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Turn the lights on and off 3 times, then come post in the [Brain Problems] thread
Posts
Luvu social aniexty
I could dig that
Although I'm kinda weird and I usually chill out to metal like
although I love this
I had to get those old person pill reminders that you put pills for each day in. This was after not being sure if I took my Celexa or not, I am at 40mg so I couldn't just take another as that would be in overdose territory. The next day I felt like shit and kept getting these little electric jolts which I guess is common when going off SSRI's.
Steam/PSN/XBL/Minecraft / LoL / - Benevicious | WoW - Duckwood - Rajhek
turns out that is kind of a trigger for me?
welcome to anxiety town, population: my lame ass
i only listen to good music
Dang, you got something to distract you? Vidya games is my default because then I can choose the appropriate level of human interaction for my mood
Regardless, hugs!
spoilered for some background and lots of words
That was pretty much the start of my problems. at least the ones that I could start to recognize. I pulled back from everything and everybody, wrapped myself up in a cocoon of just me as much as I could. I avoided old friends and mutual buddies, I stayed off the internet and my old hangouts as much as possible, unable to handle even the slightest reminder of Chris. this lasted for about 6 months and then I spiralled back up and joined the world again.
Of course this was when life started going to shit, I lost my decent job, ended up at walmart and trying to support myself and my boyfriend at the time. being poor and broke and constantly one step away from homelessness does things to a person's brain. I'm still not over the anxiety that I picked up around that time about driving (my car and myself were as illegal as possible, but I still needed to drive to get to work). I finally hit the bottom of the barrell and ran back to my parents with my tail between my legs. Finally admitted to them that I had never actually finished my degree, to which they said that they knew, they had known all along but had been waiting for me to admit it.
Moving back in with my parents at the age of 28 and working at walmart might seem to be the worst possible thing, but in the end it helped me more than anything else. I got my debts paid off, I got my feet under me again, and I was able to support my family when my mom found the cancer and throughout her entire treatment. It was because of this safe place I was able to get my head slightly straight and able to meet ecco through the forums, then through irc, and then skype and all of that led to me moving to new zealand. Where life is better than it has ever been.
Except. There are those moments, every now and then, where the world just collapses on my head and I absolutely just shut down completely. I am ugly, I am fat, I am stupid and useless. I have no prospects to get a good job, let alone a career. My fiance and his friends are all incredibly educated and intelligent people. they all at least have their masters, several have doctorates in complicated things like biology and maths, and engineering that all leave my simple bachelors degree in english (that took me 10 years to finish technically) in the dust and in shame. They are all making good money and are all starting to buy houses. I'm 31, going to be 32 this year and the most gainful employment I've ever had was working for the phone company almost 10 years ago. I can't seem to do much else but entry level positions and nobody seems to even want to hire me for those. There is this 5 year period of my life that seems to be missing, that went into the black hole of maine and i lost it and now I am struggling to catch up.
Add this to the growing stress of our financial life. I mean we're ok, we're not hurting, but we're not saving. we're treading water quite nicely, but our living situation is just weird and fraught and only going to get worse. I had a mess of a breakdown last weekend and I seem to be ok now. but the stress of everything is going to get to me and I am so grateful to you guys for having this here. just in case I need to just have some place to scream.
@I win swordfights:: thank you so much for the ladysmith black mambazo. this has made my morning.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
but if you need someone to chat with one on one, i can do that even better
as someone who often falls into the "i'm fat i'm ugly i'm useless i'm stupid i'm terrible" spiral
maybe having someone who can relate would help
Yeah, Stevie Wonder is pretty good.
Althought not on irc itd have to be pms
in addition to it being a wonderful picture of Mr. Kanye West
his music label is called
which sounds weird now, but in and of itself it's just things like that which help me snap out of it. And then I go to the gym and bang on some weights. I know that my depression isn't clinical, i've been to doctors and things a few times. for me, most of it is just beating up the voice in the back of my head with positive things.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
SOFT DICKS AND HARD TIMES is the name of my autobiography.
after.. god. maybe a decade or more? of dealing with depression and undiagnosed ADHD i am actually doing okay on effexor & not on amphetamines anymore (which made me stop eating more than anything)
but that's just for me. the key to remember is that you are the best person to monitor your health and well-being. it helps to rely on therapists and doctors when you're in the dumps, but when you feel able, remember that they can only work on external signs and symptoms plus what you self-report. Which, if you know things about self-tak and CBT, may not always be accurate. So be careful, yo. I'm pullin for you. We're all in this together.
Remember that One Thousand Dicks is always in your corner.
Healthcare ain't always easy to get in this world but if there is a way to swing it, finding some one who can cut to the core of your bullshit and get you out of your self made rut is amazing.
I've been needing to check out the student health center just to see how it works as a medical service in general. That's a very good idea. I'll have to take a little time to go see them on Monday. Someone yell at me if I come back here on Monday and say that I didn't do that.
Steam - Wildschwein | The Backlog
Grappling Hook Showdown - Tumblr
That...makes a ton of sense. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, right. I keep thinking I'll just magically get better.
Guess I'm gonna go make a phone call.
Those places, unless I am mistaken, are open all weekend.
Do not wait for Monday.
HELL YEAH.
Turns out they're only fully open Monday-Thursday (emergency services on Friday). Monday is when I'm on campus next anyhow. It's still an hour drive each way and all. I would do it today, but they closed while I was still at work. There wasn't any mention of this sort of thing on their website, but I'm assuming I can file it under "health and wellness." Doesn't hurt to stop in anyway.
...they are literally closer to my desktop at work than the bathroom is. How have I never noticed them?
Steam - Wildschwein | The Backlog
Grappling Hook Showdown - Tumblr
If I had been at home it probably would have sent me into a shitty episode/spiral
But just that little bit of push to keep it together let me gather my thoughts. And I thought things out. And I realized I could totally live with certain thoughts. Whereas in the past they had triggered awful insecurities about myself and just made me feel worthless, I realize they have nothing whatsoever to do with me, that my self worth isn't tied to anybody or anything else. And while I was still uncomfortable, I was able to talk my brain out of a spiral and go back to being productive.
Sorry I am being kind of vague here, it is just super personal deep seated things that are part of the core of my issues.
Basically the moral of the story here is that I am really glad my brain medicine and therapy and life experiences are actually sort of working finally. I mean, always room for improvement, but I will take what I can get.
I don't know specifically about the one at your school, but it is absolutely worth going in and just seeing how they operate/how they can help you. and yeah, lots of them aren't open on weekends. They should have a crisis line if things get particularly bad, to talk you through stuff though, if that is a thing you need.
Well I can't say I honestly expected that to work.
Err wait
Go for it Zellpher, never doubted you for a second!
it's now 4pm on friday, and it's a long weekend. and there's still no phone call or email saying one way or another.
i am staring at the phone and continually refreshing my inbox.
and i'm anxiety eating.
luckily, i prepared myself for this by making sure the only edible anything in arms reach were cucumber and carrot chips.
but my fingertips are turning orange from the carrots.
ffffff call me. or do i call you. or what!!!
I have some people saying "call them, ask for a heads up!" I have others going "don't call them! You will seem overly anxious!'
But i AM overly anxious!
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
Also, one phone call when they promised to get back to you? Not even slightly anxious. Think about it this way. You're an important person. You've got a life to be getting on with and jobs to be applying for. You can't be dicking around waiting for them to MAYBE call you. They said by the end of the week? Then they should mean by the end of the week and not leave you hanging! It's rude!
called the company, the woman who did my interview and was supposed to get back to me was actually out of the office today on some unexpected leave (something happened?) and so wasn't able to get back to me. So the nice lady that I talked to (who i met when i was there for my 2 hour interview!) said that she'd let the first lady know and I'd probably hear back on tuesday.
Anxiety relieved. panic over. i can stop crying now.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
As for moving out: I think I've mentioned before that my parents are really traditional and expect me to live at home till I marry, barring college. I'd assumed they were soft on the idea so the first time I brought it up I wasn't expecting an outburst and argument. I think I'm gradually warming them to the idea but man, I'm not sure. Currently some family of ours is in a bind and everyone is in a tizzy over the eldest daughter turning 18 soon, because we all know she wants to leave (because they moved her into a rural town in a new state with zero opportunities and want her to work instead of school after graduating hs). They are colluding on all sorts of ways to keep the family physically together, which I just don't understand. She's turning 18 and absolutely needs to leave that place, her parents basically sabotaged her high school career by making her move during her senior year, so her transcripts and graduation time table are wrecked. She is going to have a very hard time graduating because of that and she may not be able to enter a 4-year college despite being a good student, and her family doesn't want her studying, they want her to work instead because they are poor. Her town is tiny and rural (its affiliated with industry, mining or oil fields, I forget), there is only a technical college (no community college), and you need a car to get anywhere, no public transportation. She won't be able to even find work without that car, and whatever she gets payed will be spent on the car and on her family since they expressly want her to work to support them, I don't see how she could possibly save enough to leave if she goes that route. So I told her to leave as soon as possible, I'd even be willing to partake in the cost of moving her away. But everyone else in the family is more concerned with keeping the family together; its really depressing that they are offering all sorts of advice to keep them together at greatest expense to my cousin. 'It's a shame and she'll have a hard time but they will be together'. It really highlights the rift in priorities between me and the rest of the family and gives me better insight into how they are viewing my situation and just, damn.
I am just bewildered and angered by that post and it is bolstered by the fact that I care about you a lot, Mitzi, so to see you held back in such a way frustrates me beyond belief.
seriously
seriously hate the emphasis of tradition dictating that blood ties are the most important thing
That makes one of us.
Now I got an appointment for April. Gonna re-calibrate the shit outta you, brain.