Trouble achieving orgasm?

Inx

So, embarrassing as this is to bring up to a forum full of people, I know of no more understanding and respectful community than you guys, so here goes.

This has been a long-standing issue in my life, but only recently has it started to bother me. During sexual activity, I find it really difficult to reach orgasm. I enjoy sexual activity, it all feels very nice, but for some reason 9 times out of 10 a sexual encounter ends with me finishing the job myself (with varying levels of encouragement from my lady partner at the time). This hasn't been an enormous problem in the past, but with the relationship I'm in now it's got me a bit more frustrated. We don't get a lot of opportunities for intimacy, as we both live with our parents (we're in our late 20s but don't make enough money to move out, even together), so it's typically when my parents have a night out and our schedules line up with it that we have any chance alone. So, when we DO get intimate, I'd like to not have to finish by masturbating every time. I know she doesn't really mind it, but it does make the overall event a little less special for me. She's against birth control (for herself, not as a concept) as well, so it's a condom or nothing every time, which makes it even more difficult for me to orgasm, to the point where sometimes I can't even finish the job myself after taking the condom off.

I think this has something to do with my recent spike in insecurity and jealousy in the relationship as well, which is something new for me - I've never been super confident, but I've also never been super down on myself or super jealous, and lately I've been both of those things. I worry about our sex life a lot - wondering if I turn her on, if she's been faking orgasm, why she wasn't so wet last time we got intimate, that sort of thing. I should note that as far as size goes, I'm probably just a bit below average, and I've got a bit of a weight problem. She tells me she loves me just as I am, and that I have nothing to worry about. I trust her, like I don't think she's going to go out and cheat on me, but there's a little voice in my head that tells me that someone's going to come along that's worlds better than I am and convince her to leave me behind. I don't know if this kind of thing could be caused by sexual difficulty, but it's going to cause problems in the relationship and I don't want that to happen.

I've considered vasectomy, but I think she wants kids one day, and while I'm keen on adopting I think she wants to actually give birth. So that option might not be in the cards.

SammyF

I think we should probably talk about your emotional state eventually, but before we get there, I have a couple of physical questions to get out of the way first:

1. How often do you masturbate?
2. Aside from a condom, what else are you using during vaginal intercourse? Lubrication, etc?
3. Do you experience difficulty in achieving orgasm with vaginal intercourse only, or do you experience the same difficulty with oral sex, handjobs, etc?

MushroomStick

Are you knuckle dusting on nights when you're not together? If so, take a break from that for a week or two and it will be infinitely easier to get your business done.

Inx

1) Depends on the week, but I'd say probably once a day on average. It's kinda hard for me to get through most days without it. Like, I get irritable and edgy.
2) Usually just a condom, but we'll use some lube if we need it.
3) Everything that isn't masturbation or unprotected vaginal sex. Though I haven't tried anal yet, so I dunno about that.

schuss

Make sure you use nice condoms. If you aren't worried about diseases, try lambskin. Once you get used to the weird smell, it feels about 100 times better than even the nicer condoms.

Detharin

Your self doubt and lack of trust could definitely be playing into it. I had a issue with an ex where the issues between us made her getting me off problematic. For that you could talk to her about your insecurities. Reassurances from her might help. Also it could be a technique, positional, or sensitivity problem. Perhaps the position you are using is not hitting the right places, you could also have some areas that are more or less sensitive than others. Having her give you a good massage beforehand can also really help loosen you up, which may make things easier. Of course you will want to reciprocate but no reason you cannot work on her, then have her work on you.

Dhalphir

Give up the jerking, especially on days where you are together.

SammyF

I'd suggest investing in some form of latex-safe lubrication. Use a drop or two on the inside and gently work it into the head/reservoir of the condom before putting it on. After it's on, use a couple drops more to lubricate the entire length of the outside. You know what actually can help you figure out how much lube is right for the necessary level of comfort, is masturbating while wearing a condom. You only need to try it once to figure out what's right for you.

As far as your habitual masturbation goes, you should definitely consider scaling back on that. Particularly if your a firm handshake kind of a man, that can desensitize you.

You should also consider talking to your girlfriend about your insecurities, etc. It sounds like you don't feel particularly comfortable with your sex life for a variety of reasons (concern over your sexual appeal, a perceived lack of privacy which derives from not having your own space, so on). It's hard to really enjoy sex if you can't relax about it.

Inx

She knows about my insecurities, and she thinks I'm being silly - that is to say, she tells me I have nothing to worry about. She enjoys the sex, or so she says. Most of the time I believe her, but sometimes it's hard not to wonder.

As far as masturbation goes, I've tried scaling it back and going without, but I just end up super stressed and irritable and I feel so much better afterwards. I don't know what's causing that, but I guess it's a problem?

I'll try that lube in the condom thing, I never thought of that, but is that smart for a smaller guy to try? Like, will the condom slip off? Cuz like, I can get off masturbating with a condom as they are normally, but sex with a condom is a no go.

There are definitely positions where I've had greater success - doggie usually gets me where I need to be, but with my current girlfriend I'm constantly slipping out during doggie to the point where it's simply not an option. I think that's directly related to my length, which isn't impressive. Aside from that, her techniques aren't really a problem - she's watched me masturbate enough times that she just emulates what I do, but it doesnt work.

Organichu

my situation emulated yours in a lot of ways- except it only happeed to me with the one girl in the beginning of the relationship, and once the problem was 'solved' it never rears its head again.

i was still able to get and stay hard, but never really get close to orgasm. i got closest with doggie (like you), but i still couldn't finish. we decided to just have me masturbate in front of her a few times to start. i was able to accomplish this, but if she tried to help at all- by touching my penis, or trying to perform oral, or even to scoot up seductively closer to me, my body would back off from climax no matter how close i was.

eventually i'd just masturbate with her a few feet away. after a few times with this, we moved to me finishing on her chest, and eventually in her mouth (though even that was a challenge, because the puffs of warm breath would force me to sort of start over). it was humiliating and humbling, even though she was mega cool about it. i'd assure her that i found her incredibly attractive, and she'd tell me it was ok, she was supportive etc. this helped a bunch.

then eventually after gradually increasing the level of involvement, i was able to climax during doggie. from that point on the problem was solved forever.

Inx

It's not really a pressure thing, I don't think - if I get myself close enough, she can reach over and finish the job if she wants, it's just getting anywhere close that's a problem.

I just realized I should have mentioned that I'm on vyvanse, which is an amphetamine for my ADD. Apparently this can cause vascular problems in men, leading to erectile problems, which definitely was a slight issue the other night. She didn't say anything, but I noticed that I wasn't as hard as I'm used to, and didn't stay as hard either.

SammyF

She knows about my insecurities, and she thinks I'm being silly - that is to say, she tells me I have nothing to worry about. She enjoys the sex, or so she says. Most of the time I believe her, but sometimes it's hard not to wonder.

You know, at some point, if you're going to trust a woman enough to put your dick in her mouth and hope that she won't bite it off, you ought to learn to take the things she says at face value.

I'm being facetious, but the larger point is that you need to feel comfortable with your partner or sex becomes something of an unpleasant chore. In this case, becoming comfortable with your partner means that first and foremost, you have to be comfortable with yourself. If you feel uncomfortable with your weight, for instance, start watching what you eat and hitting the gym. You'll feel better about it when you feel like you have more control over how you look. If you worry that for whatever reason, you might not be performing up to standards in the sack, start training for your Olympic medal in muff diving. The size of your penis has nothing to do with cunnilingus, and if you're capable and generous with your ability to curl a girl's toes with your head between her thighs, you're not going to register any complaints. If you feel like you'd like to have a little more privacy with your lady friend, save up a little bit and take her someplace nice for dinner and then get a hotel room somewhere. Doesn't have to be a luxury suite -- I know money is a little tight for both of you -- just someplace clean where you don't have to worry what time mom and pop are getting home.

Really, though, if you were capable of taking a step back and realizing that there's quite obviously nothing so wrong with you that it's preventing this girl from wanting to fuck you repeatedly, you could skip all of that, relax, and pass the baby gravy.

Inx

I still ENJOY the sex, it's not an unpleasant chore or anything, I just have trouble reaching orgasm. I've been losing weight for a while now, but it's slow going (partially due to medication that I'm on for my lungs), and I'm not seeing a lot of visual progress. I've tried going down on her, but last time I did it she seemed to get distracted and stopped me before I could figure out what I was doing wrong. I don't know if I was doing a poor job or if she's just not a fan of oral.

I don't think she puts as much importance on sex as I do - I've brought up the hotel thing before, but she doesn't want to do it. She thinks it's a waste of money unless we go all out and make a vacation of it, but I really can't afford that without saving for months on end, which is hard because we like to be able to go out places during the week.

I get that she's into me, that she loves me, all that. I do. My insecurity isn't a reasonable thing. But I don't think it's the reason I can't cum. If it were, I don't think I'd even be able to get or maintain an erection.

Jeedan

Do you watch porn?

EggyToast

I still think the masturbation thing is key here. You masturbate once a day and otherwise you get irritable and anxious. Then if you have sex, you're unable to orgasm. Arguably, you do not get anxious and irritable if you're unable to orgasm from sex.

I think you should talk with your girlfriend about a loose schedule for the sex so you can use that as your once-a-day orgasm. Your body will be more prepared to orgasm and you'll mentally be desiring and expecting an orgasm.

Inx

@Jeedan - yeah, typically

@EggyToast - I think the masturbation might be key too, but I don't know what to do to keep from getting irritable without it. I don't SEE the girlfriend on a daily basis, and a loose schedule isn't an option - she can't get into the mood if there's people around, and considering we both live with our parents, we're entirely at the whims of when our parent's schedules happen to line up with our own. If we were living together, maybe that would be an option, but we just can't afford that right now.

OpposingFarce

Inx, you and are I kindred spirits. Especially with the confidence/being told its ok thing. It's like you're me in that regard. Like you I'm below-averagely endowed, it sucks.

However, what helped me with that issue in particular was showering together! Because you wont be wearing a condom you wont be having sex, but it can be very intimate and develops comfortability with each other's bodies.

I agree with others that over-masturbation may be an issue. Is porn involved? If not, good. Masturbating every day to porn tricks the brain into thinking it has more sexual partners than it actually does which mess you up. Comes with a host of psychological issues that get in the way of enjoying sex.

Jeedan

Do you get as hard when jerking off without porn as you do with the assistance of porn? (I'm not asking you to answer this here by the way.)

If you don't, then quit porn.

noir_blood

Here's Dan Savage's answer when someone recently sent him a very similar question;

Here is my answer for you, Mr. HARD: The way you grip your dick when you beat off? And the way you allow your girlfriend to grip your dick? No more gripping your dick like that, HARD. From now on, whenever you masturbate, you’re going to jerk it with a light touch and few drops of lube. And if you can’t come using that lighter touch and a few drops of lube, then you don’t come. At least for now.

Basically, HARD, you gotta cut your dick off. Um, let me rephrase that: You gotta stop serving up the kind of stimulation your dick has come to expect—the death grip—because the only way your dick will ever come to appreciate the subtler and damper sensations that vaginas provide, HARD, is if you give your dick no choice. Give your dick what it’s used to, HARD, and your dick will be forever dependent on it. Drive your dick (and yourself) to desperation, and your dick will find new ways to get off.

Your dick will adapt.

You can help your dick adapt faster by stirring some other forms of physical and mental stimulation into the mix. Talk dirty (your biggest sex organ is between your ears), do some nipple play (I’m talking about your nipples), and explore different scenarios that turn you on (girlfriend calls the shots? Do it outside?), all the while experimenting with different positions that might provide you with a slightly snugger fit (girl on top, doggy style, etc.). Good luck!

EggyToast

Inx wrote: »

@Jeedan - yeah, typically

@EggyToast - I think the masturbation might be key too, but I don't know what to do to keep from getting irritable without it. I don't SEE the girlfriend on a daily basis, and a loose schedule isn't an option - she can't get into the mood if there's people around, and considering we both live with our parents, we're entirely at the whims of when our parent's schedules happen to line up with our own. If we were living together, maybe that would be an option, but we just can't afford that right now.

I assume that you usually see her at night, and you masturbate in the morning. What happens if you try switching to masturbating at night? That way if your plans fall through with your girlfriend, you can still have something to look forward to at home.

I think adjusting the way you masturbate and its timing will help you quite a bit. However, one other thing to consider is that the schedule constraints you two have also play a factor. The fact that you both live with your parents and have difficulty scheduling alone time means that when you DO have sex, you're stressed out. You're probably anxious to have sex and know you have a limited time and while some people enjoy the idea of having sex within a limited time frame under "dangerous" conditions, others need to fully relax and not worry about someone coming home early.

Point is, even though I think your masturbation frequency has some role in this, I also think your living conditions aren't helping matters. Since you're unable to change them at this point, you may just have to accept that your sex won't be as orgasmic as you like -- but you are still pleasing your girlfriend.

The Crowing One

Inx wrote: »

She knows about my insecurities, and she thinks I'm being silly - that is to say, she tells me I have nothing to worry about. She enjoys the sex, or so she says. Most of the time I believe her, but sometimes it's hard not to wonder.

Overshare time, but I have this exact issue. I didn't used to, but I've developed it over the last year (of a two-year relationship).

For me, I think it's a huge factor that I'm not really "getting" what turns me on in the bedroom, which is an ongoing work-in-progress. Essentially, I'm a very mental/verbal person when it comes to sexual excitement, and my partner is much closer to silent. It is really tough for me, in a long-term relationship, to be with someone sexually who doesn't tickle my brain during awesome sex.

I quoted the above because I really wonder if you're enjoying the sex. Your answers are almost all about her being satisfied, and that you shouldn't feel bad because she enjoys herself. That isn't to say that she isn't important, but I just wonder if there's something you want that you aren't getting. It's really just one angle, here, of many. It could be many things, but it doesn't seem like it's a matter of lack of confidence or derision. It could be overly reliant masturbatory habits, but it could also be that there's something missing.

Regardless, good luck.

Inx

@EggyToast - I don't really have a set time for masturbation, but most of the time I do masturbate before seeing her because I know we wont be able to get intimate, and if I DON'T get it out of my system it sometimes comes out in my behavior and puts her off. Even on days where I know my parents won't be around I do it because 9 times out of 10 we just don't end up back at my place in time to actually do anything.

@noir_blood - I'm...not really sure what kind of grip I'm using. I do use lube - can't get off without it. The problem with Dan Savage's advice is that as much as I'd LIKE to go without until my dick adapts, nobody's given me any advice on how to deal with the irritability, higher stress, and tension that I experience when I try to go without for any real length of time. And I don't mean that I just get a bit crabby, I mean that after a couple of days I can't even function. I wake up grouchy and if I even bother to get out of bed, I find myself unable to focus on anything. I get restless and annoyed and eventually I break down and just get one out of the way and everything's fine. I don't know if this is normal or what but I don't know how to get myself over that hump.

Like I said before, I do enjoy the sex, it feels fantastic and it's still a lot of fun, I just don't get to orgasm and that can be really frustrating.

a5ehren

Inx wrote: »

@noir_blood - I'm...not really sure what kind of grip I'm using. I do use lube - can't get off without it. The problem with Dan Savage's advice is that as much as I'd LIKE to go without until my dick adapts, nobody's given me any advice on how to deal with the irritability, higher stress, and tension that I experience when I try to go without for any real length of time. And I don't mean that I just get a bit crabby, I mean that after a couple of days I can't even function. I wake up grouchy and if I even bother to get out of bed, I find myself unable to focus on anything. I get restless and annoyed and eventually I break down and just get one out of the way and everything's fine. I don't know if this is normal or what but I don't know how to get myself over that hump.

Like I said before, I do enjoy the sex, it feels fantastic and it's still a lot of fun, I just don't get to orgasm and that can be really frustrating.

It's not.

Inx

a5ehren wrote: »

It's not.

Nice advice, bro.

a5ehren

Inx wrote: »

a5ehren wrote: »

It's not.

Nice advice, bro.

At least I answered a question instead of being a goose.

MushroomStick

Probably the easiest way to not wack off for a while is to just keep yourself busy doing something else. Play video games, read, exercise, or whatever else you enjoy doing etc. and so forth.

Tube

a5ehren wrote: »

Inx wrote: »

a5ehren wrote: »

It's not.

Nice advice, bro.

At least I answered a question instead of being a goose.

you answered it incorrectly.

Aurora Borealis

Do not ever be insecure about how wet she is getting or not getting. Women have the everpresent cycle, some days of the month it will be super easy to lube up naturally, others not so much. It has absolutely nothing to do with your cock.

As an aside, the cervix itself moves around with the cycle, there are days of the month I can't do certain positions I normally love because it is hurty...

Anyway,

She says she's happy with the sex. You say you're happy with the sex, other than this. And you can get orgams just fine through masturbating, and you can only vary your sexual routine so much until your living situation changes. You need to tell that little voice in your head to STFU.

Christ Puncher

I've been doing NoFap for the past 2 months (relapsing here and there) and I can tell you with near certainty that porn and masturbation are your issue. Every single person on there who gave it a legit shot has had their Erectile Dysfunction issue cleared up. Seriously, just stop watching porn and jerking it (both, not one or the other). The results will fucking astonish you. It's not easy at all though. Go to the nofap subreddit for any and all information about this and to decide if you wanna try it, but it really is that simple.

edit: actually, watch this first:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

Aoi Tsuki

Inx wrote: »

The problem with Dan Savage's advice is that as much as I'd LIKE to go without until my dick adapts, nobody's given me any advice on how to deal with the irritability, higher stress, and tension that I experience when I try to go without for any real length of time. And I don't mean that I just get a bit crabby, I mean that after a couple of days I can't even function. I wake up grouchy and if I even bother to get out of bed, I find myself unable to focus on anything. I get restless and annoyed and eventually I break down and just get one out of the way and everything's fine. I don't know if this is normal or what but I don't know how to get myself over that hump.

This is not normal. For most people, going a day or two without jerking it is annoying, or distracting, not a hindrance to basic function; it's gotten to be so important to you that it's no wonder you can't have sex without it. Dan Savage also had a letter from a guy who masturbated by humping a towel laid out on the bed, to the point where he had a threesome with two hot girls and was unable to get off with either of them, and the advice was the same: to just grit your teeth and train yourself out of it. When you're trying to go without, what kind of things have you tried as distractions? Exercise is always a good start, just to have your body doing something else.

Christ Puncher

Re: irritability, frustration, tension:

This only lasts about a week or so while doing nofap, maybe 10 days. After that, the withdrawal will start to become less severe. Treat it like any other addiction. The longer you abstain from partaking in it, the more your brain and body will recover.

Inx

Aoi, I've not tried exercise, but I've tried video games, writing, eating, working...the list goes on. I'll give exercise a shot I guess.

SammyF

Inx wrote: »

Aoi, I've not tried exercise, but I've tried video games, writing, eating, working...the list goes on. I'll give exercise a shot I guess.

May I suggest that while you give exercise a shot, you also give being optimistic about the potential that it might help a try? Seriously, everything I'm reading from you since your first post has this general tone of "well thanks I guess but that's not helpful advice because..." You sound like Eeyore on anti-placebos, and that really isn't helping you because if you're convinced in the back of your mind that nothing can help you, that's going to become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Inx

SammyF, i gotta tell you that's been an overarching theme in my life. Never been much of an optimist, and as a result never been much of an achiever either.

Really not sure why.

Dhalphir

There isn't much point posting here if you aren't gonna at least consider the advice you're given.

It is NOT normal to have drug-like dependencies (to the point of physical withdrawal symptoms) on jerking it.

Break yourself of it cold turkey and you will feel 10000x better within 2 weeks.

Inx

..scratch all this. She broke up with me. Sorry guys. We can close this thread now.

ceres

Sorry to hear it, man.