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Women trouble; Am I overreacting?
ViridianGem
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
So, recently I met this woman. She's extremely nice and attractive, and we got along great. However, she's a recovering narcotic addict, specifically heroin and cocaine. She's been clean from those specific drugs for about 4 years. However she just had shoulder surgery and was prescribed Oxycontin. She's started to abuse the medication (self admittedly), and it makes me very uncomfortable. I've approached her about possibly seeing a pain management specialist, and while she agrees, doesn't actively do anything towards that end.
Now, this is pretty early in the friendship/relationship (we've only known each other for about a month and change), but I feel like leaving her to her own ends might be the way to go about this. I do not feel comfortable staging an intervention, mostly because I do know what that surgery feels like, I've had the same one. I tend to overextend and try to help everyone, but my best friend (who's judgement has been infallible for 10+ years) believes there's no helping this girl. I know she is romantically interested in me, and I believe she respects me. I've decided I don't like her when she's high. I myself have a very addictive personality, and noticed this early in life. I don't drink or use drugs, nor do I smoke. Nor do I have a problem with someone who can moderate their behavior. She has monumental issues moderating herself, though she does recognize it as a problem. Honestly, knowing the girl's history, it really makes me want to help her out, but I don't think I am dealing well with (as what I see) self-destructive behavior.
I'd appreciate any and all advice you guys can give me. Thanks!
Now, this is pretty early in the friendship/relationship (we've only known each other for about a month and change), but I feel like leaving her to her own ends might be the way to go about this. I do not feel comfortable staging an intervention, mostly because I do know what that surgery feels like, I've had the same one. I tend to overextend and try to help everyone, but my best friend (who's judgement has been infallible for 10+ years) believes there's no helping this girl. I know she is romantically interested in me, and I believe she respects me. I've decided I don't like her when she's high. I myself have a very addictive personality, and noticed this early in life. I don't drink or use drugs, nor do I smoke. Nor do I have a problem with someone who can moderate their behavior. She has monumental issues moderating herself, though she does recognize it as a problem. Honestly, knowing the girl's history, it really makes me want to help her out, but I don't think I am dealing well with (as what I see) self-destructive behavior.
I'd appreciate any and all advice you guys can give me. Thanks!
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No judgement on you if you feel like you can't stick with her through this. A month is early times to be dealing with stuff this heavy. If you have to leave, though, at least pull the fire alarm on your way out the door.
The most you would be able to do is let her know how you feel about her drug use and that you worry about her, but understand she is the only one that can decide to seek help.
And for the love of God don't get into a relationship with someone to "Help" them. It's only going to end in disaster.
A less severe approach is to put her at arms length and see what happens, inform her that her relapse is going to be problematic, but if she can show she's clean you might be able to progress the relationship, however if she kick the habit again maybe resuming.
I dunno it's probably just easiest to cut all ties.
Urge her to contact her sponsor, or go to a meeting, if she's never been.
As for the romantic thing...you're gonna need to understand something if you want to continue things with her.
You don't recover from being an addict. You'll always be an addict.
You might not do drugs or drink or whatever, you might not have done them for 10+ years, but you're still an addict.
Some people can stop a single drink, or at one joint, or at one line of blow, or a single rock, etc. and continue their normal everyday activities.....addicts can't. Addicts always need more, and never have enough.
You deserve full disclosure if your going to pursue a relationship - and this is what addiction is. Its hard to understand, but you have to accept it as fact to go anywhere serious with this relationship.
your friend was exposed to drugs in an atypical context. if she hadn't needed surgery, it may never have happened. this isn't a lifestyle relapse. the good habits are still there. bring them back out.
new love can be an intensely motivating factor. use it! offer to take her away for a while. offer to pick her up and wind down with coffee if she needs to see a doctor or a therapist about it. don't squander your life on it, but good relationships are too precious in this life to abandon at the first imperfection
Make it clear that if she's going to take painkillers because she 'wants' them, not 'needs' them, you won't be there. Then stick to it and leave if she's not getting help.
I don't think you should give up on someone just because they have a problem, and you may be the reason she stays clean. But it's not your responsibility, it's hers. You can support her, but ultimately any decision about staying clean will be up to her. If she decides to go down that road (and it's easy to go down) it's just going to be pain and hardship for you.
It's perfectly reasonable to not enter into a romantic relationship with this person, as you are now shouldering that burden with her. I don't think that means you can't be a friend. Be open with her that you aren't interested in pursuing a romantic relationship, but you enjoy her company and see her as a friend. Understand that you can't change a person, only that you can help them achieve their goals. If she doesn't see a problem, or want to change, that is when you have to accept her decision and make yours on if you want to continue to interact with her.
On the other hand, she has to want to get help and take steps to get help on her own. You can't push and pull and beg and bully her into getting help; even if it works (slowly) she'll only grow to resent you.
Lay the situation out: how far are you willing to go to help her? what does she have to contribute? don't make a dramatic ITS ME OR THE DRUG ultimatum, but be ready to walk away.
It sounds cliche, but denial really is a thing.
I agree with the sentiments so far: she needs to hear, clearly and succinctly, that she needs to deal with this problem if she wants to be in a relationship with you. She also needs to see a pain management specialist. (IMO, pain management specialists are awesome and do a lot of good work.)
Just keep in mind that you don't know her that well yet, and I suggest maintaining some emotional detachment until she demonstrates that she is taking steps towards her own recovery.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
If she's abusing them like you say, then she hasn't.
The follow up to that isnt letting her off the hook - its to say, "Okay, so if you haven't, what do you intend to do about that?"
Dunno what to say about your involvement, but she should get right to an NA meeting. Relapses are what they're for; they won't shun her.
1) I have spent alot of time around recovering addicts. It really reminds of Jekyl and Hide. I've seen the nicest people, sober for years, relapse and steal a roommates car. If you get in a relationship with an addict relapse is always a possibility and while they are using they will lie to you to protect their use. Watch for , asking for money for any reason, and lieing to get alone time to use. I'm not saying don't get in a relationship. I'm saying that if you do know what you are potentially in for.
2)Does this person have a sponser? I know a recovering addict who had to have surgery and had to have pain medication. His sponser was over at his house just hanging out with him alot(not 24/7) until the need for meds was over and he and his sponser flushed the remaining pills together. The person need to let their sponser know they have relapsed and if they don't have one they need to get one.
The advice about talking to this girls family and friends is not really good advice...An addict needs to be able to make good decisions on their own. People stepping in and trying to do it for them isn't really going to help. It's going to be a crutch and can end up turning into an excuse for them as to why they haven't done what they need to do.
I don't see any problem with being friends with this girl. But I think you need to give it some time before you enter into any kind of romantic relationship. Give her time to prove that she's back on the wagon and serious about staying there. You can't be a fixer and neither can anyone else. That's called enabling and is very detrimental to this persons long term sobriety. Let her take care of herself and be a friend to her and support her good decisions. And be able to walk away. That is important.