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Self-confidence and women
Omeks
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, here's the deal with me. I am embarrassed to say that I've never had any kind of a relationship with a woman. I'm 25 years old and I've never had a girlfriend, and the only kiss I've ever experienced was a meaningless new year's kiss a year or two ago. I put most of this on the fact that I was a shut-in until I was 21, living at home most of my live, being overweight, being 'unpopular.' I didn't drink a drop of alcohol until I was halfway past 21, and for that reason, I also never went to parties until I finally did decide to try it.
But since then, I've become much more social. I've gotten a career after college and I've just been promoted recently. I've got my own home with a mortgage. In the last year alone I've wised up and started exercising, losing 50 pounds over the last year and being thinner than I've ever been in my whole life. I even have managed to make some fairly close female friends at work so I actually have some interaction with the opposite sex.
Everything I listed above sounds like my self-confidence and esteem should be through the roof, but my inexperience with women, and the fact that I've never had any kind of a relationship, makes all of that go out the window and that sole fact alone brings me down when I could be having the best day. A big part of this is that I've had an intense crush (bordering on the obsessive probably) on one of my closest girl friends for the last year but can't seem to get over the fact that she's never going to like me the same way. And of course since I didn't experience this kind of romantic drama bullshit in high school, I'm sitting here in my mid-twenties acting like some awkward teenager while everyone else I know is well past that.
The other part of this is that I can't for the life of me meet women. Anywhere. I have never had a friend offer to hook me up with someone, which leads me to believe they or their girlfriends/wives don't find me attractive enough to even consider it. In public, I can't walk up to someone and just talk to them, and what I assume are serious self esteem problems make me think that no girl is ever going to really like me, and because of that, I have the worst time faking confidence, which from what I hear is the number one thing that attracts women.
I guess what I'm saying with all this is that, I need help. Any kind of help. Part of me thinks I need to go to a psychiatrist because the idea that I can't get into a relationship or even meet a person is almost always on my mind and makes me jaded some days. The other part of me thinks I'm being neurotic and over-thinking it all (which is easily one of my worst qualities). So I thought I'd post this on here and see what kind of responses I get.
But since then, I've become much more social. I've gotten a career after college and I've just been promoted recently. I've got my own home with a mortgage. In the last year alone I've wised up and started exercising, losing 50 pounds over the last year and being thinner than I've ever been in my whole life. I even have managed to make some fairly close female friends at work so I actually have some interaction with the opposite sex.
Everything I listed above sounds like my self-confidence and esteem should be through the roof, but my inexperience with women, and the fact that I've never had any kind of a relationship, makes all of that go out the window and that sole fact alone brings me down when I could be having the best day. A big part of this is that I've had an intense crush (bordering on the obsessive probably) on one of my closest girl friends for the last year but can't seem to get over the fact that she's never going to like me the same way. And of course since I didn't experience this kind of romantic drama bullshit in high school, I'm sitting here in my mid-twenties acting like some awkward teenager while everyone else I know is well past that.
The other part of this is that I can't for the life of me meet women. Anywhere. I have never had a friend offer to hook me up with someone, which leads me to believe they or their girlfriends/wives don't find me attractive enough to even consider it. In public, I can't walk up to someone and just talk to them, and what I assume are serious self esteem problems make me think that no girl is ever going to really like me, and because of that, I have the worst time faking confidence, which from what I hear is the number one thing that attracts women.
I guess what I'm saying with all this is that, I need help. Any kind of help. Part of me thinks I need to go to a psychiatrist because the idea that I can't get into a relationship or even meet a person is almost always on my mind and makes me jaded some days. The other part of me thinks I'm being neurotic and over-thinking it all (which is easily one of my worst qualities). So I thought I'd post this on here and see what kind of responses I get.
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Dude, I can relate a lot. From personal experience, I think a lot of it is you having set yourself a benchmark in your own mind as to how your life should be RIGHT NOW. You're probably dissapointed you werent more sociable, didn't have confidence through highschool and struggle to talk to others. You seem to crave a meaningful relationship with someone - but feel as though you aren't going to meet them? Do you find you get nervous around girls you like, but are absolutely fine around ones you're not keen on (or already have BFs)
^Just random thoughts - I may be wrong.
I'm almost 24 and havn't had a proper relationship with anyone - The closest thing was when I was when i was 19 and that was a real waste of time. Currently I work 10 hrs in retail, and my college degree is worthless. The best and hardest thing for me last year was meeting my best friend - falling in love with her, but not getting the same thing in return. Still as dissapointed as i am, I have a really good and close friend.
So kinda all over the place here, sorry. But as far as things which helped me when in a similar mindset as you is...
Start talking to people at work. This was hard for me, but I started with a simple, 'good morning', or 'it's been busy today!' This was a good ice breaker, as it allows for opportunities later to just strike up a random conversation - as you;ve already had that previous contact with them.
Find a hobby to keep your mind busy. Mine was writing for a while - just random shit for fun. But now its moved to art.
Exercise - Shit loads important to making yourself feel better.
Keep close to siblings and friends. If you've discovered they are arseholes who get you down, don't see them (or avoid them)
Feeling better about yourself projects more confidence. Find things which make you happy. And forget the bullshit of 'confidence is attractive to women'. Yes women like confidence in a person, but so does everyone! No one wants to hang out with a downer! Fuck thinking about what women like, or men like, or your boss likes! Be yourself! I've learnt to be myself around others - and I feel 10x better.
Heres some links for good reading. And DO read them. May seem corny, but they help a lot.
http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2012/07/09/when-life-sucks/
http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2010/09/09/5-ways-to-immediately-appear-more-confident/
This part is a red flag really. Assuming that your friends and their partners think you're unattractive because they're not sending women your way is just beating yourself up for no reason. It's also letting you use bad criteria to 'justify' the assumption that you're unattractive, when you have no idea what anyone is really thinking.
Confidence in general is one of those weird catch-22s. You need to be confident to succeed, but you need to succeed to be confident. A basic place to start is just to remember women are people too, and interact with them as such. You don't really have anything to lose by talking to them. And the first one you talk to doesn't have to promptly fall in love with you. But you'll miss the one who would eventually fall in love with you if you never even try.
Hair. Hygeine. Wardrobe.
I hung around a lot of nerdy guys in high school/university/college, and even now. Know what the ones who never had a girlfriend usually had in common? They didn't give a fuck what they looked like. Or what they maybe smelled like. Or how they dressed.
You don't need to have a perfectly symmetrical face and a six pack to be attractive, but if you shower semi-weekly, have unkept greasy hair, and wear ill-fitting clothes, you're not doing yourself any favours.
None of this is a judgement on you, OP, but keep that idea in mind and see if there aren't ways you can project better the idea that you care how you look. Exercising and losing weight is one way, and kudos to you for sticking with that.
1) Putting yourself in places to meet new people.
2) Being honest with yourself and others
3) Being patient.
Bars/Clubs are a standard way our culture tackles the first, but this isn't necessarily the best and certainly isn't the only way. Go do things you like at places where there are other people. Go join an art class, or find a local anime club, or pick up a group sport, or visit specific locations where there are people who are interested in the same things as you. If you don't go to places where you can meet someone, your odds of meeting someone are 0.
You should also never try to be someone you are not. That's a great way to turn people off, most people can tell a liar or a phony instinctively. Just be natural and yourself and have a good time without looking for love. If you find someone, you'll find them by just hanging out and having fun. Don't let yourself be pressured to absolutely find a girlfriend right now because you are 25. That's a pretty silly misconception and will only make being social awkward and unpleasant for you.
It wont happen overnight (it might, though!). Expect to meet dozens, hundreds of people before someone syncs up with you, this means being in a place to meet lots of people is key. Just goout, have fun, and if you hit it off with someone great! That could be the start of a good friendship or possible love interest later on, who knows! All you have to do is put yourself in a position to experience it.
This is absolutely true. You can have horrible physical features and be attractive through cleanliness, style, and confidence. You can also be the most handsome man in the world and be revolting due to slovenliness.
PSN: rlinkmanl
I'll confirm Figgy's advice
The peripheral things matter, and as peripheral things go, things like clothes are important, especially if you're trying to overcome confidence problems
It sounds like you aren't broke, so do yourself a favor and drop a few hundred at the mall on a couple of top tier outfits. If you have any friends-who-are-girls, bring them along to help you pick. If not, if you go to the right stores, there will be women there who will help, especially in nicer malls.
You absolutely do not need a psychiatrist. You are thinking about this rationally and with great awareness, in my opinion.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
I was a gaming nerd in my early 20s, having never been in a relationship, never really kissed a girl, been an outsider in school. Unlike you I was jobless and living off my savings at the time. I was hanging around the local university gaming club and playing games all day, didn't really take care of my appearance.
Basically, I was pretty confident in the knowledge that I wasn't the kind of guy that could even get a girlfriend. There were a couple of female members of this club, and I was friends with one of them. One day she brought an acquaintance into the club (I can't imagine why), and this acquaintance and I talked for a bit. She (the acquaintance) decided to come back to the club a few times (which is pretty amazing), and a year or so after our first meeting we ended up going out together.
With infinite patience, she got me cleaned up, motivated to get a job, finish my education and generally clean up my act. We've been married for 13 years now.
So yeah, I didn't do anything special to get so lucky, and had pretty much all the feelings of inadequacy that you do now. I'm not saying that you should follow my example, but I am saying that in many ways you're better off than I was then.
What I am saying is that there is hope, and that it's really all a crap shoot. The important thing is to be yourself, do the things you enjoy doing, and don't try to push things.
You've got as good a shot as anyone to get there. I think you've hit it on the head that you are overthinking things right now, so do your best to understand that the overthinking thing is not going to help you in your quest, and do your best to have fun.
You're a single guy, you're financially stable, and you're open to new relationships, and you're doing the things you enjoy. I'd say you have a good shot at things- experience will come, in various forms if you're happy and patient.
This ^
I don't know your whole background...but I don't think a psychiatrist would help. You could try, but after everything...when it comes time to go up to a woman and talk to her, you are still going to be nervous and not confident. Talking to someone or studying "The Art of Dating" or anything like that isn't going to do much.
IMO, the only thing that will help is experience. You need to just get out there. Yeah, it's going to be awkward and uncomfortable at first...and probably going to have some bad and embarrassing experiences. But that's the only way you will grow. You can take those, learn from them and start building your confidence.
It's just like everything else in life, no one ever jumps on a bike and starts doings jumps and ollies at the very beginning. You start to learn by falling.
What are your interests? What do you like to do? Look into local clubs (clubs being activities, not bars) that you might enjoy. Or you can even try the internet dating scene. There is a good thread here forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/149703/internet-dating-who-is-your-favorite-duck-and-other-dating-questions with info.
I hasten to add that I don't think there's anything wrong with you, nor would I even begin to suggest that there's anything that's somehow deficient about you as a person. Everyone's got hangups of one form or another, and it can be healthy for anyone to explore the "why?" behind them. In your case, if the aforementioned "why?" happens to do with some sort of mild and undiagnosed social anxiety disorder (just as an example) then getting a handle on that will undoubtedly help you.
You already lost 50 lbs, so you're already a success there, so build on that.
As far as confidence with women goes, just TALK to them. Maybe they brush you off, maybe they don't, but just start with the goal of having conversations with people. You see something interesting that someone's reading in public, ask them about it (or similar)! Then, LISTEN and RESPOND. Pay attention to their body language and facial expressions as you talk about it. Over time, you'll become good at conversation. Something like Toastmasters (public speaking) may help, but really you just need experience.
My friends told me I was ridiculously good at picking up women, I just didn't know it, because I was too shy to ask for their number, despite having long conversations (Yes, I'm an idiot) with them in various places. I just looked at it as an adventure to find interesting people. Also, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT. Seriously. The moment you put pressure on yourself to meet someone, the more likely you probably won't because the stress will make you not relax in social situations. I also recommend joining local casual sports/drinking clubs.
Big secret of life: Many people are terrible at social situations, and people who like you won't care if you're slightly awkward or not, so stop worrying about it. Try to be nice to people, but don't kill yourself for it. Also, nothing is like in movies or shows around relationships. Just get yourself out there and try, and remember that very few people are even batting .100 when it comes to people met vs. people who even become normal acquaintances.
So, what can you do to build confidence? The first thing you should know is that most people have insecurities. Second, there is someone out there that is going to think you are perfect. You might just have to get rejected a coupld thousand times first. What's the worst thing a woman could say to you? "No." Will this kill you? No. Lightning will not arc down from the sky and strike you dead. Just shrug, say "Thanks anyway" and go along your merry way, and know, not think, but KNOW that it's her loss. First you should start by going outside your comfort zone. Strike up a conversation with a stranger (doesn't have to be a girl). The trick to starting up a conversation is to ask a question, like "What book is that?" and then follow up with another question "Is it any good?", but be genuine. Don't fake an interest in something you are not truly interested in. Do you like books? go to a book store. Do you like music, go to a music store. Are you trying to diet and exercise, go somewhere for this too. This will take you somewhere where you are more likely to have a shared interest, and allows the possibility to strike up a conversation.
Also, you might feel more comfortable with online dating. That gives you the opportunity to talk to women via e-mail or chat. This gives you time to compose yourself and not come across as akward (hopefully). It also allows you to break the ice and get to know someone before you meet face to face. Don't expect it to be the end-all solution to your issue, but it might be a good first step.
I had once read an article on the effects of eye contact in humans, and since it was so easy to try and impromptu-replicate the experiment, I spent a week doing just that for the sake of curiosity.
Try the following:
Make eye contact with someone, hold it for about 3 seconds (I found that most people were not inclined to break eye contact until I did), and smile at them.
It's like magic.
I had people stop in their tracks to chat me up, a lovely waitress actually sat at my table and ate dinner with me just because I made eye contact / smiled at her while I made my order, etc.
Note that this did not produce a date or relationship of any sort, but it's a simple, stumble-proof ice breaking tool.
This more or less. But with a bit more emphasis on the smile. A smile is absolutely risk free since it's not overly forward or flirty, and it works miracles.
Think of it from your perspective. If a girl looks you in the eye and smiles at you, even a very average looking girl, don't you flip just a little bit? Well it works the opposite way too. Not all the time, but since a look and a smile is free, you get lots of chances. And if she rolls her eyes and turns away, so what? She's obviously not interested, so why would you want to chat her up anyway?
Best strategy? Pretend the person you're talking to is an old friend, and you're happy to see them. Works great.
When you talk to a lady remember you're just getting to know her a bit, no matter how crushy you're feeling. Sexy times should always be a possibility, but not priority.
As for the confidence stuff, you'll just have to fake it to make it for a while, until you have some real confidence built up.
Like I said, I'll try to come back later with some of the other things I've learned from bartending and witnessing the human mating ritual from a third person perspective for years and years. Just the worthwhile tips, none of the d-bag stuff.
--LeVar Burton
"a question unasked is always a no"
Sounds so simple but if you really believe it you will try the craziest things with no fear because, hell, the worst that happens is a no, right? and a no isn't any worse than not asking. and sometimes the confidence that it shows turns what would have been a no into a yes, simply by asking.
All of these forced interactions will seem unnecessary to you... they are of course. But if you want to be more social and meet people, then, surprise! The way to do it is to be more social and meet people! Not in the evenings, at the club, or just on dates, but ALL OF THE TIME, so go for it!
Pay attention to everyone, listen to what they say, and how they react. Smile AT people and make eye contact. Find out about them: little things, nonthreatening things, especially relevant things, like how their day is going or how busy their store is. Get used to being casual and natural in your day to day relationships. If you're uncomfortable about these interactions, then develop some "lines" to break the ice and, at first, give you a false "smoothness". I have a friend, who, for the last 10 years at least, has begun every conversation with every waitress by saying, after she introduces herself, "Oh, your name is (Whatever her name is)? No way! That's MY name too!!!" It's unique enough that even though it's totally scripted, it still gets a laugh.
Don't be under any illusion that the love of your life will be the girl serving you coffee at Starbucks (although you never know!). But do know this: once you get the hang of developing a natural conversation with a complete stranger, you will be able to be completely natural around a girl who you've been formally introduced to, and whom you have friends or something else in common. The last thing you want is to meet a girl you like and seize up!
And remember... it's a learning process. No one gets everything they want overnight, and it might not be easy or pain free, but after a year, or 6 months, you may find that you start looking at personal encounters differently... not with trepidation or self doubt, but with true confidence and the knowledge that if you actually have anything in common with someone, you will have the ability to find it without sounding like you're trying too hard or overthinking it!
This is true. It's a cliche for a reason. I was in a similar boat, actually older and in worse shape (no career or house), and tried dating. I'm a weird guy, and self-aware enough to know it. I have issues making friends, and never have had that many (though the ones I do have are generally good ones). I did get dates, but they went so-so at best, and eventually I resolved to concentrate on figuring out my own stuff and to leave off dating for a while.
Then, suddenly, things happened and I had a girlfriend. The basic thing that happened with me is I stopped trying so hard, and things just fell a bit into place. That's vague, I guess, and you can't do nothing and expect it to happen, but constantly worrying and trying really hard is counter-productive. Don't forget about it, but put it on the backburner. Maybe suggest doing something with one of your work friends outside of work, and if something happens, fine. If it doesn't, fine. Low pressure when you've never been in a relationship before is helpful, believe me.
Also, remember, it really is never too late. I have an online friend who just lost his virginity at age 36. He's a funny and successful guy, just kind of strange and never really tried dating. Don't worry about society's stereotypes.
A psychiatrist is more for a person with clinical, biological mental problems - they are medically trained and can provide medications, etc.
A therapist is more of a guy you just unload too. By all means, consider seeing one for a few weeks - it's quite common, it's usually covered by insurance, and talking to a therapist is often cheaper than using a bartender as one.
If you want to be fixed up a little, try actually asking your friends about it
say, "Hey, I'm trying to put myself out there a little now that I'm out of the whole end of school grind. Do you know anybody? I'm not looking for anything super-serious or anything. Just trying to date a bit."
See what they say.
Self improvement can be a tricky beast. On the one hand, you want to do what you can. You lost a bunch of weight! You deserve a new wardrobe. You deserve a little interaction with the world. It's fair to look at your fashion sense and your hygiene and your manner and introspect a little about "am I doing the best with what I have, here? Do my clothes match? Am I taking enough showers that my nuts don't smell like onions constantly? Is my car an embarrassing piece of shit?"
But it's not fair, and it will sabotage you in the long run, to become completely slaved out to what you think women or fashion or society want of you. Not only will it undercut your confidence, when it works, you won't know if the girl is dating you or your BMW.
The most romantically successful person I know is a disgusting looking punk rock musician. He's fat and he's kind of stupid. But he gets laid a lot. Why? Because he puts himself in a position to meet hundreds of women, and he approaches them with total confidence.
The darkside is he does this because he finds them interchangeable and disposable, so he's not a role model. He's just an illustration that a confident approach + actually putting yourself out there is literally all it takes.
Another thing to remember is the world of highschool dating is behind you, and the world of college partying is getting there. Mourn for them once, and put them to bed, and move on to the world of dating in your late 20s/30s (which is great). People our age are franker, less dramatic, and more together, and have more realized potential and more to say than that same person would have had at 21. They also date longer before expecting monogamy, which gives you a little more time to be selective. It's really not a bad time in your life at all, and I see too many people in boozey, post college mourning for their supposed "glory days" for far too long.
Two things that will HELP you with your platonic crush are 1) approaching other women and 2) asking your bff for some fashion/dating advice.
If you need practice talking to people in public, start by approaching people for something - anything. "My phone is dead, do you have a watch on?"
Find something that will force a little mixing with people from all walks of life. Many bars have a poker night where you can play in a free or cheap poker tournament for some meaningless prize - you will be forced to sit at a table and play a game with 9 random adults. Most people do not drink heavily while they play poker. So that would be something you could do where you meet some randoms and talk to them. Just don't let them con you into playing for real money!
If you work in a cube farm type environ, there are probably some teams you can volunteer for - like the people that do cake for people's birthday, the people that decorate for holidays, that kind of crap. It might be a good idea.
The last place I worked had an employee team that got to learn first aid/cpr and get CERT certified on the company dime, which was pretty interesting, if a bit dwight-schrutian
You have some negative self talk going in your OP, big time. That makes it really hard to even give you advice or suggestions, because the suggester has to worry about driving those nails deeper.
So when you approach friends for advice, put it in terms of self actualization. communicate an attitude kind of like " I've been working hard at losing some weight, and it's been working. The experience showed me I want to present myself better in other areas, so I'm asking close friends for sincere advice on things like my wardrobe, and how to put myself out there a bit more. I'm asking you because I trust you and I'm really ready to hear the answer."
Some of your friends might find no fault with you. Do NOT assume this is because they have a laundry list of complaints they are too nice to share! Take their answers at face value, even if they are frustrating.
If your friend tells you something honest, remember we live in a polite society and they are doing you a favor by doing so. Take the answer like an adult, do not argue or rationalize. Take your answer and mull it over, but don't let it echo into other areas of your life.
If your friend says, "Dude, you have a stupid fucking mustache. You look like a child molester with that mustache."
Do NOT go "HOLY SHIT I AM A WORTHLESS PERSON. I CAN'T GROW A MUSTACHE RIGHT AND I'VE BEEN WALKING AROUND LOOKING STUPID FOR YEARS WHERE IS MAH SCOTCH"
Just fucking shave it and try a couple weeks without it and see if it works/feels better. Understand that you are improving the presentation of the core product. That you are putting the picture in a better frame. Don't let comments or questions about the frame change how you see the picture.
On drinking: If you don't like drinking to get drunk, but you don't want to be a person who "doesn't drink" cultivate a taste for some decent cocktails. Drinking water at a bar is going to start stupid conversations. Sipping a Manhattan or French 75 starts awesome ones. At the very least, learn to tolerate club soda with lime, as it usually comes in a glass and looks like a drink. look around the bar you are at. Order an appropriate drink. If it's a shitty bar, get a gin and tonic or a whiskey diet, because they will fuck up anything more complicated than a whiskey sour.
If it's a nice bar? Get an old fashioned or negroni. If your friends are drinking scotch? Get Highland Park or Auechshentoshan. (awk shen toe shan). They are classy soctches no one can look down on that are also very drinkable, and don't have the peaty, acidic tone that makes many people cough or get heartburn when they try scotch.
there's nothing wrong with nursing it, or enjoying it.
There's also nothing wrong with ordering exactly whatever the spotted fuck you feel like drinking. IF you order a long island or a mai thai or some other kind of silly drink with an umbrella in it and someone laughs, you look at them and go, "yeah. That just happened. You want one? It's ok, I ordered one first. Now you can have one and not worry about what people will say."
I host a podcast about movies.
1) "Make eye contact:" seriously shows some confidence here, also helps warm her up if you're interested in her. She might even come over to you, but if she doesn't and she keeps looking over, the look is telling. Go TO HER, and she might very much welcome it.
2) "Be yourself. Do the things you enjoy doing, and don't try to push things." Yes. We can sense when you're uncomfortable. You're much more attractive when you look comfortable and enjoy yourself.
3) You are not really out of the loop here. Actually, there are a lot of people in their twenties nervous about talking to people of the opposite sex, especially when people are keeping their eyes peeled for potential partners. You've heard this already here, but I'll reiterate: Practice talking to people... and enjoy it! Any opportunity you have to talk to women in person, take it. Go to friends' birthday parties, gatherings, etc., and, please, introduce yourself to people - just do it and don't be nervous. Be friendly.
4) Dhalphir brings this up, actually: "a question unasked is always a no"
"Sounds so simple but if you really believe it you will try the craziest things with no fear because, hell, the worst that happens is a no, right? and a no isn't any worse than not asking. and sometimes the confidence that it shows turns what would have been a no into a yes, simply by asking."
Honestly, I respect the man who makes the gutsy, "bold move," more than a safe move or no move at all. You're just being honest with yourself and you inform me of this too. If I don't like it, I'm not for you, right? At the same time, I might identify with you and say, "Hey, I really like this guy.
Good luck!
EDIT: Forgot to mention. Very important! Women get nervous too (and very much so!). You're on an even playing field, man.
For example, if you appreciate old 007 films, you could go with the classic martini, and if you don't like it and you're on a date, just come up with something clever, "should have had it stirred... ", "he doesn't shake it as well as some people... ", and don't order it again. If it's a good bar, usually you can describe what flavors you like to to the bartender and he'll set you up well.
Something that took my a long time to get over the eye contact thing is being embarrassed about it. I'd be looking at a girl across the bar thinking she looked interesting, but when she'd turn her head I'd look away. After all I didn't want her to see me gazing at her, right? No! Wrong! That's exactly what I want! I mean I shouldn't stare, but eventually I learned to, instead of turning away, make eye contact and smile at her. If she smiles back, great go over and introduce myself, and then ask her about herself. If she looks away, she's not interested for whatever reason and I move on and talk to someone else.
Something else that took me a long time was remembering something key: All the good ones really are taken... until they're not anymore. When I was just starting to really try dating (In my early twenties) I had several girls that I flirted and got along with super great turn out to have boyfriends and it just killed my confidence. Until it occurred to me that if these great fun girls found me fun to be around, there are other girls out there that would to. And since I'm not a one night stand kind of a guy, I don't need to find a new one every night. Just one fun interested available girl.
--LeVar Burton
Hygiene (as stated earlier). Not just appearance chew with your mouth closed and just don't be a slob.
Wardrobe (also stated earlier). I dress preppy but not dooshbaggy. I wear the occasional shirt from threadless.com to stuff from abercrombie, men's express, and aeropostal. I don't go for flashy I go for simple normal colors that look nice. I have various shades of blue jeans from pacsun but not SKINNY jeans and a pair of nice black slacks. These are all brands that have a HUGE potential to make you look stupid but the quality is good and you can find great clothes. I can give you some links if you want.. or if anyone wants.
Confidence. Look girls are friggin nuts! It's literally a spin the wheel on who's going to be attracted by you. As said before the smile, eye contact, and talk will get your foot in the door. If you get a feeling the girl is into you or looking your way a lot go see what's up.
Girl friendly hobbies! Given your age if you are open too it try like salsa/country/x dancing lessons. I would recommend salsa/swing or country/line dancing you'll meet older women there or get good enough and meet a girl at the club. Yes I know dance lessons seems cliche but every girl wants to be twirled around dancing. Usually local colleges have stuff organized super cheap. Through these groups you make friends even if you suck. Bigger network of friends, more people to socialize with, more chances of meeting someone.
You know why your friends aren't hooking you up? Nope neither do I so who cares. I never tried to hook my single friends up all I would do is go to the bar. Are you not worthy? Whatever the answer it isn't happening so forget about it.
Nice guys don't finish last doormats do. Be nice but also be realistic! Open doors be a gentleman but also don't be at her beck and call.
Last resort go to your local bar that is popular and full of people you feel comfortable around. Make friends with the bartender by hanging out and tipping well. Quiz night is great for this and or things like wing night. Take a friend and just mingle. You'll be surprised at people thinking you are a regular after 1 month. You'll also be surprised how easy it is to talk to everyone. Once you start feeling comfortable you'll be able to pick up on the hints most girls are sending your way. EVERY guy has a girl who finds them attractive. Your mind is what's stopping you.
Finally yes keep working out.
I'm in a similar position. I was the stereotypical geek with a small number of friends all the way through college. Never went to parties, never really socialized apart from my small number of friends. Never had a relationship, and just kissed one girl.
A few years ago I decided to loose weight, and lost 100 lbs. I started dressing better, trying to change who I was, trying to feel less like the overweight loser than I entirely had all my life. I wasn't having much luck until I moved to Dallas, and I ended up joining Meetup.com (which I heartily recommend). Even then it took me forever to come out of my shelf, and that's attributed to making some awesome friends. Suddenly I found myself being more confident that I ever had, having no trouble talking to new people (I know run my own group), with a lot of male and female friends, and constantly doing social activities.
Sadly my dating life is still stagnant. I have social confidence, and can talk to women..but when it comes to being anything more than friends I'm horrible at it. I just keep at it and try not to let it take over my life. I get the whole obssesing over being alone, I find myself doing it often. Those times I just try to keep busy, try to remember all the good stuff in my life. I tell myself things will eventually fall into place.
on martinis:
Shaken martinis are actually generally held to be inferior. The point of bond ordering one is not that he is classy, but that he is slightly less classy and more of a brute than his co-workers. (the daniel craig bond comes the closest to getting the novel character correct). Also, don't get them "dry" or "dirty" until you try a regular one.
I host a podcast about movies.
First, let me say that your friends not trying to set you up means nothing at all. Set ups are not as common as sitcoms would have you believe.
Second, I'm kind of surprised online dating hasn't been brought up very much in this thread. Check out okcupid. There's no membership fee, so all it will cost you is some of your time (which dating/trying to get dates will always cost you anyway). If you need help writing your profile, we can help.
Finally, and this has been touched on but never explicitily stated, but don't pin your hopes on any one woman. So many times I fell into that trap, where I would meet a girl or see a profile online and I'd think to myself "We have so much in common! This is meant to be!". Naturally, any time I had those thoughts I would inevitably never hear back from the girl in question. The important thing to note is that you can't force chemistry, so you may as well just be yourself.
I need help on asking out a bartender, always a more tricky thing as they tend to get hit on more often. Anyway the bar is someplace I really like hanging out so the thing I need help with is finding a way to ask her out in such a way that if I am rejected would not make it awkward for me or her if I still hang out there after being shot down in a fiery wreck.
Can this be done?
It will only be awkward if you make it awkward. Bartenders get hit on all the time, so they'll just move right on.
It can be done and its fairly easy; just say "Hey, I'm doing [INSERT ACTIVITY HERE] this [INSERT DAY HERE] and was wondering if you'd like to come? If so, great; if not, no hard feelings."
PSN: rlinkmanl
Damn your simple advice! Thanks! Now I go to the internets to find a cool activity. If it works out really well I will name our first child after you histronic.
If you do this please, please don't be the guy that tries to hit on girls at the gym. I climb with plenty of females and they hate when that happens.
8-)
PSN: rlinkmanl