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Communication Issues
AlternateAlty
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
So my younger brother (4 years younger, I'm in my mid 20's) wants to get to know me better.
We don't talk a lot, and we rarely see eachother. The last time I had sustained contact with him was my senior year of high school, and after that I moved away for college, then for a job, and haven't seen him much. He's a nice person, but I feel like he's still mentally a little young, which can make conversation a little difficult.
We're completely opposite people, and I find it really hard to connect with him on anything aside from very superficial things that we both enjoy, like video games. I don't feel like I can have a meaningful conversation with him about anything beyond that. His life has been very limited in scope...which I think is partially due to the fact that our parents babied him throughout much of his life, and he never had many responsibilities or challenges until a few years ago. He's also not very motivated, at all - it seems like he has vague interests, but is addicted to the computer. I don't think he understands social situations very well...I feel like whenever I have spoken with him face to face in the past three years, he's a little awkward and tries to act very mature and knowledgeable...but to me it just comes off as somebody trying to act a part, and not genuine, which is also why I find it hard to connect with him. I can tell he's not doing it to be a douchebag, he's just trying to give people a good impression of him. However, one of my biggest pet peeves with people is when they're not being genuine, for whatever reason. It feels so impersonal, like you're speaking with a character they're acting out for you. I don't hate him for that at all, but for me it doesn't feel pleasant to speak with somebody who's acting a part. He may not even be doing it intentionally - it might just be his way of handling social interactions, in general.
I'm not sure how to communicate with him, and I feel like a horrible person because...I kinda don't want to. I don't feel like I can open up to him about anything. Our lives are completely different, and I'm also partially afraid to open up to him about anything, because I know it'll filter over to our father. My brother and father have a close relationship and I know they speak often, but our father was a horrible person to me for a number of years in the past, and continues to break my trust on a regular basis. I don't have much contact with our father, and after years of trying to repair our relationship while he continually fucks it up, I've stopped trying. I still keep in contact with him a bit, but I've given up on having a good relationship with him. I've come to terms with it at this point, but that's not really my main issue, here.
Basically, the idea of saying anything to my brother about my life, or who I am as a person, frightens me because I feel like it'll give my father information about me that I don't want him to have. Adding that to the fact that my brother is very difficult to communicate with and connect with, it feel like it would just be an exercise in stress and frustration. He sent me a few texts saying that he wants to get to know me better, and I'm not sure how to respond. I don't know what we could talk about, I don't see how he could understand who I am or what my life is about when his own life has been so limited, of his own choice. I feel like talking with him is a chore sometimes. Am I a horrible person? I just don't want to bother. He seems happy with how his life is going now (so I hear from our parents)...I'm decently happy about mine, though going through a lot of stress lately. I guess I could speak with him about surface topics (things you'd talk about with people you don't know very well) but I don't trust him enough for him to "know me better" yet. Any suggestions?
We don't talk a lot, and we rarely see eachother. The last time I had sustained contact with him was my senior year of high school, and after that I moved away for college, then for a job, and haven't seen him much. He's a nice person, but I feel like he's still mentally a little young, which can make conversation a little difficult.
We're completely opposite people, and I find it really hard to connect with him on anything aside from very superficial things that we both enjoy, like video games. I don't feel like I can have a meaningful conversation with him about anything beyond that. His life has been very limited in scope...which I think is partially due to the fact that our parents babied him throughout much of his life, and he never had many responsibilities or challenges until a few years ago. He's also not very motivated, at all - it seems like he has vague interests, but is addicted to the computer. I don't think he understands social situations very well...I feel like whenever I have spoken with him face to face in the past three years, he's a little awkward and tries to act very mature and knowledgeable...but to me it just comes off as somebody trying to act a part, and not genuine, which is also why I find it hard to connect with him. I can tell he's not doing it to be a douchebag, he's just trying to give people a good impression of him. However, one of my biggest pet peeves with people is when they're not being genuine, for whatever reason. It feels so impersonal, like you're speaking with a character they're acting out for you. I don't hate him for that at all, but for me it doesn't feel pleasant to speak with somebody who's acting a part. He may not even be doing it intentionally - it might just be his way of handling social interactions, in general.
I'm not sure how to communicate with him, and I feel like a horrible person because...I kinda don't want to. I don't feel like I can open up to him about anything. Our lives are completely different, and I'm also partially afraid to open up to him about anything, because I know it'll filter over to our father. My brother and father have a close relationship and I know they speak often, but our father was a horrible person to me for a number of years in the past, and continues to break my trust on a regular basis. I don't have much contact with our father, and after years of trying to repair our relationship while he continually fucks it up, I've stopped trying. I still keep in contact with him a bit, but I've given up on having a good relationship with him. I've come to terms with it at this point, but that's not really my main issue, here.
Basically, the idea of saying anything to my brother about my life, or who I am as a person, frightens me because I feel like it'll give my father information about me that I don't want him to have. Adding that to the fact that my brother is very difficult to communicate with and connect with, it feel like it would just be an exercise in stress and frustration. He sent me a few texts saying that he wants to get to know me better, and I'm not sure how to respond. I don't know what we could talk about, I don't see how he could understand who I am or what my life is about when his own life has been so limited, of his own choice. I feel like talking with him is a chore sometimes. Am I a horrible person? I just don't want to bother. He seems happy with how his life is going now (so I hear from our parents)...I'm decently happy about mine, though going through a lot of stress lately. I guess I could speak with him about surface topics (things you'd talk about with people you don't know very well) but I don't trust him enough for him to "know me better" yet. Any suggestions?
AlternateAlty on
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Posts
There is a certain inherent value to relationships with family that is worth preserving if there isn't a significant reason not to.
If your brother is reaching out to you, I really think you should respond somehow. Surface topics are okay if that's all you're comfortable with. Try to put aside the fact that you aren't in the same place in your lives, and just talk to him like a person. "Getting to know you better" doesn't mean interrogation-style questioning... just hanging out, having lunch, maybe go see a movie or something. Maybe you can set him up with L4D or TF2 and set aside some time to play games with him. It just means he wants a relationship.
Hit up a ball game or something.
Now, how are you sure he isn't being genuine? He may come off as trying to "act" mature and knowledgeable, but maybe that is for a good reason? Nobody is an expert on anything right away, and if his attempts to reach out and engage with you on this "more mature level" are being met with resistance on your part because of how you perceive his actions, that can't be very encouraging.
I'm in my mid 20s as well. I have grown up around my younger brother and cousin (both of them are 3/4 years younger than me), and man, I love them to death, but to this day it's awkward as hell initiating hang outs. We generally have to have a plan centered around a game or something to get the conversation going. We're not close enough to know what is going on in each other's lives all the time, but we love hanging out. Once things get going, it's easy. We even make a point of using the fact that we're so awkward around each other as a way to break the ice. Like, "I've known you since you were a baby and I still don't know how to start a conversation."
Sometimes people are just weird.
Now, on to the second part:
It is totally okay to not want to have someone in your life. I know a lot of people will disagree with me, but just because someone is family does not grant them some all access pass to you. However, from what I'm reading, it doesn't sound like this guy is a bad kid. It's okay if you don't think you'll be close, but I wouldn't cut him out. If you really can't be around him, let him off easy at least.
Third thing:
The whole thing with your dad. I think advice might be a little easier to give if maybe we knew a little more? But, also, is there a chance that maybe your brother is reaching out to you because of things that went on between him and your father?
I don't know, I don't really see this as some ploy on his part. Besides the stuff with your dad, it reminds me a lot of when I left for school and my younger brother realized we weren't as close as he would have liked, and now that I'm always in a different place because of the way my life's gone, it'll be hard.
It does sound like you need to work through more stuff on your end before you let him in, though.
Overall I agree with admanb. There's no reason to be a jackass or cut him off completely. This isn't really a question of either/or. You can just sit in the middle of the spectrum here and maintain regular contact without being BFFs - just try keep the conversations limited to the topics which you enjoy and feel comfortable discussing. You don't have to talk every day for hours on end...
Out of curiosity, why do you think he's reaching out to you now? Do you think that maybe his relationship with your father isn't as great as it first appears? It's possible your brother's way of coping with your father is more passive. In other words, your father might give more attention and support to your brother, but that's only because your brother figures that putting up with things is his best way of dealing with the situation. He could very well be facing the same issues that you are, only in a different manner. Sometimes people equate financial support with emotional support, and they aren't always interchangeable. For all you know, he might wish he were in your situation, because while you may have a more difficult relationship with your father, at least it's "honest". Or, he might want more structure and positive criticism in his life, and (consciously or not) decided that you would be a good person for that since you seem to have been able to leave the nest.
The previous paragraph is entirely hypothetical and could be completely off-base. I'm just trying to illustrate how the dynamics of your relationships could be much more intertwined than they first appear. You are entirely within your prerogative to cut off your family entirely or to keep things at a very superficial level. I maintain a largely distant relationship with my own sister, and we spent the past 1.5 years living together with our mother as adults (long story - she and her husband got caught up in the mortgage mess, and I was only planning on staying for a few months after a year-long work secondment in another country). She has expressed the same thing to me that your brother has, such as, "We never talk" and, "You never tell me anything about your life." That's the decision I've made for myself. You have your own life, and it's fine for you to decide that some relationships are worth maintaining more than others, particularly if they are not very positive influences, without feeling guilty. Just try to maintain perspective that your brother isn't necessarily a "bad person", he may just be "bad for you" due to your family influences, personalities, etc.