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Performance anxiety in bed
Richy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, performance anxiety in bed. I’ll be courageous and admit that I get it. Anyone else? How do you deal with it?
I’ve been in an exclusive relationship with a girl for the past five months. Sometimes sex works out amazingly well, but sometimes I get a stray negative thought on my upcoming performance that costs me my erection right before (or worse, while) we have sex. Usually I can give her oral for a few minutes to get it back up and finish. Last weekend was the worst so far, with this happening three out of four times we had sex, including one where she was doing an erotic show for me that I found really fun and exciting but failed to get me hard. It did get me hard for a bit actually, but then I thought “I should be way harder right now and really ready to do her” and that killed it instantly. Likewise, this morning while we were getting ready for it I suddenly thought “I hope I don’t get a repeat of yesterday” and boom, it was gone. In both cases I was able to get it back by going down on her and finish, but I hate that I lost it in the first place.
So what I’m hoping for here is some tricks people use to clear their minds or to get over these negative ideas, to be able to perform every time. How do you deal with sex-related stress?
I’ve been in an exclusive relationship with a girl for the past five months. Sometimes sex works out amazingly well, but sometimes I get a stray negative thought on my upcoming performance that costs me my erection right before (or worse, while) we have sex. Usually I can give her oral for a few minutes to get it back up and finish. Last weekend was the worst so far, with this happening three out of four times we had sex, including one where she was doing an erotic show for me that I found really fun and exciting but failed to get me hard. It did get me hard for a bit actually, but then I thought “I should be way harder right now and really ready to do her” and that killed it instantly. Likewise, this morning while we were getting ready for it I suddenly thought “I hope I don’t get a repeat of yesterday” and boom, it was gone. In both cases I was able to get it back by going down on her and finish, but I hate that I lost it in the first place.
So what I’m hoping for here is some tricks people use to clear their minds or to get over these negative ideas, to be able to perform every time. How do you deal with sex-related stress?
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What I'm trying to say is that there may be more to your situation than just performance anxiety.
3DS FC: 2148-8300-8608 WiiU: AgahnimD
I work out twice a week, which I know is not enough but it's all the time I can afford right now. I have a healthy balaced diet. I am not on any prescription medication. As for frequency, we usually have intercourse several times per weekend, but skipped the weekend before last.
3DS FC: 2148-8300-8608 WiiU: AgahnimD
Eventually I told her to back off, she's only making it worse. This wasn't a problem until she started pressuring me.
So, I don't know if you put this pressure on yourself, or if she's just demanding. But you gotta relax. Sex is supposed to be fun.
I probably put more pressure on myself. I'm very demanding of myself. I'm a perfectionist.
So in your case, what did you do to start relaxing and reverse the trend?
Non-sex related stress can be a possible issue.
From your description it sounds like you just need to stop having those negative thoughts - maybe you can try a distraction like playing some mood music or something? Just throwing ideas out
You can also talk to her about it. I can understand if you don't want to - but this might help a lot to get it off your chest
Yes, we talked about it. She also suffers performance anxiety, not sex-related but when she needs to do public speaking or anything like that, so she understands where I'm coming from. And she is very supportive to work on it and get over it.
I don't think it's much more than learning to cope that you can't be perfect all the time. Like not getting as hard as you wanted to. Nothing wrong with that. You're not broken. It happens sometimes randomly but you can't hold yourself back thinking it was your fault and then not being able to perform at all.
I told her to back off. And then we had sex a few times and I decided I didn't give a shit whether she got off or not. I was in it just for me. What can I say, I was bitter about all the teasing. After being selfish for a bit I was back to normal.
This kind of thing can be a slippery slope, and it did cause me some ED - it only happened with her ONCE, but we don't get to do it too often so it was a thing for me. Once it started happening when I was ALONE, I had to reevaluate.
For me it ended up being a major insecurity issue on my end. My self esteem was in the shitter, and I started going to therapy. I'm not saying you necessarily need to do the same, but something I've learned is that this kind of pressure comes from some pretty unreasonable places. Especially if you're eventually successfully getting each other off.
Avoid the word "should." It's dangerous and unforgiving and you'll only ever use it when you think you aren't good enough. Nobody ever says "I should be less hard than I am" or "I should have less money" or "I should be in bad shape." Nobody ever. Don't worry about if you're "hard enough". You're hard. Go with it. If you wanna get harder, work yourself a bit - if shes giving you a show, give her one back.
Let her know that you're pleased, regardless of if you lose it a bit now and again. Make sure she knows that it's not something she's doing. This might help alleviate her stress, which will help alleviate yours.
Watch less porn, if you can. Porn puts some mighty heavy expectations on a guy. The dicks are huge and the dudes are like machines. Thats how they got the job, after all. But you don't have to be a porn star. She doesn't want you to be. If she did, she'd be with a porn star. She wants you, being you, with your moves and your dick and your voice and face and lips and all the things we love about the person we're with.
I also try not to drink if I know I'll be doing the deed. Booze can make it difficult to keep it up, so avoid that until you're confident that you've made it past all this.
God speed, man. You totally got this.
Thinking like this will only lead to more performance anxiety. Just because you lose an erection doesn't mean you're turned off or she's turned off. Don't judge how turned on you are by the strength of your erection, but instead more of a mental state.
Exactly. People don't always realize that erections aren't an on/off mechanism. It's much more similar to how girls can be really turned on but not be super wet due to differences in hormonal cycles/stress levels/just kinda bein an off day. However, once the act really gets started, the hardness/wetness can improve because your body will realize OH SEX IS HAPPENING. Remembering this and letting your body just do its thing will help a lot.
"Whoa, she's so amazing! And she's putting on a show for me! I must be a pretty fucking awesome dude for her to do that! All right, time to show her how the sex is made by the expert sex maker guy, aww yeah!"
For really reals, it seems like you might be taking sex too seriously. Nobody has a 100% perfect record - we've all gone soft or failed to even get it up in the first place. But fuck it, laugh it off and try again - shit, your boner stopped working for a couple of minutes, you're not fucking dead!
Get in there son, and make her scream your name...
When I first started having sex with the girl I'm with right now, I had basically the identical problem you're having. She was super supportive about it, and basically told me to do exactly what Namrok did. Be completely selfish for a while. It certainly helped me build some confidence.