Depression: Where do I go from here?

GnomeTank

So, let me point out first that I've never been what I would consider depressed. I've always had a pretty decent outlook on life, and I've always been able to get over "tough times" with relative ease, but since my divorce I'm not doing so well, and I'd like to know where I go form here.

Basically my marriage ended in a pretty shitty way. My ex-wife and I had been dealing with issues for years, but we had always tried to work through them. We moved to Washington (my state of birth) last year, and things started to spiral down from there. We started to just discuss the possibility of divorce, and before I knew it, my ex-wife had already found a new boyfriend she was sleeping with and basically just told me "Okay, we're done". I haven't exactly dealt well with this.

I find myself getting very angry a lot of the time, and focusing on the "unfairness" of the situation. Why do I have to pay this women a huge child support/spousal support bill when she cheated on me? Why am I the one being punished by the universe for her transgressions? Why do I have to have her new boyfriend thrown in my face all the time when I go to get my kid or deal with kid situations? It's starting to seriously effect my life. I'm having trouble sleeping, trouble finding joy in anything. My work performance is slipping, I find myself staring off and getting nothing done. I can't focus very well, which is a HUGE issue, as I'm a software engineer.

So, my question is: Who do I even talk to about this? Should I call a therapist, a psychologist, my family doctor? I don't just want a pill shoved down my throat, I actually want to be correctly evaluated. Do I just need to talk to counselor and get things off my chest? Am I really clinically depressed? Do I need a pill?

I've never, ever, been through anything like this....so I am really open to what suggestions people have. I am so lost in all this I don't even know who to call first. I've never really dealt with my own mental health I guess.

schuss

Therapist, get reco's. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to. Also pick up some sort of physical hobby, as it will help diffuse the stress and release some natural dopamine. Don't think too much, just do something fun that occupies your whole brain.

Madpanda

Check your benefits at work, a lot of places offer Employee Assistance Programs. Basically you call a number, tell them in general what the issue is, in my case saying "i think i am depressed" was enough, and they find someone in your area which also takes your medical insurance. From there you get 3-5 free sessions.

A therapist/psychologist would be a good place to start, just getting it off your chest can be a big help. If they think medication would help they will refer you to a psychiatrist. Talk therapy and medication are usually done in combination as they are stronger together.

I am not a professional but the issues you describe sound pretty much on par with depression. I was experiencing a lot of them myself. The biggest one was work related, I would just get stuck thinking about negative things or staring off for 30 minute periods several times a day. Now it rarely happens but I am able to consciously realize its happening, analyze why I am feeling that way, and getting over it in under 5 minutes.


edit: After seeing a professional, and once you are comfortable, consider letting close family/friends know what you are going through.

GnomeTank

My health insurance actually appears to have a mental health line I can call where they talk to me over the phone and help me find someone to go talk to. I guess that's where I'll start.

Rend

GnomeTank wrote:

So, my question is: Who do I even talk to about this? Should I call a therapist, a psychologist, my family doctor? I don't just want a pill shoved down my throat, I actually want to be correctly evaluated. Do I just need to talk to counselor and get things off my chest? Am I really clinically depressed? Do I need a pill?

I've never, ever, been through anything like this....so I am really open to what suggestions people have. I am so lost in all this I don't even know who to call first. I've never really dealt with my own mental health I guess.

I'm sorry to hear all of this. You have my sympathies and wishes of luck.

Now for the advice part: You know this already but remember it. Your mind is an organ, and just like the rest of your organs, though you exercise a level of control over it, it is also capable of malfunction. Like your wrist might falter in the face of repeated stress in the form of carpal tunnel, so might your mind falter in the face of serious stresses. The key is to remember that you can heal, and to abandon the societal stigma that you can simply "power though" mental sickness.

Pills may or may not be necessary, therapy may or may not, that is up to you and a professional to decide together. However, it is critical that you never allow yourself to think you are weak for resorting to medication or therapy. And I'm not saying this is your normal thought process, at all, keep in mind. But especially in a weakened state it can be easy for negative feelings to turn against you in dramatically different avenues.

Everything will absolutely get better, and don't forget it. Steel yourself with the knowledge that, like a particularly bad flu, this will either pass or be controllable. Just as we do not judge those who catch cold, so should you not judge yourself.

histronic

It sounds like you aren't depressed. You are going through a divorce, so it is perfectly natural to feel all of those things. How long has it been since the divorce started? Time is really the only cure for getting over something like that, but it will really help if you try to take your mind off of it as much as possible. Someone suggested picking up a hobby, which is a great idea. Anything you can do that will take your focus off your ex will be extremely helpful for you. If you feel like you can't stop thinking about it, then talk to someone (close friend, family member, therapist, someone you trust). You will have to do this from time to time as even the most exhausting of hobbies won't be able to stop you from thinking about it at least a little. But you shoudn't feel bad about being "depressed" or anything, as you likely aren't. Just about everybody goes through something like this, and you will be a better person at the end of it.

My deepest sympathies, I hope you feel better soon! I'm still young and haven't been married yet but I did date a girl for 2+ years, lived with her for a year and when we broke up in a similar manner, I was feeling pretty horrible (unable to focus on anything, constantly thinking about it talking to myself for a few months). I'm happy to say that 2 years later I'm definitely not depressed and feel much better now. Hope this helps. I'm here to talk if you ever want to PM me or anything.

ceres

Clinical depression usually refers to something chemical going on in the brain, afaik. What you're describing is situational, which still sucks, but unless things are going pretty severe you will probably find counseling sufficient. I would definitely recommend you seek counseling to help you get through this, because it's a difficult thing. Either way, pretty much no one is ever going to FORCE you to take pills unless you've been involuntarily committed.

Something to keep in mind: You are not paying your ex-wife child support for her transgressions. You are paying child support to help take care of your children. Your children had nothing to do with the fact that she found someone new, and while it might not be fair that she cheated on you, it's also not really fair to withhold financial support from them because of it.

You're hurt and it's okay to be mad, but it's best for everyone if you try to keep some perspective through your grieving process if you can.

GnomeTank

It's the spousal support that bothers me, I shouldn't have listed child support. I don't mind paying my child support. It's the "life style I'm accustomed to" money that makes my blood boil. Why should she get that money given what she did to me? The law says I have to give it to her because that's just what it is...but it's not fair, and she doesn't deserve it.

That said, that's just life. It's not going to change because I'm mad about it.

Dragosai

I would add if at all possible in anyway take a vacation. Like a real fly somewhere that has warm beeches type vacation. This did wonders for one of my co-workers after his divorce, he just spent a week on a beech away from all the day to day routine crap and it sort of gave him a second wind so to speak.

If a vacation is not possible at the very least try to get as far out of your comfort zone as you can by doing new stuff. If you stay in most weekends, go out anywhere do something. This will occupy your brain with other new things instead of just thinking about shitty events all the time. Might try a MeetUp group, ether just an activity one or you might find a divorced people/parents group.

JohnnyCache

Take up Brazilian jiujitsu and talk to a therapist.

Sacrilicious

Extremely sorry to hear that Gnome.

From personal experience, the single best thing in the world for me is vigorous, completely attention absorbing physical activity. It just purges your mind and body of so much stress and your focus is forced off of your constant worry for a time. I always felt this way rock climbing, because your natural reaction to being stuck on a cliff face is fear, excitement, and complete focus on the climb, even if you're totally safe. Feel the same thing snowboarding, and to a lesser extend, running. And I also really feel the same thing with Boxing, although it's very painful and I'm constantly injured. I guarantee you will not be thinking of your ex-wife while you've got some 18 year old boxer in the ring with you.

So, if I could make a more succinct recommendation: running, cycling, or swimming every day (be diligent about consistent exercise), and ideally something else that's more adrenaline inducing a couple times a week - something to look forward to on the weekend.

Beyond that, definitely therapy. If you can get recommendations that's great, otherwise perhaps compare reviews of therapists online. There are differences in wisdom and understanding between therapists, as with all people, so just make sure you feel comfortable and that you can trust them. If you don't feel good about them, then see someone else - trust your instincts in general, I'd say.

Triiipledot

Talk to someone, maybe parents? A close family member (siblings, cousins), if you arent comfortable with someone else.

DodgeBlan

that's not depression homie that's divorce

GnomeTank

Triiipledot wrote: »

Talk to someone, maybe parents? A close family member (siblings, cousins), if you arent comfortable with someone else.

Wish that was an option. Not terribly close to my family, not close enough to talk about this stuff.

I'm in contact with my health insurance now and looking for a therapist. There are a couple in the area that specialize in this particular subject, so we'll see where that goes.

Shadowfire

GnomeTank wrote: »

It's the spousal support that bothers me, I shouldn't have listed child support. I don't mind paying my child support. It's the "life style I'm accustomed to" money that makes my blood boil. Why should she get that money given what she did to me? The law says I have to give it to her because that's just what it is...but it's not fair, and she doesn't deserve it.

That said, that's just life. It's not going to change because I'm mad about it.

Really sorry to hear about all this. I'll echo the others - call your insurance's mental health line, or your employer's EAP, and see about getting into a therapist. Talking through it is likely going to give the best response. Also, I'll add "go get some exercise." Someone mentioned Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and that's a great idea, but really any exercise regimen is going to help.

The paying of spousal support is very weird, but don't let that be the focus. Your focus needs to be on your own healing. Tackle that issue later when you're feeling better about things.

tapeslinger

Question: how long is she entitled to spousal support according to the terms of your divorce? I would have thought she would get none considering the reason for the divorce, but there has to be an endpoint, I can't see why she is entitled to your support for the rest of her days.

GnomeTank

tapeslinger wrote: »

Question: how long is she entitled to spousal support according to the terms of your divorce? I would have thought she would get none considering the reason for the divorce, but there has to be an endpoint, I can't see why she is entitled to your support for the rest of her days.

A year. It's based on how long you've been married (I believe it's one year per five), and things like infidelity don't effect it at all, at least not in Washington. It has more to do with income disparity (which in our case was huge, something like 400-500%).

GnomeTank

So, had dinner with my ex on Monday, was able to get some things off my chest, and she was able to get some things off hers. I don't want to say it was "good", as it was a painful dinner with some tears, but I guess in some sense it moves the healing forward.

I am still dealing with some deep seated feelings of inadequacy and replacement, but I have an appointment with a therapist next week to see if we can't start making some progress on that.

ceres

Sounds like you're doing better, and I'm glad to hear it.

Madpanda

Very good to hear.