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Going fucking nuts (Xtreme breakup thread) [UPDATE: What now?]
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I wish I could find the Karnaugh map for love.2^<3Registered User regular
I wish I could find the Karnaugh map for love.2^<3Registered User regular
I guess this is the usual breakup thread about being blindsided after a long-term relationship with all the fixins you want. Only this time it's during final's week. And it's my first semester at grad school. And it's the school of my dreams. And this is a core course in my department that I'm not allowed to fail. And the final is worth almost half the grade in the class. And I have a project and a paper due on the same day. And regardless of the breakup, it would not be unlikely for me to fail. But, now I can't concentrate on anything else but this. All my plans for this much needed, much fantasized about break has revolved around her. I saved up money not doing things I want so that I can spend the break with her. She is also the only close friend that I have. My technical grad school is not a place where people tend to easily make close friends. She is the person I would talk to about something personal as this. I think I'm having some sort of panic attack.
Despite all this I was remarkably nice to her about it. I told her I don't resent her, and that shit like this happens. Or I fluctuated between that and telling her this is the worst timing ever. What the fuck is wrong with me? I never been so confused about how I feel. I've also taken Valium yesterday because of stress completely unrelated to this, so my mind is all wonky as is. So I am having a hard time even feeling sad or upset. I just feel mostly numb with bursts of unbearable anger, sadness to the verge of tears, and then just that horrible bereavement of a relationship you really, really loved. I don't know what to do, I don't think I can study like this.
We talked on the phone for a bit and it ended on the best note this sort of conversation can end on. She apologized for dropping the bomb on me now of all times, and I told her I don't resent her for falling for someone else (why did I do this???). But then I spent the next hour texting her just my stream of consciousness...nothing mean or aimed at berating her. Just processing my feelings out loud at her. This is crazy, but I literally have no one else I can talk to about this. Seriously, she is the only one I share personal things that happen in my life with. This is why it is so fucking painful. I looked forward to seeing her so bad. That was my light at the end of the tunnel of this horrible semester. I just don't know what one does in this situation? I don't have friends who will go drinking with me now. Everyone is neck deep in books while I'm bawling my eyes out in my room --- not studying for the exam!
What the fuck am I supposed to do about this? Are professors sympathetic to this sort of thing? I think it would be naive to pretend that it's not going to have any effect on my academic performance.
Despite all this I was remarkably nice to her about it. I told her I don't resent her, and that shit like this happens. Or I fluctuated between that and telling her this is the worst timing ever. What the fuck is wrong with me? I never been so confused about how I feel. I've also taken Valium yesterday because of stress completely unrelated to this, so my mind is all wonky as is. So I am having a hard time even feeling sad or upset. I just feel mostly numb with bursts of unbearable anger, sadness to the verge of tears, and then just that horrible bereavement of a relationship you really, really loved. I don't know what to do, I don't think I can study like this.
We talked on the phone for a bit and it ended on the best note this sort of conversation can end on. She apologized for dropping the bomb on me now of all times, and I told her I don't resent her for falling for someone else (why did I do this???). But then I spent the next hour texting her just my stream of consciousness...nothing mean or aimed at berating her. Just processing my feelings out loud at her. This is crazy, but I literally have no one else I can talk to about this. Seriously, she is the only one I share personal things that happen in my life with. This is why it is so fucking painful. I looked forward to seeing her so bad. That was my light at the end of the tunnel of this horrible semester. I just don't know what one does in this situation? I don't have friends who will go drinking with me now. Everyone is neck deep in books while I'm bawling my eyes out in my room --- not studying for the exam!
What the fuck am I supposed to do about this? Are professors sympathetic to this sort of thing? I think it would be naive to pretend that it's not going to have any effect on my academic performance.
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Edit: I feel like I was a little terse, so to elaborate: I don't know what the procedure at your school is like, but when I was finishing undergrad, I knew people in similar situations to you who were given some lenience by professors (extensions). The first step was always "go to your academic advisor".
As far as the rest, give it a few months and you'll eventually feel better. Find a friend to lean on, or at least a school counselor if they offer any. Go for a run and keep running till you collapse. It's only a temporary solution but you'll feel a bit better for a short time. Hit some punching bags, go for a drive, eat a pie, do whatever works for you.
If I were you I'd stop talking to your ex. It's probably just drawing this whole thing out for you. Write your thoughts down in a journal instead if you can't talk to anyone.
I'd agree that you should talk to an advisor and you'll have a more concrete idea of your options. And remind yourself that you'll feel better eventually because you definitely will. Don't sacrifice your career over what will be, in retrospect, an emotional speedbump.
And use this experience to make sure you keep a couple friends around when you get into your next relationship.
Yes, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do this. Talk to an academic advisor... or the instructors themselves if need be (Disclaimer: I don't know exactly how grad school works, which is why I mention both options). Do this even if you're 'sure' it won't work. There's a very good chance that they will be willing to work with you, and you'll probably feel better getting it off your chest anyway. You won't be the first person to freak out toward the end of a semester, and you won't be the last, so they should try to be accomodating to you. I'm sure your grades are really important to you, so if there's a chance you can get help, you should take it immediately. I don't have advice about the event itself at the moment, but I really want to stress that yeah, there should be somebody sympathetic to you at the school.
You need to try and concentrate on your studies and not let it affect your exams. If you speak to someone who already says 'Oh we'll give you more time or be more lenient' you're not doing yourself any favours because you won't have the motivation to give it your all.
I've been in this exact same situation in my third year of University, and studying for my finals actually helped to take my mind off it. I also started talking to other people on the course about the exams and realised I had a much bigger social group that I had previously taken for granted. I didn't speak to an advisor or anything but then I was just doing an English degree and I wasn't likely to fail or anything even if I did badly.
I don't mean to sound like a dick, but it just seems like it would be a hard time convincing a professor that you're having trouble because someone broke up with you. In the scales of emergencies, it sounds like it would rank very low.
Though obviously I realize that different people are going to take breakups different ways, I'm just wondering how open minded a teacher is going to be about that sort of thing.
I've known very smart, very hardworking people, who being through a breakup has caused their GPA to drop by a full point. It's a topic that is brought up by many other students I talked to. Could be more common in the sciences/engineering though, which tends to be more cutthroat. I think it's legitimate.
If it's a doctorate, talk to your adviser first, and get his/her feel on if you should discuss things with the instructor, or if your adviser is willing to be your advocate. If you're typically a well-peforming student, most times they have no problems letting you take an incomplete. Most doctoral programs are very aware that the performance of the students is highly highly dependent upon their mental well being, and should be supportive of this. Just don't turn this into a regular thing...
if a student came to me and said he was having trouble with a breakup i would probably not be super extra lenient, a little but it would depend, however if a student came to me and said they were dealing with some personal issues, i would porbably a lot more lenient
make sure you do it early though. more heads up time will show its not an oh shit i forgot to study freak out
I'm going to go with..."No" on this one.
What do you mean by "...regardless of the breakup, it would not be unlikely for me to fail."?
I mean it's a fucking tough test, and fail means a "C" in mine and most grad school parlance. 50% of the class failed last year. The median for the midterm was 30/100. Give me a break.
It's a research-oriented M.S./P.h.D program where I'm currently doing the M.S.
On the other front, my girlfriend apologized for her immaturity with the timing, and some other things. We agreed to talk to eachother again with a cooler head. Don't worry I don't have any plans on getting back together, even though she offerred to have a "break." I know this trap.
This is actually true. I've never heard of anyone failing out of a doctoral program, so your advisor is technically correct. You are, after all, an investment, and it is in the best interest of the program that they don't kick you out at every slight misstep. Of course it won't provide you with too much comfort, but looking at the long term would probably be a much more constructive thing to do.
Dial it back a notch. No one's attacking you.
There's no "immaturity" or "trap" here. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Bad timing or no. Don't turn her into a villain just because you can't handle the breakup.
you can easily fail out of a doctoral program, though once you pass your quals/get your masters, you are pretty set.
but yea grades mean jack. though if you want to do a more teaching orientated faculty position they may ask you for a transcript, but i would say that only happens maybe 1 out of 10
It's less a trap and more a temporary flotation device until finals are over. Granted, this is just my opinion based on the information presented.
OP, first, you are probably in shock right now, which is why you are feeling numb. I would try and break down what you need to do into the smallest increments possible and just focus on crossing those things off the list. You'll have time to be hurt and angry when finals are over. As everyone else as said, don't let this (admittedly painful) speed bump completely derail your life. No single other person is worth that.
Thanks Sentry, that's exactly how I interpreted what "break" means. I think it's totally brought on by guilt. By trap I mean it's just a device that will hurt me more in the long run. "Oh yes, there's still hope!" "oh no this flotation device has holes in it as well."
Yeah, that's what I'm going to try to do. My hours are just so messed up now. I couldn't fall asleep, then fell asleep at around 9:00 and work up at 1:00. My exam is at 1PM. I make constructive plans but I just break down crying like a stupid baby on regular intervals. The lack of sleep is not helping.
I suggest taking up a hobby once finals are over. Keep yourself busy with something you enjoy. Learn a new skill.
For now, just...nose to the grindstone.
Then again, you should also pass. If minimal contact will help keep you focused, maybe do that and THEN stop talking to her.
Breaks.. eh. I have mixed opinions. You made it sound like there was someone else... why bother with a break if she's going to end up with him anyway? Otherwise I think they CAN work out, but the odds aren't in your favor. :P
I've found that some professors are very understanding, and unless you have one that you think is particularly difficult it probably won't hurt just to say something. You don't have to present it as "be lenient with my paper/final," but put together some understanding-level questions for each professor, mention that you just had this messy breakup and you're having some trouble concentrating. Have a paper- or finals-related discussion to show that even though you're having a hard time, you're trying. Make them real attempts at getting help with something you're really having trouble putting together, no matter how high- or low-level. This will do a few things: 1) It will let them know that there is a problem but you're doing your best to focus, 2) It will get you talking to people, even if it's just about school, and 3) It may actually improve your paper or final to go in and discuss them further before the deadline or test day.
Anyway, now that I've made it into the fourth year of my PhD I just wanted to share a few things:
1. Coincidentally, just a few days ago some other grad students I'm friends with reminded me about an exam that I failed when I was in my first semester. And not only had I not thought about it in years, I could barely even remember it being something I was upset about even though people were reminding me about how I apparently cried for days. So I'd tell you I know how you feel but honestly I've totally forgotten how it feels and you'll probably also forget within a few weeks.
2. If you're not doing research yet, get on that because any kind of probation or warning can be forgiven by doing more research. (I should have finished my coursework a year and a half ago but instead I am up at 6:30am writing a term paper for a class that I never did any homework for and stopped going to class after the first 8 weeks, and did I mention this happened in fall of last year? But my advisor is cool with it because I was writing two conference papers at the time.)
3. Might be kinda late for this now, but for future reference: It doesn't matter if the reason is because your girlfriend broke up, your pet goldfish died, or whatever triggered the problem, if you are having an acute mental health problem, you absolutely should talk to someone. If you can't talk to a professor in your department, there should also be a Dean of Students, Dean of Graduate Studies, or some university-level person who is literally "on call" to deal with students who are having problems, especially during finals. The guy in your department is a good resource, but that's in addition to other resources you have outside the department so if that guy is not available or even if you just decide you don't want anyone in your department to know about your problem, that is always something available to you.
(also I should totally PM you later because now I'm curious who your advisor is)
Luckily my advisor is really happy with my research progress so that's really been helpful in navigating this situation. It's a bit more sensitive because it's my first semester, so I don't have a lot of clout in the deparment in general.
I'd just like to say, for all the notoriety we get for the school's higher suicide rates and being worked too hard, the faculty in my department is amazingly human. Everyone I had approached amazed me with their sympathy for my situation. While they did not offer me any real accommodations, I don't know what they would even do, they did espouse genuine empathy, which is more important to me than an extension on an exam. Pure Din, maybe we need a permanent grad student support group thread going
Now to mop up the rest I have to do for the semester and brace myself for post-breakup depression.
-Have a very satisfactory research progress.
-Have a very satisfactory presence in the academic community
-If your program has a teaching requirement, you show yourself to be a competent instructor.
-Don't do anything crazy/harmful/overboard.
The reason for talking to your advisor/department is not to get any sympathy points. It is to let them know what is going on in your life that could influence your performance, so that when you stumble and fall they'll know there's a reason and if necessary to extend a helping hand. In case you were curious, yes, your faculty does discuss every aspect of each graduate student to determine how you are doing. As you progress with your degree, your advisor will become your mentor in many many ways and will be the closest professional relationship you will develop. It is a mentor-mentee relationship, rather than a teacher-student relationship.
To paraphrase something I heard once: If the program likes you, they'll keep you around no matter what. If the program doesn't like you, they'll find any number of ways to make sure you don't stick around.
tl;dr - Don't freak out over one class. Sort out your personal life over winter break and hit spring semester running.
Good luck, OP. One day at a time, man.
If you were planning on going out of town before, still might not be a bad idea to take your mind off things.
Caveat: I apologize in advance if this post is a little rough. With no access to a computer, I'm typing this on my phone. Also, my mental state is hazy for reasons detailed below. I'm also not a native speaker, though this isn't usually an issue unless my brain is compromised.
Just when I thought things can't get any worse. So, first we have an email exchange that actually goes pretty well towards the end (I will go into it more later). I express my frustrations with the timing among other things. She recognizes it was shitty and apologizes. We end on a note that maybe we can just act like adults about this and move on.
I finish my final, submit various reports and tie loose ends for the end of semester. I feel pretty good about myself. Have a stuart smalley moment. I'm a young, smart, and attractive guy. I'm in the school I've always wanted to go to. My advisor likes me. I don't have problems finding someone else (not that I want or need that now). And I managed to get out of this breakup gracefully (survived the semester). Things are looking up, it's the beginning of break, and yes my plans were utterly ruined in an abrupt and violent way, but I'm free to do whatever I want. This is great in a way.
Then my friend from work invites me to a bar, not even knowing about the breakup; he just wanted to celebrate the end of a hard semester. Now here is something you need to know about me, and something that I slowly discovered about myself. I can't drink. But I don't mean it in a "haha I'm a lightweight sort of way." I have some adult-onset hardcore intolerance to alcohol. I don't know when it started, but since then on it's gotten increasingly worse. When I drink just a single beer, I can be hungover for days. Like really bad, I'm having a hard time typing this. Headache, diarrhea, can't think, and too depressed to leave the house. I know it's the booze because I start feeling like that after only one sip. Needless to say, my friends find it hilarious but it is absolutely true. I suffer from really adverse effects even from a tiny bit of alcohol, and should avoid it at all costs. I've refrained from drinking for more than a year and a half because of it. I only drank that night because I thought maybe the intolerance was because of something temporary that was going on in my body, and I felt if I were to make an exception, this would be the night. Nope, it's Monday night and I'm still hungover. I googled it and found there are some people with the same condition, but no official medical source.
So this ongoing incident is just taking the wind out of my already compromised sails, and took away any ability for me to pick myself up. I'm just a useless lump now, and this cute girl from work, who is usually flirty with me thinks I'm just being dramatic. Note, I'm not really interested pursuing anything with her, but theres no denying that it's nice to just get positive attention from an attractive girl after a breakup.
So now I have a war on two fronts. On one side I'm seriously ill and dont know what to do with myself. On the other side I'm dealing just with the shitty breakup depression. And the shittines of the breakup is finally starting to sink in. This was a cruel and unusual breakup. The more I think about it, the more awful it seems. You have to understand that we have a friendship that goes deeper and further back than our romantic relationship. We were kindred spirits through college and were intimately involved in eachothers dreams/goals. We were in the same department, and helped eachother get into great schools. Something typically unheard of from the school we went to. We lived together for two years, and when we went off to study in separate states we helped eachother move. This is a short summary of a very complex relationship with some very high highs, and some pretty low lows.
Skipping a history of four years, my gf, let's call her Ana, comes to visit me again before our first semesters start. This is after she helped move, and then flew back home. As a side note, when she was leaving we both couldn't stop crying. It was humiating because there were people sround us and it persisted our way back home (her on the plane, me on the bus). I felt this was a sign we cared for eachother. Then she comes to visit me again. At this point, she has no reason to visit other than to spend time with me. If she didn't want to come, she couldve easily come up with a legitimate excuse. Again, I felt this was a sign that she didn't just wait for us to move in order to break up.
When she's here we have some of the best time we had in a while. I was really sick at the time but we still managed to make the best of it. But I noticed something was wrong when she was being physically cold with me. When I asked her why she was suddenly like that, she said she didn't know, or that it was health-related. I started doing the math, and it didn't add up. At this point I had a very strong intuition that she was simply not attracted to me any more. So I asked her if that was the case, and that if we could do anything about it. She kept saying that she didn't know or being really vague. I told her I wasn't interested being in a relationship with someone who wasn't attracted to me, and I implored her not to think hard about this specifically because I did not want her to meet another guy and then suddenly discover her libido magically resolved itself. She assured me that wasn't going to happen. We talked about what we can do to make things better. The next night we had, according to her, great sex. I was relieved to see that not all was lost physically and that maybe it was just a weird lull (although I still had some doubts).
She left a few days after. Again we were really sad, but also happy because we did have, also according to her, a great time together.
Now the madness of the semester started. Everything they say abouy grad school is true. It has a wsy of taking over wvery aspect of your life. We always talked about how it would be easy to be in a lomg-distance relationship because we would be too busy for becoming interested in other people and only see eachother when we have actual time to enjoy ourselves.
Throughout the semester we hang out on Skype at least on the weekends, and chat/talk on the phone regularly. At first we're really good at maintaining the skype schedule but it gets harder as our semesters pick up. We revert to just mostly chatting online and on the phone in an ad-hoc way. When we talk, one of either two subjects come up: 1) How miserable our lives are; and 2) how much we look forward to being together. All of this is interleaved with the usual couple lovey-dovey nonesense.
We are also very supportive of eachother, although I mostly help her. Proof-reading papers, brainstorming ideas, trading advice, etc. We make concrete plans to get an internship in the same place. I have more leeway in this regard, so I talk to my advisor about interning near her school. I give up a ridiculously high-paying internship at this point so that we can plan on being in the summer together (dumbest mistake in my life).
Nothing in our attitudes have changed until at least the end of November. Making more concrete plans of meeting over break, Ana prompting to buy tickets sooner so they are cheap. Always talking about how miserable our semesters are and how we're excited about finally ganging out together. Always very warm and reassuring.
Come my birthday early december, I can vaguely sense something is wrong. You have to understand we're both super-busy at this point so this is going off a hunch I never really had the time to investigate. But I could sense she's being slightly less communicative, and all I get for my birthday is a half-hearted wish over text, not even a phone call. However, this can easily be ascribed to how busy we both were. Four days later, come final's week (see above), she wants to skype (after not doing so for at least a month), and we have the "conversation".
Now she's saying she wants to see other people. This is a topic we've discussed before (about a year ago), in the context of being in an open relationship. I've always said I'd be open to that as long as we were super-honest with eachother. But now she's saying she just wants to be friends and that since two weeks ago she started falling for another guy.
What the fuck happened here? This is exactly what I had asked her not to do to me. I gave her an "out" when she visited but she insisted on not taking it . And it was so freaking sudden, we were just talking about how excited we were about seeing eachother.
After that it was like I was dead to her. Every response I recieved from her was cold and overly former. I don't mean this in the sense thst she wasn't calling me honey-snookums anymore but she wasn't even talking to me casually like a friend. It's as if she was abducted by aliens and returned to earth in this cold bitch husk. This is the part that really fucking stings me. After all we've been through, and now it's like a complete fucking stranger to het. No emotion. Not giving a shit about how my srmester went. No remorse about the relationship or fucking my plans or acknowledging what I had sacrificed for her. Just as if I was a piece of gum she just scraped off her shoe. It is one of the cruelests things anyone has ever done to me. I'm truly and utterly shocked. What the hell is she doing? And what am I supposed to do with my anger/utter confusion from the situation? This is not just about breaking up, this is about being completely abandoned and ignored by who you thought wad your closest (and one of your only) freinds. I'm simply dumbfounded.
There are a lot of other painful details about this story that are simply too many to enumetate.
Seriously though, stop dwelling. It doesn't matter how many "outs" you give her; she doesn't HAVE to date you and she can decide that whenever she wants. Stop thinking that way. It's not productive. That whole big long history isn't worth much at the moment because all you need to know is that she doesn't want a relationship with you, and possibly not even a friendship, and you don't have to like it right now but you DO have to learn to be okay with it. You need to move on. You have the rest of break to pull yourself together, and then you will have grad school to work on again, and the life that will bring you. Work on new projects, make new friends, and focus on that.
I've been in a relationship where there was this wishy-washy talk of open relationships that weren't based on trust but more of a "I want to have my cake and eat it too" (basically she just wanted to have both a relationship with you and be able to fuck whomever). She probably just wanted to let you off gradually instead of all suddenly but then she realized she wanted out after she insisted on not taking the one you offered. It doesn't sound like she was being exactly malicious, mostly just self-centered. Regardless, you really need to cut off contact for a while so you can stop thinking about it and heal. Otherwise you're just going to wallow in self-pity and anger when you could be doing better things with your life.
And yeah don't worry about the alcohol thing; you can just order soda or water whenever you go to the bar.
Regarding the girl: Sorry. You're probably gonna analyze it all about a billion times. You'll have the same thoughts over and over again. Eventually it'll stop. In a long while. Just put some space between you and her.