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Confessing a large lie to a spouse.
astrobstrd
So full of mercy...Registered User regular
So full of mercy...Registered User regular
So today I plan on letting my wife of nearly two years know that I have been lying to her for at least three. I would ideally like to do this with the aid of a counselor, but things are coming to a head and I only have at most a day or two to confess before she finds out.
I suffer from pretty severe depression that I had deluded myself into believing wasn't as bad as it was. I have told her that I have been in counseling, but in reality, I just made my first appointment. For the past 5 months she believes that I have been attending an online university for teaching certification. I am not. In fact I did not even finish my last quarter of school 3 years ago. I have been paralyzed by guilt and depression. Today we are going to discuss taxes and finances which will make it extremely obvious that I have withheld from her.
I have prepared a written statement that apologizes extensively for my behavior and confesses all of my lies. I tend to abandon reason when I get emotional and I do not expect to be able to function very well after I give the confession, as in I may have to go to the emergency room to stop myself from hurting myself or worse.
Does anyone have any advice in this situation either as a former confessor, confessee, or mental health professional? I am starting to suffer some pretty bad anxiety attacks, so any advice is appreciated and I can hopefully try to give any missing details to folks if they have questions.
Here is my confession, with a few personal details removed:
I suffer from pretty severe depression that I had deluded myself into believing wasn't as bad as it was. I have told her that I have been in counseling, but in reality, I just made my first appointment. For the past 5 months she believes that I have been attending an online university for teaching certification. I am not. In fact I did not even finish my last quarter of school 3 years ago. I have been paralyzed by guilt and depression. Today we are going to discuss taxes and finances which will make it extremely obvious that I have withheld from her.
I have prepared a written statement that apologizes extensively for my behavior and confesses all of my lies. I tend to abandon reason when I get emotional and I do not expect to be able to function very well after I give the confession, as in I may have to go to the emergency room to stop myself from hurting myself or worse.
Does anyone have any advice in this situation either as a former confessor, confessee, or mental health professional? I am starting to suffer some pretty bad anxiety attacks, so any advice is appreciated and I can hopefully try to give any missing details to folks if they have questions.
Here is my confession, with a few personal details removed:
I find it hard to think about what I need to tell you and how I will go about doing it, so I have prepared this written statement. What I am about to say is very difficult for me to express and I imagine even more difficult to hear. I ask that you allow me to finish before you speak and I cannot promise that I will be lucid in my answers afterward as emotion tends to drain my ability to reason. Know that I love you very much and you are my world. I have read that the right way to do this is with a counselor to mediate, but I don’t think we have the time for that right now. I am seeing my counselor on the 20th and I can arrange then for a meeting for both of us if that is what we decide to do going forward.
I have been non-functionally depressed for a few months now. I spend my days keeping myself distracted and avoiding the looming issues in my life that I have created. I have not made a plan to kill myself, but it is something I think about in different ways nearly every day. I have thought about dropping my identity and running. I am short of breath, guilty, anxious, and have horrible insomnia. I feel paralyzed, but depression is horrible in that in some ways it is a familiar comfort. Rather than dealing with it, I have been denying it and therefore enabling it. This brings me to one of the lies I need to confess to you with my sincerest apologies. It has been hard for me to seek help even though every sign in my life tells me that I need it. My appointment on the 20th is my first appointment. I have not been going for the past few months. I think that I thought by telling you I was going to go, it would force me to action. It has not until two days ago. I need serious help and most likely some sort of medication. After this discussion, I may have to check myself in somewhere to stop myself from bringing harm to myself.
The primary source of all of this is self-inflicted by a horrible lie that I have told everyone in my life. This is something I never thought I was capable of, but once I did it, spiraled out of control and took over my life. It was dumb and cruel, and now it threatens my relationship with everyone I love. I need to state again how sorry I am before I state this. I never graduated from college. I thought I would be done in winter quarter of ’09-’10, but I failed two classes. I tried to take classes in spring quarter to finish while you were away for 3 months, but between work, my lack of focus, and saying goodbye to friends and family before I moved, I did not finish the classes I needed. This is when I should have confessed, but I was weak, afraid, and did not want to admit to my lie, not only to you, but to my family who swelled with pride for me.
I should have just enrolled in school immediately, but I never knew how to do it without admitting I hadn lied to you. This led me to tell more and more lies. I looked into programs, but I never applied for schools here. I have applied for financial aid, but I never actually enrolled at my online school. I fully intended to do the combined English and certification program, but again, I have been paralyzed by self-doubt and by knowing that eventually I would have to explain to you why my program was taking longer than anticipated and why I was reading Lit books for a teaching program. I have spent my days instead having anxiety attacks, occasionally looking for work, and keeping myself distracted with a constant stream of games and media.
I do not ask you to forgive me. I do not know how I would react to hearing this news in your position. I do not know if I would be capable of forgiving someone for so many lies and casting us into debt. I only want you to know that you have all of my love and that I will do everything in my power to regain your trust and to make our marriage work. You are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, and what has stopped me from telling you this earlier is a profound fear of losing you. That said, I cannot ask you to bear this burden and I know that you value honesty and forthrightness above almost everything else. If you need me to leave, I can.
.I have been non-functionally depressed for a few months now. I spend my days keeping myself distracted and avoiding the looming issues in my life that I have created. I have not made a plan to kill myself, but it is something I think about in different ways nearly every day. I have thought about dropping my identity and running. I am short of breath, guilty, anxious, and have horrible insomnia. I feel paralyzed, but depression is horrible in that in some ways it is a familiar comfort. Rather than dealing with it, I have been denying it and therefore enabling it. This brings me to one of the lies I need to confess to you with my sincerest apologies. It has been hard for me to seek help even though every sign in my life tells me that I need it. My appointment on the 20th is my first appointment. I have not been going for the past few months. I think that I thought by telling you I was going to go, it would force me to action. It has not until two days ago. I need serious help and most likely some sort of medication. After this discussion, I may have to check myself in somewhere to stop myself from bringing harm to myself.
The primary source of all of this is self-inflicted by a horrible lie that I have told everyone in my life. This is something I never thought I was capable of, but once I did it, spiraled out of control and took over my life. It was dumb and cruel, and now it threatens my relationship with everyone I love. I need to state again how sorry I am before I state this. I never graduated from college. I thought I would be done in winter quarter of ’09-’10, but I failed two classes. I tried to take classes in spring quarter to finish while you were away for 3 months, but between work, my lack of focus, and saying goodbye to friends and family before I moved, I did not finish the classes I needed. This is when I should have confessed, but I was weak, afraid, and did not want to admit to my lie, not only to you, but to my family who swelled with pride for me.
I should have just enrolled in school immediately, but I never knew how to do it without admitting I hadn lied to you. This led me to tell more and more lies. I looked into programs, but I never applied for schools here. I have applied for financial aid, but I never actually enrolled at my online school. I fully intended to do the combined English and certification program, but again, I have been paralyzed by self-doubt and by knowing that eventually I would have to explain to you why my program was taking longer than anticipated and why I was reading Lit books for a teaching program. I have spent my days instead having anxiety attacks, occasionally looking for work, and keeping myself distracted with a constant stream of games and media.
I do not ask you to forgive me. I do not know how I would react to hearing this news in your position. I do not know if I would be capable of forgiving someone for so many lies and casting us into debt. I only want you to know that you have all of my love and that I will do everything in my power to regain your trust and to make our marriage work. You are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me, and what has stopped me from telling you this earlier is a profound fear of losing you. That said, I cannot ask you to bear this burden and I know that you value honesty and forthrightness above almost everything else. If you need me to leave, I can.
Selling the Scream Podcast: https://anchor.fm/jeremy-donaldson
astrobstrd on
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And for your part, you will have to give up a certain level of atonomy if she decides to stay with you, are you prepaired to ceed control of certain aspects of your life?
Also be prepaired to have a backup plan if you get the boot.
I think my father and my step-mother would not take me in after this and also would involve getting cross-country.
In fact it should probably have you asking for forgiveness, not specifically not asking for it. Forgiveness is what you want.
If you should leave it will quickly become apparent.
but they're listening to every word I say
Also, you stated that you've had suicidal ideation regarding this. A good way to deal with this is to think about the worst case scenario. She might decide that she can't trust you and wants you to leave. If that's the case, you have two options of places you can go, and your situation will actually be better in many ways. You won't have to feel guilty about lying to someone or having to jump through hoops to regain their trust, and since you are looking for work either way, that situation remains the same. You would lose someone you care about, but you would also no longer be hurting her by lying to her and being a burden. Your worst case scenario is actually BETTER than the status quo. Ideally, she'll forgive you and support you in your battle with depression as well as your search for work, and that may happen. Either way, you should feel better after doing the right thing. Lying to someone you care about is a tough burden and the first step to getting rid of that it taking responsibility.
Finally, you should think about this with the 2 days, 2 months, 2 years rule. How will you feel about the results of this in 2 days, 2 months, and 2 years? Even if the worst happens and you have to move home with your parents, you'll eventually find work and get back out on your own and meet someone new. These are not insurmountable problems.
In my mind, however, if there were ever going to be an 'out' for being dishonest, it would sound something like "I've been dealing with some pretty serious depression for the last couple of years and am at risk of self-harm or worse."
Depression is a real motherfucker, dude. I'm glad you're finally getting some professional help.
Hopefully your partner will want to help you get through this.
"I fucked up a few months of schooling (easily fixable) and am a couple of months late to counselling (shit, at least you're going now)."
vs.
"I'm actually a foreign implanted agent working as a political assassin, also I have an entire second family with wife and kids and sell a bit of meth on the side."
@bean23: I did make a 2 day/month/year list and while it was short, it did help me I think. Thanks for that suggestion.
This is kind of the nature of depression, so it's not like you have an immense personal moral failing. Reading the thread title I assumed this was going to be about cheating or stealing or something along those lines, but from your posts it doesn't seem as if your actions have affected anyone except yourself.
Good luck.
Please give an update after the dust settles to let people know where you're at. Hopelessness tends to increase the more alone you feel, and while I'm no professional psychologist, I know one, and I'm sure others on the forum do, too. You're not the first person to feel like this, and there are absolutely ways (and people) to help.
In the end, you can only do and say so much to keep her on your side. After that, it is her call. If she sticks with you through it all, great! That's fantastic! If, for some reason, she doesn't, well that sucks but you'll be able to keep on trucking. In the end, the important thing is you and your own mental welfare. Do what you need to do to achieve it in a healthy way if she is there for your during the process or not.
I like this idea: read it to her aloud instead of making her read it, as it's far easier to convey sincerity the way you intended when you wrote it, rather than risking her inferring the wrong tone... if there is one, that is.
I know it's going to be really hard and it's going to take every ounces of your mental strength but
Stay strong
This will be here until I receive an apology or Weedlordvegeta get any consequences for being a bully
Start simple with something like "For the last several months I have been deeply depressed, it has caused me to neglect seeking my teaching certification."
I am still on edge and feeling pretty worthless, but at least I have help for now. I think she was more hurt by my little lies than the big ones and it will probably take a long time to rebuild any sort of trust. Thanks to everyone who read and commented, it was very helpful.
This, man, this. You've got an ally in this. Don't forget that.