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Ignorant about relationships and thus my future
Kryhs
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I really don't even know how to structure this post, so I apologize if it's all over the place or just hard to read in general.
I'm 28. I've only been in one real relationship, my current one. That's largely been by choice. I'm anti-social, in general I don't like people, I'm content with my own company, etc. Well, I think this relationship is over, and it has been for a while.
My girlfriend is six months older than I am, and we've been dating for about two and a half years. I'd guess that we get along like most people: we're usually great, but we have our fights. I won't go into detail about how we like similar foods or media or whatever, as that's sort of a given.
The biggest problem, to me, is that we just sort of exist together. She loves to explore (paleontologist) and see things, but she puts for ZERO effort to organize traveling for herself, and that bleeds into our daily life too. *I* have to decide when we do things. *I* have to decide what's for dinner and then *I* have to drive us there. Anywhere.
During the beginning of the relationship I had to hear so many comparisons about me and her old friends, and this may be unacceptable, but I don't give a shit what other people did. I am me and I am not them. The reason I drive her everywhere is because she says SHE used to shuttle everyone around everywhere, as if I should give a shit about that... Anyway, like I said that's in the past, but here we are years later and I STILL have to drive her around, unless she goes somewhere on her own, alone. Very small issue/point, but it's telling.
We don't split the rent evenly. When we first started living together she was on hard times and I was already living alone, so she more or less moved in with me. I had no problem with this. Fast forward to her getting a job that pays, literally, exactly the same as what I get paid and I feel like it's time to bring up splitting the rent. She. Goes. FUCKSHIT. It was easily the most pathetic thing I've personally seen a human do. How dare I ask her to split the rent when I said I would cover it all (the conversation was that I'd cover it until she had a decent job).
Now, this is a girl who has zero debt. I hesitate to say she "grew up rich," but her parents were loaded. They're great people and they didn't spoil her like a typical rich kid would have been, but regardless her home life was easy growing up. I, on the other hand, made my mistakes, came from a very low/middle class farm and have quite a bit of debt. Anyway, back to splitting the rent. She called her parents to bitch and her dad absolutely sided with me, which changed my girlfriend's mind, magically. However, we settled on her giving me $300 a month. Rent is $635 and that includes zero utilities, so she isn't even paying half. This is my fault as I settled, though it shouldn't have come to that. That was over a year ago.
I don't take situations or decisions like this lightly. I care about her a great deal but I'm definitely not in love with her anymore. I would love to be friends because for every negative point I listed in this post she has ten wonderful traits. We just aren't good for each other.
Like I mentioned this is the first real relationship I've had, and I'm completely, wholly lost. It doesn't really bother me that we live together. My life would be mostly the same either way, but living with her keeps us both from moving on. Any advice? Any other information needed? I'm sorry this ended up being so long.
I'm 28. I've only been in one real relationship, my current one. That's largely been by choice. I'm anti-social, in general I don't like people, I'm content with my own company, etc. Well, I think this relationship is over, and it has been for a while.
My girlfriend is six months older than I am, and we've been dating for about two and a half years. I'd guess that we get along like most people: we're usually great, but we have our fights. I won't go into detail about how we like similar foods or media or whatever, as that's sort of a given.
The biggest problem, to me, is that we just sort of exist together. She loves to explore (paleontologist) and see things, but she puts for ZERO effort to organize traveling for herself, and that bleeds into our daily life too. *I* have to decide when we do things. *I* have to decide what's for dinner and then *I* have to drive us there. Anywhere.
During the beginning of the relationship I had to hear so many comparisons about me and her old friends, and this may be unacceptable, but I don't give a shit what other people did. I am me and I am not them. The reason I drive her everywhere is because she says SHE used to shuttle everyone around everywhere, as if I should give a shit about that... Anyway, like I said that's in the past, but here we are years later and I STILL have to drive her around, unless she goes somewhere on her own, alone. Very small issue/point, but it's telling.
We don't split the rent evenly. When we first started living together she was on hard times and I was already living alone, so she more or less moved in with me. I had no problem with this. Fast forward to her getting a job that pays, literally, exactly the same as what I get paid and I feel like it's time to bring up splitting the rent. She. Goes. FUCKSHIT. It was easily the most pathetic thing I've personally seen a human do. How dare I ask her to split the rent when I said I would cover it all (the conversation was that I'd cover it until she had a decent job).
Now, this is a girl who has zero debt. I hesitate to say she "grew up rich," but her parents were loaded. They're great people and they didn't spoil her like a typical rich kid would have been, but regardless her home life was easy growing up. I, on the other hand, made my mistakes, came from a very low/middle class farm and have quite a bit of debt. Anyway, back to splitting the rent. She called her parents to bitch and her dad absolutely sided with me, which changed my girlfriend's mind, magically. However, we settled on her giving me $300 a month. Rent is $635 and that includes zero utilities, so she isn't even paying half. This is my fault as I settled, though it shouldn't have come to that. That was over a year ago.
I don't take situations or decisions like this lightly. I care about her a great deal but I'm definitely not in love with her anymore. I would love to be friends because for every negative point I listed in this post she has ten wonderful traits. We just aren't good for each other.
Like I mentioned this is the first real relationship I've had, and I'm completely, wholly lost. It doesn't really bother me that we live together. My life would be mostly the same either way, but living with her keeps us both from moving on. Any advice? Any other information needed? I'm sorry this ended up being so long.
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I care about her a lot, like I would someone in my family, but I don't want to see her daily (also like my family...).
About a year ago we almost broke up. We had a bigger fight and she almost left, but we were both unsure of our feelings then and we "worked things out." The problem is if she left then I almost definitely would have never heard from her again, and that hurts to think about.
The problem with that is you're being completely unfair to her. Both of you deserve to be in relationships between two (or possibly more) people that love each other. Breakups are going to hurt regardless of what happens. Sometimes you can have a good relationship with an ex, sometimes you can't, but it's unfair to keep a relationship going because it's just going to end in even greater disaster later with both of you being considerably unhappy.
This is normal human feelings. Everyone feels this way about breakups.
She definitely doesn't love me anymore either :P. We get along just fine and it's not like I'm leading her on, or vice versa. We haven't had any problems for a few months now so now it just looks like I'm stirring the pot or something. Regardless, I wouldn't say anything to her before Christmas as that's just shitty, but then THAT just sounds like I'm stalling.
I have to agree breaking up a week before Christmas is kind of shitty, but at least over Christmas she can (i'm assuming) be around her family and friends for support.
Be honest with her, tell her you like her as a friend but you aren't in love with each other, and don't see the relationship going anywhere. As much as you enjoy each other's company, it's time that you both move on.
Yeah, it's going to suck. Breaking up always sucks but you'll either end up here anyway, or just end up hurting each other more down the line when things do come to a head. Wouldn't you rather have an amicable break-up and agree to be friends (even if you don't really keep in touch) than have a massive fight and never hear from each other again and have her resent you?
Are you two actually communicating? It sounds like when you say you're just "existing" that you just have a routine. She may not see it as a big deal. She may also not be aware of how much of a big deal these issues are to you. Currently, they're that she prefers when you drive, and that she is weird about money. It sounds, in many ways, that she's expecting a more "traditional" relationship where the man pays bills, determines events/activities, and drives/organizes travel. I have friends who have parents like that, and some of them will say things like "My aunt and uncle are kind of weird, she doesn't ever drive, not even by herself, so if she wants to go somewhere she needs to be dropped off by my uncle. But in a way that's kind of sweet, too."
I mean, I'd love having a taxi service built into my relationship, and not have to make decisions about my life and also keep all my money for fun expenses. I personally know that's not realistic, though, and one of the first things I've done for all of my successful relationships is be up front about money things whenever they're presented.
On one hand, it sounds like you're primarily venting about this, and you still seem to care pretty deeply about her. If you don't love her any more, then that's that, but if you're upset because you ALWAYS drive and split expenses are ALWAYS a fight, that seems more like a conversation you two can move past and discuss. If you can't bring it up, then that's something you need to work on. If it's something she can't discuss, then you're likely justified in breaking up with her.
Yeah, just sit down and do it. There will be some angst, but in the end you'll both be much better off for it. Better to do that than stall it out and have something come up that really drives a spike in there. There's nothing wrong with growing apart and then ending something that doesn't exist anymore.
Yeah I'm a bad writer. Routine is a good word. We go about our days the same way. We're pleasant to each other, we go out, things like that.
I'm not venting. I waited to post this thread specifically when I wasn't unhappy. Her and I have been fine for a few months now, with the occasional hiccup.
Now to figure out how the whole breakup process works =/
You are way overthinking this.
I'm wondering what you think a relationship is supposed to be like after 2 1/2 years. You've been together a long time and living with her a long time, and those things are going to mean that you have a routine. You are probably not going to exist entirely in that new-relationship happy place. Everything you've said sounds pretty normal for a nice relationship where maybe there isn't quite enough communication, but that is fixable.
If you feel like you really have to break up in order to be happy with your life then that's what you should do, relationships end all the time and people move on. But it really doesn't sound like this one has to, or even as though you're that unhappy... just bored.
There isn't really a breakup procedure to follow. You end it as kindly and definitively as possible, and then move on from there.
I don't plan to rush in and simply break up. I want to have a conversation first, about our individual futures, where we are now, and where she wants to be.
While I agree this is a good point in your relationship to stop and think, I would say right now things can still swing either way.
I would say the main problem with the entire relationship is me. My cynicism leads to a bad attitude a lot of the time. I'm not mean to her or anything, but I'm sure she hates it all the same.
Now I'm just rambling and adding the random "shit I did wrong" to the list...
I've been pretty depressed off and on over the last year too. I get sad and then my chest feels heavy when I think about how I've disappointed her and how I'm disappointed we weren't better together, but then I also think about the future and realize that almost nothing I do today will even be relevant in ten years.
God damn I'm so bad at writing...
As far as breaking up goes, my advice would be to have a conversation with your girl about how the relationship isn't really making you happy anymore. There's probably things the two of you can do to save the relationship, if that's in the cards at all.
Believe it or not many couples do not evenly share the bills. Some girls are reticent about what kind of activities they really want to do or where they want to have dinner and prefer to leave it up to the guy for whatever reason. These are things that happen. She's not doing it to spite you, I suspect.
The only part that sticks out to me is that she threw a tantrum and called her parents over rent. That right there is a red flag. She's incapable of having adult conversations about finances without freaking out.
So all I have to say is if you break up with her make sure it's not because you've been so inconvenienced as to have total control over your recreational activities as a couple.
It doesn't sound like either one of you have a particularly sunny attitude, on the surface it sounds like you are incompatible and should probably split.
we also talk about other random shit and clown upon each other
You are probably not part of her future in any major way if you do not want a relationship with her any more. You can be her friend, and you can be a level of support, but her future is NOT your business anymore. I know you care about her, but she needs to be the one defining her future on her own terms, not on yours.
I specifically need to reply to this post, I feel.
I only listed a handful of general details. I can go into plenty of reasons to not like her, and plenty of reasons to not like me.
I'm specifically talking about rent. We share the house. We share the water. We share the gas. We share the electricity. There is ZERO reason to not split these evenly. When it comes to food we buy our own. That's never been an issue.
There's no problem with my recreation. I can always game whenever I want (or do whatever else) and it isn't a problem. She frequently goes over to a mutual friends place with a handful of our other friends, and I have never gone. Social situations aren't my thing. "Me time" is something I'm not in short supply of. Our issues are with the way we interact at times and life goals.
Edit: Her attitude is generally fine. It's what I would consider normal. I'm the one with the bad attitude. I don't project; it's really mostly internal dialogue, but I know it makes me seem angry all the time too.
Warning: I am a former Marine. This might be a bit...harsh.
1. She does not love you. You are convienient and taking care of all the things she dislikes doing.
2. Her parents are not paying her way anymore for a reason. I think you have a good understanding of that reason now.
3. You seem like a stand up guy. You have a few hangups...we all do. You may be a bit too nice. Not a fatal flaw.
4. This thing? Its over. You know it but its crazy uncomfortable to get out of. Its not going to get easier at any point.
5. My stomach tells me she is going to lose it when its over. Secure your expensive/prized possessions. If you can plan to move out.
6. You said "I care about her deeply...but i don't love her" someone mentioned it above me too. This is telling. I don't mean to be a big jerk but she doesn't seem to feel the same way about you. Your feelings and loyalty are being taken advantage of.
On to your real questions....Hope and Relationships and all that...
1. She is not what you are looking for. But remember her....avoid it next time.
2a. Your best bet to find someone you like is to be single and to be doing what you love to do. You will most likely meet people that share your interests.
2b. The subtext of that is....Don't go do some random thing you hate to "meet people"
3. Being alone might seem bad. Its depressing. I ate many a dinner alone more times than I want to count. Its not a death sentence.
Lastly I know you said you are anti-social. I don't believe this at all. Humans are not anti-social. You may be an introvert. There is nothing wrong with that. You require alone time to collect your thoughts and recharge. You don't need to be a social butterfly to be considered social. After you get clear of this situation do yourself a favor. Focus on yourself and the direction you are going in. Success, optimism, and drive to achieve are powerful things that attract the right kinds of friends. Friends and tight social circles will ensure you are meeting the right people. Social groups (even small ones that meet once in a while) are what will lead you to a happy relationship. They can help you meet people who they already know bypassing the worst of the dating scene. Friends also can be a good sounding board for when you run into perhaps another not-so-right significant other.
You are dating woman so I am going to assume you are just looking for women. Many women are acutely aware of the circle of friends in a potential romantic interest they have. She wants to know you can be friends with someone. Than you can maintain a relationship. This is part of a healthy security system. No one should ever date anyone who has no friends, or seems to have no friends.
I wish you well. I hope you find what you are looking for. Don't spend anymore time with people who value you less than you value them.
First, thank you, if any of my responses sound harsh in kind I don't mean anything by it :P.
1. No, she doesn't love me anymore, I said as much. The second part is true.
2. They didn't pay her way before. She got her first job when she was 14. That's not to say she never got any money from them, but they weren't typical rich parents that raise a typical entitled douche.
5. I don't have anything worth anything. Just a computer.
6. I'd be interested to hear how my feelings are being taken advantage of. If anything I'm too cold at times.
Now for the paragraph... Humans are a variety of things. Sometimes some people have specific parts that are "broken." I am a sociopath, very much so. Whatever comes from that I accept. I promise you, though. If I somehow didn't see a single person for the next 100 years I would be fine. When I'm around someone I see rarely I am an entirely different person. I'm quiet and I just go with whatever, mainly because I can't be bothered to make decisions I know will be selfish. I actively avoid social circles and situations with more than five people. I flat out didn't attend my office Christmas Party last Thursday. My girlfriend went home to see her parents for Thanksgiving. I sat at home, happily I might add, with my TV dinners, and I was invited to two other family's dinners. I do not like people in general. Forums give me a layer of social awkwardness I can use at least.
I'm digressing and probably not making a good point anymore.
I don't want you to go spend time with 50 people. Spend time with 1 person or at most 2 people. Do it for an hour or two. Then go home and have a night .
I don't like large groups either. I never go to work parties of any kind if I can avoid them. It is likely you are hypersensitive to fake social situations. You are in good company. Many of the smarter members of our race are socially avoidant and detest the fake social games. It doesn't make you a sociopath.
You do things for this person that they won't do for themselves. She flipped about the rent. She still isn't paying her share. You are being taken advantage of because you have a soft spot for her. Is passive but it is very real from your description. There is no way I will believe she doesn't know utilities cost money. So she knowingly is not splitting the costs with you. Thats a passive aggressive manipulation.
You are not digressing. To me it is very clear you require alone time in between social engagements. With someone living in your house this is not helping you decompress from social engagement. I am guessing while she was gone for Thanksgiving things got a little better but in a few days you felt overwhelmed again?
1. Go talk with a therepist if your insurance covers it. It doesn't mean anything. And at the very least you can verify these issues with someone. Also visits are timed. So its a social engagement with an expiration on it.
2. Consider the possibility that you are not as messed up as you say. Consider the possibility that you are simply a type of person that requires alone time every day. There is nothing wrong with this. It is normal introvert behavior. Some of the best friends I have are introverts. My wife and self included.
I do not think that word means what you think it means.
Yeah, if he was a sociopath, he'd be the worst one at being a sociopath ever.
1-From what I read I don't know exactly what sort of relationship you want. Do you always pay for your own things, does she contribute with her money/activity in some ways you do not? Do you want a relationship where everything is split or where all money is shared? I tend to think those are the two only options with no middle ground, if you try to find a middle ground someone is going to get pissed at some point because of the relative contributions. It looks like there is a moment where you really need to define the more practical aspects of the relationship, you should think about this until it's totally clear to you, then have a long conversation with her and see if you can agree.
2-Driving her around is annoying, yes, but again, maybe she is doing some annoying things for you too. If she is not or you just don't want to do it, you should be able to talk to her about that and work it out. If she flips out welp, that's a good reason to think more seriously about the breakup thing.
3-This always sounds like it's a bad thing but it does not need to be. Passion WILL be lost except in very specific cases. Most couples, especially those living together, settle in a routine. Noone can be paying attention to other person constantly, eventually both of you will do your own thing and ignore each other some times. And some times you won't, every person needs individuality and their own time.
To me it looks like you are not happy right now, and I agree that you should do something to change that. But I believe you should think hard about what you want and don't want, and ask her to do the same, and have a long, CIVILIZED conversation to see if it's possible to work it out. If it's not at least you will break up with a clear conscience and no misunderstanding, and THAT is what will allow you to continue appreciating each other as a person and be friends or something.
I'm sorry if I made some bold assumptions or said something out of line, but I consider that honest views are usually better than diplomatic advice, because in the end it is you who must draw conclusions from the impressions of this mini hivemind we have here.
You both know that that doesn't automatically make one a psychotic murderer, right? So perhaps it doesn't mean what either of you think it does. This wasn't a thread to analyze me which is why I didn't bother going into detail: it isn't relevant. Maybe on a larger scale, but I'm not looking for full on analysis when I haven't shared every tiny detail.
Anyway, thanks for all of the advice, everyone. I feel like I need more time to decide I guess. Maybe I'm really not sure if I want it to be over. I hate lacking experience.
So, talk to her about how you feel. If she reacts poorly, that makes your decision easy. If she reacts well, that also makes your decision easy!
Dude, don't be a jerk, people are trying to help you and being defensive isn't going to get you anywhere.
That said this:
sounds like you have already moved on in your head and are just stringing this along to either a) see what happens, or b) because you don't want to be alone, neither of which are good reasons to continue a relationship.