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Relationship Advice?
DeviousDevice
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Ok here goes.
I've got a problem. I've been seeing this woman for about three years. As far as the relationship is concerned, things have gone pretty well- with a few hiccups..
She says she loves me. I believe her. However, there's a problem..
I'm always the one that does the work. Really. I cook for her, clean for her, and help her every way I can. I always try to be accommodating. As far as sex is concerned, if she was to ask me to.. you know.. no problem. I'd do for her (in that way) without asking for reciprocation if need be... and have done MANY times.
I care for her- really. I'm just so damn lonely.. When I ask for intimacy she often denies me. I try my best to never complain, but after a month or so.. I just begin to physically hurt. It sounds so f*cking pathetic.. I know.. I don't really care.. I love her, but I can't take it.
She just doesn't take any interest in me. Deep down I think she cares but I can't really tell. I'm just so f*cking sad.
I recently brought it up with her.. it didn't work out well. She kinda made me feel horrible for asking...
Advice?
I've got a problem. I've been seeing this woman for about three years. As far as the relationship is concerned, things have gone pretty well- with a few hiccups..
She says she loves me. I believe her. However, there's a problem..
I'm always the one that does the work. Really. I cook for her, clean for her, and help her every way I can. I always try to be accommodating. As far as sex is concerned, if she was to ask me to.. you know.. no problem. I'd do for her (in that way) without asking for reciprocation if need be... and have done MANY times.
I care for her- really. I'm just so damn lonely.. When I ask for intimacy she often denies me. I try my best to never complain, but after a month or so.. I just begin to physically hurt. It sounds so f*cking pathetic.. I know.. I don't really care.. I love her, but I can't take it.
She just doesn't take any interest in me. Deep down I think she cares but I can't really tell. I'm just so f*cking sad.
I recently brought it up with her.. it didn't work out well. She kinda made me feel horrible for asking...
Advice?
DeviousDevice on
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Now maybe there are extenuating circumstances that you haven't told us about, but from what you have written here it seems that you are indeed being taken advantage of.
If you can, I would leave, or at least get some space to find new people to be around.
Exactly. All of this is well said.
What you just described doesn't sound like a partnership or mutual relationship at all. You sound tired, drained, and you say this other person doesn't support you in any way, really, or reciprocate. Honestly, this doesn't sound like a healthy or right situation for you. It sounds like you need a partner who will respond to your basic needs, which is normal/healthy. I know you recently brought some of these things to her attention and that it didn't work out so great, but have you talked to her more in detail about how you feel? How she might better support you? She might be distracted by something and not even be aware of how she's hurting you. It's fair to bring it up with her, at least, and see how she responds.
If after talking to her in more detail your situation remains unchanged, I would suggest that you consider removing yourself from this relationship. You might feel lonely now, but just think that all the time you spend taking care of someone who doesn't appreciate you might now be better spent meeting new people you enjoy, and ones who fill your tank. Think about it. Is there anything you have to lose walking away from your current situation? It sounds like you can only win from here. I know you really, really care for this person, but she will eventually move on; she might even look back at you and appreciate you more. Either way, I think you need to listen to your head and your heart on this. Sounds like you realize this too. Good luck.
Maybe she's dealing with something big. I was there, in a place where I was not much good for reciprocation of affection. I still did the best I could to stay open to talking about it, and to criticism of my distance, although it was hard for me to discuss.
Barring that sort of situation, I know it's hard to think about, but... maybe you should consider letting her go.
You're not a boyfriend, you're a maid.
Either get paid or get out.
End it and get out.
Anyone can say they love someone, but showing it is the key. It sounds like she doesn't love you from her actions. If she continues to act like she doesn't care, and doesn't do anything especially after you've made it known to her. Get out, it's only going to get worse and harder to leave the longer you're there.
It sounds like you want and hope for her to so bad, that you are letting her get away with things and walk all over you.
Get out...I can't say it enough. It's three years, so it's going to be really tough and hard. Especially at first, so I'd recommend seeing a doctor about possibly anti-depressant medication to help you. Or something along those lines to help out.
It takes two to tango. If the relation is built like that is 50% your fault, you werent in cryogenia for 3 years and woke up to this situation, you BUILT IT, and sure as hell you can tear it down or modify it as you wish. All you have to do is wear you man-pants, with a belt.
What I mean is, think of HOW you would like things to work, push her to discuss this things, get her to cooperate as much as you do, and be FIRM about it. Worst case scenario, she breaks up with you, wich is a WIN. Best case scenario she understands you are not a maid and reciprocates (odds are against this happening), wich is ALSO a WIN.
But PLEASE hear me out, give the "Im a caveman male" attitude a chance, dont let her bully you, and she "might" change her ways.
Here's the biggest problem to overcome: She is not your responsibility. This is the hardest thing to not get in a relationship. You shouldn't be the sole caretaker unless for some reason she is bedbound and you are okay with that. What happens after the breakup isn't really your concern and it's something that a lot of people struggle with.
"If I leave her, what will she do? I'm worried for her well being because I care for her."
That's great. Don't let that fear keep you in a relationship you're not comfortable with, she is not your responsibility. That said, you should still both care for each other and help each other out with issues, emotions, pain, etc. Don't let the "she is not my responsibility" hinder your care for her.
Now the question you have to ask yourself is this: Are you willing to break up if she does not meet your demands for a relationship on some basic level? It's a soup you both are working on, if you're doing all the prep and cooking, what's the point?
From where I stand, she appears to be taking advantage of you and that is not a healthy relationship. The emotional strain, hell even the physical strain, is going to wear you down and be nothing but problems for you healthwise.
I care for her- really. I'm just so damn lonely.. When I ask for intimacy she often denies me. I try my best to never complain, but after a month or so.. I just begin to physically hurt. It sounds so f*cking pathetic.. I know.. I don't really care.. I love her, but I can't take it. "
So from this I assume you mean you have no problem going down on her if she asks but she rarely reciprocates even if you ask?
So is your issue with her mainly regarding sex? Or is it everything with the relationship?
This, you are in a relationship with some ficticious idealized version of your gf and it's making you sad the real deal doesn't stack up. You're waiting for her to get better and start acting like the girl you want to be in a relationship with and you'll be waiting a long time, because it ain't her.
Anecdotaly, I would say get out man. This relationship sounds like it sucks, it's crashing and burning and you're going down with it. Leave and find someone who actually puts some effort into being in a relationship, because being in a one sided relationship is no fun at all.
This tells me she's aware that things aren't exactly fair, but has no intention of changing that, and hates that you brought it up.
My advice? Bring it up again, but this time be firm. Tell her that this isn't a one way street and you refuse to be made a bad guy for bringing up issues that bother you. If she still tries to make you feel terrible for trying, there isn't much left to salvage here.
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Well first off I'd just like to say thanks to everyone for being so polite and respectful.. its actually kind of amazing, really cool.. and honestly makes me feel quite a bit better just having read the responses.
Over the last year I've lost a lot of the people I can speak about this stuff with... ironically as a result of putting my relationship on higher priority and thus placing friendships on the back burner... I'm not blaming her for that- that was my decision. Ironically x2 she has more friends than she did when we met.
Even so I don't think the advice I'd get from my friends would be all that applicable- most of them are career minded bachelors (early to late 30s) who seem to dislike LTRs. In fact, most of them just bust on me for being.. as one friend put it.. "Mr. Sally homemaker." It doesn't really annoy me or anything.. its just not all too helpful.
I guess the only extenuating circumstance is that we live together which I'm assuming you inferred from my post. Other than that, there's not a whole lot more to add. She did have a knee injury about a year ago. While the injury wasn't that bad, it still pains her. Its made it hard to walk around outside for long distances for her. I've begged her to see an orthopedic specialist, but instead she just sits on the couch after work with her leg raised. I try to help her by rubbing Lidocaine cream on her leg and wrapping it (ace bandage.)
That's exactly how I feel sometimes.
You're not wrong. In fact, I admit I set a horrific precedent (doing TOO much?) I'm more along the lines of thinking how you do. I'm just terrified of torching a relationship that might be able to be saved.
Yes and no. Yes, I will do *anything* at anytime for her because her satisfaction is immensely important to me.. and yes there have been times in the past where she's reciprocated.. though it sometimes seems a little robotic, cold, and dissociative.. as far as frequency I can't only say that considering how long we go between periods the idea of reciprocation implies an initial event... that event is illusive and usually absent.
Good question. The truth? It's become that.. and its not so much about sex as it is about intimacy and knowing that she wants me, loves me, and still finds me cute/attractive/desirable. I mean there are other things.. like the amount of effort I put and vice versa. That's the main thing though.. intimacy and connection.
On another note..
SORRY about the Wall of Text
That being said, I don't know how you are as a communicator, so it's possible you just kind of suck at it. This is where a counselor can come in handy. If you absolutely want to save this thing, it's your only recourse at this point. If she refuses to go to a relationship counselor then walk away. if she will go then give it a shot and see if things improve.
This is my opinion from a random internet person...so take what you will from it.
It sounds like there is a lot of things going on. Stuff that we are never going to fully understand. From you not being satisfied on the intimacy level, to her working (maybe feeling pressure to support both of you), etc. etc. etc.
So I'll give you 1 piece of advice, and it's regarding this comment:
Talk to her and suggest going to see a counselor or someone to talk about the things in your relationship that need to be worked on.
If she blows up from that or starts giving you shit and makes you feel bad about even bringing it up, take that as you tried to save the relationship and move on.
Good luck to you, I hope things do work out...but if they don't, I would recommend going to someone to help you move on from this relationship
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I wish everyone the best.
I also cook, clean and generally do everything for my girlfriend. I'm totally fine with it. The difference is that I know how amazingly thankful she is to have me, and makes sure I am kept aware of her appreciation. Honestly, in my relationship things just turned out that way: she's messy and I'm clean-er; she tends to work later hours than I do and have less freedom of movement during the day. In the end, it just makes sense and I feel uplifted for these things and not dragged down.
But earlier in the relationship I harbored some really negative resentment over a lot of this stuff because we weren't communicating that well (honestly) just yet and because I felt like I was "picking up her slack". That all changed when we had a few good talks and I made my feelings known and also posited to her that I wasn't going to keep doing it unless I felt like there was something in it for me. we almost split, once, over the issues involved. I stood up for myself and a lot changed. It sounds like my own situation is somewhat different, but I always feel it worthwhile to share perspective.
In all honesty, if things are as bad as you seem to portray them then there are bigger issues.
Maybe she doesn't intend it to be, maybe you feel like you've initiated these problems, but everything about your post screams of a selfish, controlling SO who is unwilling to work on your relationship issues or even acknowledge they exist. You deserve better. Being alone would even be better. GET OUT now and do not ever look back. This person does not in the least bit deserve you.
Your example is great because it shows that you need to talk about these things, and sometimes those conversations get ugly and/or emotional. If you're unwilling to speak up to create change, then by not speaking you are agreeing to the status quo.
A relationship is about finding a balance, as you won't be with someone who is a perfect match in all regards. Even perfect couples disagree over stupid shit. If both parties feel like they're getting something good out of the relationship, though, then they easily ignore the bad shit or even laugh over it.
What the heck? All we're hearing is one side of the story, and OP said that he believes she loves him and really cares, but is having trouble showing it right now. She got upset after he tried talking to her *one* time, but we don't even know what was said or how it was communicated.
A far more charitable interpretation: Two people love each other, have been together for three years, and live together. A while ago one of them got injured and the other one stepped up in household chores to help out. But her injury doesn't get better, they get stuck in some bad habits, communication breaks down, and they get in a situation where sex becomes about keeping score and "reciprocation" instead of intimacy and love.
And there's a world of difference between:
"you need to do more housework" vs "Hey I notice you're reading a book but there's a lot of work to be done for dinner, can I bring you some potatoes to peel? I'd like to get the housework done faster so we have more free time to spend together"
or
"you need to go down on me more" vs "lately I feel kind of lonely and you don't seem so interested, can we talk about this?"
Either way I think the worst possible situation is not that she's being abusive but that she needs to get a serious wakeup call that she's not putting enough effort into the relationship and that's a dealbreaker for him.
What it means is that you aren't compatibly sexually, neither of you are at fault but at the same time it really does imply heavily that it is not meant to be.
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