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Parent's anniversary...one parent gone.

DrezDrez Registered User regular
edited October 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
I just wanted to see what people's thoughts are, or if there is some custom...

My mother passed away last year. My parents were married for 32 years. Would have been 33 today. Should I...do anything for my father? Wish him a happy anniversary? Or just pretend it's like any other day? Not really sure what to do in this situation.

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  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    I'd ignore that one. I think anything else is going to bring up painful memories. Maybe take your dad out to lunch or something on that day so he's not alone, but I can't imagine wishing him a happy anniversary since technically, it's not anymore...

  • MovitzMovitz Registered User regular
    I second that, buy him lunch or cook him dinner or something social so he won't have be alone and to show him you care. How he wants you handle the subject in the future will probably come up in discussions later on or he'll drop hints about it during dinner.

  • see317see317 Registered User regular
    I don't know if there's a custom or anything for this situation, but if you live close enough to visit, do that. Maybe take him out to dinner or something so he isn't sitting at home alone.
    Certainly give him a call if you can't visit, just to see how he's doing.
    Just something to show that he hasn't been forgotten.

  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited October 2012
    My gut instinct is to kind of ignore it. The thing is, my mother always wished her mother a happy anniversary after her father passed away, which I thought was a little weird... So...I dunno.

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  • DenadaDenada Registered User regular
    edited October 2012
    Based on my experiences, I would say:

    -Don't ignore it. It's not just any other day.
    -Make a point of being with your dad. Whatever he likes to do, do it with him.
    -Don't force it. If he wants to talk about it, then talk about it. If not, then don't. There are other days when you can talk about how you're feeling, but the anniversary is his day.
    -Tell him you love him.
    -If you have a larger family than just you and your dad, get the whole family together if you can.

    This should all be considered with the caveats that your dad's personality, what stage of grief he's in, and other factors will affect the best approach to take.

    In my family, my grandparents were married for more than 50 years before my grandpa died of cancer. Every year on their anniversary, the whole family (my parents, my brothers and I, eventually our wives, and eventually our kids) would get together and have dinner. We would talk about grandpa and how much we love and miss him if my grandma brought it up, but otherwise we would just be there with her and show her that she still has a family that loves her and that she's not alone.

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  • Chases Street DemonsChases Street Demons Registered User regular
    I'm in the same boat, parents reversed. I found it was a good thing to call and acknowledge it, but not to make a fuss out of it. He's definitely feeling alone, and some kind of connection would probably be a big help to him.

    "Sometimes things aren't complicated," I said. "You just have to be willing to accept the absolute corruption of everybody involved."

  • HorusHorus Los AngelesRegistered User regular
    Just be there for him without bringing it up.

    “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
    ― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
  • 3lwap03lwap0 Registered User regular
    edited October 2012
    Drez wrote: »
    I just wanted to see what people's thoughts are, or if there is some custom...

    My mother passed away last year. My parents were married for 32 years. Would have been 33 today. Should I...do anything for my father? Wish him a happy anniversary? Or just pretend it's like any other day? Not really sure what to do in this situation.

    My condolences on your loss.

    We all experience loss in our lives - but being with the ones we love helps us cope, especially when our grieving is brought forward on a significant anniversary.

    There isn't any custom that's universal - but being there for your dad is always a sound move. I wouldn't be so overt about it - it could be a phone call to check in on him, maybe go out to lunch. Don't feel the need to bring it up, or awkwardly address it, just enjoy your time with him on that day. Your presence may be all that's needed to help him out.

    3lwap0 on
  • iMattiMatt Registered User regular
    Denada wrote: »
    -Don't ignore it. It's not just any other day.
    -Make a point of being with your dad. Whatever he likes to do, do it with him.
    -Don't force it. If he wants to talk about it, then talk about it. If not, then don't. There are other days when you can talk about how you're feeling, but the anniversary is his day.
    -Tell him you love him.
    -If you have a larger family than just you and your dad, get the whole family together if you can.

    This right here! All of this! Do not ignore this day, that's a terrible way to make your day feel alone and that nobody cares about this!

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    His first anniversary after her death?

    Yeah, he's going to be pretty fucking sad.

    Just show up, spend some time with the old man. It can be like a second father's day. Give him lots of love.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    iMatt wrote: »
    Denada wrote: »
    -Don't ignore it. It's not just any other day.
    -Make a point of being with your dad. Whatever he likes to do, do it with him.
    -Don't force it. If he wants to talk about it, then talk about it. If not, then don't. There are other days when you can talk about how you're feeling, but the anniversary is his day.
    -Tell him you love him.
    -If you have a larger family than just you and your dad, get the whole family together if you can.

    This right here! All of this! Do not ignore this day, that's a terrible way to make your day feel alone and that nobody cares about this!

    No one said to ignore the dad. We just said don't call him up and say "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!".

  • iMattiMatt Registered User regular
    Esh wrote: »
    iMatt wrote: »
    Denada wrote: »
    -Don't ignore it. It's not just any other day.
    -Make a point of being with your dad. Whatever he likes to do, do it with him.
    -Don't force it. If he wants to talk about it, then talk about it. If not, then don't. There are other days when you can talk about how you're feeling, but the anniversary is his day.
    -Tell him you love him.
    -If you have a larger family than just you and your dad, get the whole family together if you can.

    This right here! All of this! Do not ignore this day, that's a terrible way to make your day feel alone and that nobody cares about this!

    No one said to ignore the dad. We just said don't call him up and say "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!".

    And I hadn't said anyone had! I said do not ignore this day.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    iMatt wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    iMatt wrote: »
    Denada wrote: »
    -Don't ignore it. It's not just any other day.
    -Make a point of being with your dad. Whatever he likes to do, do it with him.
    -Don't force it. If he wants to talk about it, then talk about it. If not, then don't. There are other days when you can talk about how you're feeling, but the anniversary is his day.
    -Tell him you love him.
    -If you have a larger family than just you and your dad, get the whole family together if you can.

    This right here! All of this! Do not ignore this day, that's a terrible way to make your day feel alone and that nobody cares about this!

    No one said to ignore the dad. We just said don't call him up and say "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!".

    And I hadn't said anyone had! I said do not ignore this day.

    And no one said that either.

  • EsseeEssee The pinkest of hair. Victoria, BCRegistered User regular
    Esh wrote: »
    iMatt wrote: »
    Esh wrote: »
    iMatt wrote: »
    Denada wrote: »
    -Don't ignore it. It's not just any other day.
    -Make a point of being with your dad. Whatever he likes to do, do it with him.
    -Don't force it. If he wants to talk about it, then talk about it. If not, then don't. There are other days when you can talk about how you're feeling, but the anniversary is his day.
    -Tell him you love him.
    -If you have a larger family than just you and your dad, get the whole family together if you can.

    This right here! All of this! Do not ignore this day, that's a terrible way to make your day feel alone and that nobody cares about this!

    No one said to ignore the dad. We just said don't call him up and say "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!".

    And I hadn't said anyone had! I said do not ignore this day.

    And no one said that either.

    Actually...
    Drez wrote: »
    My gut instinct is to kind of ignore it. The thing is, my mother always wished her mother a happy anniversary after her father passed away, which I thought was a little weird... So...I dunno.

    But he may not have been planning to literally do nothing with his dad on the day either, of course. Anyway, I agree with the general advice here. Hang out with him and don't bring it up unless he does. He should make it through okay.

  • GrimmyTOAGrimmyTOA Registered User regular
    Just jumping in to echo the idea that while you don't have to make a big heart-to-heart conversation out of it, you should make sure that he's not just sitting around alone tonight.

    Let him steer the conversation there if he wants.

  • WildEEPWildEEP Registered User regular
    Meatloaf.....and some beers.

    My mid-westerner heritage says that you always cover the basics during a crisis..and losing a husband, wife, or child is just an ongoing crisis.
    You make sure that
    1. Place to stay
    2. Lots to eat.
    3. Not alone except by choice.

    #1 is a given, but it means that the place is comfortable and easy to live in. Some cant stay in the same house because of the memories, some can't leave...
    #2 is a little crazy - we nervously feed people. Tons of food means no one has to cook, or worry about food, and you just feel better with a full stomach. Depression is going to happen...Depression and Hunger? Thats just sadistic.
    #3 echoing what alot of people said here, its about being there - if they want space to be alone..some people can't grieve openly..then as long as they know they can find you and that you'll be there. You always gotta throw out a feeler to remind them and knock on the shell once in awhile...but you also can't dogpile them in family members.

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