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How do I teach my SO to do the dishes without coming off as a jerk?
Calica
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
It's not willingness that's the problem. For one thing, we don't live together, so he does his own dishes all the time.
It's that he thinks that "washing dishes" means a cursory rinse, while using his hand to brush off any visible dirt. Soap is only used for stubborn food stains, like on pots and pans. There is always a translucent residue on plates, silverware, the bottoms of glasses, etc. I don't know if he doesn't notice, because he's always done it that way; or doesn't care. I am a little disgusted by this, but I don't know to broach the topic without making him feel stupid and/or nagged.
He is otherwise quite hygienic and competent at life. I think he just was never taught how to do dishes by hand, and doesn't realize he's doing it wrong. Advice would be much appreciated.
It's that he thinks that "washing dishes" means a cursory rinse, while using his hand to brush off any visible dirt. Soap is only used for stubborn food stains, like on pots and pans. There is always a translucent residue on plates, silverware, the bottoms of glasses, etc. I don't know if he doesn't notice, because he's always done it that way; or doesn't care. I am a little disgusted by this, but I don't know to broach the topic without making him feel stupid and/or nagged.
He is otherwise quite hygienic and competent at life. I think he just was never taught how to do dishes by hand, and doesn't realize he's doing it wrong. Advice would be much appreciated.
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This. If there's no dishwasher, just be like "you gotta use some force and soap or it isn't clean".
It's not a terribly big deal, so he shouldn't be offended.
Example, "Honey, you know what gets me going? A residue free dish. It's just a quirk of mine. And if you could make sure these babies shine, it would really help me out and you'd score some major boyfriend points."
Show him what you mean, if necessary, and hey, splash him with water or something. Anyway, a light and joking touch here should smooth it out just fine. If he's a decent chap about it, and you don't show disgust, he'll have no problem being a little more careful with his cleaning for you and no feelings will be hurt.
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I guess you could just show him a sink full of hot and soapy water as a way of conserving soap since it gets used for everything.
"Hey if you wash my dishes I'll blow you"
Dishes will be done in no time flat and if incorrectly done you can correct him and he'll do them over again. Do this routine for a couple of months and then all you'll need to say is "the dishpan is starting to get full" and blam clean dishes.
Its like pavlov's dog but for guys.
I have this issue with my room-mates all the time. I'd go with Raern's suggestion of just showing how you do dishes and stating that it's the way you just want them done (you can be honest with your subjective opinion that way). Avoid saying that he's wrong in how he washes, just say that you like it a certain way and that he'd be real cool if he did that.
but people are kinda weird. my last room-mate never just filled a sink and washed the dishes because he said it was a waste of water and soap. What he did do when washing dishes was run the tap and get a sponge and wash his dishes. I pointed out that he was wasting sooooo much water and he simply didn't believe it.
yeah what the fuck. being in a relationship is not about conditioning the other person!
I'm not saying its the only way, but it is an effective way.
I doubt oral sex will fix this.
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If it's just uncomfortable broaching the subject my recommendation would be to cook a big meal at his place one night. Something that involves several dishes, then do the dishes together. That way you can say " Oh, that's not going to get clean if you don't do this." and it's not such a big deal.
"When you wash dishes, always use hot soapy water on every single dish, even if it doesn't look dirty, because there is tons of hard-to-see dirt that ends up on plates".
Don't forget to presoak to help soften up anything thats dried on to the dishes.
people can be sensitive about things that make them feel like they are gross and it can cause defensiveness.
I would suggest the light and playful approach, for sure. If he's always relied on a dishwashing machine he probably has no idea that what he's doing isn't even approximating "clean."
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This is a technical issue. Guys are stereotypically OK with technical issues; they are not OK with 2 hours of indirect fencing and guessing games around the issue.
Just make sure you phrase it as being about the dishes, not about him so that it stays a technical issue.
Good: "Here's a way that these dishes can be washed better. Let me show you and I bet you'll be able to touch the difference."
- about the dishes, not him
- proposing a solution, not just complaining about a problem
- offering definite evidence of both the issue and the solution
- framing it as a "we will fix this together" rather than "you fucked it up"
- keeping the whole affair proportionate to the magnitude of the issue (it's just some dishes)
Now I have, actually, in reality dated someone who while I was living with him would get very angry if I rewashed his dishes or (gently) tried to point out that some weren't clean, so I know this can happen. He used a ton of soap, too, I have no idea how there was still crud on some of them. After a while I just started getting to the sink first. That relationship was pretty terrible for reasons unrelated to dishes though, and there really isn't any reason you should have to worry about a stable, non-abusive person getting upset about this, so I don't think you need to overthink it too much. :P
this is something that you should keep in mind.
to you, this is a big deal that you want to approach carefully
to him, assuming he is a normal mentally healthy male, this is the most insignificant thing ever and he'd be more annoyed if you wasted time trying to phrase it sensitively than if you said it in a jerk way.
That will solve the problem rapidly.
I don't think this will work with most guys.
Just be direct, show him, and explain why. Let him clean the dishes and don't offer to help clean what he has (in his mind) already cleaned as some sort of 'let me help you, but really I want to tell you' dance. That's annoying and pretty transparent.
If you're annoyed by someone offering to help you do your dishes so it's finished quicker because you're reading into it some dance other than "let's rewash your dirty fucking dishes", chances are you have less of a "guy mentality" than you think.
Also, "guy mentality" is stupid. Stop talking like that. He is a person. Talk to him like you would a motherfucking person. Motherfuck, it's DISHES people.
PEOPLE SOMETIMES.
IT'S DISHES.