Asking someone out.
Kyougu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
(God this is shameful)
Yeah, easy as the title says. I cannot, for the life of me, ask women out on a date. It's like I have a mental block or something.
What's even more frustrating to me is that I have little problem actually talking and being friends with women. I have plenty of good female friends that I hang out in a one on one basis. I run a Meetup group which means I'm constantly meeting new people and have no problem striking a conversation with them. It's just crossing that invisible line between someone I'm interested as a friend and someone I want to date that just freezes me.
It's always been a problem for me but it's really been bugging me lately. Met someone recently, seem to click really well. Hung out with her a couple of times, everyone around me tells me she seems to at least be interested. Yet I can't bring myself to ask her out. I keep waiting for a "perfect moment" to ask her, but I know that's just me putting things off.
I dunno what to do. How the heck do I get over this?
Yeah, easy as the title says. I cannot, for the life of me, ask women out on a date. It's like I have a mental block or something.
What's even more frustrating to me is that I have little problem actually talking and being friends with women. I have plenty of good female friends that I hang out in a one on one basis. I run a Meetup group which means I'm constantly meeting new people and have no problem striking a conversation with them. It's just crossing that invisible line between someone I'm interested as a friend and someone I want to date that just freezes me.
It's always been a problem for me but it's really been bugging me lately. Met someone recently, seem to click really well. Hung out with her a couple of times, everyone around me tells me she seems to at least be interested. Yet I can't bring myself to ask her out. I keep waiting for a "perfect moment" to ask her, but I know that's just me putting things off.
I dunno what to do. How the heck do I get over this?
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You seem better prepared to fix your issue however. If you have no problems getting to know people, and since your running these groups, you obviously are meeting people that WANT to meet other people, which would probably be the perfect situation for my problem, then find something in common with them and start inviting fewer people to those events, including the person your interested in. Like a movie night, or a game night. After a few small group events, then you can just do a single call, tell her your looking to do something but nobody else is interested tonight...if shes interested she will come, and give you confidence. Even if you dont, asking her over just by herself, shes obviously picking up the hint. Your putting it in her hands for the most part. Its the key to getting comfortable.
I rationalised to myself that the absolute worst that could happen is that she'd say that she's not interested in me in that way and it might be a bit awkward but we'd both get over it.
It's just a date, they'll say yes or no and life moves on.
In regards to the issue in general, I'd reccomend getting out and asking girls out that you don't have a lot invested in so there's not as much to lose, so to speak. I think once you've done this enough you'll get over the fear and be fine. Sure, you might be awkward the first couple times and it might be tough, but so is most everything if you haven't done it a lot.
And I feel your pain, I'm kind of the same way. If I'm not romantically interested in a girl, I'm fine (which is why all my platonic girlfriends can't believe I'm still single), but once I like someone I put my foot in my mouth. But this usually happens for a while when I first start dating again after getting out of a relationship. After a couple dates I get into the swing of things and am fine. I think this is probably more normal than you think too.
A moment of embarrassment or awkwardness is so much better than where you are at right now. Ask her out. It will likely go better than you expect. If you get shot down ... you need to experience that is only as "bad" as you make it.
Think of it like asking for a raise or interviewing for a new job. There's all kinds of anxious bullshit before you commit, but once you try it's not nearly as bad as you were making it out to be, and it can be really fun once you've moved past the activation hill.
There are plenty of people that asking someone out doesn't just 'naturally' happen. As 'simple' as it is, its not easy to a lot of people and I think telling him that if it hasn't happened naturally by this point that she probably doesn't like him is terrible advice and is likely to make his reticence to ask people out worse.
Fear of rejection is definetely a big part of it. I used to be overweight, low self confidence, the whole bit. I changed a lot in recent years and I'm pretty much confident in most aspect of my life EXCEPT this particular one.
The meetup thing itself is a double edge sword. I meet and hang out with a lot of people, but oftentimes it ends up sliding into the zone of friendship, where I'm comfortable and won't want to move away from. For example, with this girl I been getting to know, we hung out together, just the two of us a couple of times, have grabbed dinner etc. It's still clearly just a friendship, but now I realize if I want to ask her out I can't just say "Want to grab some coffee?" cause that's something we would normally do. I have to actually say "Hey' let's go out on a date"
That terrifies me.
That being said, you should definitely try to get over your fear for asking girls on dates in the first place because, like most everyone here has already said, the best that can happen is she says yes and you've landed yourself a date, and the worst is that you are back where you started. There's very little repercussion, even if it is a friend it is very unlikely she will stop being friends with you if she is not interested, you've just flattered her. I always like to think of it as their loss anyway if they say no (which it totally is).
PSN: rlinkmanl
relationships don't start with a formal agreement that you are now a couple and thus activities shall henceforth be known as dates. you're looking for something inauthentic and forced, which is why you're struggling
relationships start with a bit of intimacy, perhaps unexpected; a hand on the knee, a kiss on the lips after the usual hug and kiss goodbye.
the first step is to move yourself physically closer, more often, to the girl you fancy. if she's got the same ideas, it won't feel unnatural at all.
Worst case is she says she's not ready for something or already has a boyfriend or some other way to let you down easy. And maybe you feel blue for a little bit, mooning over what might have been, but you'll get over it (gym is good for that), and there's no reason you couldn't remain friends. Actually worst case is she says yes because she can't say no in that situation so the date gets continually rescheduled, in which case you step in and say "this is silly, let's just be friends so we can actually hang out".
If you want to ask her out, at the end of one of these friendly meets just say "I had a great time. By the way, I'm interested. If you're interested we should go out to dinner. You know, like 'a date' (use air quotes)". I've been on 3 formal dates in my life. Never with someone I've had a physical relationship with, and each time the date served to indicate that this wasn't going anywhere. I mean my wife and I have "date" nights but that's just "4 hours where we don't have to worry about the kids, and we can remember what it was like not being a parent" night.
Edit: And sorry for not saying it earlier, but there is nothing shameful about voicing this and asking for help/advice.
You can just say, "are you interested in being more than friends?" or something. As awkward as it might feel, I can practically guarantee that an awkward asking out will not be the reason she says no. I can also practically guarantee that an incredibly slick method of asking her out will not be the reason she says yes.
"Dating" isn't much different than what you're already doing, you just get to hold hands and make out and stuff.
If you're nice about it, don't put pressure on her, ask in a casual way...you should be fine. There is a chance she may not feel the same way, but asking her shouldn't make your friendship spontaneously combust, if she's a reasonable person at all.
Personally, I would not be a fan of a guy suddenly being overly physically forward. Small touches can be fine and can "send hints", but if that isn't something you feel comfortable doing, you shouldn't force yourself into it. Honestly, just saying something like "Hey, I really like hanging out with you. I was wondering if you'd be interested in going out on a date with me [for dinner, coffee, a movie, etc]" is simple, and gets the point across without fuss or complication. You might try asking her out on a date to a different kind of thing that you guys usually don't do, which might help, too.
"It is written that the priest Shungaku said, 'In just refusing to retreat from something one gains the strength of two men.' This is interesting. Something that is not done at that time and at that place will remain unfinished for a lifetime. At a time when it is difficult to complete matters with the strength of a single man, one will bring it to a conclusion with the strength of two. If on thinks about it later, he will be negligent all his life. 'Stamp quickly and pass through a wall of iron' is another interesting phrase."
tl;dr:
Just do it.
0431-6094-6446-7088
That is some horrible advice.
You don't need to ask her out, you already go out together. You need to tell her how you feel about those going outs.
I think you should just be like "So.." and she'll be like "So?" and you be like "I happen to fancy you".
Then you're going to have a conversation with her that none of us can predict and is based mainly on who you and her are.
Just start the ball rolling simply, you cant walk away once the ball is rolling.
Make eye contact. Smile. If she smiles back (in an interested looking way) maybe check out the booth or what not that she's at and strike up a conversation about the merchandise.
Smile, look at eyes (not breasts, no matter how astounding they may be; this is crucial) and say hello. Proceed to ask questions; if she has any interest back, she'll likely feed you some hints or at the least put forth a little effort to keep you talking. Pay attention to what she says. Once heard a co-worker lament she was bored and had nothing to do after work. Later that day asked her out, laughingly declaring that "I know you don't have anything to do! Don't even try to escape!". Shazam!
Saw her on Saturday when I picked her up since we were doing a night 5k together. Hung out with her, just the two of us, for the entire time. Then we grabbed something to eat and I dropped her off. The entire time I kept telling myself I was waiting for the perfect opportunity..so it never came.
Then yesterday we rock climbed with a group of other friends. This time I tell myself I'm going to finally do it, and actually am ready to do it. Our cars are parked closed to one another, so I plan to walk her to her car and then ask her then. So of course some guy who's been interested in (and she has turned down) follows us to her car. She gets in without me really being able to broach the subject. THEN she texts me telling me how the guy asked her out again and how she's already turned him down multiple times and is getting annoyed.
So yeah, my (lack of) love life could make a hilarious sitcom.
Act with gusto and take the response with dignity. If its no, don't harp on it.
Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Ask her out. Or don't. Ask someone else out. Ask ten people out. But seriously man, and I'm saying this because I'm right there with you... I've lost weight and look awesome and still feel like a worthless slug no one would ever want to be with... you've just gotta do it. Hell, I will do some kind of freaking challenge with you... by the end of the week we both ask out at least two people we've never met before. Or five. Or 5000. But nothing is gonna change unless it's us.
Or one shot or two of good Smirnoff Vodka.
And that moment may never come. You need to ask anyways.
Even rejection is better than the feeling you have right now.
Just advise her to tell that other guy the two of you are dating so he stops asking her out. Then start dating, you know, to keep the illusion up. Let her know he should give up around your 20, 25th wedding anniversary.
That, right there, was the best time to jump in and say something along the lines of "Oh, would you be that annoyed if I asked you out?" Corney, yes, but better than silence.
Oh, alcohol works, but don't get smashed if you decided to go that route.
Exactly. A lot of this stuff is just spontaneous. Unfortunately the longer you hang out with this girl without making any moves, the harder it will be to move from friends to something more. I'm not trying to perpetuate the "friend zone" thing, but there is some truth to it. At some point the window of opportunity becomes more and more narrow.
In short, you better bite the bullet and find a way to make her feel like you are interested in her in a non-platonic way pretty soon. Odds are she has no idea you feel this way about her, and you aren't doing her any favors by skirting around the issue.
I'm betting you're not the only one with that thought. However it can easily be that what she is trying to get across is that it's annoying when that guys does and that she would actually want our OP to ask her out. In fact I see the complaint as a possible way for our OP to start a conversation about dating, get a feel for the situation and then take it from there.
It's very hard to know without being in the situation, but this sounds very much like the "meeting halfway" thing I was talking about. OP, this could be incidental, but it could also be her deliberatley letting you know she is available. The question is, are you? I would say if you can't broach the subject next time you hang out, you aren't ready and need to spend some time growing your balls out.
And guess what...Once you ask her out, regardless of the answer, you will have leapt a major hurdle in the dating game and will feel much better about yourself afterwards if for nothing else than you know how to take that step now.
Well, I asked her out for dinner.
She let me down as gently as possible, and we're still good (no awkwardness), so yay. Truthfully I was already expecting as I wasn't getting any signs that she was interested in me as anything more than a friend, but I felt I just had to get it over with
I know I should feel relieved and realize asking out wasn't the big deal I thought it was, but instead I just feel defeated and like a failure (A large amount of recent non responses in OkCupid added to that) and partly think why even bother in the future. I just seem to have absolutely zero success with women when it comes to being anything more than friends, and got to thinking I may just be undatable.
I have enough cognizance to realize this isn't exactly healthy thinking, so maybe I should consider seeking professional help?
Just need to realize that she may not be interested and OkC isn't something I'd be using to compare as a string of no responses as that could be anything from inactivity, to other things.
Keep on doing what you're doing. If you meet someone you like at school, or at work, use the same line. I'd probably not have went straight for dinner though, that's more formal. Coffee or something that's super easy to bail on if it ends up not working is usually the go to. For "getting to know if I'm interested in taking this further" type of things.
It's natural for your confidence to take a hit when you get shut down. It's easy to say that it doesn't matter and just get back on the horse, cause the purpose is the journey, but when you're experiencing it that's when it looks like you're stuck in a shitty place. If you get stuck here for an extended amount of time I'd look for someone to talk to.
Anyways, how to get past this: don't think about it. OK, impossible. Instead fill your thoughts with things other than this. For some their course is to get out there and ask again, for some it's about redirecting you thoughts and activities to other things so you have time to put this to bed in your head.
It ain't a thing.
You really are better of knowing that this isn't going to happen than never knowing and wondering what if. It may not seem that way now, but from an external observer perspective it is.
Get off OKC, unless you are trying to play the field. I don't do OKC, but my understanding is there is some skill involved in crafting your profile and sending messages to get a good response rate, and this is more related to sensitivity, perceptiveness, tone, and wording than your profile pics. I think the average response rate (from a female to a male) is on the order of single digit percentages. If you want to participate there then there are online resources (no doubt an SE thread here) to help you out.