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Women, Shame, and Desire

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    QuidQuid Definitely not a banana Registered User regular
    robbeh wrote: »
    Lanchester wrote: »
    Completely agree. There's a difference between cocky and confident...and it can be as little as how you put something. For example, in your OP you used "I'm physically impressive" and "In good shape." I literally rolled my eyes when I read the physically impressive bit
    Dude I'm not looking for condescension. Seriously worthless comment, you're extrapolating some significance out of something truly innocuous.

    Ease up. Your issue is you're having trouble with social situations. Lanchester told you how they feel with the way you presented yourself. Whether you think it is innocuous isn't going to change how people perceive you based on how you act and what you say. And if you react as negatively to constructive criticism in the real world like you have here it could be another very real cause to your problems.

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    KarrmerKarrmer Registered User regular
    edited September 2012
    ceres wrote: »
    Karrmer, shut up and find another thread. This is your only warning.

    I feel like I've been pretty nice and when presented with advice this guy responds with things like "Seriously worthless comment, you're extrapolating some significance out of something truly innocuous. Let's call a spade a spade - you don't like whatever portrait I painted, you're telling me that, and then you're spouting some generic, useless bromides to offset the blanket criticism. And that other dude's comments are so stupid I didn't think I needed to address them, but cuz people keep quoting him I'll take a sec:"..."So, Lanchester, you don't like my phrasing? That's too bad."..."So if I seem like a douche, then howbout you go find another thread. Cuz you're not going to help by being one yourself."

    And I'm the bad guy here? I'm not the only one posting this stuff either, the whole point of this thread is him having issues meeting women and I'd say personality is the biggest part in this, especially since he is such an impressive physical specimen. I'm sure I'll get banned now though, since I didn't "shut up."

    Karrmer on
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    robbehrobbeh Registered User regular
    honkymcgoo wrote: »
    Personally I find that now that I'm approaching 30 and the bar/club scene is a bit less appealing, the best place to meet people is at shows. You've already got at least one topic to talk about since you're both (presumably) there to see a band you both enjoy. People drink but it's not the same drinking environment as a bar so you're more likely to run into moderate, social or non drinkers. And the time that shows usually happens lends itself to an easy invitation to hang out afterward, as you can just say "Hey, I was gonna go grab a late night slice. Wanna come with?" or something similar. It's usually simple enough to talk at least a little bit during each bands set, and the time between bands is perfect for talking. As an added bonus to someone who may be looking to expand their social circle, if you go to enough shows you start to see the same people out at them and become friends capable of hanging out outside of shows, and they will introduce you to more people and so on and so on. Obviously your mileage may vary, but that's my preferred activity.
    That's a very good idea dude, there's decent music scene around where I live. Will report back if I find a venue and check it out. Seems so obvious now that you mention it :) ty

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    LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    edited September 2012
    I would advocate the dating website approach.

    You and others will be there looking for people to hang out with, so it doesn't seem "desperate" or "creepy" because you both know why you are on the site. Plus, it sounds like you could use a bunch of dates (dates, not relationships) to practice your social skills and calm those nerves. The dates probably won't go anywhere and that's fine, the important part is to learn how to act with other people.

    Lilnoobs on
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    LanchesterLanchester Registered User regular
    edited September 2012
    Why am I a douche? I didn't call you anything, you asked for advice and I gave something I thought would help along with examples in your OP. The problem is you find them innocuous but others won't. There is nothing wrong with saying you're good looking, I never said that...BUT there is a difference when you put it in a manner that makes you come off like a cocky douche - "I'm physically impressive". You've stated several times in your OP and comments that you have a good body and get numbers easily. That's great, but when you start talking to them and make the "innocuous" statements like that, they could easily roll their eyes and become less interested. If you don't think that's a problem or don't think I'm right then that's fine too...but attacking me for it is just ridiculous and childish...

    Any advice that seems to involve some negative aspects, you don't seem to be able to handle it constructively. As well as the other issues that others have pointed out, they aren't going to be resolved on an internet forum. My advice is go see a therapist

    EDIT: My other bit of advice would be look at some of your own reply's and apply them to yourself. More specifically, the reply to me and others where you berate them and call them asses for making comments and judgement to someone on an internet thread when that's all they know of them.

    Lanchester on
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    honkymcgoohonkymcgoo Registered User regular
    Also, just a general tip for social interaction: For every one sentence you say about yourself ask two questions about the person you're talking to. This works great if you're shy, because it lets you look polite and interested while also making sure the other person does a lot of the talking. It also really keeps conversation moving forward since you can expand on their answers and get a dialogue going. And it's great if you are the type of person that has a hard time coming up with topics of conversation.

    I didn't even know what the fuck and avitar was until about 5 minutes ago.
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    NamrokNamrok Registered User regular
    I think people are missing something important, and this is speaking as someone who's been there in my younger years.

    Yeah, Robbeh could be rude, self centered, defensive, and has a hard time empathizing with others, or putting himself in someone else's shoes.

    Hence the vicious cycle. These things would correct themselves if people gave him a chance and he socialized more, and established more meaningful relationships. But he can't because he drives people away or can only form superficial temporary relationships. And I'm talking friends or romantic relationships.

    Taking all this into consideration, perhaps I should change my advice. Robbeh, think about the awesome people you've known in your life. The sorts of people you want to be around. How can you be more like them? Overwhelmingly, I've found, these sorts of people focus more on how they make other people feel, than how people make them feel. They strive to make people feel good about themselves, and show sincere personal interest in others, instead of trying to get others to make them feel good, or get others to show an interest in them.

    Some of your bravado and bluster is definitely overcompensating. So is your defensiveness. People who find themselves in the vicious cycle of needing more quality ties to people, but driving everyone off by attempting to do so poorly, find different ways to break out.

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    HewnHewn Registered User regular
    edited September 2012
    robbeh wrote: »
    So, advice I'm looking for: how/where to go to practice socializing and meeting people without coming off as a creep, or being desperate, or making people uncomfortable. Like you said, can't just go sit in a library and hope for the best, but I don't really have momentum to fly into new social circles, and I don't live in dorms or anything.

    Do you go to school? Easiest way to meet new people is campus clubs and organizations. Volunteer and otherwise. There's clubs for EVERYTHING on my campus. Even saw a Starcraft/Diablo club. Harry Potter. Anime. Birding. The works. And of course huge clubs dedicated to things like pre-med, nursing, education... whatever field you're going into. I've always met people pretty easily that way. Again, you can't be afraid to jump in and talk. Don't forget to ask if anybody wants to hang out later, too. If you're having a good conversation with somebody, say, "Hey let's exchange numbers so we can hang out later." Then say you're bored on a Friday night, see what they are doing. They might not always respond or care, and that's fine. People are people. But lots of people are more than willing and eager to talk to new folks. I'd be down if somebody wanted to do that!

    If you're not in school the same principle applies but you'll have to be more proactive finding the clubs. In my experience, you meet really quality people in volunteer organizations, especially outside of campus. There's a way to volunteer for about anything, whether it's animal welfare or helping seniors. Will those people always be of your age? Nope. But sometimes they are. And regardless, you'll learn a lot from older folks and they make great friends. They are WAY more likely to pay for drinks/lunch, for example ;)

    There's also websites dedicated to meet-ups for events like watching sports or book clubs. That's a great option, too. Work is always a place people meet other people. Again, saying "Yes!" is key to getting included into functions. Meeting people often works like a snowball effect. You might move to a new area, not know anybody, then hey, take a chance on a co-worker's party. There you meet a cool person, exchange numbers, and etc. etc. it keeps rolling until you've got a web of contacts. Hell, when I was new to an area I met somebody on a plane that was in the same situation as me - new and looking for somebody to explore/hang out with. Traded numbers and bam, new friend.

    I've rarely met people at bars, but it happens time to time. It's way less reliable than clubs or organizations. Those are pretty sure-fire ways you'll get into new social groups. One final piece of advice, if you're looking for a date, remember that ALL people know single girls. That means dudes. That means girls you don't find attractive. And taken girls. So as you hang out with them and work on being a cool dude, they might go, "You know I have a friend that would be perfect for you..." And there you go. Even if they don't have a friend for you, you probably won't give a damn if you're having a good time and socializing.
    honkymcgoo wrote: »
    Also, just a general tip for social interaction: For every one sentence you say about yourself ask two questions about the person you're talking to. This works great if you're shy, because it lets you look polite and interested while also making sure the other person does a lot of the talking. It also really keeps conversation moving forward since you can expand on their answers and get a dialogue going. And it's great if you are the type of person that has a hard time coming up with topics of conversation.

    That's a cheap trick, but it really works. When people ask me questions, I like it! If they look genuinely interested when I'm blabbing on, it's a huge bonus.

    Hewn on
    Steam: hewn
    Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
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    robbehrobbeh Registered User regular
    I'm going to check out some clubs on campus this week, will report back. Thanks for idea

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    PixelMonkeyPixelMonkey Registered User regular
    Yes uni clubs are good what are you studying by the way?

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