Settle a debate: BF and Funeral Etiquette

Kyougu

I'll start off by saying when I say "Friend" I actually mean friend. This situation came up yesterday and it brought up a discussion among some of my friends. I'm curious what others think.

Here's the situation: A friend's grandma recently passed away, and the funeral is being held in Hawaii (we are in Texas). She and her boyfriend are now going there for four days, including the weekend.

The problem came up when they were packing and he started packing his dlsr camera, snorking gear and other vacation stuff. This made her upset as she felt he was being disrespectful and seeing the trip as a vacation.

So what do you all think? Does she have a right to be upset? Or as someone pointed out, how often do you go to Hawaii? If he's paying for a ticket there he should get a chance to a least enjoy it.

Mainly curious as to people's opinions.

Dhalphir

I have never subscribed to the fact that you have to artificially make yourself more miserable at funerals by avoiding enjoying yourself in the days around the funeral.

I doubt her grandma would actually legitimately be offended that someone enjoyed themselves before/after her funeral, given that it was in HAWAII.

amateurhour

Personally I think it depends on how long they're staying there. If it's just for like three our four days and two of them are going to be heavily involved with a funeral and one is almost fully taken up with travel, then yeah, it's a little goose-y to pack snorkeling gear and vacation stuff.

If you're there for more than two or three days after the actual funeral and wake have passed, then I don't really see a problem with it.

I think context is important here. Did the boyfriend actually discuss packing this stuff or just start throwing it in a shared suitcase? How long have they been together? Did he know the grandmother at all?

She has a right to be upset because she's a human being and has a right to be upset about whatever the hell she wants... (no dickery meant by that, I just think it's a loaded question, of course she can be upset) but whether or not it's justified relies very heavily on if the boyfriend discussed packing this stuff ahead of time and how long after the wake they'll be on an island.

edit: I just noticed you said it would be four days. I think it's a little ridiculous to pack snorkeling gear and vacation clothing when they will at most have a day to actually relax and do anything related to snorkeling or vacationing. I'm guessing even after the wake your friend will be spending time with family, and even if the boyfriend won't be around for that he can drop $30 bucks and rent some gear for a few hours if he's going to be on his own.

I don't think he was intentionally being disrespectful, but I do think the situation lacked tact.

3cl1ps3

I can see why she'd get upset about this. They're only going for four days. In my experience with family members dying, the four days around a funeral can quickly get filled up with family time that feels pretty necessary when you're all grieving. If her boyfriend is new he may not have much attachment to the grandma and probably did it just thoughtlessly (rather than maliciously), but I would probably get upset in her shoes too if I was going somewhere to grieve and my significant other was treating it like a vacation, especially when we're only going for a small amount of time. Like, you're going there to say goodbye and mourn, and your significant other is basically going WHOO VACATION! That would upset me too.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong for him to bring that stuff, especially if he doesn't know the family that well and probably won't be part of the grieving process in any significant capacity. But I think he could have handled it waaayyy better. Personally, I think he should leave the stuff at home and focus on being there for her.

bowen

Tactless, not necessarily bad. You're spending all that money to go, might as well enjoy yourself in what little time you have there.

Funerals shouldn't be about sadness entirely, it's about remembering happy times and enjoying good memories while remembering the person that's gone. Bonus points for being in Hawaii and being able to help the grieving process with some bitchin' waves and sight seeing.

zepherin

I think he could have handled it better, and with a little more tact, but after a funeral it is often good to take your mind off the funeral and do something enjoyable. I found that helped after my Grandpa passed. You can sit around and drown in grief, or you can do something a bit different and take your mind off of it and perhaps have a good time. It's not against social protocall to enjoy yourself after a funeral is done.

Darkewolfe

That's not tactless at all. Shit, last funeral my fiance went to for a dearly beloved family member was a sad funeral, a wake, and then everyone getting drunk on the beach. You have a lot of fun and sometimes say, "Grandma would've enjoyed this, remember that time that she hit on that cabana boy?" Everyone laughs, and the family adjusts to life post-grandma.

Orogogus

Darkewolfe wrote: »

That's not tactless at all. Shit, last funeral my fiance went to for a dearly beloved family member was a sad funeral, a wake, and then everyone getting drunk on the beach. You have a lot of fun and sometimes say, "Grandma would've enjoyed this, remember that time that she hit on that cabana boy?" Everyone laughs, and the family adjusts to life post-grandma.

I think the tactless part is just that they were still packing. It did make me think of that Simpsons episode where Homer is gearing up to go fishing during the marriage retreat. Everyone heading to the beach comes across as a more natural part of the grieving process than, say, booking jet-skis ahead of time.

MushroomStick

How involved are they actually going to be in the funeral? If they're just there for a wake and burial, they may only have like a day and a half worth of obligation. Maybe it would be good for all of them to take a day or so doing vacation stuff to get their minds off of death. No need to make the entire trip some sort a pity party.

Deebaser

Yeah, he probably looks like a tool to her and that's OK, because you know, grief, but on the otherhand she's dragging him to Hawaii for a funeral for four days. They both come off very mildly and obviously excusably goosish here.

Phisti

My family gets together for funerals, we don't otherwise. Needless to say the actual 1-hour of the funeral is pretty sombre, there are some moments before and after that are quiet / reflective. But the rest of the time is a party of old family and friends getting together and celebrating the life of the one who has passed - and those are funerals within a few 100km radius of where we live. If going to Hawaii it's hard to say don't bring this stuff and have a good time outside the actual funeral stuff. Both need to be a little more understanding - I'm sure in the mind of the BF his first trip to Hawaii wasn't for a funeral.

NotYou

Why are they going there for 4 days if the only purpose is being at a funeral? My grandparents had 1 day affairs.

iRevert

NotYou wrote: »

Why are they going there for 4 days if the only purpose is being at a funeral? My grandparents had 1 day affairs.

Exactly.

kaliyama

My advice is leave him because what kind of weirdo owns snorkeling gear in texas?

Rayze

NotYou wrote: »

Why are they going there for 4 days if the only purpose is being at a funeral? My grandparents had 1 day affairs.

That would make sense, if the funeral was local to the OP's friend/bf. Along with the funeral, it's an opportunity to visit relatives you haven't seen in a while and spend time with them


I think the gf has the right to be a bit upset but in the bf's eyes, he's going to be surrounded by people he might not know that well and may just want to enjoy himself while he's in Hawaii. I mean, it's fucking Hawaii

iRevert

Rayze wrote: »

NotYou wrote: »

Why are they going there for 4 days if the only purpose is being at a funeral? My grandparents had 1 day affairs.

That would make sense, if the funeral was local to the OP's friend/bf. Along with the funeral, it's an opportunity to visit relatives you haven't seen in a while and spend time with them


I think the gf has the right to be a bit upset but in the bf's eyes, he's going to be surrounded by people he might not know that well and may just want to enjoy himself while he's in Hawaii. I mean, it's fucking Hawaii

At the same time we don't know how long they've been dating...If they've only been dating for a month or two he might not want to meet her family and as such is preparing to make himself scarce when she is visiting with them and he'll have something to keep himself occupied during that time.

Now if they've been dating for 6+ months I can see her getting a bit mad if she expects him to be with her family all that time.

Also we don't know who's paying for the trip, if its split I don't think she really can get that mad at him. If she's fronting the entire bill then yes she has every right to get mad at him.

LadyM

Sounds crass to me, especially if she was very close to her grandma. It comes across as, "Awesome, your grandma died! I've always wanted an excuse to visit Hawaii!"

Is some of her extended family in Hawaii? My expectation would be that she'd be visiting with / remembering grandma with her other relatives and maybe picking out a few small things to remember her by from her home.

Rayze

iRevert wrote: »

Rayze wrote: »

NotYou wrote: »

Why are they going there for 4 days if the only purpose is being at a funeral? My grandparents had 1 day affairs.

That would make sense, if the funeral was local to the OP's friend/bf. Along with the funeral, it's an opportunity to visit relatives you haven't seen in a while and spend time with them


I think the gf has the right to be a bit upset but in the bf's eyes, he's going to be surrounded by people he might not know that well and may just want to enjoy himself while he's in Hawaii. I mean, it's fucking Hawaii

At the same time we don't know how long they've been dating...If they've only been dating for a month or two he might not want to meet her family and as such is preparing to make himself scarce when she is visiting with them and he'll have something to keep himself occupied during that time.

Now if they've been dating for 6+ months I can see her getting a bit mad if she expects him to be with her family all that time.

Also we don't know who's paying for the trip, if its split I don't think she really can get that mad at him. If she's fronting the entire bill then yes she has every right to get mad at him.

Yes, but until we know more info, it's all speculation. Since they're flying from Texas to Hawaii together (and it's not a cheap stay), my guess is that they've been involved for a while

It was a tactless move on his part but I can understand it from his point of view (from my limited knowledge of the situation)

Kyougu

Good points so far. I honestly erred on the side of "He's going to support her (and her family), anything else should be second", but I see why he may have packed the stuff.

To clear some of the questions they been dating since about March/April and it's pretty serious. She's met his family, he her's, and she's actually just came back from one of his family reunions in Colorado. She paid her way there, so I'm assuming he paid his way to Hawaii, but since she has family there I'm also assuming they're staying there.

Avraham

NotYou wrote: »

Why are they going there for 4 days if the only purpose is being at a funeral? My grandparents had 1 day affairs.

I would assume it's 4 days because that was the most convenient or cheapest way to arrange their travel plans.

bowen

Avraham wrote: »

NotYou wrote: »

Why are they going there for 4 days if the only purpose is being at a funeral? My grandparents had 1 day affairs.

I would assume it's 4 days because that was the most convenient or cheapest way to arrange their travel plans.

Even better. You've got 3 days to shoot the shit basically. Probably more like 2, first day is going to be a bear to deal with.

RadicalTurnip

I don't think it was wrong, he's going to Hawaii for four days. It may have been a bit tactless, but that requires more information. I mean, if she was obviously grieving and crying-while packing type of stuff...yeah, probably not a good idea. If she was talking about how beautiful Hawaii was and how much she enjoys this restaurant or that beach, well, then it's sorta' her own fault.

ceres

Man if I were going to Hawaii for lung surgery I would pack a snorkel, because fucking Hawaii, man.

My point is, the funeral home is almost certainly just ONE of the sights he's going to see.