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Relationships: Can't deal with my own feelings and thoughts.
Alterall
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Hello H&A people,
First of all this is an alt, I'd rather not have anyone I know stumble onto this stuff for now. I'm 29 years old( 30 in a few weeks), and I've been in a relationship with a great girlfriend that I love for more than 3 years now. I can't help but find other women attractive and I guess that's normal, everyone deals with that, although I feel this might be a bit stronger in me than the average. Thankfully my girlfriend isn't the jealous type at all and even likes seeing other women hitting on me. The problem is sometimes these attractions or desires leave an empty feeling inside me that I can't fully explain by myself. Still, nothing so bad, I shrug it off and move on that's still part of life... right? But then something happened this weekend... something that struck deeper than 'hot girl I find attractive'.
There was a party at a co-worker's place last friday. Girlfriend was supposed to come with me but instead decided to go out of town with her sister and spend the weekend at her mother's house. So I was at the party having fun hanging out with friends and friends of friends when this girl we'll call Audrey struck up a short conversation with me about something silly and that's all it was. But then as the night went on she kept coming back to me after we were off talking to different people, even after she learned that I had a girlfriend. At first it was just casual banter like it was with anyone else at the party but the more we talked the more there was this pretty obvious mutual attraction growing to the point where we spent most of the latter half of the party talking with each other more than to anyone else. We weren't even hitting on each other.. just talking normally about random stuff. Yet despite that the feeling was really powerful. It's really rare for me to feel like I connect so much to a person. She was getting light-touchy when talking to me Even at some point Audrey said something like: 'you know after tonight we won't be seeing each other again' as if she felt what was going on between us and knew it wasn't a good idea, not a good timing. (Of course, she was right) I even ended up walking with her for a few minutes after the party, as we were heading in a similar direction. When it was time for us to part ways she told me again we wouldn't and shouldn't meet each other again. We hugged briefly and then wished each other a good night. I turned in the direction of my apartment and walked home alone, feeling empty, lost, confused.
Thankfully I didn't get her contact info, nor she mine, and I have no intention of trying to get in touch with Audrey on facebook or anything like that. she didn't know most of the people at the party other than the friend she came with so thankfully again the odds of randomly seeing her again are pretty low. I know at this point some people will already label me as an asshole for the way I acted. Maybe that's the case. But right now I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in my head and understand why I feel this way. I spent the whole weekend feeling off, unable to figure things out for myself. I love my girlfriend and I want to be with her, so why did I get such a powerful attraction and why did I enjoy it so much at the moment? During that night at some point I actually felt myself wishing I was single, so I could freely pursue Audrey and get the chance to see her again. This is what is crushing me. If I truly want to be with my girlfriend, why am I sad about not having the opportunity to meet someone new? In this case, it's like I want to have my cake and eat it too... but I don't want to feel that way. I want to just be happy with my girlfriend. I shouldn't feel unhappiness because I can't have anyone other than my girlfriend. It's irrational and it's stupid and I hate that I can't just suppress these stupid needs/feelings/whateveryouwantocallem.
And I know that if I were to break up with my girlfriend just for the chance to live freely without any boundaries I probably wouldn't be happier. I would greatly miss my girlfriend. I don't think she's worth losing over selfish desires. I spent quite a few years single and did quite enjoy the fact that I could freely date anyone without feeling constrained, but I was also longing for a serious relationship after a while. I feel like no matter what I do I'll feel like there's something lacking in my life that I can't have.
Not sure what I'm looking for by posting here, I just want to be able to make some sense out of the confusion. Maybe someone here will have wise words...
Thanks.
First of all this is an alt, I'd rather not have anyone I know stumble onto this stuff for now. I'm 29 years old( 30 in a few weeks), and I've been in a relationship with a great girlfriend that I love for more than 3 years now. I can't help but find other women attractive and I guess that's normal, everyone deals with that, although I feel this might be a bit stronger in me than the average. Thankfully my girlfriend isn't the jealous type at all and even likes seeing other women hitting on me. The problem is sometimes these attractions or desires leave an empty feeling inside me that I can't fully explain by myself. Still, nothing so bad, I shrug it off and move on that's still part of life... right? But then something happened this weekend... something that struck deeper than 'hot girl I find attractive'.
There was a party at a co-worker's place last friday. Girlfriend was supposed to come with me but instead decided to go out of town with her sister and spend the weekend at her mother's house. So I was at the party having fun hanging out with friends and friends of friends when this girl we'll call Audrey struck up a short conversation with me about something silly and that's all it was. But then as the night went on she kept coming back to me after we were off talking to different people, even after she learned that I had a girlfriend. At first it was just casual banter like it was with anyone else at the party but the more we talked the more there was this pretty obvious mutual attraction growing to the point where we spent most of the latter half of the party talking with each other more than to anyone else. We weren't even hitting on each other.. just talking normally about random stuff. Yet despite that the feeling was really powerful. It's really rare for me to feel like I connect so much to a person. She was getting light-touchy when talking to me Even at some point Audrey said something like: 'you know after tonight we won't be seeing each other again' as if she felt what was going on between us and knew it wasn't a good idea, not a good timing. (Of course, she was right) I even ended up walking with her for a few minutes after the party, as we were heading in a similar direction. When it was time for us to part ways she told me again we wouldn't and shouldn't meet each other again. We hugged briefly and then wished each other a good night. I turned in the direction of my apartment and walked home alone, feeling empty, lost, confused.
Thankfully I didn't get her contact info, nor she mine, and I have no intention of trying to get in touch with Audrey on facebook or anything like that. she didn't know most of the people at the party other than the friend she came with so thankfully again the odds of randomly seeing her again are pretty low. I know at this point some people will already label me as an asshole for the way I acted. Maybe that's the case. But right now I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in my head and understand why I feel this way. I spent the whole weekend feeling off, unable to figure things out for myself. I love my girlfriend and I want to be with her, so why did I get such a powerful attraction and why did I enjoy it so much at the moment? During that night at some point I actually felt myself wishing I was single, so I could freely pursue Audrey and get the chance to see her again. This is what is crushing me. If I truly want to be with my girlfriend, why am I sad about not having the opportunity to meet someone new? In this case, it's like I want to have my cake and eat it too... but I don't want to feel that way. I want to just be happy with my girlfriend. I shouldn't feel unhappiness because I can't have anyone other than my girlfriend. It's irrational and it's stupid and I hate that I can't just suppress these stupid needs/feelings/whateveryouwantocallem.
And I know that if I were to break up with my girlfriend just for the chance to live freely without any boundaries I probably wouldn't be happier. I would greatly miss my girlfriend. I don't think she's worth losing over selfish desires. I spent quite a few years single and did quite enjoy the fact that I could freely date anyone without feeling constrained, but I was also longing for a serious relationship after a while. I feel like no matter what I do I'll feel like there's something lacking in my life that I can't have.
Not sure what I'm looking for by posting here, I just want to be able to make some sense out of the confusion. Maybe someone here will have wise words...
Thanks.
Alterall on
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If this situation made you uncomfortable though, try to avoid it in the future. Flee from temptation.
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While I feel like communication is definitely vital in a relationship, I don't think you should explain this situation to your girlfriend as it will only make her jealous. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and know that you love your girlfriend and anything else would just be a fling. You having those feelings toward another woman is perfectly natural and you made the right choice with walking away.
PSN: rlinkmanl
The main problem is I get these inner feelings that I'm missing out, and I shouldn't feel that way. I guess it's my fault for the wall of text but my encounter with Audrey wasn't exactly the issue; it was rather the catalyst that brought back these thoughts to the surface: Why am I saddened/disapointed/depressed (can't find the exact words for how I feel) by the fact that staying with my girlfriend and having long term plans (getting a property, possibly a kid down the line) means never having the rush of discovering someone new? Never sleeping with a different girl? It's conflicting because even if part of me would want that I don't want to be the kind of person that always ends up alone, never having someone important and meaningful to share my life with. I still see myself with my girlfriend for the long haul and I don't want to ruin that either.
Please do not blame the woman.
If she invited you home and you didn't have the willpower to say no, it's still on you for not saying no and not being able to set boundaries.
TylerJ on League of Legends (it's free and fun!)
Audrey isn't responsible for your relationship with your girlfriend, you are.
That said, I agree that it is human and normal to develop crushes on other people even when you are in a relationship. It happens. How you act on those feelings is what, in my opinion, really matters.
So, it sounds to me like you're worried over nothing. You didn't act on your desires. You seem to think you are weak or whatever. Didn't this situation prove that you aren't?
I guess my sentence wasn't clear. I would in no way have blamed anyone but myself if I had done anything wrong with her. I meant that things went well in part thanks to her, not that she would've been to blame for anything.
As for the rest... I dunno if it'll make more sense if I separate a bit what's going on inside my head from myself but here goes...
Yes doing the right thing. I did. Part of me is glad, but another part of me is telling me loudly that I should just enjoy life and follow my desires, fuck everything else. And because I'm being so nice and strong about not straying from the right path that other part that I'm not obeying is punishing me by putting holes in me that I can't fill or protect myself from. Hopefully this makes some kind of sense.
Not doing this is called being an adult. You can't go out and satisfy every desire you have simultaneously and not have it end poorly. Everyone has the same kind of desires as you, even while in a committed relationship. You either buck up and shrug them off or you break up with your girlfriend.
Your word choice of "I'd like to think that I would've been able to refuse" leapt off the screen at me. Not that you would have blamed her, but rather that you would have distanced the blame from yourself. Barring being extremely inebriated, the matter of cheating or not cheating is a conscious decision, not some dramatic losing struggle against your own biology. But your follow-up thoughts seem to say you understand this, even if it didn't come through in your initial statement...
Anyway. Isn't being with your girlfriend "enjoying life" too? If you cheat on her, life will be less enjoyable. If you break up with her, from what you've indicated, life will be less enjoyable. You're still choosing something that makes you happy by staying with her. Remember that part!
It's part of our biology to be attracted to women, and monogomy isnt exactly hardwired into our brains like it is some species. However unlike other species, we have the self-control not to act on them and thats what being a good person is all about.
Your having the natural second thoughts most guys do when they are in a good relationship...that of 'could i do better?' and barring the extremely rare circumstance, every person has that feeling about the person they are with. Even if you are sure the person you are dating is the person you feel will be someone you can live with the rest of your life, its not going to keep your brain from seeing minor perfections on other women that you might miss on your girlfriend. be it a smaller ass, or larger breasts, or even personality quirks or likes/dislikes more in sync with your own ideals. What IS hardwired into our brains is to seek the most perfect mate. But heres the trick...she doesnt exist. There will always be someone walking along that has a trait that is just a little better then your current mate and the brain sends those endorphins to make you question yourself.
Sometimes its hard being a good person. but you just have to keep in mind the potential disaster that could result because of you cutting ties with the good thing you have now for a possible better match later. Personally im probably considered pretty boring cause i think thats the worse kind of sucker bet gambling.
The only reason I mentioned is that I'm in a poly relationship. It's something my husband never thought he'd be open to before I discussed it with him. There was no ultimatum or anything, it was just about a year's worth of conversation and baby steps before we were both completely comfortable with it. Not that I'm saying a poly relationship would work here, or that she should be open to it. She just might be.
I don't see anything wrong with it. Some people do. Some people don't but would never want to or be able to do it themselves or want it in a partner.
It can be a risky thing even to bring up though, and may change the relationship you have, so if you feel like this is just a case of wandering eyes it's probably best to leave it alone.
You know how much time and energy your relationship with your girlfriend takes, both physically and emotionally?
Double that. You would have two personalities to deal with as well as two sets of emotions, with different demands on your time for different things. It's totally worth it for me, but can be a hell of a lot of work. Even if she's cool with trying, it wouldn't be as simple as you just maybe starting up another relationship. My husband's parents don't know (and probably can't ever, which makes me sad), and my dad will get over it someday probably. It's really weird to say that my husband is more okay with an aspect of our relationship than my dad is, but there you go. I get by with him by never mentioning it.
If you're thinking along those lines because you're bored with your current relationship in some indefinable way, or because you're not sure you love her or whatever, just stop. You don't need a second relationship, you need to learn how to fix the one you've got. That's where you need to have the stones to work on things and communicate with her, or break up.
But if things are great with your girlfriend and this kind of lifestyle just interests you, that's when you say "Hey, I've been thinking, you know how we sometimes have a third person in our bed? What if we sometimes had a third person in our lives?" It's still a risk. It could still blow up in your face. If this was a one-time thing with this one girl and you've never thought like this before, I probably wouldn't bother and just let it pass.