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Lunch with girl (best way to make my intentions clear)

carl_rogerscarl_rogers Registered User regular
edited February 2013 in Help / Advice Forum
Earlier this week I asked a girl from a local coffee shop near my work out to lunch. Ive talked to her on and off the last three months. Small chit-chat. She is really nice. She was quick to accept the idea and asked if i wanted her mobile phone number. Obviously i said yes.
So we organised to meet up for lunch for tomorrow (sunday).

Without wanting to jump the gun and assume things... but assuming all goes well tomorrow, how do i make it 100% clear to her that my intentions are that im interested in a relationship, not just friendship?
Example, if i was to ask her if she wanted to go for dinner and a movie next weekend, how do i make it clear its more than just a 'buddy catchup'? I dont expect her to commit to anything yet, but i want to at least make it clear where im hoping to go with all this.
I assume at the moment she knows what is going on. How many random guys ask a nice girl out to lunch to develop a 'friendship'? doesn't happen too often im guessing. Plus she has been texting me every day asking how my job is going.

I may seem to be worrying too much, but Ive had a few experiences in the past where i've developed too strong an emotional buddy friendship with girls and there was no chance of anything more of relationship. I dont have trouble talking to girls (far from it) i just have trouble advancing things to a date and from there, relationship level (its damn hard work for me).

any general advice regarding making things clear with someone that im 'interested in a ralationship' would be grateful

carl_rogers on

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    MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    Well, coming out and saying, "I want you to be my girlfriend" will make anyone balk as they may not feel the same way. Of course, not feeling the same way isn't the same as "doesn't like you" as they may not have made up their mind about you yet. But telling a person that you like them and want to spend more time with them goes a long way toward making your intentions clear without being pushy. If she likes you, she will most definitely spend more time with you. If she's not sure about you yet, she will probably go out with you again just because you're already familiar. If she doesn't like you, we'll, there's not much that can be done about that.

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    noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    Honestly, seeing all the threads that pop up where people get mixed signals, or ask similar questions, along with my own previous experiences is misreading signals or not jumping the gun in time, I would do a simple

    "Would you like to go out on a date [tomorrow/next saturday/etc].

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    FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    It is not good idea to be so quick and let a woman know you are looking for a girlfriend, you need to court her first, it is a ritual, so you must follow certain steps like getting to know her, asking her out, making her feel special and everything that goes with that.

    Gifts, flowers, etc.

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Fantasma wrote: »
    It is not good idea to be so quick and let a woman know you are looking for a girlfriend, you need to court her first, it is a ritual, so you must follow certain steps like getting to know her, asking her out, making her feel special and everything that goes with that.

    Gifts, flowers, etc.

    Yeah like a hundred years ago.

    Or you could go the less creepy sexist buy-your-way-in route and just be honest after lunch, if you have fun and it goes well.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    "Hey I'd love to date you, how about we have dinner on friday?"

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    Raif SeveranceRaif Severance Registered User regular
    So here are the facts:

    - Coffee shop girl agreed to go to lunch with you - a "random" patron which in and of itself is a good sign
    - She volunteered her phone number
    - Continues to text you

    It sounds to me she's definitely interested in you and you are overthinking things a bit. Don't be desperate and come off the way in which your post makes you out to be - "be my GF or get the F out!". I realize the friend-zone is a tough place to be but the girlfriend has the word "friend" in it for a reason. Take things slow, be yourself, and things will progress naturally.

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    bsjezzbsjezz Registered User regular
    there's no such thing as a 'friend zone.' if you like her that way and she likes you that way, things will work out.

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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    If you're comfortable with the idea, during your conversation with her at some point say something like "being single, I..." as a segue. Like "Oh, yeah last year I took a road trip to blah, but being single I had to enlist some friends to go along or else it would've been really boring."

    Just once is enough, and is a good opportunity to say that you're not currently in a relationship.

    Then, assuming you have a good time and do actually want to see her again, towards the end of the conversation it's also natural to say "Well, I had a really fun time, I'm glad you agreed to meet with me. I'd love to see you again, maybe [proposed date/time you're free] for [one-on-one activity]?" The activity can be anything, and arguably should be based on something you've talked about that you could do together.

    This is your first time meeting her not-at-work, I assume, so I wouldn't suggest coming on too strongly. But that doesn't mean you can't flirt, and it doesn't mean you can't talk about seeing her again. You do know how to gently flirt, right?

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    finralfinral Registered User regular
    I think you're over thinking things a bit. Asking her out to lunch followed by scheduling a dinner date is pretty clear as to what your intentions are, at least in my experience.

    Good luck.

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    Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Dude, she seems keen. Just take it easy, focus on having a good time with her.

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    Great ScottGreat Scott King of Wishful Thinking Paragon City, RIRegistered User regular
    In my personal experience, uninterested people do not give out phone numbers. For what to do next, what chrishallett83 said. Just don't forget to make your interest clear.

    I'm unique. Just like everyone else.
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    k-mapsk-maps I wish I could find the Karnaugh map for love. 2^<3Registered User regular
    I always think it's a bit silly to give general advice about this, because it really depends on how your meeting goes. If you click really well and have a lot of fun, then it shouldn't be difficult to segue to "hey, you want to go to the (new movie/restaurant/art show) next week?"

    If she had fun and is interested in you, it will NOT be difficult for you to ask her out again. In fact, it will be quite hard for you to "fuck it up" at this point. So just focus on having fun; if you do really well, she will ask you out. Every time I had luck with girls, they ended up doing at least half, if not most of the work in pursuing me. If it feels like a lot of effort, then she is probably not interested.

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    k-mapsk-maps I wish I could find the Karnaugh map for love. 2^<3Registered User regular
    edited February 2013
    I'd like to add that this is confusing and sometimes difficult to grasp, because usually you do have to put a lot of intentional effort in the things that you want. The reason this is different, is that the thing that you want isn't really a thing at all, but another living, breathing, thinking person. In this case, most of the effort has (hopefully) gone into the lifelong work of being the funny/interesting/cool person you are now. Unless taken to extremes, very little can be done in the short-term to change people's made-up opinions about you, be it negative or positive. This is almost as frustrating when it's positive as it is when it's negative, because if they do like you, it will seem like it is for completely arbitrary reasons that you don't have much control over either. Which, if you follow the same misguided mentality outlined above, makes it seem like you're getting a lot of positive attention "for free". (The downside of this is that they'll leave you as quickly as they start dating you for seemingly arbitrary reasons as well. But, that's for another thread...)

    k-maps on
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    EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Unless you're completely oblivious, it's going to be pretty obvious during the "date" whether she's interested or not. From the initial asking out though, it seems like you're in pretty good shape and she knows what she's getting into.

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    RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    If you're getting good vibes, at the end of your lunch you say something along the lines of:

    "You seem like a really interesting/fun/smart person, ________. I'd like to get to know you better. We should go on a date, maybe see a movie and get dinner?"

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    carl_rogerscarl_rogers Registered User regular
    Ok thanks so much for the advice folks.

    For the time being, i'll just focus on having a good time (im very confident she will) and then suggest another outing for next weekend.
    If it does go well, i may just end up talking about it honestly. She seems very open. Guess she'll either be keen or not.

    RocketSauce - actually something like that i may do. Thats a great way to make things clear!

    Anyway, i'll let you guys know how it goes, regardless of whether it goes good or bad D:

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    carl_rogerscarl_rogers Registered User regular
    Ok, wow, so things went totally unexpected. Turns out my intentions where clear after all and shes very keen to continue seeing me. Pretty much had lunch then coffee and went for a long walk. Talked about lots of things - never a dull moment!
    We've already set lunch for next weekend and we will organize dinner for an evening this week.
    Very strange that things went so smoothly.

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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    It's not strange. :)

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    It's not strange at all, it's normal. Sounds like you spent a lot of time trying to pursue relationships where the girl was not interested, so you got to thinking that is the normal way of doing things. That is also the way it works in most cheesy romantic comedies. If it is going to work out, it generally works more like your coffee shop date - you can't force romance.

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    TOGSolidTOGSolid Drunk sailor Seattle, WashingtonRegistered User regular
    Very strange that things went so smoothly.

    That's actually how it normally works with people that you click well with. The biggest mistake people make when pursuing a relationship is that they get really worked up over the whole thing and try to force the situation. Then either they actually do hook up with the person they were trying way too hard with and end up miserable or get totally shut down and go into the usual "oh woe is me, I'm so single and lonely" mode. The reality is that the harder you have to try, the more likely it is the attempt at a relationship is going to fail. Just stay chill about the whole "dating and relationships" thing and everything will work out. You'll end up far happier than the people who go through tons of shitty relationships in the relentless pursuit of not being lonely.

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    Mego ThorMego Thor "I say thee...NAY!" Registered User regular
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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    This thread warms my heart.

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    carl_rogerscarl_rogers Registered User regular
    Well, even better, shes coming over my house this weekend and i'm making her dinner!

    Togsolid - Thanks for the tips. i'll make sure I keep that in mind. I'll just focus on having a good time and let it play out in a cool relaxed manner.
    Sounds like you spent a lot of time trying to pursue relationships where the girl was not interested

    ^This. i did that with my best friend for a long time, and took even longer to get over it.

    Anyway, thanks for the advice people. Really appreciate it.

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