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Dealing with a breakup (she cheated)
Varinn
Vancouver, BCRegistered User regular
Vancouver, BCRegistered User regular
Probably a pretty standard thread around these parts, but you PA'ers have always been good to me so I'm going to get some unbiased input on this before I handle this situation in a way that's totally uncool. This was my first serious relationship so I'm unsure how to handle things.
My girlfriend of two years told me last night that she cheated on me "recently". I had gone to her house with the understanding that our conversation would likely mean the end of our relationship as we had talked about taking a break just after christmas and this was a followup "figure shit out" talk. We talked for a little over an hour about what we were going to do and how we would handle "a break" and discussed maybe trying things again in the future. This was upsetting of course, but I felt we were both mature enough to part ways on good terms and despite strong feelings for each other we both knew that because of so many little things it just was not working out. The curveball came after that hour of talking, where we had essentially decided it was best to move on. We were sitting there and she was crying, said to me that she was going to miss me so much and she didn't want me to be mad. I explained that she didn't need to worry, I wasn't mad at all... but she said it again "she didn't want me to be mad... because she had slept with someone else". I was stunned, obviously, and after a few moments of silence I just asked when and she said "recently". Recently. Not knowing what to say, or how I was supposed to feel I just stood up and said I had to leave. We hugged for a couple seconds and she said she was sorry, that she loved me, and I left.
My immediate reaction after going outside was essentially to calm myself from a panic attack that I've become good at suppressing over the years. I drove home and after a few minutes phoned a friend and we went out for coffee to talk about things. It's now the next day and advice from a few close friends is to cease all contact with her, pack up her belongings from my house and send it to her in the mail. My knee jerk reaction is to include some of the more valuable gifts I received from her over the last two years (including an iPad, tickets, and photo's/memorabilia from a vacation). I don't like the idea of having them anymore as the reminder is something that will stick with me. She is also not well off and I know she COULD use the money for her education if she were to sell the things. This seems crazy to some, and while I will never wish to be with her again, I love the girl. I care about her, and I want her to be happy... but this changes things. By how much though? What is the reasonable way to handle this? At the moment I'm not sure if I'm willing to forget about her, or is it the best way to deal with this?
Do I forgive her for it and try to be friends? Do I find out the where, who, why of it all? Do I stand on the corner with a megaphone screaming insults or do I quietly give her things back, keep the gifts and move on without her in my life?
PS: How the fuck do I tell my parents that the girl they thought I was going to marry is no longer around? Do I tell them the truth, or do I just say "things weren't working out"
My girlfriend of two years told me last night that she cheated on me "recently". I had gone to her house with the understanding that our conversation would likely mean the end of our relationship as we had talked about taking a break just after christmas and this was a followup "figure shit out" talk. We talked for a little over an hour about what we were going to do and how we would handle "a break" and discussed maybe trying things again in the future. This was upsetting of course, but I felt we were both mature enough to part ways on good terms and despite strong feelings for each other we both knew that because of so many little things it just was not working out. The curveball came after that hour of talking, where we had essentially decided it was best to move on. We were sitting there and she was crying, said to me that she was going to miss me so much and she didn't want me to be mad. I explained that she didn't need to worry, I wasn't mad at all... but she said it again "she didn't want me to be mad... because she had slept with someone else". I was stunned, obviously, and after a few moments of silence I just asked when and she said "recently". Recently. Not knowing what to say, or how I was supposed to feel I just stood up and said I had to leave. We hugged for a couple seconds and she said she was sorry, that she loved me, and I left.
My immediate reaction after going outside was essentially to calm myself from a panic attack that I've become good at suppressing over the years. I drove home and after a few minutes phoned a friend and we went out for coffee to talk about things. It's now the next day and advice from a few close friends is to cease all contact with her, pack up her belongings from my house and send it to her in the mail. My knee jerk reaction is to include some of the more valuable gifts I received from her over the last two years (including an iPad, tickets, and photo's/memorabilia from a vacation). I don't like the idea of having them anymore as the reminder is something that will stick with me. She is also not well off and I know she COULD use the money for her education if she were to sell the things. This seems crazy to some, and while I will never wish to be with her again, I love the girl. I care about her, and I want her to be happy... but this changes things. By how much though? What is the reasonable way to handle this? At the moment I'm not sure if I'm willing to forget about her, or is it the best way to deal with this?
Do I forgive her for it and try to be friends? Do I find out the where, who, why of it all? Do I stand on the corner with a megaphone screaming insults or do I quietly give her things back, keep the gifts and move on without her in my life?
PS: How the fuck do I tell my parents that the girl they thought I was going to marry is no longer around? Do I tell them the truth, or do I just say "things weren't working out"
Varinn on
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I would just tell your parents it wasn't working out unless they are people you confide in about things like relationships beyond the surface stuff, just because to me it's introducing more drama than it's worth.
I don't really think you should try to be friends, or if you do it should be after you've given yourself lots and lots of space from her, and time to deal with things and move on. Don't worry about who it was and when. Don't yell at her. Just do what you're doing, decide for yourself about the gifts (although as far as I'm aware etiquette says everyone keeps gifts they got if they want them, so you wouldn't need to feel bad), and quietly move on. It doesn't matter. You are being incredibly mature; keep doing that.
If you decide not to keep the gifts but decide you don't feel good about giving them back either, consider donating them to appropriate organizations.
It sounds like you had your head on fairly straight, especially when you left before doing anything stupid. I'd continue this trend - keep your dignity about it, don't drag her through the mud (as you'll get splashed in return), and keep yourself first and foremost.
You are right in giving her things back. However, the returning the gifts might come across as petty. If you guys both kept your heads on straight enough to have this talk, perhaps before you return her things to her you ask her if she wants them back or not. Don't use it as some kind of a play to stay together (and don't let her do the same, but I doubt she will by the sounds of it), but let it be her decision. Again - the sentiment that a gift was given under is far more important than the gift itself. Don't bring up what she would do with the things (be it selling them or what) - just ask her if she wants them back too, in a neutral tone.
Time -- and some initial distance -- will tell whether a friendship is in the cards, but until you've had some time to heal, I'd recommend ending communication entirely. If she has trouble with this, politely and respectfully tell her that after a relationship that meant so much to you, you'll need a little distance in order to grieve and start to move on. Hopefully she'll understand.
One bit of advice I would offer: Spending time trying to figure out the whys and wherefores of a breakup is futile. Each individual is different, each relationship is different, and even if you could figure out objectively why this one failed (and you almost certainly cannot), it would be no use to you in the future, since that relationship will be its own unique thing. It is human impulse to do a post mortem in this sort of situation, but the sooner you stop letting the breakup occupy your mind, the sooner you'll begin to move past it.
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BUT that's not an easy thing to do right away (I've learned that lesson the hard way) especially since there's the added hurt from her cheating on you. Give yourself lots of space, hang out with other friends, vent all you need, but its probably for the best if you don't see each other for awhile if you can avoid it and that you talk infrequently.
Its not just going to be the gifts she gave you that are going to remind you of her, its going to be every miserable thing from all over the place. Things people say, stuff you see on tv, certain music, you get the picture. I'm not saying you have to keep them, its just that getting rid of those gifts is not going to necessarily make things easier (who can say though, some people might feel better like that)
Again, thanks everyone.
But yeah man, get rid of anything in sight or that you might come across that reminds you of her if you need to. I wound up 'nesting' by getting new dishes, silverware, bed, bedding, towels, etc. after she moved out so I could make things look as different as possible without actually having to move.
Also, start chatting with other ladies if you're ready. It'll help to see that there's other fish in the sea.
She is not her picture, her books, her movies. Your shared love/appreciation of a thing is not inherently tied to her -- these are your things, too. You are an independent person and you can make decisions. For example, you could get rid of "her" iPad, but who's to say that you won't see ALL iPads as a memory of what she gifted you? But that's unique for each person -- my girlfriend strongly associates the Soul Coughing album "Ruby Vroom" with her ex-husband, and although is somewhat OK with some of the songs, she strongly dislikes listening to the album in full, even though she likes the album! In general, I feel that only time will tell, which is why it's wise to simply put things aside that are really strong reminders -- pictures, for example -- and then wait and see how you feel about the different elements she's left in your life. Of course, it's good to return her actual possessions.
Sadly, I think you're right. I will have to go and get tested, I don't believe we'd slept together since her.... thing... but still, for the sake of precaution I will make an appointment for next week.
And as far as telling your parents? Guaranteed they've been through breakups before they met each other, so they should understand. Just tell them it wasn't working out and you guys broke up. No need to give them the dirty details I don't think.
I'd tell them we broke up because it wasn't working out and if they pushed for details then I'd tell them.
Except for the one or two when she just said "oh thank God." I mean, that sounds pretty disrespectful, but you don't know the guys. :P
Make sure you go to your doctor and get checked-out. You never know what the skeevy dude might've had that your ex might've passed on to you.
EDIT: Nevermind, I missed adamb's remark. Nevertheless, it's important enough to mention twice, I guess.
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You're handling this in a very mature fashion. I do not doubt that you will find someone worthy of your time and affection when you are meant to.
Chin up.
We talked for a bit while she was there and she essentially just said she was so incredibly sorry for hurting me, but wanted me to understand why she did it and how badly this has impacted her as a result. She said that if I was to want to try this again, she would be there but I said no despite my wishes to say yes. There were problems in our relationship to begin with and this is a hurdle too large to want to jump over it. I do not put all blame on her, I made many mistakes and I did not give her the things she told me she wanted over and over again. Things like telling her I loved her all the time, the romance etc that she needed from me and I was never able to give her. I can understand why she went elsewhere to get that feeling, and I feel terrible for it because I should have done something about it sooner. Regardless, I told her I would drop off her things so she wouldn't have to carry them for the 2+ hour bus ride home. I have decided to keep all of her gifts, and the pictures. I don't want to burden myself with the reminders but at the same time, I don't want to forget about her completely. We are not going to attempt friendship as it will only make this harder and prolong the feelings for both of us. The only thing left to do is to give tell my family which will be hard because they were quite close, she told me to tell them she was sorry
Also, it might be too soon, but start talking to other ladies again. It will help in getting over her. You seem to be a really stand up dude, and you deserve someone that will treat you right.
Just move on and don't look back. You get to start over with a clean slate, and you only get that chance so many times.
Oddly enough, gifts never bothered me. I was always a better gift-giver than my ex (lovingly hand-made stuff) , so I see it as a reflection of what good a partner I can be and don't regret it. As far as her gifts, it reminds me of a better time. I see it as separate from where we are now.
As far as parents go, I'd imagine it would depend on what kind of relationship you have with them. If you normally tell them personal things, and they are supportive then I don't see why you shouldn't draw on their support now and use them as a sounding board. If they are judgemental and drama-prone as mine, it will just make things worse. Make whatever excuse you are comfortable with.
You have my sympathies man.
You may become friends later on, as time provides perspective, but that's not something you need to think about now.
PSN: rlinkmanl
First off, be honest with your parents. You're going to feel embarrassed, naturally, but try and remind yourself you aren't the guilty party here, you're the victim. Just be up front "Mom, dad, it didn't work out, there was some infidelity on her part, and I just need to deal with things". You don't need to give them every sordid detail, but be honest.
Next up, avoid the burning desire to slander her in public. I had to fight VERY hard with this myself, as I am a very anti-bullshit, anti-drama person, and I like to see people get called on their bullshit. Understand that you aren't helping yourself by doing this, in fact you are probably making her look good. Remind yourself that you are the better person, and that what goes around comes around.
What ceres said is spot on: Try and "erase" her from your life for a while. Not forever, you don't have to hate her and build a voodoo doll to burn...but avoid her. Put any pictures away, get your life back to being YOUR LIFE. Focus on you, go to the gym, go out with buddies. There are going to be days you don't even want to get out of bed. Fight it. Getting up and moving is absolutely the best medicine, no matter how hard it is to build up the momentum.
Is she planning to date the guy she was unfaithful with? My ex did, and is in fact moving in with him, so that's a huge thing to deal with as well. I won't lie and say the bitterness and feeling of betrayal has completely faded, but it's better. We have to interact frequently because of our daughter, and I find as time passes I find interacting with her becomes quite a bit easier. In many ways, I've started to pity her. For all her thoughts of greener grass and better pastures, it's not working out quite as neatly as she had hoped. Sometimes life gives people all the kicks in the ass they need, without you ever being involved.
In the end, keep your head up. I know the kind of questions this sort of infidelity leaves you asking yourself. Was I not good enough? What did I ever do to deserve this? Just understand that in most cases, cheaters cheat because of something they are missing inside of them, not something you are missing. It's a void they need to fill inside themselves, and it's unlikely anything you could have done would have changed it.