Club PA 2.0 has arrived! If you'd like to access some extra PA content and help support the forums, check it out at patreon.com/ClubPA
The image size limit has been raised to 1mb! Anything larger than that should be linked to. This is a HARD limit, please do not abuse it.
Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!

New girlfriend has very (very) attached best friend.

EliminationElimination Registered User regular
edited June 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
I've never really had this kind of problem before, and I assume someone out here in the forums probably has, so I'd like to see maybe how they dealt with the same problem...soo here goes...

I recently met someone after about a year and a half of avoiding relationships. Technically I still wasn't really looking for one, but as they say...when you aren't looking is probably when it will happen. In any case I really like this girl, and she admitted that she is very into me as well. We started out as just kind of friends, hanging out and such, with her and her circle of friends (We share a few friends in common, it's how we met.). Her best friend is another girl, and they hang out with each other A LOT, so much so, that me and said new girlfriend can't seem to get any time alone, we can't even seem to chat on facebook without this best friend getting offended in some manner.

Now to be clear, I actually like the best friend most of the time, and would never ask her to ditch her best friend, and I do my best to not make this best friend feel like a third wheel so I generally do a "hands off" approach when we are with other her, or other people as I know how much it sucks for anyone to feel like a third wheel. Now this new girlfriend and I started becoming a lot closer over the past couple weeks, and started trying to have our own alone time, our own private conversations ect and ever since this started happening the best friend has started turning into a real pain in the ass. Every time my girlfriend and I start talking or hanging out without her she gets real bitchy, sends bitchy text messages and lays on the guilt trip on my girlfriend about how we are ditching her and how we are going to leave her behind or something. We can't seem to get a single day alone. We even all went out to the bar once and the best friend had a big freakout after about how all the guys like my girlfriend and don't like her and asked me why I like my girlfriend and put me in this huge awkward situation. I think the worst part is is all the guilt tripping she pulls on not only my girlfriend, but she's started doing it to me too now. It makes me feel bad and its making my girlfriend feel bad for the two of us wanting to be together.

Now my girlfriend is VERY VERY picky with guys, she has never really even had a real boyfriend, and is still a virgin. She's 25. It isn't because she is ugly or unattractive or something (Far from it, shes very pleasant and very attractive personality and looks wise.) and I'm the first guy she's ever really been interested in seriously. Now this situation is already really hard on me, as I am not a virgin, and this is not my first time to the ball game, so to speak. But I really like her and as I wasn't looking for a relationship when this all came about, I am totally cool with taking things really slow, in fact I prefer it right now.

Now my girlfriend has gone to visit family for 2 months in Australia (where she is from, but she lives where I live the other 90% of the time.) and so she's been skyping me a lot and keeping in touch, she actually didn't even want to go to australia, because our relationship is still fairly fresh and she didn't want to leave me for 2 months. I pushed her to go as I think family is important and she doesn't get this opportunity very often. I mean I can live 2 months with just skype dates, I'm ok with that. So off she went. Now her best friend is getting pissy because she is skyping with me a lot and keeping in touch, and is complaining that my girlfriend "doesn't need her best friend anymore" because she has me now and all this. Is really laying on the guilt tripping. She is also doing it to me, asking me to come hang out with her and stuff, and asked me to spend the night at her house (Which i did when my girlfriend did a couple times.) but I told her I wasn't comfortable with that but i'd be happy to hang out some time. Now comes today, she asks me to hang out, I tell her I can't I have homework to do (My final is in August.) so she goes off on me "Oh now beacuse (my girlfriend.) isn't around now we aren't friends." Once again putting me in a really awkward situation.

I just don't know how to deal with it, this best friend was fine at first, but it seems like the closer my girlfriend and I get the worse she gets. This isn't fair to me, or my girlfriend, especially since my girlfriend is so picky with men. I mean it I don't think it's fair at all that she finally found a guy she really likes (me) and her best friend decides its a good opportunity to act like this, I dont want this best friend to drive us apart with this crap and I am really worried that's what will happen. My girlfriend does not seem to be interested in the least in splitting up, but that doesn't mean this isn't going to cause problems for us...

So any advice would be awesome.

PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
Elimination on
«1

Posts

  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    H/A relationship advice answer the first: have you said all this to your girlfriend? Say all this to your girlfriend.

    Your girlfriend's best friend has some major boundary issues and needs to be talked to. Hearing it from you isn't going to do any good; it has to come from your girlfriend.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited June 2012
    admanb wrote: »
    H/A relationship advice answer the first: have you said all this to your girlfriend? Say all this to your girlfriend.

    Your girlfriend's best friend has some major boundary issues and needs to be talked to. Hearing it from you isn't going to do any good; it has to come from your girlfriend.

    Oh my girlfriend knows, we've actually talked about it a little. But it's a touchy subject and it's hard to approach for both of us. I don't hate the best friend, but I also don't want the best friend to stand in the way of either of us, I just think shes' being incredibly self-centered right now. Some days she's ok, but any days that my girlfriend and I spend any length of time together without said best friend being involved in some way it's becoming an issue. It wasn't when we first got together, but it is now that we're growing closer. I can tell it isn't just bothering me, it's bothering my girlfriend too, and it's making her feel bad which isn't fair, she shouldn't have to feel bad for meeting someone she likes.

    Elimination on
    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    The dangers of dating someone who is new to relationships when you are yourself not new to relationships is having to go through all the childish crap you thought you were past again.

    And the whole 'best friend is jealous of time spent with boyfriend' is very much a first relationship type problem. Before you came along, the best friend had your girlfriend all to herself. Now she has to adjust. Assuming she's not insane, she will, given time. When she tries to guilt you just clearly say things like 'so-and-so still cares about you... but we like each other very much and enjoy our time together.'

    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA

    https://medium.com/@alascii
  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    DodgeBlan wrote: »
    The dangers of dating someone who is new to relationships when you are yourself not new to relationships is having to go through all the childish crap you thought you were past again.

    And the whole 'best friend is jealous of time spent with boyfriend' is very much a first relationship type problem. Before you came along, the best friend had your girlfriend all to herself. Now she has to adjust. Assuming she's not insane, she will, given time. When she tries to guilt you just clearly say things like 'so-and-so still cares about you... but we like each other very much and enjoy our time together.'

    Yeah I don't think it helps much that the best friend has no boyfriend and has no "prospects" for one. As I said, I actually like the best friend most of the time, and have no problem hanging out with her or involving her in some of the things we do. But I do have a problem with the guilt trips and crap. The best friend obviously wants to be good friends with me as well, she asks me to hang out even though my girlfriend is gone to Australia. So I don't want to give her a reason to not like me or something and cause some kind of void that would damage my relationship with my girlfriend.

    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • NotYouNotYou Registered User regular
    The obvious is that your girlfriend needs to have a talk with her.

    The internet advice is: You need to set up the clingy friend with one of your friends so she has someone else to spend time on.

  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    NotYou wrote: »
    The obvious is that your girlfriend needs to have a talk with her.

    The internet advice is: You need to set up the clingy friend with one of your friends so she has someone else to spend time on.

    OP should note that "internet advice" means "sarcasm." :P

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    My girlfriend hasn't had a serious talk with her, I think she's a bit scared to. I have a feeling that talking to her about it might make her even worse and she might just counter the discussion with more guilt tripping and how we are just trying to ditch her or something. Because that's how she seems to go whenever I mention that me and my girlfriend have done something without her.

    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • NappuccinoNappuccino Registered User regular
    Just have a nice little sit down with her and explain that the friend is important to both of you but your personal 1 on 1 relationship is also important to you. That you'll do your best to balance out both relationships and so on.

    Like to write? Want to get e-published? Give us a look-see at http://wednesdaynightwrites.com/
    Rorus Raz wrote: »
    There's also the possibility you just can't really grow a bear like other guys.

    Not even BEAR vaginas can defeat me!
    cakemikz wrote: »
    And then I rub actual cake on myself.
    Loomdun wrote: »
    thats why you have chest helmets
  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    My girlfriend hasn't had a serious talk with her, I think she's a bit scared to. I have a feeling that talking to her about it might make her even worse and she might just counter the discussion with more guilt tripping and how we are just trying to ditch her or something. Because that's how she seems to go whenever I mention that me and my girlfriend have done something without her.

    Yeah. It's not going to go well, but your options are you passively accept it, in which case it will definitely stay the same or get worse, or talk to her, in which case it might get worse or it might get better.

  • Jam WarriorJam Warrior Registered User regular
    How long have you been together now? Best friend is indeed acting out in an extremely childish manner but as long as you grit your teeth and do everything by the gentleman book hopefully the girls will sort it between themselves after it has gone on for a while.

    I'd avoid making too big a thing of it. When your girlfriend has to pick between pleasing someone who is clearly calm, rational and understanding and someone who has clearly gone a bit batshit loopy, then if she's a keeper she'll make the right decision. Much as you have been the spark of the problems, it's really an issue between the two of them to which you are merely a side player. You can't be a big part of sortting it out, you can only really be supportive of your girlfriend while she sorts it.

    In the meantime don't stop pursuing alone time togther as that is perfectly reasonable, but also don't avoid, confront or otherwise give ammunition to the best friend to fuel her crazy. Make it clear through your actions that your desire is a good friend time/boyfriend time balance, not total monopoly.

    TingleSigBar.gif
  • wiltingwilting Registered User regular
    Yeah I'm in 'try to find other ways for the 'best friend' to use her time' gang. Doesn't have to involve hooking her up with someone (although lubricating such a thing wouldn't necessarily be a bad idea), it could be just trying to get her to hang out with her other friends more. Instead of the three of you hanging out, invite a fourth
    person a few times. Perhaps after few goes you will both suddenly not be able to make it to an arranged meeting with the 'best friend' and the fourth person. Or find someone with a common interest with the 'best friend' that neither yourself or you girl do. Or try to get her involved in a new social group/hobby, then back out of it yourselves.

    Actually, your girlfriend being away is a good opportunity. Turn up to meeting the 'best friend' with a third person (doesn't have to be a hookup, just someone you think she will get along with/someone from the circle) and work the angles.

  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    How does the best friend even know that you guys are Skyping or Facebook chatting? Is she with your girlfriend 24/7 or something?
    Sounds incredibly unhealthy for the both of them.

  • DisrupterDisrupter Registered User regular
    I may be WAY off base here, but it sounds like the best friends jealousy issues may be coming from both directions. The whole "why do gusy like your girlfriend and not her, why do YOU like her." thing makes me feel like maybe she has a crush on you. So not only is she losing time with her best friend, but her "dreams" of being with you are being shattered too.

    Is it possible she liked you before you and your girlfriend got together? Like I said, I may be wrong, but I got that vibe from your OP.

    616610-1.png
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    It sounds like this friend has unrealistic expectations of her friendship with your girlfriend.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • histronichistronic Registered User regular
    NotYou wrote: »
    The obvious is that your girlfriend needs to have a talk with her.

    The internet advice is: You need to set up the clingy friend with one of your friends so she has someone else to spend time on.

    That second piece of advice actually isn't terrible. While the first thing you should do is have your girlfriend have a talk with her, finding the clingy friend another friend (could be girl or guy) may be a good idea because from everything you've said it sounds like she may not have any other friends. I'm not saying dump her off on one of your guy friends, I'm saying if you have a guy friend or a girl friend who you think she would like and might like her, why not introduce the two and see if she can't find someone else to talk to when your girlfriend and you are spending time together.

    WiiU Friend Code: rlinkmanl
    PSN: rlinkmanl
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I've been where the friend is (although not quite that bad). It's sucking to be her right now probably even more than it's sucking to be you two. So have a little sympathy.

    Not much, though. She needs to grow past this, and she's not going to do that unless your girlfriend (read: not you) sits down with her and has a girls' night complete with heart-to-heart.

    She's not going to be pleased. In fact, she's going to be pissed, and hurt, and lonely, and that's going to happen no matter what is said to her. It's just as important for her as it is for you and your girlfriend, though, because she isn't going to grow as a person until she learns how to trust other people to have relationships without her, and that's what it is: a trust issue. The really sad thing is that unless she develops some self-awareness here, she is probably going to lose your girlfriend as a friend before she realizes that, whether or not your girlfriend has managed to stay with you through all this, and I do speak from some experience here.

    In the mean time, try to be patient. You've said you want to take things slow anyway... maybe letting your girlfriend figure out how to handle her friendship can be part of that. You shouldn't interfere in that friendship. The one thing you CAN do is let the friend know that even though she says you're friends, guilt trips and emotional blackmail don't seem very friendly to you. You want to be friends, but you need some personal space and time with other friends too. If she says something to you that hurts your feelings, tell her so - literally just "That hurts my feelings" or "That's not very nice"... something that tells her that you don't find what she said an appropriate way to speak to you.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • LanchesterLanchester Registered User regular
    My girlfriend hasn't had a serious talk with her, I think she's a bit scared to. I have a feeling that talking to her about it might make her even worse and she might just counter the discussion with more guilt tripping and how we are just trying to ditch her or something. Because that's how she seems to go whenever I mention that me and my girlfriend have done something without her.

    Bottom line - Not talking about it will only make it worse. Your gf needs to talk to her about what she's doing. And yeah, it probably won't be pleasant and it's going to hurt her...but it needs to be done. And honestly, will probably be very helpful for her in the long run. Her friends need to point out that her actions are not good. They are damaging to you and your gf and I would not be surprised at all if she ended up finally meeting a "prospect" and turning them off from the same suffocating behavior

  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    Does your girlfriend's friend not have any other friends? If not, that would more or less explain the clingy-ness.

    Assuming the above is true: Are there people you could introduce her to? Not as in trying to set her up a date, but just to expand her social circle. The issue might be resolved if she no longer feels that her entire social sphere, limited as it is, is being threatened by you (even if you aren't really threatening it).

    With Love and Courage
  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    OP, imagine you had this friend and you did shit together all the time, almost every day. Your day to day consists of what is essentially a platonic relationship. When you go to the movies, you go with your friend. When you go to the store, you go with the friend. When you eat dinner, you eat with the friend. Lots of people live like this.

    Now imagine someone comes along and takes your friend away. It's hard, it's emotional, it feels terrible for everyone. Especially the person who built their life around the platonic relationship mostly because they thought it was kosher (the friend made it seem so).

    Your g/f needs to have a sit down talk with her friend. Nothing accusatory or anything like that. She needs to explain that there are boundaries and everyone needs time to themselves. And as such, her and her new boyfriend need time to go to movies, eat dinner, and have sex by themselves without said friend getting angry or trying to join in. No one is replacing anyone, but friend needs to back off for the sake of happiness of your girlfriend and you, and just for her girlfriend's general happiness. Your girlfriend also needs to reiterate that her friend doesn't want to be resented for destroying a relationship, because that ends in the same situation, except now she doesn't get any time with her best friend at all if she keeps it up.

    Ladies.
  • azith28azith28 Registered User regular
    edited June 2012
    Apologies, i was being silly and tasteless. edited out.

    azith28 on
    Stercus, Stercus, Stercus, Morituri Sum
  • TubeTube Administrator, ClubPA admin
    You are an idiot. Shut up, idiot.

    Hobnail wrote: »
    This forum has taken everything from me
  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    How long have you been together now? Best friend is indeed acting out in an extremely childish manner but as long as you grit your teeth and do everything by the gentleman book hopefully the girls will sort it between themselves after it has gone on for a while.

    I'd avoid making too big a thing of it. When your girlfriend has to pick between pleasing someone who is clearly calm, rational and understanding and someone who has clearly gone a bit batshit loopy, then if she's a keeper she'll make the right decision. Much as you have been the spark of the problems, it's really an issue between the two of them to which you are merely a side player. You can't be a big part of sortting it out, you can only really be supportive of your girlfriend while she sorts it.

    In the meantime don't stop pursuing alone time togther as that is perfectly reasonable, but also don't avoid, confront or otherwise give ammunition to the best friend to fuel her crazy. Make it clear through your actions that your desire is a good friend time/boyfriend time balance, not total monopoly.

    We've been in the sort of friends but more area for a while, but she only became my actual girlfriend in the last month. So not a really long time. So far during this whole thing though my girlfriend has been pretty firmly in the being with me camp when it comes to the best friend situation. The problem is the guilt tripping is making her feel bad for doing so. I'm the first guy she's really liked in basically...ever, so it's a big deal for her and what bothers me the most is the best friend can't seem to understand that, and is acting selfish.

    i actually tried the inviting a 4th with us, and it worked for a little while. A friend of mine is a sort of crush of hers (or was.) and so i started inviting him along, and it worked for a while but now she doesn't like him like that anymore so now she doesn't really want to hang out with him, even though he's a nice guy and hasn't actually done anything to her.

    Also about her having a thing for me? It's possible. She hasn't known me before this relationship though, so I doubt it's possible she has had a thing for me beforehand. I know my girlfriend was interested in me before she even actually knew me, and we only met because a mutual friend of ours made the decision for her and invited me along to a thing we were both at and sort of played matchmaker which worked out well so far. I mean the best friend has made comments about my looks before, and used to do it a lot when we all first started hanging out. But now she's made it clear she won't do that anymore to me, because I talked to my girlfriend about how it was awkward and my girlfriend i think had a face to face to face talk with her about it. My girlfriend seems to be just the right kind of protective when it comes to that.

    I'm supposed to hang out with the best friend tonight, and i've convinced her to go to this sort of get together thing which is mostly other friends of hers that i don't really know very well which probably wont be that fun for me, but it might get her to start spending time with these other friends.

    As for her knowing about me and my girlfriend skyping regularly and such, my girlfriend told her not knowing she'd act the way she has been. now it's like every time she catches wind of us having skype chats or something without her its like "Oh I guess you don't need me anymore you can just talk to him" and is very standoffish. It's frustrating my girlfriend to no end because the best friend is just not acting like an adult with this stuff. i mean she's 26 (the best friend.) she shouldn't be acting like a jaded highschool kid.

    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    Does your girlfriend's friend not have anything else going on? Other friends? Commitments?

    It sounds like the friend has some self-esteem/maturity issues, and if you and your girlfriend continue to act in a mature and respectful way, it will probably work itself out as she will learn to cope with having to share her friend's time.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    Does your girlfriend's friend not have anything else going on? Other friends? Commitments?

    It sounds like the friend has some self-esteem/maturity issues, and if you and your girlfriend continue to act in a mature and respectful way, it will probably work itself out as she will learn to cope with having to share her friend's time.

    She has other friends yeah. But the bestfriend DEFINITELY has some self-esteem issues, i learned that very early on. Not to be mean or anything but the best friend isn't as....physically attractive, as my girlfriend. And i think in a way she might kind of resent my girlfriend a little bit for it, even if my girlfriend has avoided having deep relationships with anyone until me. I think that might be the core of the whole thing though, is that she is simply jealous of my girlfriend. The best friend always talks about how she doesn't want a boyfriend and doesn't want a relationship because it doesn't fit into her plan to travel or whatever, which is fine. But then on the same coin she complains that no guys want to be with her...and that guys (im used as an example every time.) all like my girlfriend. It isn't like my girlfriend can help this, or that her and I can help being interested in each other like we are.

    It's very much a self-esteem issue, but it's bubbling up a lot since my girlfriend and i have gotten closer lately. And yes, if the best friend drives us apart (which may very well happen.) my girlfriend will likely not easily forgive her for it.

    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • Chop LogicChop Logic Registered User regular
    I gotta be honest. I'm a nice guy, but once I passed a certain age I stopped catering to certain kinds of bullshit. You should just, in a polite way, say something like, "Listen, I get where you're coming from, but I'm 25 years old and I'm really into having someone guilt trip me all the time. I know you've been best friends with [Stacy] for a long time, but it's important to me that I spend time alone with my girlfriend, there's nothing I can do about that".

    Dude she is 25, that is way too old for 13 year old style bullshit.

  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    It's not just '13 year old bullshit'; if she has self-esteem problems, that's a serious, grown-up issue that needs to be addressed - whether that's with a heart-to-heart between friends, as Ceres & Bowen have suggested, or by trying to pump-up her self-esteem or some combination of those two things.

    With Love and Courage
  • jwidemanjwideman Registered User
    I agree with Chop Logic - this is immature bullshit and not just on the part of the best friend. Your girlfriend isn't ready for an adult relationship. Tell her you're looking for someone more mature and move on.

  • admanbadmanb the bored genie Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    jwideman wrote: »
    I agree with Chop Logic - this is immature bullshit and not just on the part of the best friend. Your girlfriend isn't ready for an adult relationship. Tell her you're looking for someone more mature and move on.

    wat

    I think you added a few sentences to Chop Logic's post.

  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    admanb wrote: »
    jwideman wrote: »
    I agree with Chop Logic - this is immature bullshit and not just on the part of the best friend. Your girlfriend isn't ready for an adult relationship. Tell her you're looking for someone more mature and move on.

    wat

    I think you added a few sentences to Chop Logic's post.

    And really didn't read the OP...

  • jwidemanjwideman Registered User
    minirhyder wrote: »
    admanb wrote: »
    jwideman wrote: »
    I agree with Chop Logic - this is immature bullshit and not just on the part of the best friend. Your girlfriend isn't ready for an adult relationship. Tell her you're looking for someone more mature and move on.

    wat

    I think you added a few sentences to Chop Logic's post.

    And really didn't read the OP...

    I can't agree and then expand upon it? I'll keep that in mind.
    I read it, and I stand by my advice. There's clearly some codependency going on there. If the girlfriend was mature, she'd tell her friend that she's a big girl now and doesn't need her anymore. At 25, it's a bit late for that.

  • MulletudeMulletude Registered User regular
    jwideman wrote: »
    minirhyder wrote: »
    admanb wrote: »
    jwideman wrote: »
    I agree with Chop Logic - this is immature bullshit and not just on the part of the best friend. Your girlfriend isn't ready for an adult relationship. Tell her you're looking for someone more mature and move on.

    wat

    I think you added a few sentences to Chop Logic's post.

    And really didn't read the OP...

    I can't agree and then expand upon it? I'll keep that in mind.
    I read it, and I stand by my advice. There's clearly some codependency going on there. If the girlfriend was mature, she'd tell her friend that she's a big girl now and doesn't need her anymore. At 25, it's a bit late for that.

    So you would tell your best friend you don't need them anymore?

    Clearly the best friend has self esteem and co-dependancy issues. But you don't just dump a friend like that.

    It's something she can work out with her friend through honest communication. And telling the OP to walk away from the girl is just silly.

    XBL-Dug Danger WiiU-DugDanger Steam-http://steamcommunity.com/id/DugDanger/
  • jwidemanjwideman Registered User
    Mulletude wrote: »
    jwideman wrote: »
    minirhyder wrote: »
    admanb wrote: »
    jwideman wrote: »
    I agree with Chop Logic - this is immature bullshit and not just on the part of the best friend. Your girlfriend isn't ready for an adult relationship. Tell her you're looking for someone more mature and move on.

    wat

    I think you added a few sentences to Chop Logic's post.

    And really didn't read the OP...

    I can't agree and then expand upon it? I'll keep that in mind.
    I read it, and I stand by my advice. There's clearly some codependency going on there. If the girlfriend was mature, she'd tell her friend that she's a big girl now and doesn't need her anymore. At 25, it's a bit late for that.

    So you would tell your best friend you don't need them anymore?

    Okay, I should have been clearer - I would tell my clingy best friend that HE doesn't need ME anymore. That, at 25, the girlfriend hasn't done that yet is what tells me she's not mature enough for an adult relationship.
    Clearly the best friend has self esteem and co-dependancy issues. But you don't just dump a friend like that.

    The thing you're forgetting is the "co" part of codependency. Continuing an unhealthy relationship isn't doing anyone any favors.
    It's something she can work out with her friend through honest communication. And telling the OP to walk away from the girl is just silly.

    I'm assuming he's an adult. Adults don't date kids. She's emotionally a kid. I don't think my advice is silly at all.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited June 2012
    Ok ok, it really isn't a co-dependancy as much as a dependancy. My girlfriend and I are fine and my girlfriend is acting mature about the whole thing. But it's a really really sticky situation and difficult for either of us to approach without said best friend getting mad. She rightfully so doesn't want to lose her best friend, but at the same time she wants to be with me, and has made that quite clear to her best friend (and me.) but it's only made matters worse and the guilt tripping more intense. I would never ask someone to ditch their best friend, thats ridiculous. But I'm also not going to give up on my girlfriend, especially since I really like her, and i'm pretty much the only guy she's ever really liked this much. It's a big deal for her and she isn't immature, she's just really picky, she doesn't want to settle or date around much. For some reason she's chosen me of all people, and I'd rather not call her immature and bail because her best friend is having self-esteem issues.

    On the note of the best friend, one thing I have noticed about her is she sets the bar REALLY high for men as well. Like unrealistically high. Like when i invited my friend along to hang out with us, they got along really well. Why did she suddenly not like him? Because he isn't in good enough shape, and he likes computers....Now just to set this straight, the best friend weighs more than I do and has self-esteem issues like crazy. She couldn't look past someone else's personal fitness problem to see the nice guy underneath? I'm a computer guy too, but I keep myself in excellent shape. My friend isn't even overweight, he just isn't in great shape. That kind of bothered me a lot to hear that (today) from her. She even acts now like my friend is some kind of jerk or horrible person when i mentioned inviting him out tonight.

    Elimination on
    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    Elimination, you mentioned that the best friend gets pissy when you and you girlfriend Facebook chat or Skype.

    How does the best friend know about this?

    The reason I ask is, does your girlfriend tell the best friend everything you guys do? In which case she needs to stop.
    Or is the friend with your girlfriend so much that the girlfriend can't even get an hour or two to herself to chat/skype with you without the best friend knowing about it? In which case this needs to stop too. For your girlfriend's sake more than anyone else's. There are platonic relationships and then there are borderline crazy stalker friendships which are quite weird and frightening.


    Also I'm confused as to how she has low self esteem yet have extremely high standards. Those two kind of sound mutually exclusive to me.

  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    People can't help who they are attracted to, but conversely if you are picky, you shouldn't complain about lack of options.

    Really, your girlfriend needs to nut up and set some clear and defined boundaries. The best thing you can do for her is support her when she does this.

  • Blake TBlake T Registered User regular
    Also I'm confused as to how she has low self esteem yet have extremely high standards. Those two kind of sound mutually exclusive to me.

    Not necessarily, it's kinda like the fox and the sour grapes. If she has low self esteem she doesn't see herself worthy of being dated. Because of this she then criticizes these other people to feel good about herself.

    It's the equivalent of the Internet having arguments over whether or not Scarlett Johanssen is unattractive because her shoulder blades are angled the wrong way. (to be clear, neither of these things are healthy and of course she is attractive)

  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    You guys are expecting an irrational person to make rational thoughts and decisions. It just doesn't happen.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    The only problem I see is that your girlfriend tiptoeing around this is getting you guys in deeper and making it worse. I'm not sure if the gf is planning on waiting until she gets home to have this talk or what, but if she's really a friend at all talking to your girlfriend is not something either of you should have to do in secret for fear she's going to have an emotional breakdown or boil your fucking rabbit.

    Ignore passive-aggressive bullshit. Just ignore it. There is no response you can give that will help. Ignore guilt-tripping. Don't feed it in any way; she's just trying to get a rise out of you in some way or other.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • jwidemanjwideman Registered User
    Ok ok, it really isn't a co-dependancy as much as a dependancy. My girlfriend and I are fine and my girlfriend is acting mature about the whole thing. But it's a really really sticky situation and difficult for either of us to approach without said best friend getting mad. She rightfully so doesn't want to lose her best friend, but at the same time she wants to be with me, and has made that quite clear to her best friend (and me.) but it's only made matters worse and the guilt tripping more intense. I would never ask someone to ditch their best friend, thats ridiculous. But I'm also not going to give up on my girlfriend, especially since I really like her, and i'm pretty much the only guy she's ever really liked this much. It's a big deal for her and she isn't immature, she's just really picky, she doesn't want to settle or date around much. For some reason she's chosen me of all people, and I'd rather not call her immature and bail because her best friend is having self-esteem issues.

    On the note of the best friend, one thing I have noticed about her is she sets the bar REALLY high for men as well. Like unrealistically high. Like when i invited my friend along to hang out with us, they got along really well. Why did she suddenly not like him? Because he isn't in good enough shape, and he likes computers....Now just to set this straight, the best friend weighs more than I do and has self-esteem issues like crazy. She couldn't look past someone else's personal fitness problem to see the nice guy underneath? I'm a computer guy too, but I keep myself in excellent shape. My friend isn't even overweight, he just isn't in great shape. That kind of bothered me a lot to hear that (today) from her. She even acts now like my friend is some kind of jerk or horrible person when i mentioned inviting him out tonight.

    I'm not suggesting she ditch her best friend. But exactly who is dating who? When the three of you figure that out, you will all be better off.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited June 2012
    jwideman wrote: »
    Ok ok, it really isn't a co-dependancy as much as a dependancy. My girlfriend and I are fine and my girlfriend is acting mature about the whole thing. But it's a really really sticky situation and difficult for either of us to approach without said best friend getting mad. She rightfully so doesn't want to lose her best friend, but at the same time she wants to be with me, and has made that quite clear to her best friend (and me.) but it's only made matters worse and the guilt tripping more intense. I would never ask someone to ditch their best friend, thats ridiculous. But I'm also not going to give up on my girlfriend, especially since I really like her, and i'm pretty much the only guy she's ever really liked this much. It's a big deal for her and she isn't immature, she's just really picky, she doesn't want to settle or date around much. For some reason she's chosen me of all people, and I'd rather not call her immature and bail because her best friend is having self-esteem issues.

    On the note of the best friend, one thing I have noticed about her is she sets the bar REALLY high for men as well. Like unrealistically high. Like when i invited my friend along to hang out with us, they got along really well. Why did she suddenly not like him? Because he isn't in good enough shape, and he likes computers....Now just to set this straight, the best friend weighs more than I do and has self-esteem issues like crazy. She couldn't look past someone else's personal fitness problem to see the nice guy underneath? I'm a computer guy too, but I keep myself in excellent shape. My friend isn't even overweight, he just isn't in great shape. That kind of bothered me a lot to hear that (today) from her. She even acts now like my friend is some kind of jerk or horrible person when i mentioned inviting him out tonight.

    I'm not suggesting she ditch her best friend. But exactly who is dating who? When the three of you figure that out, you will all be better off.

    Yeah it's starting to feel like i'm dating 2 people instead of one.

    I talked to my girlfriend about it though, and she actually agrees with me. And she said when she gets back she's going to have some one on one time with the best friend. I don't know exactly what she is going to try to do here. I don't know the best friend well enough to really say anything myself without coming off like a jackass and potentially making her hate me which would make dating my girlfriend really awkward with her best friend having a big hate on for me.

    Elimination on
    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
«1
Sign In or Register to comment.