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An ethical quandary, could use some outside perspective
Seattle Thread
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This morning I received a text message from an old friend of mine--we shall call her "Sarah" to make things easier--stating that she's being kicked out of her apartment, and she'd like to use me as a reference as a stand-in landlord. While I haven't heard back from her regarding specifics, I'm pretty sure it's directly linked to her drug use.
See, she pretty much dropped off the face of the earth for several months last year, and later admitted to me that she'd been using heroin. I've tried being as supportive as I can, and I've even suggested various treatment centers when she's been distraught over her addiction, but it's not an easy thing to kick and she's never had a spirited will. I told her that I'd help her in any way that I can, and aside from a direct financial loan (although she'd never, ever ask me for money) I intend to stick with that.
However, this request has got me in a bind. She's essentially asking me to lie to any potential lessors as a means to shoehorn into a new place, and I'm not particularly fond of that. I don't even know if such a thing could come back to bite me in the ass later, so to speak, and it feels like I'd be enabling... but on the same token, I don't think she's got much in the way of options. As far as I know, her and her boyfriend have pretty much become hermits, as drug users tend to do, and many of her friends have moved out of the area. It might possibly be me and her ex-husband, and he's sure as hell not going to bat for her. And furthermore, I don't want to see her end up on the street. Her family lives in Kentucky and California, and she's definitely lacking the funds to go to them.
So as much as it seems like a no-brainer, I'm stuck in a dilemma. I could use some second opinions on the matter before I make a judgment call, and maybe there's something else that I'm not taking into account that you guys could shed some light on.
See, she pretty much dropped off the face of the earth for several months last year, and later admitted to me that she'd been using heroin. I've tried being as supportive as I can, and I've even suggested various treatment centers when she's been distraught over her addiction, but it's not an easy thing to kick and she's never had a spirited will. I told her that I'd help her in any way that I can, and aside from a direct financial loan (although she'd never, ever ask me for money) I intend to stick with that.
However, this request has got me in a bind. She's essentially asking me to lie to any potential lessors as a means to shoehorn into a new place, and I'm not particularly fond of that. I don't even know if such a thing could come back to bite me in the ass later, so to speak, and it feels like I'd be enabling... but on the same token, I don't think she's got much in the way of options. As far as I know, her and her boyfriend have pretty much become hermits, as drug users tend to do, and many of her friends have moved out of the area. It might possibly be me and her ex-husband, and he's sure as hell not going to bat for her. And furthermore, I don't want to see her end up on the street. Her family lives in Kentucky and California, and she's definitely lacking the funds to go to them.
So as much as it seems like a no-brainer, I'm stuck in a dilemma. I could use some second opinions on the matter before I make a judgment call, and maybe there's something else that I'm not taking into account that you guys could shed some light on.
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I have no idea how they could find out you weren't who you say you are, but if they put you down on an application, that's a legal document. So you would basically be lying on a legal document.
In terms of you enabling, I would say that you probably are. It seems like your friend is having a few problems with responsibility, and by helping her out, you are just letting her avoid the subject.
On the other hand, if you actually believe that she is trying to turn herself around, a boost in the right direction can help out quite a bit.
I would certainly not vouch for my friend who I knew to be a drug user with no inkling of quitting. I would need them to convince me that they were actively seeking treatment, that they were committed to ending the drug use.
I'd suggest making any help you give Sarah conditional on her first getting into a treatment program. "I want to help you in any way I can, but if people are going to start asking me personal questions about you, I'd feel a whole lot more comfortable answering them if I could say that you're being proactive about addressing your addiction." Something like that.
This isn't even just about you. Let's say you agree and the new potential landlord calls you and smells shit a mile away. At that point they don't care who you are, they just know that the only reference they were given was a fake. She's definitely not getting the place then.
I know you don't want to see bad things happen to her, but aside from hiding her heroin there's only so much you can reasonably be expected to do.
At the same time, are there programs which find homes for people with drug abuse problems - or assist in the financing of them (ensuring the a certain amount of money goes to a secure account held in trust rather than their personal one) hwo might be able to help?
Honestly though, I can't see you actually being asked for a reference - you're a friend so you're not expected to be unbiased, so most agencies won't call you (they want to hear form previous agents). So saying yes is a largely meaningless action - and you've still got the option of telling the truth to the landlord (assuming you've even actually found it out). Plus do you actually know what is going on, or just suspect? How much have you stayed in contact with this person.
Say yes and don't lie to anyone. If you want, try and find out more about what happened and also any alternatives on offer. Other than the latter things, your assistance is going to be pretty useless when finding a house unless you've also signed up to be a guarantor (which by the sounds of things you shouldn't do).
But do not say "just promise to get help" because it's entirely possible they'll say "Yeah of course" then never actually do it. Go for the "show me you've been getting help and I'll feel comfortable helping you out."
I think you would make the best call here. As a friend, you know her background more and the context than any of us. Yes, I understand some people might say don't enable her and yadayada, tough love. But it sounds like she's still your friend and what that means to you might have a lot of weight. You may wish to find out how dire the situation is (through outside sources if you can), because it sounds like you are either going to be helping a friend who's addicted to drugs a place to stay at a place for a bit, or help a friend who is addicted to drugs find a place to live on the streets. Some might say enabling is worse, but I'm willing to bet it's 100x harder to kick the habit and get off the streets once someone ends up there, then someone who still has a home and someone who cares.
If she was my friend and if there were no legal ramifications for "lying" (just don't lie really, put a positive spin on things), I would help her out. Although, the drug thing sounds like an ongoing issue that isn't going away and I can see just breaking away from her too being best for both of you. But I don't know if I could do that in your situation, even if it was the "best" thing for myself.
With that said, it seems unlikely to me that potential landlords would call you asking about drug use or other personal issues, unless she's planning to move into some sort of subsidized housing or rehab-oriented community.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Just praise her virtues, but don't lie and say she hasn't used drugs. Even setting ethics aside (oof), it wouldn't do anyone any good regardless.
Heh, actually... she's hardly contacted me at all since she's made her addiction known. In fact, at times it's hard not to worry over whether she's OK or not, or if I'll spot her photo in the obits. It's frustrating as hell to deal with, but that's adulthood for you.
At any rate, I've just heard back from her, and it's as I suspected--she's been late on rent over a couple of months. I'm looking into rehab/addiction housing options for her (and subsequently, if anyone has some experience with such a thing in Seattle I'd be glad for some advice), but whether she actually goes is a completely different matter.
I agree that the reference thing seems odd, and I believe she specifically would like me to pose as her (now-ex) landlord. Anything to get her into a new place, I suppose, but I doubt it's even an actual thing that'll come up.
We've been incredibly close over the past several years, but addiction tends to make people lose contact with their friends and loved ones.
basically i think the drugs are a separate issue entirely, this'd be the same question regardless of the reasons she got kicked out of her previous place.
this isn't to say that being addicted to heroin isn't immensely fucking bad, of course, just that it's not particularly relevant to OP's quandary.
hitting hot metal with hammers
It's enabling in the sense that the issues from the previous residence (being kicked out due to excessive drug use) are of no consequence if the OP lies to get them this place. As it stands in the first post, it doesn't seem like there are plans in place by Sarah to end this drug use, which could lead to the same behavior that ended with her being asked to leave the original place. With no consequences, and no structured rehab plan, it would be very easy to fall into the same habits, and compromise the OP's position with whatever legal ramifications he would face for lying in the first place.
to the OP - has she ever stayed under your roof? Did she give you any sort of consideration for it? If y and y you can maybe ... bend your ethics here.
Honestly, there's no bureau of bad reference tracking. It's not going to come back on you in any material way. It's not like she tears the place up or doesn't pay rent, you're going to get a steamed up call from her landlord.
The main thing refs on leases are for is to find the person later if they have to be collected on.
So this really is pretty much a purely ethical quandary - you aren't going to get busted for fraud for this. Tell her you're a bad liar and you think you'd fuck it up and hurt her application if you aren't comfortable with it.
I host a podcast about movies.
This is what I was going to suggest - not that I know his financial situation or that he has any obligation to do so.
She needs to get her shit sorted out. Lying for her so she can seclude herself in a new place to continue the same cycle isn't doing her any favors. Maybe a short term favor - sure - but you are not responsible for her, and in the long run, she needs to maybe hit rock bottom, hopefully before something truly tragic happens.
Use it as an opportunity to have a real heart-to-heart conversation with her. I don't know how close you are or were, but though she may hate you for denying her request and telling her the truth, sometimes that's what a true friend has to do.
A slight tangent, but this is my thought as well. They'll rent a new place, and not make rent there either. Typically someone with a hard drug addiction problem can't be reliable to make rent on time, have good credit, and hold a steady job. Keep in mind @Makershot , that a land lord reference is only one of the things landlords use to figure out if they are potentially good tenants - they also run criminal background checks, credit checks, etc.,
I wasn't able to find any applicable state law in Washington with regards to falsifying a rental reference, but it is most policy's to evict or deny an apartment if it turns out anything was falsified, which is a risk they run.
All of this reminds me of a story I heard on This American Life. A group of Franciscan monks runs a homeless shelter in the Bronx. Their only rule is you can't do drugs, or be on drugs while you're there - it's just too dangerous for everyone else. It's a firm rule, and they stick to it. We all figure monks are kind and gentle guys right? How could they do that to a drug addict? Especially if it's in the winter? Well, as they explained it, they're kind, but they're not nice. They're hard men, who do their best to help others, but they aren't door mats. Maybe that's just life in NYC. I dunno. That story always stuck with me though, with respects to drug addiction and how we help those we care about.
PS: Everyone talks as if a drug addict was a complete demon, or as if consuming drugs ment that the person is unable to do anything else. And I want everyone with this point of view to know that they are wrong, selfish and some of the posters just plain heartless. A friend with a health problem and housing problem, asking for help, and some people suggested to help her " IF " she did this or that. Its a shame to see that kind of rightousness mentality over the needed.
I mean, whatever, it's just a verbal reference I guess (except for the part where she wants him to lie and say he's someone else), but honestly helping her continue her current behavior so she doesn't need to get or find help is pretty much the very definition of enabling.
In a somewhat positive spin, I did chat with her at length the other day, and she's taking a cessation aid--not methadone, but similar--in an effort to kick the habit. I hope it sticks, but at least it's a step in the right direction.
Nothing further to be said, Ceres, so go ahead and zip this one up.