So...This Sounds Odd Right? (Ex GF Issues)

milehigh

So...shortly after our breakup in October my ex started having this seemingly terrible string of luck, which I was sympathetic to. She was assaulted at a Halloween party, had her bank account emptied and some other stuff. I tried to give her some resources for counseling and stuff but reiterated that things weren't going to work and we shouldn't be in contact since we weren't going to be together. She continued to talk to my Mom, who cared about her and tried to help her...Well, my Mom just called saying she got a text message from this girl that she had been 4 months pregnant with my child and just lost the baby last week. She claims she left a letter and a picture of the first ultrasound at my father's grave (who passed away early this year and whom she only met once) asking him to watch over the child.

Now, first (also ignoring the fact that she was supposedly on birth control, and I never actually finished inside her, so I'm doubtful to begin with)....she had some medical issues in September/October, saw the doctor, and claimed they checked for pregnancy and she said she was not pregnant at that time. Second, she claims to have found out about this child in late November. I saw her to hand off some belongings on December 1st and nothing seemed awry (she was still seemingly more panicked over the assault that had occurred), additionally she appeared to be thinner that day than anytime during our relationship. Second, I haven't been by the grave (it's an hour drive), but she has several friends and family members who've had children recently and I'm apprehensive to put much clout behind anything that might be there.

Now...I guess I'm wondering if this whole thing seems sketchy from an outsiders view. I mean, if this was all true I would have a lot of concern, I mean it's all a huge deal if true. At the same time, even if it is all true there's nothing I can really do, right? Either way though I'm panicking just due to the gravity of the claims.

Additionally I'm wondering if I should call her and try and talk to her about all this (in a non-confrontational and non-accusing way). Or do I continue to ignore all contact? My Mom is overwhelmed by everything this girl has put on her, so she's said she isn't going to respond to the text. Though I guess the girl has mailed her a several page long, hand-written letter that she claims "explains things better." This is supposed to arrive later this week and my Mom is going to email it to me. I suppose my biggest concern is that this could be an attempt to try and get me to re-initiate contact, and if that's the case, it seems desperate and scary and I'm wondering if there's anything I should be doing to try and protect myself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

BradicusMaximus

Sounds pretty bonkers to me. I'd say about all you can do right now is cut all ties to her which includes your mother talking to her and she should back off. Calling her seems like the last thing you should do.

Extreaminatus

This seems incredibly fishy to me. I've been on both sides of this situation before (I took a break-up a little hard once, but it didn't get this far), and it seems that she's trying to stay relevent in your life any way she can. From where I'm sitting, it does appear that she is attempting to re-initiate contact.

If the miscarriage story true, it's an awful situation and I'm sorry that it happened, but nothing can be helped by having continued contact with her.

The best thing to do, in my experience, is to calmy and firmly maintain the position that things aren't going to work out. Talk to your mom and see if she is willing to cease contact with your ex as that is just enabling her to continue this behavior. Also, begin documenting any attempts from her to initiate contact with you that you do not want, including this letter to your mother in case things escalate.

HeraldS

This sounds like a crazy person trying to pull you back into her life. Ignore and avoid.

ceres

Pretty much exactly everything @Extreaminatus said. It is not literally impossible that she could have been pregnant from what you say, and if she was that's very sad, but it is definitely likely she's trying to stay relevant to you. If she made it to four months along it is odd she wouldn't have said anything even to your mother who she is supposedly friends with, and is actually also kind of irresponsible unless she was planning on telling you exactly never. If she was planning on that, why tell you now? Either way, this is really pointless speculation.

My advice is do not engage. I have also taken breakups pretty hard (although again, nothing like that), and this advice has nothing to do with her getting her crazy on you by proximity: it is entirely for her own good. She needs to move along, and she may need some help in the form of therapy to do that, but that is not on you. The only thing is that you're going to have to be just as firm about it with your mother as with her; make sure your mother isn't unintentionally keeping that door open. Friends and family of a former ex or crush can be unknowingly cruel because they hate to see people sad. Any indication whatsoever your mother gives to her that it may happen in the future or even that you may talk to her is quite possibly doing more damage than she knows. In the end you can't control what your mom says or does, but it's a good idea to stay firm on this with your mother as well and in fact ask not to see the letter. Laying your eyes on it will only encourage everyone involved to continue to talk about you to everyone else.

I guess in direct answer to your question... yeah, it's a bit odd. And I have a feeling once she finally has the picture for real that you won't get together with her again, she'll stop talking to your mom of her own accord. The assault is probably throwing a wrench in all of this that may not have been there otherwise, but you're handling things really well by staying out of it and not getting on your mom for being in it at the same time. Like I said, just maybe have a talk with your mom to re-emphasize that yes it is really over and no you will not be dating the girl again. That, and it's probably better for everyone if you don't read the letter. Curiosity isn't that important.

Cambiata

You can't really control who your mom talks to, so the best course is simply to tell your mother that you don't want her mentioning your ex to you, especially not relaying messages from her or telling you about what she said. That you are done with that person and need to have no contact with her for both of you to properly move on. She can at that point continue to be friends with your ex if she wishes, but if either your mom or your ex were hoping this would bring you back together, that should hopefully put those dreams to rest.

Dug Danger

I'm guessing the ultrasound pic was the only one she had and i'm sure if it even existed it's long gone.

This sounds very fishy. Do not contact her. That will only open the door for more of this behavior. If you stay consistent (and barring any real serious mental health issues on her part) she should eventually let it rest.

milehigh

Thank you! This is pretty much what I was looking for. I was panicked (because, hey, baby and stuff) and was feeling that I was on the right track by not contacting her, but also felt some sense of obligation and wanted to make sure I was being rational. For the record my Mom is fed up with all this and is cutting her out of her life as well. My biggest concern was that, if she is creating this story to stay relevant, what else might she do? We were together for almost two years and while I had a feeling she created a few stories to get sympathy during that time, there were never any signs that something like this would happen. I'm somewhat worried she's gone off the deep end. Regardless I will stay the course and not respond to anything she might throw at me. Definitely appreciate the responses. It really helped me calm down and reassure me I'm not going mad.

Thanatos

Everyone else already covered "she's crazy, cut contact," but just FYI: I don't think there's really anything here that you could legally do to protect yourself from her. She hasn't threatened you or anything like that. If she tries to continue to contact you or your mother after you have asked her not to, that probably constitutes harassment, and is probably worth a call to the police, if for nothing else in order to document it, so that you have a paper trail later if you need a protective order.

And like everyone else says, either she's crazy and inventing a pregnancy, or she was really pregnant and decided to do nothing about it with regards to you other than leave an ultrasound at your father's grave, which is also crazy, just crazy of a slightly different flavor.

milehigh

So in the vein of protecting myself, do I need to "formally" request she not contact us? We had agreed to cut contact after the breakup, and she just sent me a text asking to talk to me tonight on the advice of her therapist. Should I ignore this? Or just send a reply saying I can't help her and ask that she not contact me or my family again? I don't want to antagonize the situation, but I'm also so sick of dealing with it.

ceres

The "you or your family" depends on whether you mother has definitely decided to cut contact, because if she hasn't it wouldn't be wise to speak for her. If she has decided to then yes, say that. If not, speak for yourself. What you said is perfect, and it's something you could potentially show a legal authority if it did come to that, saying "this is where I asked her to stop contacting me, and this is where she kept doing it anyway, please make it stop." But after you send it, you need to stop engaging in a back-and-forth of any kind. You will really need to ignore all incoming texts or attempts at contact, because if you keep talking to her she might see it as encouragement that she's getting through.

Alternatively, skip that step and ignore this too. Don't answer the text, don't answer the phone if she calls, don't open emails or future texts. It is upsetting what she's been through, but you can't do anything to make it better and you don't want to talk to her. Anything her therapist says is between her and her therapist. Consider calling your phone company and having texts from her blocked, if you think it might be a problem, and of course email is usually easy to block. If you've already had the "cutting off contact" conversation, you shouldn't need to have it again.

I'm not going to call her crazy because I think she's someone who's been through some things recently and having trouble coping and I don't feel that's appropriate here, but she really does need help and you are not dating her OR her friend, nor are you even interested in casual contact, so it's entirely inappropriate for you to get involved with that help, and in my completely non-professional opinion, possibly harmful because you don't want the even least bit of contact with her. As someone who has a pretty hard time letting go myself sometimes, I think it's best if you keep that door good and closed.

milehigh

Well...Ended up talking to her tonight, she called from an unfamiliar number and like an idiot I answered. In short I dealt with it, reiterating that she wasn't pregnant, we were broken up and aren't getting back together, and for both our sakes it had to be a clean break with no contact. She attempted to put some guilt trips out there ("Now I have to mourn our child alone," "I'm sorry you can forget our love so easily"), but for the most part accepted it, apologized for not telling me about all this (I didn't accuse her of anything) and said she would respect my wishes and not contact myself or my family.

Hopefully this is the end of it. Still scared to death of relationships and women at the moment, but much more manageable without having to deal with this on top of it.

ceres

Well, good on you for not rising to it, and for staying calm. I hope it went quickly and stays over.

milehigh

Indeed, it was a 20 minute conversation, but all things considered it went well. Time will be the real test. This can be closed, and hopefully I won't be starting any new topics related to this anytime soon! Thanks all