Friend is moving, scared of losing contact

Nechriah

One of my closest friends is moving interstate for work. She and I had a major falling out last year, and we've only recently started spending time together again. I'm still not sure where we’re at - we seem to be getting along fine now, but she still hasn't re-added me on Facebook. I'm scared that if she moves I'll lose her from my life completely, and I don’t think I could deal with that. She’s been such an important part of my life for so long, and I'm really not sure how I'll cope without her. I'm scared to talk to her about it too, because I think that would just make her angry and push her away at the moment. I feel like it would be fine if she and I weren't still awkward from our falling out, but right now I'm trying to be respectful and let her initiate text/email conversations and whatnot. That’s not a good foundation for keeping in contact when she moves.

I know I'm being selfish, and more than a little crazy about this. I should be happy for her, and on one level I truly am. I'm just so terrified of losing one of my best friends, especially since I suck at making new ones. I've been stressed and miserable about this for weeks now. I can’t sleep, I barely eat, and when I'm not managing to distract myself somehow, it’s all I can think about.

Honestly, I'm at a complete loss about what to do here, and I feel like the perspective of people outside of this situation could be a real help. Thanks in advance.

Esh

The surest way to push someone away is to dump all this on her, especially if you're at a point where you're just beginning to mend things. You should seek some professional help if this is crippling you this much.

Gafoto

You can try to keep in touch with your friend but ultimately it's a two-way street. I've moved a lot and I've kept in touch with some friends for over two decades and others I never talk to again as soon as I move away. It happens and you can't always control it.

Skeith

Ask her if she'd be willing to add you on Facebook since she's moving and that's a convenient way to keep in touch. It's that simple. Gonna agree with Esh, do *not* dump this all on her. Just one little question, and if she says no, well, you pretty much have to accept that.

Zombie Nirvana

I'll be a bit less immediately specific and give you another perspective that you probably don't want to hear right now. You will gain and lose many friends over the course of your life. Some due to proximity, some just due to how different life paths can diverge. Find out what makes you tick as a person and work on your own happiness so you can be more centered regardless of life's temporary circumstance. You'll make more friends when you aren't so anxious about losing one. And you might end up reconnecting with her later. You never really know how life goes. Mine has been so boring at times I couldn't stand it and so out of control I wasn't sure I'd survive the week. Life tends to go on.

ceres

To combine what everyone has said into some lump advice: If you put the pressure of your NEED to be her friend on her like this, she IS going to run for the hills. Do this: hit the "Add Friend" button on facebook. It's okay, that button isn't a marriage proposal. She will accept your request or not, but don't stare at it. Don't. Don't. Stop. I said stop. Okay just close your damn browser. Close it.

Now go get some help, and by help I mean therapy. Even in your situation, even reconnecting after a really bad fight, even having been BEST FRIENDS, even not having many other friends to speak of and even though she's leaving town soon, this is not normal behavior. It is obsessive and it's impairing your function on a long-term basis, and I promise you this isn't worth a break-down.

Also, pretty much everything Zombie Nirvana said.

Zombie Nirvana

Of course I don't have a Facebook account so I don't really know how that changes things. You kids and your technology. Out of sight, out of mind in my world.

lowGman31

Nechriah wrote: »

One of my closest friends is moving interstate for work. She and I had a major falling out last year, and we've only recently started spending time together again.

Seems like that says a LOT. You lost contact last year, then (this year) you re-connected. What happened in the in-between time-- Did you die? Obviously not. Did you lose her friendship forever? Again, no. But did you spend time dreaming up worst-case-scenario's that could possibly happen but (as of yet) have been nothing more than imagination running amok? It kinda sounds that way.

It sounds to me like you're looking for a quick-fix to this problem (I've been there many times myself!) but the reality of the situation is that it's gonna take time to adjust/evolve from this pain. As others have said, you absolutely DON'T wanna burden her w/ this type of needy/clingy behavior as that will only serve to push her away at this point. The absolute MOST IMPORTANT suggestion I can give you here is to focus on NOT beating yourself up & dreaming up possible negative outcomes. Please try to catch yourself everytime you're experiencing an emotional reaction to an imaginary situation. It's not easy but it's super-fucking-effective in terms of improving your personal well-being.

Zombie Nirvana wrote: »

I'll be a bit less immediately specific and give you another perspective that you probably don't want to hear right now. You will gain and lose many friends over the course of your life. Some due to proximity, some just due to how different life paths can diverge. Find out what makes you tick as a person and work on your own happiness so you can be more centered regardless of life's temporary circumstance. You'll make more friends when you aren't so anxious about losing one. And you might end up reconnecting with her later. You never really know how life goes. Mine has been so boring at times I couldn't stand it and so out of control I wasn't sure I'd survive the week. Life tends to go on.

^^ That's some great perspective right there!

Nechriah

lowGman31 wrote: »

You lost contact last year, then (this year) you re-connected. What happened in the in-between time-- Did you die? Obviously not. Did you lose her friendship forever? Again, no. But did you spend time dreaming up worst-case-scenario's that could possibly happen but (as of yet) have been nothing more than imagination running amok? It kinda sounds that way.

Now this is something that I hadn't thought of before. My friend and I have already managed to reconnect after a long period of not speaking, so what's to say we can't do it again? This thought has made feel me a little more hopeful about things.

I've sent her a friend request on Facebook, to which she hasn't responded yet...and yes, I have been checking far more than I should to see if she's accepted it :oops: I guess I'm anxious to know that we're okay, and I've convinced myself that her accepting that request would be a tangible sign that we are. So of course, I'm worried that her not accepting my request means that she doesn't want to be friends, when in reality it could mean any number of things.

Which brings me to the other piece of advice that's been given here: therapy. I haven't been able to see how badly this whole thing has been messing me up until people have pointed out "this is not healthy, get help". I've had therapy before (I have depression and fairly severe OCD), but it hasn't really helped...I've never found a therapist who I feel entirely comfortable with. That said, I'm going to start looking into it immediately. Some help's better than no help, and who's to say I won't find a therapist I actually work well with this time, right?

Thanks to everyone who posted, I feel a bit better now that I have a plan of action as opposed to sitting around stressing about things.

ceres

Therapy is a crappy process of shopping around till you find one you really click with. I think some people just luck into it on their first try, but it's not actually an easy thing to do.

Good for you for recognizing... everything you just publicly recognized. It's a big deal.