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Girl thread: bluh.
altface4321
pgroome@penny-arcade.comRegistered User regular
pgroome@penny-arcade.comRegistered User regular
It's 3:00am, and I figure I need to get this off my chest instead of laying awake in bed with no air conditioner.
I'm 25, and I've been dating my girlfriend for just over two years. This is the longest and best relationship I've ever had. But I think I'm starting to go over that 'girlfriend' hill and I just can't see her face in the far future. And it's bumming me out.
She's a fun, nerdy girl and I love spending day to day with her, but over the last while, and it's nothing she's doing to make me feel this way, it's more situational. She's going into her third of four years in school (I graduated almost four years ago from the same school), and I feel like there's this disparity in equality between us. She's still learning and figuring out herself, and while I'm more than happy to be the teacher and give advice, it's starting to wear me out (I'm already established in the field she's studying in). I'm starting to feel like my partner should be an equal and peer, and not a student. Also, being the boyfriend of a college student has been a bit like going through school all over again. I support her in all her school work, and try my best to help out where I can. We were planning to move into the city when she graduated (I work from home, so can work anywhere), but I've been recently feeling pangs of wanderlust. Almost all of my current friend circle has moved, or will be moving to the city, and I don't know if I can stay in this small outskirt town for two more years. I fear I'll start to resent her for 'making' me stay (she's not forcing me to stay).
Now here comes the tricky part. She's currently living with me for the summer, rather than move back home and suffer her parents (who just got divorced. fun.), and I have no real wish to kick her out before school starts (when she will move back into her rented townhouse). With two and a half months to go until then, what's the best way to handle this? Like I said, I still enjoy spending time with her, and we get along great. I don't want to sour that and have to sleep awkwardly in the same bed, but I also fear being disingenuous about the long haul. Part of my wants to repress my feelings about the future and just enjoy the time left, then half the talk once school gets going. I think I've come to the conclusion that I like the person she'll become, more than the person she currently is. I don't think there's a way this relationship can progress to the next level when we're at different stages of life (good job me, for going after a school girl)
I've never been the breakup-er, and it's almost as bad as being the breakup-ee. I really care for this girl, I know it will hurt me greatly to have to hurt her.
Buh... writing this really didn't make me feel any better, especially as she's sleeping soundly two feet away.
I'm 25, and I've been dating my girlfriend for just over two years. This is the longest and best relationship I've ever had. But I think I'm starting to go over that 'girlfriend' hill and I just can't see her face in the far future. And it's bumming me out.
She's a fun, nerdy girl and I love spending day to day with her, but over the last while, and it's nothing she's doing to make me feel this way, it's more situational. She's going into her third of four years in school (I graduated almost four years ago from the same school), and I feel like there's this disparity in equality between us. She's still learning and figuring out herself, and while I'm more than happy to be the teacher and give advice, it's starting to wear me out (I'm already established in the field she's studying in). I'm starting to feel like my partner should be an equal and peer, and not a student. Also, being the boyfriend of a college student has been a bit like going through school all over again. I support her in all her school work, and try my best to help out where I can. We were planning to move into the city when she graduated (I work from home, so can work anywhere), but I've been recently feeling pangs of wanderlust. Almost all of my current friend circle has moved, or will be moving to the city, and I don't know if I can stay in this small outskirt town for two more years. I fear I'll start to resent her for 'making' me stay (she's not forcing me to stay).
Now here comes the tricky part. She's currently living with me for the summer, rather than move back home and suffer her parents (who just got divorced. fun.), and I have no real wish to kick her out before school starts (when she will move back into her rented townhouse). With two and a half months to go until then, what's the best way to handle this? Like I said, I still enjoy spending time with her, and we get along great. I don't want to sour that and have to sleep awkwardly in the same bed, but I also fear being disingenuous about the long haul. Part of my wants to repress my feelings about the future and just enjoy the time left, then half the talk once school gets going. I think I've come to the conclusion that I like the person she'll become, more than the person she currently is. I don't think there's a way this relationship can progress to the next level when we're at different stages of life (good job me, for going after a school girl)
I've never been the breakup-er, and it's almost as bad as being the breakup-ee. I really care for this girl, I know it will hurt me greatly to have to hurt her.
Buh... writing this really didn't make me feel any better, especially as she's sleeping soundly two feet away.
altface4321 on
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It's clear that you're still conflicted. I think the best course of action for the both of you is to wait and see how you feel at the end of the summer. Maybe after you think about it a little more, the right choice will be a little easier. If you really like her, two more years of waiting for her to finish school may not seem like that much. And it sounds like you two have a lot in common.
Sometimes the grass is greener, but sometimes it's not.
You are making a mistake considering dropping this girl.
You are at the age where you think you are suppose to be free, and the idea of something more permanent probably scares you and you are looking for excuses. Very few people actually see the face in the future as you put it, and in many ways thats a bad thing because it establishes a pedistal that you expect her to be on and if she does not meet it, you are dissapointed.
As for her 'level' as you put it, shes still in school which is very different from a job. you have no idea what her skills are going to be in a work environment. She could surpass you in a year of a similar job. Would you want to be dumped by her for the same reasons you consider it now?
I'm dating someone 10 years younger than i am and shes for all purposes just getting started in the workplace. I'm happy for that, but its not my job to evaluate her work, its my job to give her support.
You could be throwing something away that you will regret greatly for the rest of your life. The reasons you are giving are not enough to give up on it.
I mean, I'm just spit-balling here, but it occurred to me based on your statements
Also, your odds of dating "the girl she will become" are greater if you don't dump her now, just fwiw.... Are you entertaining some scenario where you break up with her, ho around, and then check on her when you think she's ready to come out of the oven? Don't do that.
I host a podcast about movies.
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Where are you living right now, and how far away is the city you plan on moving to?
I'm trying not to put my judging hat on, but it seems like something else is going on. If you really do like this girl and have a good relationship, you shouldn't see her as unequal or not a peer just because she's still a college student and you're graduated. Actually...you shouldn't feel that way regardless of how the relationship is.
Like others have said, you need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel, maybe try and find a way you can move into the city and be close to your friends (because that's what it sounds like you really want and the main issue is) and still have a relationship with her...if you really do like her.
If teaching her about something you know about and she is learning is a hard thing to do... well, why is it hard? Does it make you go through the stuff again (which isn't the most enjoyable thing), or is it the act of teaching that's frustrating?
I wouldn't go opening this can of worms with her YET, it sounds more like discussion with others (us, or a friend, or a teacher or your mom/dad or something) will help you figure out what there is in you that is making this a problem. Wanderlust is not abnormal, but realize what you have. It seems like you have a stable, nice, compatible lady; that's what many people go wanderlusting after; what would you go looking for?
Friends move on, away, or apart. It sucks, and there are exceptions, but that's just life. I wouldn't chase friends at the risk of losing a possibly great spouse, ymmv ofc.
Finally, one person supporting the other while the other goes to school is basically a part of marriage (frequently), and with "moving in" being a common precursor or alternative to marriage anymore, you shouldn't feel too weird about that, she's just at a slightly different stage that you; it is unlikely that you will ever be perfectly career-paired with a spouse, since one of you will always be more or less motivated than the other, so you'll always see one person raising kids instead of pushing their career as hard as the other, one person moving into management, or the other person starting their own business, etc. There are no perfect equals or peers (yea, there are exceptions, so this statement isn't strictly true) in marriage, it's more of a partnership between two people who made have disparate qualities.
So what do you actually feel? Do you see no future for you and the GF? Do you resent supporting her?
Do you feel like you would kill your relationship if you moved to the city after the summer, and could she attended school online? Anyway, good luck, but realize that much of your feelings are kind of idealistic, so you have an understandable, but sort-of wrong perspective about how life plays out.
TylerJ on League of Legends (it's free and fun!)
I'm not sure dating somebody ten years your junior ever makes sense until you are 40, but even so, what azith is describing are two people in the working world - at different point in their professional careers, sure, but there's much less daylight between two working adults and a working adult and a student, especially an undergraduate student.
If she's a fun, nerdy girl attractive enough to land a boyfriend, I wouldn't worry about her that much. She won't have a problem finding somebody else to date.
One of the best things about a long term relationship is that it's not as fickle as the rest of life is, or at least it shouldn't be. You don't need to keep up with anyone, you don't need to meet deadlines, you don't need to report to anyone, there are no mandatory milestones, you're not trying to compete not to be the one who gets laid off, none of that.
Of course as you are aware, relationships take effort, but they are the safety to which you flee when life drops you off at the end of the day.
You, like me, are only 25 years old. You have a long time to satisfy your wanderlust. Give her the time she requires just as you were given the time you required by those who gave it to you. If it's extremely important to you to be able to converse with an equal in your field, and it's equally important to you that you be in an intimate relationship with that person, then all you have to do is wait another three, four years, when the difference between your experience and hers is negligible. It's not like she's going to be new in the field when you've got 10 years experience. Four years isn't all that much in the grand scheme of things.
Take some time and look inward, and I think you'll find that you don't hire your girlfriend. You love her- or at least, what you say makes it seem like you do. And if you love her, and you are compatible, and there are no problems with the relationship part of your relationship, you have very very little to worry about.
You also sound like you have your mind made up that it's over. I know i do this in my life. i completely rationalize the breakup in my head, and even look forward to life after the fact. so much so that i'm completely closed off to trying to work it out. If you aren't at that point, talk to her, it could be that she'd be fine with you moving to the city at least, or maybe even taking a break until she is done with school. basically, don't make the decision for her, unless you are absolutely sure you are done.
Most of all though, I would not wait the whole summer. If you are going to end a two year relationship, you should not do it at a time where she needs to focus on something like school. I speak from experience - school can be a welcome distraction, but mostly the heartbreak is just a distraction from school. Don't rush into a breakup, but if you're certain that it needs to end, I think you should give her the summer to recover so she's not scrambling to hold herself together (and find a new place) as school starts.
Tough call, but I agree on many of pterabite's points. It sounds like you've already thought about this for a while, though. If you don't feel good about your thoughts/feelings now, I advise that you not wait until she starts school to talk to her about how you feel, even if it is only two months away. There never seems to be a right time to break bad news, but based on experience, if it's a serious conversation, it's better to have it in person and at a time when neither of you is otherwise distracted so that you can each take the time you need to think about these things and work through them or decide to go your own ways. If you wait until she's at school, her work will probably distract her from being able to process things with immediacy and due attention while the upset in your relationship will distract her from focusing on her studies and functioning optimally; in this situation, for her, it could end up feeling like a maelstrom.
If she's in her undergraduate education, I understand the feeling of disparity between the two of you. Just as you grew and changed over those years, she will too (which is a good thing!). It sounds like the disconnect between you two is a difference in life-stage and feeling like she may not understand you on your level, perhaps because she has yet to experience the same things that you have in school, life, and work; and so, you feel like her teacher. I think that as she finishes school things will get better. She will also develop and grow more into herself. On the other hand, she could question her identity and become an entirely new, or different person. There is much she has yet to encounter at that stage. I wouldn't worry that she won't meet new people and find herself. I think that what would hurt her more than you breaking up with her is feeling like you took pity on her by letting her stay with you while you led her on that things were OK. It sounds like you really support the idea of her finishing her education and coming to know herself, which is great! The thing is, if you like the idea of your gf changed more than who she is now, you could be headed for a dead end; for one, you don't know what kind of woman she will emerge as when she finishes school. Ideally, I think, you should love and want your partner for who he/she is.
I'm not saying that you should break-up with her. I agree with pterabite in that you should think more about why you want to end it and why you want to stay together. Whatever is negative you should talk to your gf about so that you understand each other and so that she knows how you really feel. Be honest about everything because she'll want to know. And please, don't wait too long.
Good luck.