprising that she desires that you fall in love with her too. She has progressed emotionally to that spot, and it's very important to her that you feel the same way about her, for obvious reasons. Switch your roles, and try to imagine what is going through her head; if she feels like she loves someone who doesn't and could possibly never love her back, there are going to be problems.
This is definitely a rock and a hard place, all I can recommend is that you talk with her sincerely about what the word Love means to you. Explain to her why you are hesitant to use it, and explain that this does not mean that the relationship should end, but rather that it should progress naturally like it has been thus far.
Still, if she simplifies it down to "I love someone who does not love me back," what can you really say to that?
EDIT
Can you say 'I love you' and mean it in the way that she does? Does she have a different definition of love? If you love her the same way she loves you, then you can say it and mean it the way she means it.
There's good odds that even she doesn't know, exactly.
Yeah. People need to accept that in a relationship, it's not necessary for 100% of the care that they have for the other person to be reciprocated. That's not to say that you don't have strong feelings for her, of course. It doesn't make any sense to be upset at someone because of their feelings, as long as they are honest about them.
Also, don't put it that way to her. Have you told her everything in your post, aside from the neediness and low self-esteem part?
If you don't then don't lead her on when she wants something more. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to you. There's nothing wrong with breaking up with her because you don't love her. It's better to do it now then later.
Yes, numerous times, actually. I told her that it is harder for me to get to an emotional place than it is for her, judging from her past relationships and ours so far. I'm an insanely realistic person. She will ask me a question like, "Will we be together in 6 more months?" And I will answer with, "I don't know, I hope so. At this point, I don't want what we have to end." She will get upset at me because I didn't say "yes."
Now that I think about it, I think her lack of emotional independence (she is never NOT in a relationship) subconsciously turns me off or rubs me the wrong way. By me just saying "I love you," I'm just giving in to something that I don't believe in. I'm not being proud or difficult, it is just how I feel. I'm afraid that if I say those words, it will act as a catalyst for her in our relationship. She is a pre-school teacher, she's almost 2 years older than me. She is ready to start settling down. I am not. I have told her this before, plenty of times. I just want to wait and make sure that how she feels about me is a result of actual love or just a good substitute for loneliness or emotional neediness (she recently moved to my area and is a decent distance from friends.)
My advice is look to the future, not the past, get past this notion of "realistic" appraisal of a relationship, that's just nonesense to keep a barrier between you and her. Also if possible seek counseling it sounds like you haven't gotten over a previous relationship and got into a new one too soon.
pleasepaypreacher.net
nobody knows their future and everyone hopes for the best, but personally... if I had a girlfriend of 6+ months that I had strong feelings for and she asked me, "will we be together forever?" I sure as hell wouldn't start my answer with an "I don't know" - I'd probably smile, say something like "of course we will!" and kiss her.
she likely isnt asking this so you can sign a contract to not end your relationship in the next X time frame... she wants to know that in your head, you plan on keeping this relationship going. It doesn't sound like you are at all sure you want to stay in it to be honest...
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Definitely the truth. I wish I knew that in previous relationships.
Being kind of a dick to her isn't being "realistic".
"Boss, Will I have a job in six months?"
"I don't know, I hope so. At this point, I don't want what we have to end."
O_o
She's asking if you two have a future together. Do you?
Shit or get off the pot.
I agree, what you are passing off as realism is probably just a device you're using as a way to save yourself any grief if it does ever end. If I were you, I would drop that, and stop giving wishy-washy answers when she asks you questions like that one. By saying "maybe we'll be together in six months," it's almost like telling her she's only good enough for you until you find something better.
I think you really do love her, you just don't want to say that to yourself to prevent getting burned later on down the road.
Think real hard about it and decide if you actually do love her, thats my advice. Maybe you'll understand why you don't want to say it, and maybe even correct it.
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My advice is don't say anything you don't mean. If you're not sure that you love her, tell her what you are sure of.
"You're amazing. I treasure every moment I spend with you. I've never been as happy as I am when you're around."
Possibly just use the word whenever you can outside of an actual "I love you". Maybe her just hearing it will help.
"I love doing suchandsuch with you. I love it when you *insert fond memory here*."
Make a direct reference to it if you need to.
I know you're looking for the l-word here, but to me love is a word that gets thrown around a lot, and when I say it I want to be damn sure that I mean it.
Smile, kiss her, and give her the biggest hug you've got in you.
Also, I'd like to say that given the subject, I'm disappointed in the lack of lesbian content in this thread. So very, very sad.
pleasepaypreacher.net
if you feel it, tell her. It doesn't change anything. It's just a word. If you feel it, express it. If you don't, don't. You can fall into love, you can fall out of love. You can love her now but not love her if you find her cheating on you and sacrificing your family pets.
Next time you have some alone time, just ask YOURSELF. We don't know how the hell you feel. Your alone time doesn't even have to be good alone time -- you could be driving to work, sitting on the toilet, eating dinner, whatever. Think about what you love and ask yourself if you love her. It's not that big of a deal.
I regularly tell my wife that I love her, but I got over the petty "i love you moooore" because she just said "yeah that's probably true, you're crazy."
It's a white lie with good intentions.
I'm not saying tell her you love her when you don't. But you seriously screwed up the answer to the "will we be together in 6 months" question. You were supposed to give an emotional answer, not a realistic and logical one.
Actually, not to be a contridicting asshole, but I think the problem is the opposite. I don't think I'm in love with her. I think I'm not and that I won't be for a while. I don't know how long it's gonna take, and how could I? I just don't think it is very fair of her or fair to myself to have pressure put on me about how I feel about someone. I can't help, just like she can't.
Hmm...your guys' responses seem to be almost uniform, in that I need to make a decision. This can't go on in limbo. I think tonight I'll tell her the truth, whole-heartedly, and see what happens from there. Maybe we'll end it, maybe we won't.
At this point, I'm realizing that I can't have someone depend on me for ALL of their emotional support. Some I can handle. Love I can handle, but it seems like everything she decides or does rides on me and every problem she has is pushed in my direction. I think the bottom line is I'm fooling myself into believing that I'm ready for a serious relationship. Epiphonies suck sometimes....
pleasepaypreacher.net
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There are different kinds of love. After 6 months, a person wanting to say "I love you" isn't unnatural or needy. It's also totally natural for her to feel a bit upset at this point that you're not willing to say it yet. If the roles were reversed, you'd probably be feeling like poo right now too.
In any case, what I'm getting at is - if you feel a level of love for her, then tell her so. Later on, you can take the step to being *in* love if you're feeling it. If you're feeling no amount of love at all at this point though, then you should also be re-examining your future with her.
She simply wants to have her feelings reciprocated, but if you're not feeling it now, that probably won't change.
I will offer one last piece of advice: If you do not love this girl (or are not 100% positive that you do), for god's sake don't tell her that you do. It will cause more problems than it solves, believe me. Good luck.
Others like my friend's ex-girlfriend were barely going out for 2 weeks and she popped the word on him. I liked Tal's advice on the subject. Instead of taking the leap of saying "I love you". You can take the middle of the road and simply say "I care for you" and actually mean it.
Tell her that she can tell you anything thing wants.
Some people can take a ridiculously long time, but you really need to figure out whether or not you will fall in love with her or not. If you will stay there be brutally honest and say I'm not but I'm getting there, or I'm sorry there is nothing there and I don't want this to turn into a relationship on convience.
Also never answer a relationship question with I don't know. The second part (I hope so) works fine. I don't know puts a big rubber stamp that says "DOUBTFULL" on the next sentance.
Satans..... hints.....
and
Yeah, sounds like you're not ready for anything serious. 6.5 months is waaay more than enough time to make up your mind. Thats not neediness on her part, thats just pure selfish lameitude on your part. You are asking her to put everything on hold while you sort your shit out, and frankly, I'm surprised she's putting up with it.
If you felt it, or were going to, you'd have done it by now. I suppose there is the option you don't want to say it because you are scared of commitment, an affliction all to common to the penis-bearing race. Everything I see here could be just a rationalization of that fear- its not uncommon, and pretty much everybody goes through it. I ain't saying settle, if it doesn't feel right for the love of god pull out while you still can, but to be fair to her, you need to shit or get off the pot. Good luck with whatever you decide, hope it works out.
Your mileage may vary. It sounds like you are less prepared for commitment than I was. People have said you can't choose who you're attracted to (which is probably true), but I think if you are in a relationship with someone you are attracted to and care about, you do have some degree of choice on whether to love them or not.
This is one of the most profoundly true observations about love I have ever heard. Tip o' the hat man, tip o' the hat.
You know Sarc, I had all afternoon to think about what you said in this post....well all of my free time at work anyway. Then an hour train ride home. I realized that I'm not settling. Not even close. I see this girl every night and still, every night, I can't wait to get home and see her. Why the hell am I trying to get rid of that? When I got to her place last night, I told her that I hadn't had any really long relationships that got as serious as we are, and it scared me a bit. I told her that she meant more to me than I thought possible at this point (which is actually 100% true), and that I love her.
And you know what? I'm happy. Thank you everyone for your help. I think I grew up a considerable amount last night. Not surprisingly, I've ended up with 3 text messages in the last 45 minutes all saying nothing but "I love you!"
Oh god, what have I done? :P
You have started the doomsday device...
Count down to "So when am I going to get an engagement ring?": T-minus 2 years.
Just kidding. We are all glad you finally manned up and said what is on your mind.
Really, Im not kidding on the engagement thing...or am I...
Tell you love her next time you're at the climax of your blowjob. That's real love.
The thing I've learned about Love over the last several years is that sometimes it's not all exciting and amazing like it was when I had a crush on a girl in Highschool. Mostly it's just that I want to spend every day with my wife, and that I'm happy when she gets home. I miss her when we're apart and that's a pretty big confirmation that I love her. Do I get butterflies in my stomach? Maybe once in a while, but that doesn't really matter to me anymore.
As for this: That'll change too. Long term relationships are never equal things. It's never a 50/50 split of emotional stability and support. It would be nice if it was, but it isn't. There are times when one person needs to give 100% and the other person needs to receive. But those times never last forever, and situations will reverse themselves. If her family died in a car crash you'd probably be there for her, and it would suck for a while since your relationship probably wouldn't be as much fun as it used to be. But if the situation were reversed, wouldn't you want her there by your side?
The right thing, based on the rest of your post.
(I also thought this thread was about the other L-word)