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Brother Dating Problems
heybabykannibal
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I need some guy advice, or help in general with this one. I'm an 18 year old big sister with a 12year old brother.
My brother's being a creep. He keeps texting girls-who clearly don't want to talk to him , asking for nude pictures and he randomly just tells them he loves them. The father of one of the girls even called to complain about his behavior and my mom wants me to talk to him about it.
Clearly, I don't know where to go with this. My brother isn't an ugly kid, he's tall, plays sports, funny, has nice clothes-so I don't see why he feels like he has to beg all these girls for attention.
I know how guys are, guys still ask me for nudes and I get creepy guys saying the same things to me and its really gross. I don't want that to be my brother.
My parents are useless. I need some advice, please, what should I do?
I'd do anything to keep my brother from getting hurt and out of trouble.
My brother's being a creep. He keeps texting girls-who clearly don't want to talk to him , asking for nude pictures and he randomly just tells them he loves them. The father of one of the girls even called to complain about his behavior and my mom wants me to talk to him about it.
Clearly, I don't know where to go with this. My brother isn't an ugly kid, he's tall, plays sports, funny, has nice clothes-so I don't see why he feels like he has to beg all these girls for attention.
I know how guys are, guys still ask me for nudes and I get creepy guys saying the same things to me and its really gross. I don't want that to be my brother.
My parents are useless. I need some advice, please, what should I do?
I'd do anything to keep my brother from getting hurt and out of trouble.
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The crappy thing is, that depending on your current relationship with him, he might or might not listen to what you have to say.
Getting people who don't talk about their feelings to talk about their feelings is a big part of a counselor's job. 'course, if you don't have any backing from your parents getting him to go to a counselor would be tough.
Also, why is this duty being farmed out to you? This became a discipline problem the moment a girls father got involved.
That's about the only comment I have on it. He's probably mostly being trained by his friends because that sounds an awful lot like how high school was for most of my friends. And partly why friendzone/ladder theory exists (which are bullshit).
Also you should clue him in that he can go to jail for possessing nude pictures of his girlfriends.
You may want to try and make him see that women are people too, and ask how he'd feel if someone were doing that to you, his sister, and how that would make him feel.
Women are objectified a lot in our society so I think it might be easy for a confused kid to do the same.
Maybe it's time you had a talk with your parents. Your parents don't need to "get" him, they need to be parents! That may mean grounding him, taking privileges away, and just generally dealing with him as a parent would. It sounds to me like your parents don't want that burden, so they are hoping you can solve it.
He's twelve. If your parents can't handle him now, he's going to destroy them when he's 16 and really starts to branch out. If all your dad does is yell, maybe there's part of the root cause. Parents who constantly yell at their kids are a primary destroyer of self esteem, and it sounds to me like your brother has a serious self esteem issue. I mean, if all your dad does is yell at him, why wouldn't he think it's okay to be aggressive to girls?
Her parents should be handling this, and how it should be handled is relatively obvious. Tell him to stop. If he does not, take his phone away. If he transitions to facebook, take his access away. If this sort of behavior continues, ground him. If all of that fails, it's counseling time because there is a deeper issue here.
I am still planting a lot of this on the constantly yelling father. I grew up in a house hold with a constantly yelling, belittling parent, and it screwed me up in the head something royal. Took years of therapy and introspection to fix.
You're his sister, not his parent - why not give advice instead of coming down on him? "Hey, bro - you're going about this the wrong way. You want girls naked, learn an interesting skill and take care of your hygiene. They'll send the pics without you asking." Don't call him a creep, don't embarrass him - his esteem is probably shot enough.
And also, I'm starting to believe its a father issue because he gets very emotional when we talk about spending more time with our dad. Because he puts him to work, he's in the military-he's an authoritarian parent.
It's very likely your brother is creative, or artistic in some way, or is more full of empathy or emotionally needy than your father, but he gets his "ideal male image" from your father who is gruff and authoritarian. The "puts him work" line really struck a cord with me. If your father can't spend time with his son without "putting him to work", that shows how emotionally detached your dad is.
The sad truth is, there may be NOTHING you can do about all this. Your father isn't going to change who he is. He sounds like the type that would balk if a shrink tried to tell him how he was acting was wrong ("Bah, he just needs to man up, quit being a sissyman", etc).
Also, there is also the possibility that your brother is gay. I'm not saying he is, but I've seen young gay men with authoritarian "manly man" fathers act this way. Acting out towards girls in an aggressive manner like this can manifest itself in oppressed young gay males, because they think being aggressive and feral to girls is how they are supposed to act.
Just some things to think about. I would seriously consider seeing if your school has some counseling services you can use, to get professional help and advice on this. We're all just regular folks on this board, but a real professional could give you much more insight.
He pays attention to what I say, when I talk with him he actually looks me in the eye-unlike with my parents (except my dad-who makes him look him in the eye) but he doesn't seem to take my advice. I'm not a big brother-I'm his sister. I want him to know that I'm here for him-but he never comes to me no matter how much I tell him I'm here.
I understand, the difficult part would be convincing my parents to get him help...whole they deal with their own problems.
Thank you
They also may be able to provide some basic advice on how to approach your brother, if you do decide you want to keep being heavily involved.
(Sadly, folks like your parents are part of the gargantuan mental health problem we have in this country...the general "we keep our business private, we don't need help" attitude is very destructive...I wish you the best).
Oh, I see... Perhaps I could use it. I'm not sure my school offers that but I will look into it.
Stress due to family issues back home is a very common problem for college students.
Based off of this behavior that he's exhibiting I would be led to believe he's spent to much time on various forums that present this type of attitude towards women.
This is also a possibility, or perhaps it is a friend that has this attitude that is rubbing off on him. Either way it needs to be explained that this is not the norm, and that it needs to be stopped ASAP.
My mom was that way with me. And I know how my dad doesn't have the patience for this. I can understand why he doesn't want to be around our parents, I would never confide in them. I never could. But I worry about my brother because I'm not home.
This is exactly what I thought. The chain of parenting is vicious, my father never knew his & his mom only ever lectured him. She never spent time with my dad-he never even had birthday parties. Because of this, my dad has always been the drill Sargent father, and because of the things our family has suffered through, he has little patience. He just doesn't have the energy or the time (his excuse) but it is worse on my brother. My parents are planning on making my brother go to a private high school but I fear that that may cause problems for him mentally. If I try to bring these points up to my parents I get, "you may be 18 but you're not a parent".
I get that a lot.
My mom was that way with me. And I know how my dad doesn't have the patience for this. I can understand why he doesn't want to be around our parents, I would never confide in them. I never could. But I worry about my brother because I'm not home.
This is exactly what I thought. The chain of parenting is vicious, my father never knew his & his mom only ever lectured him. She never spent time with my dad-he never even had birthday parties. Because of this, my dad has always been the drill Sargent father, and because of the things our family has suffered through, he has little patience. He just doesn't have the energy or the time (his excuse) but it is worse on my brother. My parents are planning on making my brother go to a private high school but I fear that that may cause problems for him mentally. If I try to bring these points up to my parents I get, "you may be 18 but you're not a parent".
I get that a lot.
Then why are they making you fix a problem that they should be handling?
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They are self centered and justify it with "we give you all these nice things-the least you can do is help".
This behavior needs to be nipped in the bud before it goes farther than it already has.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
Here's one thing - he's too young for the ToS on Facebook, meaning he's had to lie about his age to even use it. Your parents should really be doing something about his behavior, such as taking his phone away or at least monitoring his texts, making him call the girl's parents to apologize, and deleting his Facebook page.
Consequences for bad behavior are the thing needed here - but you're not really in a position to enforce them. I have a 13yr old son (and a 15yr old one, and a daughter turning 17 in a couple of weeks) and I'm pretty amazed that your parents have asked you to do something instead of taking action on their own. It's their job, not yours. I'd have already shut down the phone and made him apologize, because that's some shameful behavior and he deserves to feel ashamed.
I hate to open up a can of worms here, but looking into what he spends his entertainment time doing is probably a good idea. I would bet you'll be surprised as hell to discover the sorts of company he's keeping on the internet, consuming content chock full of ironic and adult humor that he is taking at face value and modeling as correct behavior because it's oh so hilarious and he's 12. At the end of the day, though, you're not going to be able to do much except talk to him like a big sister, tell him girls hate that sort of thing and it doesn't make him cool, and tell your parents they need to step up to the plate.
Not likely to be a very fun conversation, but it's one you need to have... you don't want to find yourself modeling the same avoidance tactics they're currently employing with your brother. It's no way to live.
unfortunately, what he sees from his dad is not cool at all, not hip or popular, and mostly disapproving. he's not going to be emulating that.
that leaves the greater media/internet to provide him with examples, and the (mis)behavior of older male teens. let me assure you, at 12, he has ZERO business texting girls with flirtatious messages, let alone asking for nudes and escalating into harassment.
from what you've said, he seems fairly honest and open to you, and you're likely the only family member he trusts to understand him without judgement. I definitely agree with the other posters that this is the parents' responsibility, not yours, but you're in a unique position to perhaps not let your brother turn these attitudes into a fully-internalized way of life.
12 year olds think they're smart, and you can definitely sit them down and have some abstract conversations with them. So that's what i'd suggest you do.
Tell him you understand that he's trying to piece together just how exactly to grow up, and how to come to terms with his changing body. Tell him he's going to be getting stronger, and taller, and that it's going to be thrilling at times and terrifying at others. Emphasize, over and over, that his peers - both girls and boys - are experiencing similar changes, and ask him to imagine how they feel. Ask him to put himself in their shoes, and just really think about how someone else might feel as their body is undergoing the same types of changes.
Ask him, if he was a girl, how he would feel if someone - regardless of attraction - was constantly pestering him for pictures of a most intimate nature.
Try to engage him on an intellectual level. He'll want to join you up there with all his heart, to discourse as 'adults' do. The more you get him to think about these things on a rational, empathetic scale, the more you'll encourage introspection.
Ask him what he believes a strong man should be. Ask him where he gets that image. Ask him if he thinks that image might be different for different people around the world. Ask him how he feels about creating his own image. Tell him, that as his sister, you want his image of a strong man to include respect for you - and by extension - all women and all people.
Tell him that the strongest man thinks for himself and doesn't let the crowds control his thoughts and behavior. Tell him to be faithful to the people he loves the most.
I say this as a man who's wishing someone had a conversation like this with me when I was that age...
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His idols are Wiz Kahlifa and Bob Marley because that's who everyone glamorizes.
I want him to get out of this stage but its only just begun.
I will however touch on the points you're bringing up. He likes to give me a lot of shrugged shoulders and "idunno"'s so I'm not sure how far I will get. But I hope that the fact that I'm trying to talk to him will allow him to open up to me at some point.
They need to shut down his accounts and get him to understand his actions will have consequences that will haunt him for life. Ask your brother about Star Wars Kid or Cosplay Fireball any of the countless memes these days - think girls would want to date someone like that?
Also this - it's not your job to be his parent and they should not be putting you in this position.
He's entering puberty here, folks. It's a bumpy ride and not all of us handle it gracefully.
Your best bet, if you do need to be the one to handle it, is to sit him down, tell him what you've told us - that you don't want him going down this path because you know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that kind of behavior. This may be a difficult and embarrassing thing for you to talk about with your younger brother, but just telling him he's acting like a tool and needs to stop isn't enough. He needs to understand that his behavior is effecting another human being in a potentially negative way, and that it won't do him any favors in the long run.
Peer pressure is clearly a factor as well - and while you may have moved, if he still has the same hobbies, he still has the same kind of friends - and this sort of thing, in my experience, is particularly common amongst athletes at his age. There's a lot of pressure there to deliver the machismo, and it's entirely possible that he feels he's in a race, that whoever does the dirty deed first wins. Explaining to him that it isn't such a big deal will do little to alleviate his concerns, however, because while his mind might get it, his body and his friends are all screaming PUT IT IN RIGHT THE HELL NOW.
Even if you DON'T end up handling it for your parents, let him know you're there for him, that if he needs advice on talking to girls, or doesn't understand why his approach isn't working or why people are getting upset, that he can come to you. Be the cool big sister. He's gotta trust you anyway if you're going to help him through this. Tell him that Dad and his friends and the whole world doesn't even have to know about it.
I didn't have an older sister, but instead had an older brother that constantly told me I was gay, which only fanned that fire to prove I WASN'T. I don't know if having a sister would have been better, but I know that if my brother had been more supportive and given half a shit about what I was going through at the time it would have been a lot easier. Hell, just knowing he would have been there would have lifted a lot of pressure.
It sounds like your mom isn't super involved in his life aside from "mom stuff", which means he probably doesn't have too many examples of women being, you know, real people. If you can be that example, just by showing him that words have meaning and that being harangued for skin pics actually brings a girl down, he might cool it, if even just a little.
The reason jail and correctional institutions exist it is because people sometimes need to be punish for bad things.
One thing that might help is to get him to understand that these ideas he has about women are not natural or coming from himself, but are coming from society. Kids that age want to be their own person, they resent being manipulated. Show him how he's being manipulated. Sit down with him and play some beer commercials and analyze them. Why is that girl fawning over the guy who just popped the top of a can of Bud Light? Does he think girls act that way in real life? Or is the beer company just using that imagery to "trick" guys into drinking their beer? And so on.