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You Americans need an education!
Bob The Monkey
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Seeing as us European types all know that every single American is a fat, uneducated idiot (without exception, nuh uh, none at all) I have decided it is necessary to fill you guys in on some important historical, cultural and sociological facts. First of all, the historical significance of the teabag, cornerstone of British culture and key symbol of our strength as an imperialist superpower.
So without further ado, I present:
The Teabag
An educational lesson by Robert T. Simian
The teabag dates back to the year 1538, when narcotics
smugglers discovered an infallible method of transporting
their wares overseas. Smuggler and intellectual Radcliff
Lemone realised that by stuffing his wares into the dried
scrotums of large animals, he could claim to be exporting
delicacies to distant eastern Europe, a cover story which
pandered to the xenophobia of 16th century British society.
The addition of the tea leaf to the inventories of
contrabandists occured in the early 1700s. A high profile
Irish chemist, Baileys O'Chug, conducted research which
proved beyond doubt the fatal effects of tea on the
brunette population. Tea was immediately rendered a class-A
drug, along with cocaine, heroin, butter and LSD.
Tea remained the most smuggled substance in Europe until
1752, the year in which Baileys O'Chug first gained
sobriety. Looking on his research with sober eyes, he
immediately established inconsistancies between the
foundations of his claims and accepted fact (One such error
in O'Chug's work was his description of poison ivy as "the
contraception God gave us": a blunder which not only lead
to an outbreak of genital rash in the fundamentalist
Catholic community, but also to a great number of unwanted
and miscoloured babies) Discovering the error of O'Chug's
claims, tea was immediately declassified, rendering its
smuggling unnecessary.
However, in spite of this change in the law, which should
have rendered the teabag useless, it continued to bear
significance: the British Aristocracy, who still held a
position of cultural authority, had developed a taste for
the scrotally-tainted tealeaves, and chose to continue
using the teabag when brewing tea for this reason. While
the animal-scotum bags were eventually phased out following
sustained attacks from the RSPCA (who questioned its
fairness to the involved animals) and the International
Alliance of Psychiatrists (who questioned its sanity),
eventually replaced with the synthetic pouches favoured in
the present day.
consider yourselves taught, with further teachings to follow
So without further ado, I present:
The Teabag
An educational lesson by Robert T. Simian
The teabag dates back to the year 1538, when narcotics
smugglers discovered an infallible method of transporting
their wares overseas. Smuggler and intellectual Radcliff
Lemone realised that by stuffing his wares into the dried
scrotums of large animals, he could claim to be exporting
delicacies to distant eastern Europe, a cover story which
pandered to the xenophobia of 16th century British society.
The addition of the tea leaf to the inventories of
contrabandists occured in the early 1700s. A high profile
Irish chemist, Baileys O'Chug, conducted research which
proved beyond doubt the fatal effects of tea on the
brunette population. Tea was immediately rendered a class-A
drug, along with cocaine, heroin, butter and LSD.
Tea remained the most smuggled substance in Europe until
1752, the year in which Baileys O'Chug first gained
sobriety. Looking on his research with sober eyes, he
immediately established inconsistancies between the
foundations of his claims and accepted fact (One such error
in O'Chug's work was his description of poison ivy as "the
contraception God gave us": a blunder which not only lead
to an outbreak of genital rash in the fundamentalist
Catholic community, but also to a great number of unwanted
and miscoloured babies) Discovering the error of O'Chug's
claims, tea was immediately declassified, rendering its
smuggling unnecessary.
However, in spite of this change in the law, which should
have rendered the teabag useless, it continued to bear
significance: the British Aristocracy, who still held a
position of cultural authority, had developed a taste for
the scrotally-tainted tealeaves, and chose to continue
using the teabag when brewing tea for this reason. While
the animal-scotum bags were eventually phased out following
sustained attacks from the RSPCA (who questioned its
fairness to the involved animals) and the International
Alliance of Psychiatrists (who questioned its sanity),
eventually replaced with the synthetic pouches favoured in
the present day.
consider yourselves taught, with further teachings to follow
Bob The Monkey on
0
Posts
Bob, no one's gonna read that.
'Cept maybe Nucsh. Fucker loves tea.
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your country's ignorance rears its ugly head!
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Specifically mint tea.
Does this make me a homosexual?
somebody give me the jist.
Ha ha! You assumed I was American!
Although really, Canada is pretty damn close.
In it the East India Company won control of India.
Various other things append but I do not feel like discussing them.
no the cock in your arse makes you a homosexual..
for the record i cant stand tea, and Earl Grey has a statue in my town centre
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I tried lemon tea but it is not good without lots of sugar (I blame the consumption of hot Ice Tea for this).
Chocolate tea is also very not tasty.
Green tea is ok but i've only had it without anything. Bitter, that.
i love crumpets covered in butter can jam. cricket i could do without, anyway im from the north of england and cricket is more southern posh peoples game.
what do you call the...
those little cucumber sandwiches?
- Cucumber sandwiches.
- You Brits got a name
for everything, huh?
Duh, everybody knows that
You're going to die.
Druhim, that's syphilis.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
thats not really much of a loss, plus theyve been in spain for the best part of 4 years anyways.
Is he in the jungle?
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Send me your Sophie Ellis Bextor
Also, take back your Beckhams
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Note to self: Don't have sex with found cake.
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!