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Making Friends
Talka
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I don't have any friends in my city (see this post).
Some background: I'm a 24-year old male living in San Francisco. I had a good social circle in college. After graduation, my friends scattered across the country. I ended up in a San Francisco apartment with a Craigslist roommate. I made a few efforts at joining my roommate's group of friends, but we never clicked. I've tried to befriend my coworkers, but I haven't made it past the professional-work-buddy stage with any of them.
I had one college friend in the city, but I've fallen out with him over the past two years. I've invited him to maybe a dozen social outings over the past two years, and he hasn't accepted a single offer. I haven't gotten a single invite from him. I've given up on that friendship.
My question is: how do you make friends when you're alone in a city? I've had zero success. I've taken tennis lessons and golf lessons. I've been to a few alumni events. I've tried two different gyms. I've done random one-off events (e.g., cooking lessons, wine tastings). I've tutored at a local school. People seem "friendly" but uninterested in becoming friends. I've done online dating and been on a bunch of dates but haven't formed any serious relationships.
Sometimes I'll find an event online that seems like it could be fun (like a meetup.com thing), and I'll either 1) not go because I don't want to be the guy showing up alone, or 2) I'll go and be awkward and miserable as the guy who showed up alone. I can't shake the feeling that you need friends in order to make friends.
Any ideas? My current efforts have been focused on:
Some background: I'm a 24-year old male living in San Francisco. I had a good social circle in college. After graduation, my friends scattered across the country. I ended up in a San Francisco apartment with a Craigslist roommate. I made a few efforts at joining my roommate's group of friends, but we never clicked. I've tried to befriend my coworkers, but I haven't made it past the professional-work-buddy stage with any of them.
I had one college friend in the city, but I've fallen out with him over the past two years. I've invited him to maybe a dozen social outings over the past two years, and he hasn't accepted a single offer. I haven't gotten a single invite from him. I've given up on that friendship.
My question is: how do you make friends when you're alone in a city? I've had zero success. I've taken tennis lessons and golf lessons. I've been to a few alumni events. I've tried two different gyms. I've done random one-off events (e.g., cooking lessons, wine tastings). I've tutored at a local school. People seem "friendly" but uninterested in becoming friends. I've done online dating and been on a bunch of dates but haven't formed any serious relationships.
Sometimes I'll find an event online that seems like it could be fun (like a meetup.com thing), and I'll either 1) not go because I don't want to be the guy showing up alone, or 2) I'll go and be awkward and miserable as the guy who showed up alone. I can't shake the feeling that you need friends in order to make friends.
Any ideas? My current efforts have been focused on:
- Moving out of my apartment and finding a roommate with my interests. I've been looking at Craigslist ads for a few weeks but haven't found a place that's nice with roommates that seem cool.
- Weaseling in on my coworkers' social circles. I've gotten the five young people in the company to agree to monthly drinks. Maybe it'll go from there.
- Physical activity. Just joined a new "social"-style gym. Also training for a half-marathon (by myself, but it's something).
- Online dating.
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Making friends is all about increasing your surface area to social situations with people who share your interests. As someone who was uprooted three times to move to a different country/state as a kid and as an adult, I've struggled with this issue a lot. Paradoxically, even though humans are social creatures, and having friends is as essential to your well-being as food and shelter, setting out with the goal of "making friends" is almost always counter-productive. Always set out with some personal goal you want to achieve, such as getting exercise, watching some new awesome movie, etc. This way, you have a good pretext to being out, which immediately makes you more interesting and less awkward than the guy who's just there to meet new people. I'm not saying that you do that, but it's definitely something to keep in mind. The best part in that strategy, is that if things do fall through, then at least you've done something else that's productive with your time.
It's also very hard to make friends in a "one-off" event; all the friends I have were almost always tied to some consistent gathering of some sort, such as a school or a club. It seems you are scatter-shot trying a lot of things, but is there any activity you attend consistently? I don't even know how I would manage to make friends unless it was with people I see on a somewhat regular basis, but that might just be my own social ineptitude. Since I always had school as a crutch, I'm not really sure how to answer this question for someone outside of that setting. Maybe someone else could answer this: how do adults meet new people? I feel like this is a hard question a lot of people struggle with.
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
If you are capturing people in small talk, but never getting beyond that, be the one to suggest something. You can say "I was thinking of getting a group together to do ____" so if you are talking to one person it doesn't feel to date like (if that's not what you are going for). So "I was thinking about getting a group together and checking out this new bar" may lead to a yes, or an "Oh I see you are open for "things to do with groups" may I suggest this?"
You also wont always just click with people in a few meetings like you did in college. Give it some time, but also, looking at your wisdom teeth post, you may need to worry a little less about being open with the people around you. I mean, sure, I don't really want to be knocked out around a co-worker, but it is sometimes those awkward situations that bring people closer together. Being super private and easily embarrassed is not as welcoming as being a little open about your situation. "I still feel new to the city" Is not a crazy starting point for a conversation, letting yourself feel a little vulnerable will help people help you.
What are you truly interested in? You've tried a bunch of different events, but are you really interested in those things? When you go to things that you are truly enthusiastic about, you're bound to find people of like mindedness. Conversation tends to flow more easily, and that awkwardness of not knowing anyone tends to not be there or at least to a lesser extent.
Since you're training for a marathon, how about a running group? Maybe a local Running Room?
This could be fun. How does this work? Will some already-formed team be interested in someone who's never played kickball latching on halfway through a season?
I've always struggled with this question. There's plenty of stuff I like: video games, board games, nerdy fantasy stuff (LotR, GoT), movies, sports, comedy, travel, alcohol, etc. But I've never thought of those things as "passions." They're just things I enjoy. And I'm struggled (obviously) turning those interests into recurring social events. Any ideas?
I like this idea and am looking into it. Someone also just sent me a message about maybe going for a run sometime, which is awesome. I hadn't considered running as a oppurtunity to meet people.
Yes, the tutoring has been all one-on-one, with very few opportunities to interact with the other tutors. Any ideas for other volunteer work? I gave this some thought a few months ago and tutoring was all I came up with. Maybe volunteering at a hospital? I don't even know where to start with that.
There's a gaming store that has boardgames and tabletop gaming stuff called Gamescape on Divisidero near Oak. They have a calender of events here: http://www.gamescapesf.com/events it looks like they've got board game nights every Monday, as well as other stuff like D&D Encounters and Warhammer if you're into those things, so you could maybe check that out?
Yeah, that's most of what the leagues are. At least here in Denver anyway. There are some guys and teams that take it waaaaay too seriously, but it's easy to spot them and just kinda let them do their thing. It's much more fun when everyone has a beer-in-hand and you're just kinda messing around.
Basically you can sign up with an established team, make your own team, or as a free agent and you are assigned a team by the league. Just join as a free agent and you'll be put on a roster and that's it. It's kinda pricey, like 60 bucks I think, but that includes your uniform and usually a few free drinks at a local bar.
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
Hmmmm, are you interested in continuing your education? :-P
Seriously though, taking classes in something that you're interested in is a great way to meet new people. I see universities as the secular man's church/temple/mosque. Normally, these places would serve as a community center and where you would find your friends (still are), but for me they have too many bad associations and I'd also rather learn something that is useful with my time (sorry :-P).
A lot of universities offer classes where you don't have to be a degree-seeking full-time student to enroll. Could be expensive, but well-worth your time.
It might be worth your time to look into a community college, courses should be cheaper and they tend to have a wider age range of students. Though, if you're going solely for social reasons, try not to pick classes that you might disrupt unintentionally. Something like a low level art class or creative writing would be good. A mid level bio-chemistry course? Not so much.
I got an offer tonight to move in to a new apartment with a new roommate. When my prospective roommate interviewed me, I didn't mention my social situation. I didn't lie and say I have tons of friends... but I did give off the (false) impression that I had my own social circle.
At one point, my prospective roommate told me about the other candidates he was considering. He said one candidate was fresh off the plane and didn't know anyone in the city. That worried him, because he wants to meet people through his new roommate (as opposed to just introducing his new roommate to his friends). I said that made sense but did not explain that I am in the same situation.
I was offered the room but feel I should decline. I need to decide by tomorrow. I'm torn between two thoughts: 1) the realistic assessment that this might not be a great fit, and 2) a belief that I need to "fake it 'till I make it," as it were. Any advice?
EDIT: Woke up this morning and am even more convinced I should turn down the offer. I need to think of a way of conveying my situation while still sounding like someone fun to live with.
Seriously, it sounds cliche but that site changed my life. I was in a similar situation, had moved into a city and knew no one. Had no idea how to go about meeting people once I was out of college, and for various reasons I couldn't hang out with people at work. So I gave the site a chance, joining a couple of groups. Three years later not only do I run my own group but I have a huge circle of friends, and that best thing is that we're a really varied bunch. This weekend alone I had a friday happy hour, ran a 5k, ate dim sum and went outdoor rock climbing all day on Sunday, all with people I met throught the site.
It's an awesome way to make friends because 1) Most people are in the same situation as you are and 2) The activities will make things easier than just random meetings.
EDIT: Somehow skipped the line where you mentioned having trying it and your concerns with it. So here's my advise:
Regarding one, as mentioned below, tons of people show up on meetup by themselves (the majority actually). They're there for the same reason as you..wanting to meet people and make friends. It's always fun at a meetup trying to figure out who's there for the actual event (usually they look lost and not sure if they should be there), so don't worry about that.
Also, it may be that you haven't come across the right groups. It took me a couple tries until I found a group that I settled into and made friends. It'll be hard, since any group that's been doing it for a while will be a bit clickish (since they been doing events together) but they'll also be welcoming to new members. You're going to have to put effor though, as an organizer for my group I always try to make sure everyone is interacting and I try to talk to every new member for a bit, but sometimes there's that guy or girl who is just off by themselves and not making an effort to talk to anyone. Those honestly don't last, because no one wants to feel as it's an effort making conversation with someone.
Between this and the roommate interview, I would really like to restate the "be a little vulnerable" advice. I mean, that guy may not have wanted you as a roomie had you admitted you were in the same situation, but I would try to break the habit of omitting that you are looking for more social connections. I mean, that is exactly what that guy is doing, hes saying "Im looking for some expansion of my social circle, and I'm interested in a roomate that can help with that" and being upfront and honest about it.
It won't always work, but if you aren't asking people to hang out, or suggesting places to go, they don't have much of a way of knowing that you aren't a dude with a circle of friends whos just doing some one off thing by himself. Suggest that you are open to do things by asking people if they want to come do stuff. Few people are extroverted enough to turn casual conversation into invites to activities, but for the most part, every one enjoys invites to activities, even if they often decline. Making yourself seem more open will better position yourself for making social connections.
Youth church groups are good if you are religious.
It's not really about how honest you are, it's about your attitude. Think of how stand-up comedians are able to talk about the most dreadful, depraved things in their lives and still manage to sound funny or fun to hang out with (although, probably not recommended). Having just come out of a breakup which absolutely destroyed me, I've been super open with people about my situation. People tend to actually respond pretty well because even though I'm dead on the inside, instead of openly wallowing in sadness which would make them uncomfortable, I use it as a source of humor, and often make myself the butt of the joke (e.g., exaggerate feelings of loneliness, tongue-in-cheek talk about my failed attempts at a rebound relationship, etc.)
Not saying you have to be this sardonic, self-deprecating, d-bag that I am (although it seems to work for me), but just if you exude confidence the details of your life don't really matter that much to people.
Oh, by the way, most people show up alone to Meetup.com stuff, so you won't get any stigma there. After all the whole point of the site is to grow your real-life social circle. The kind of people who can't go anywhere without six "besties" in tow are not likely to be on it. The process of showing up is actually quite amusing as everyone eyes each other to try and figure out whether they are the kind of people likely to be interested in Shadowrun or whatever. You need to have a sense of humour about it! (and if you set up the group, bring a sign)
That doesn't mean they want you to have a billion friends, or even a couple friends. They're trying to protect themselves from you being clingy, which is why how you approach it is important (as mentioned above). You saying you have your own social circle is fine, because it's true. It's just that your circle has moved away from SF and you're also looking for new friends. You're not planning on just stealing all of your rommate's friends, so I don't think you need to decline the offer at all. Your situation is a far cry from someone who's just arrived from overseas with literally no connections (and, depending on where they came from, not the best grasp on English).
I have used Meetup.com for activities and while I haven't made any friends from it (I only do a local soccer meetup when the weather is nice), I consider those people my friends and I look forward to the activity. It's not always about having someone you can hang out with one-on-one, but having a mix of activities will help you make other friends down the road. You're in SF so you also have a local Zog Sports chapter, which costs more money but runs for a whole season and is focused on socializing and having fun (in addition to the activities). I have made more actual friends in Zog Sports compared to Meetup, and the happy hours are encouraged which makes it much more natural.
I haven't seen this stated explicitly but it bears being pointed out: Making friends is HARD. You have to be around people with similar interests, and when you're around them your personalities have to click. And then you need to coordinate future activities and work out schedules all in a casual way, and you have no prior history with these people that you can fall back on. Most people keep a stable of friends based on past relationships, such as school friends, and then friends of friends, that doesn't really involve brand new people.
If I could break it down to a science, it seems the best way to make friends is to be in social situations where you can tell stories that involve where you've been and what you've done. Although I find my life boring, I know that it's unique as I'm the only one who's lived it. As I've gotten older, I find it more natural to talk about living in previous cities, moving, jobs, and so on, and that helps in getting people to be more "friend-like." But I also realize that I bring my own prejudices to the table -- I don't follow/care about spectator sports, I'm an atheist, etc. -- and I know that others do when viewing me, as well.