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Clingy/Controlling girlfriend
Paper Monitor
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Like the title says, I have a clingy and controlling girlfriend.
The clingy part is mainly that I am almost always in contact with her. At work, at school, at home, always. We usually see each other from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning each week, and that entire time is spent with each other, unless I am at work, in which case she is texting me. When we are together, I have to cater to her, because if I do something that doesn't interest her, like watch a show that she doesn't like, she gets bored and starts demanding I take her somewhere to entertain her. I love her, but after all this time together, I always want some time alone, but I can't get it. If she wants to talk or see me, I have to respond or drive to her house without complaint, or she gets upset and argues with me for hours about how it doesn't feel like I love her. She personally doesn't like to be alone, so she thinks it is weird and shady that I want to ever be alone or not talk. Right now, we are having a big fight because she wanted me to come and see her after I got off work, but I wanted to go and get her tomorrow when I wake up. We have been fighting about it for about two and a half hours at this point.
The controlling part is pretty much all female related. I have had to delete every single female from my Facebook and my phone, unless they are a relative, or one of her friends. At first, it was just girls that I had crushes on in the past, or had done anything physical with. Then it became girls that she thought were too attractive. Then it was just every girl. Some of the people I had to delete, I had been friends with for over a decade, and she will still get angry at the very mention of other's names. She has told me I am never allowed to make new female friends, or hang out with any of my male friends if there are women present, unless she is there. She will be upset with me if thinks a cashier flirted with me. I am not allowed to watch porn. And I am not supposed to speak with any female unless strictly necessary, even to the point where I'm supposed to ask my professors to put me in different groups for group work if my group contains a girl. Speaking to girls in the WoW guild she had me join is also banned, as is talking to a girl on any forum. She doesn't like me watching shows that feature women that she thinks I find attractive, but I am allowed to watch those as long as she is not present.
I really do love her, and I am normally happy with her. We're both in our mid twenties, this is my first relationship, she has had several before me. I realize this looks really bad written out like this, but I don't want to break up with her. When we are actually together and she isn't upset, I really love being with her. I just wish there was some way to like...get her to understand where I am coming from on the personal space issue, and maybe get her to understand that I can talk to a girl without having sex with her. Any suggestions?
The clingy part is mainly that I am almost always in contact with her. At work, at school, at home, always. We usually see each other from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning each week, and that entire time is spent with each other, unless I am at work, in which case she is texting me. When we are together, I have to cater to her, because if I do something that doesn't interest her, like watch a show that she doesn't like, she gets bored and starts demanding I take her somewhere to entertain her. I love her, but after all this time together, I always want some time alone, but I can't get it. If she wants to talk or see me, I have to respond or drive to her house without complaint, or she gets upset and argues with me for hours about how it doesn't feel like I love her. She personally doesn't like to be alone, so she thinks it is weird and shady that I want to ever be alone or not talk. Right now, we are having a big fight because she wanted me to come and see her after I got off work, but I wanted to go and get her tomorrow when I wake up. We have been fighting about it for about two and a half hours at this point.
The controlling part is pretty much all female related. I have had to delete every single female from my Facebook and my phone, unless they are a relative, or one of her friends. At first, it was just girls that I had crushes on in the past, or had done anything physical with. Then it became girls that she thought were too attractive. Then it was just every girl. Some of the people I had to delete, I had been friends with for over a decade, and she will still get angry at the very mention of other's names. She has told me I am never allowed to make new female friends, or hang out with any of my male friends if there are women present, unless she is there. She will be upset with me if thinks a cashier flirted with me. I am not allowed to watch porn. And I am not supposed to speak with any female unless strictly necessary, even to the point where I'm supposed to ask my professors to put me in different groups for group work if my group contains a girl. Speaking to girls in the WoW guild she had me join is also banned, as is talking to a girl on any forum. She doesn't like me watching shows that feature women that she thinks I find attractive, but I am allowed to watch those as long as she is not present.
I really do love her, and I am normally happy with her. We're both in our mid twenties, this is my first relationship, she has had several before me. I realize this looks really bad written out like this, but I don't want to break up with her. When we are actually together and she isn't upset, I really love being with her. I just wish there was some way to like...get her to understand where I am coming from on the personal space issue, and maybe get her to understand that I can talk to a girl without having sex with her. Any suggestions?
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Listen, I know H/A can be very dump-them friendly, and I know it's not what you want to hear, but my knee-jerk reaction is that you need to get out of this relationship. It's not healthy.
A number of us have been there and can tell you that the best thing you can do is find someone who likes you regardless of how many women you're friends with.
But you need to set some boundaries. You need to communicate these things to her. You can't dictate what is going to be acceptable to her in a relationship, but you CAN dictate what is going to be acceptable to you. What is your breaking point? Are you there? You should get a feel for that, and then once you've done that you need to communicate it.
If you need a little space, you need to say "I need X amount of time to myself or I just can't function." She can think it's weird all she wants, but it's what you need. If she won't hear you out and can't respect that on any level... you have problems.
If you want female friends, there is no reason you can't say "I need to be able to choose my own friends without you giving me a hard time about it." She can think it's weird all she wants, but it's important to you (and it sounds like she's getting weirder about this every day). She needs to hear it and respect it, and if she can't then you have big problems; this one is really going nowhere you want to be, just trust.. all of us on that. She does not trust you even after all this time even to watch TV, and that is rotten.
If in the end she will not hear you without getting defensive or angry or fighting with you, you need to think about getting out because this is a compatibility issue and will affect your long-term happiness. There are people out there who don't mind very clingy, and also people who don't mind having their friends dictated to them. She should be with one of them, and you probably deserve to be with someone who will not harangue you about a cashier. But you need to start by communicating that this is serious, and she needs to hear you out. If that can't happen and you won't break up with her you are in for a lifetime of stress.