How do I decapitate and preserve the body of my giant Gummi Bear?

Drez

So, I received two giant (5 pound / 10 inch) Gummi Bears for Christmas.

I started eating the face off one of them but I clearly couldn't finish it in one sitting. So I currently have one Gummi Bear weighing on both my computer desk and my soul, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I thought I would cut off its head (since I started eating the face and chewed off a couple of its ears already), preserving the part that has not been touched by my teethy bacteria. But I'm even having trouble with that and I'm not sure anything short of a chainsaw can snap this bastard's head off its neck.

Assuming I do manage to decapitate it, how do I store the body until I'm ready to get all gummivorous on it again? In the fridge? So I just wrap it in plastic and leave it on my desk?

Any advice is appreciated.

Esh

Bread knife?

matt has a problem

Use a box cutter, razor knife, whatever you wish to call it. Just gradually cut your way through the neck. Keep it sealed tight and out of heat, you don't have to freeze or refrigerate the rest, but it will gradually get stiffer as moisture leaves it over time.

Casual

Esh wrote: »

Bread knife?

When I had a giant gummy worm I carved it up with a big bread knife. It has to be a thick one though not one where the blade is thin enough to bend. As for preservation, just make sure it's wrapped up, cling film should do it. I'm not sure gummy bears/worms are made of anything that decays (at least not quickly) so the fridge shouldn't be necessary.

see317

I'd suggest a bread (or other large, serrated blade) to cut the head off.
To store the body, I'd recommend a vacuum sealer if you have one. Otherwise, a Ziploc bag with as much air squeezed out as you can get.
Chances are, that'll be enough since it's not likely to go bad so long as it's kept clean, cool and dry. Maybe toss it in the fridge if you're not planning on eating it for a few months.

Drez

Thanks, all. Food for thought.

Or rather, thought for food, I guess.

mts

I think the only true way is with a big ass cleaver. How often will you get a chance to do that

Detharin

First get a small length of wood, lay the gummy bear on the wood face side up. Use some weights to hang this over the edge of a table or other stable flat object. Next get a large spool of cheese or other sharp wire. Wrap the ends around two bricks. Next gently lay the wire over the neck of the gummi bear. Next drop the two bricks one on either side of the head and wait. You can of course work the bricks back and forth in a sawing motion if you are in a hurry. After that just toss the rest in the fridge or freezer, and discard anything you are not interested in eating.

It is pretty much the same process as disposing of a dead hooker when you get right down to it.

Essee

I gotta be honest, I don't think I have any particular advice at this moment. Other posters have covered the only ideas I've had.

I do, however, want to tell you that I love this thread. So much. Especially with your description.

Kias

I don't think we can properly help you without a picture...



...I want to see this giant gummy creation.

bowen

Drez

Mine is a different color, but yeah that's pretty much right.

bowen

They are nuts. I saw one in NYC in Toys-R-Us' candy section.

That along with a 5 lb box of fucking nerds. Holy shit.

minirhyder

You could freeze the body for the time being.
I'm just thinking that it could turn into a delicious popsicle.

Richy

bowen wrote: »

They are nuts. I saw one in NYC in Toys-R-Us' candy section.

That along with a 5 lb box of fucking nerds. Holy shit.

I saw those nerd boxes in NYC's Toys-R-Us too. They were bigger than my head. I could have opened one and buried my entire head in nerds.

Sir Carcass

I would recommend attaching a wire to its head and another wire to its feet, then attaching those to either 2 cats or r/c cars going in opposite directions.

Prime

I think your thinking to small with the knife

That would be much more satisfying

The Ender

Okay; what you want to do is encase the feet in quick-dry cement, drive over the nearest bridge crossing a river, and just dump it off there. Just try to put the whole thing out of your mind, smile when you go to work (but not too often, or when you shouldn't be smiling. And don't smile too wide) and pray that, come Gummi judgement, you'll be forgiven.

The Gummi police will never find him, and I'm sure he won't be missed.


EDIT: For serious advice, I'd just stick the whole thing in the freezer. But I love semi-frozen treats, so ymmv.

CowShark

The wire comment made me think that if you've got one of those wire cheese slicers, you might be able to pop the top that way.

mts

The Ender wrote: »

Okay; what you want to do is encase the feet in quick-dry cement, drive over the nearest bridge crossing a river, and just dump it off there. Just try to put the whole thing out of your mind, smile when you go to work (but not too often, or when you shouldn't be smiling. And don't smile too wide) and pray that, come Gummi judgement, you'll be forgiven.

The Gummi police will never find him, and I'm sure he won't be missed.


EDIT: For serious advice, I'd just stick the whole thing in the freezer. But I love semi-frozen treats, so ymmv.

I dunno, saw this.

Deebaser

@drez

I wanna see photos

ceres

The Ender wrote: »

Okay; what you want to do is encase the feet in quick-dry cement, drive over the nearest bridge crossing a river, and just dump it off there. Just try to put the whole thing out of your mind, smile when you go to work (but not too often, or when you shouldn't be smiling. And don't smile too wide) and pray that, come Gummi judgement, you'll be forgiven.

The Gummi police will never find him, and I'm sure he won't be missed.

You will certainly be less likely to develop type II diabetes if you do it this way. It's for the good of your pancreas... just keep telling yourself that.

bowen

ceres wrote: »

The Ender wrote: »

Okay; what you want to do is encase the feet in quick-dry cement, drive over the nearest bridge crossing a river, and just dump it off there. Just try to put the whole thing out of your mind, smile when you go to work (but not too often, or when you shouldn't be smiling. And don't smile too wide) and pray that, come Gummi judgement, you'll be forgiven.

The Gummi police will never find him, and I'm sure he won't be missed.

You will certainly be less likely to develop type II diabetes if you do it this way. It's for the good of your pancreas... just keep telling yourself that.

I can't fathom eating something like a gummy bear before it goes bad.

The 5 lb box of nerds on the other hand...

ceres

bowen wrote: »

ceres wrote: »

The Ender wrote: »

Okay; what you want to do is encase the feet in quick-dry cement, drive over the nearest bridge crossing a river, and just dump it off there. Just try to put the whole thing out of your mind, smile when you go to work (but not too often, or when you shouldn't be smiling. And don't smile too wide) and pray that, come Gummi judgement, you'll be forgiven.

The Gummi police will never find him, and I'm sure he won't be missed.

You will certainly be less likely to develop type II diabetes if you do it this way. It's for the good of your pancreas... just keep telling yourself that.

I can't fathom eating something like a gummy bear before it goes bad.

The 5 lb box of nerds on the other hand...

Oh yeah, give me like three days and I'll take care of the nerds for you.

Arang

I just wanted to add that you can get a lot, almost all, of the air out of a ziploc bag or similar if you put under water and let that squeeze it out

keep the top over the water level and just close it carefully toward a corner, there's probably all kinds of tutorials on youtube

Aioua

Arang wrote: »

I just wanted to add that you can get a lot, almost all, of the air out of a ziploc bag or similar if you put under water and let that squeeze it out

keep the top over the water level and just close it carefully toward a corner, there's probably all kinds of tutorials on youtube

Oh man I never thought of this! That's pretty smart.

Drez

I saw that giant box of Nerds in TRU in Times Square too.

Someday...

GnomeTank

Why has no one suggested he build a gummy-guillotine, a gunmotine if you will, yet?

mts

or a paper cutter would work spledndidly

MichaelLC

Aioua wrote: »

Arang wrote: »

I just wanted to add that you can get a lot, almost all, of the air out of a ziploc bag or similar if you put under water and let that squeeze it out

keep the top over the water level and just close it carefully toward a corner, there's probably all kinds of tutorials on youtube

Oh man I never thought of this! That's pretty smart.

I do it AB's way and use a straw - close it almost completely, insert straw to the bottom, suck out air, slowly pulling the straw up ass you go, then quickly seal the top as you pull the straw out.

Skeith

mts wrote: »

I think the only true way is with a big ass cleaver. How often will you get a chance to do that

Alternatively, a machete or a hatchet.

MichaelLC

And then post the hilarious video of it bouncing off the bear and whacking him in the head.

ahava

why has nobody suggested preserving the giant gummy in a bathtub full of vodka or rum or tequila yet?

I am disappointed in ALL of you.

bowen

You all should have a competition to see how long it takes you to eat a gummy bear of this size.

GnomeTank

Or at the very least, who can eat the thing before they start breaking teeth.

Detharin

I wonder if you soaked it in vodka how long it would take to absorb as much as it can hold. You could then lay it out like a sacrifice at a party and let people carve chunks of it off.

curly haired boy

this entire thread has boggled my mind. i've always considered gummi bears as bite-sized. something that large starts bringing up connotations of revenge fan-tasties and now i'm scared.

i mean, if i was given one of those, i'd have it sliced anyway, just cause walking around while nibbling on a giant green rubbery thing is a pretty wack way to make a first impression

ceres

It was just suggested to me that you should get a cookie cutter in the size and shape of a normal gummy bear, and use that to cut shapes out of the big one.

That seems pretty effectively gruesome.

Deebaser

Drez, stop being a butt and post your candy land crime scene pictures

Sir Carcass

I think the gummi bear found this thread and is trying out some of the suggestions on Drez.

DivideByZero

Drez wrote: »

I saw that giant box of Nerds in TRU in Times Square too.

Someday...

If you do, be sure to inspect them closely for any imitation Nerds. The knock-offs can be spotted because they look female.

There is, after all, apparently an epidemic of fake Nerd girls going around... :rotate: