trust and jealousy issues.

reallybadguy

hello h/a forum people, long time lurker, first time poster here.

getting straight to the point, i seem to have very bad trust and jealousy issues when it comes to my girlfriend. i'm very territorial and become jealous extremely easily, even over such small things as facebook posts. i have a hard time trusting anybody in my life and i'm not sure where either of these problems came from. no one has ever done anything particularly malicious, my girlfriend has never given me any reason not to trust her. yet i can't bring myself to do it, not fully anyway, and i would really like to start for the sake of our relationship.

i don't know where to begin or how to tell my brain to knock it off with the paranoia.

Javen

I was like that once, and a former girlfriend of mine did the best thing possible.

Whatever the fuck she wanted.

I'd be sitting at home or at work, freaking the fuck out, and she never enabled or coddled the behavior. And before I knew it, the sky hadn't fallen, and the world didn't go to shit when I wasn't around.

Basically, learn to trust people by giving them opportunities to betray that trust. When they don't, maybe you'll start realizing there's a reason for it.

Casual

I realize this advice my seem obvious or silly, but frankly, it's the only thing you can do when you feel this way.


Get the fuck over it.


Everyone has trust issues at some point, it's completly natural, but we get past it by constantly reminding ourselves that feelings like that are stupid, immature and have no place in an adult relationship you'd like to last. There is no magic bullet or easy fix, just you having the will power to overcome bad thoughts.

And if you can't? Well you see people like that all the time, they're the people who can never have good relationships because they're drama queens, constantly swinging at percieved threats. So yeah, I know it's not exactly what you want to hear but there it is, self improvement is a long rocky road.

minirhyder

You're aware of the problem, so that's good.
Like casual said, get the fuck over it.
Don't give your girlfriend shit about stuff you realize is irrational.
Eventually it should go away.

Jam Warrior

See the issue rationally. If you you have to be constantly monitering her for her to not stray, then that's not really a viable happy relationship. Show her trust and as stated, 99% you'll see she lives up to that trust all is fine. In that 1% chance she breaks the trust? You've discovered she wasn't worth the relationship anyway.

Reverend_Chaos

Jealousy is a natural emotion. How you react to it is up to you though. Acting over-protective, or untrustful is not going to have a positive effect. If a woman is going to cheat on you, she is going to cheat on you, whether you trust her or not. It might make it slightly harder to accomplish, but it won't prevent it either. You don't have to walk around with blinders on, but you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. Trust issues typically stem from insecuriy.

Counseling may help.

The fact that you realize that you have an issue and want to change is a pretty big step in the right direction.

ceres

Is this something you let your girlfriend see in some way, or a feeling you have you've never acted or spoken on?

reallybadguy

i've mentioned it to her in the past, it sort of comes out as an outburst rather than helpful communication though. i am actually currently going to therapy, so maybe this is a subject i could touch on and get some advice from a professional. while your advice is the obvious, it certainly helps to hear it from a mouth other than my own. it kinda solidifies that just gritting my teeth and doing it is what has to be done. it's a state of mind that i just need to get used to having for her sake and my own. i was hoping for an easier way, but i suppose things like this are never easy unfortunately

Shadowfire

reallybadguy wrote: »

i've mentioned it to her in the past, it sort of comes out as an outburst rather than helpful communication though. i am actually currently going to therapy, so maybe this is a subject i could touch on and get some advice from a professional. while your advice is the obvious, it certainly helps to hear it from a mouth other than my own. it kinda solidifies that just gritting my teeth and doing it is what has to be done. it's a state of mind that i just need to get used to having for her sake and my own. i was hoping for an easier way, but i suppose things like this are never easy unfortunately

This is a really good idea.

ceres

I was going to say that if you aren't in therapy you might consider it, but if you already are... yes, this is exactly the sort of thing you should bring up there... especially because you specifically stated that it's not just about her, it's about everyone. It's not just that she has some behavior you can't pinpoint that rubs you the wrong way; this is a general thing for you, and I daresay that even if you can't think of it on the spot, there is probably a reason for it.

Note that knowing the reason for feeling or behaving a certain way doesn't necessarily mean you won't feel it or want to continue the behavior. It just gives you a better mechanism for self-control.

reallybadguy

i'm pretty intoxicated right now so forgive me if i say something fuckin stupid. i'm ready to move on and let that petty shit go behind me. so fuck it i'm gonna grit my teeth and man up about it because. i don't wanna let anything dumb come between me and my girl. i love her more than life and i love you guys. thanks for everything

AresProphet

Javen wrote: »

I was like that once, and a former girlfriend of mine did the best thing possible.

Whatever the fuck she wanted.

I'd be sitting at home or at work, freaking the fuck out, and she never enabled or coddled the behavior. And before I knew it, the sky hadn't fallen, and the world didn't go to shit when I wasn't around.

Basically, learn to trust people by giving them opportunities to betray that trust. When they don't, maybe you'll start realizing there's a reason for it.

This this and more of this.