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Afraid A Date I Thought Went Well Actually Didn't
Hexmage-PA
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I went on the first date I'd been on in about six years (and the fourth one I've ever had) yesterday. I already suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, so I was so nervous that I was shaking a bit during the first half hour or so of our date (I tried to hide it as best I could). By the end of it, though, I felt much better; I asked her if she wanted to do anything else, but she was sleepy and had work in the morning. I didn't kiss her or put my arm around her or anything, but I thought about it (on the phone later my cousin and my dad said it was probably best not to do that on the first date). She told me I could pick the movie next time (implying there would be a next time). So I got home and drank a few beers and thought about her and wondered if she was thinking about me. I felt great.
Then I saw where she put an update on Facebook a few hours later that had an image macro saying "if you say you love her you don't put her through bullshit". I know she lives with a relative who is engaged and could be talking about something the fiancee did, but that seems like a big coincidence. My first thought was to send her a text asking if something's wrong, but I haven't.
Is it likely she posted that in reference to me? If so, what did I do wrong?.What should I have done? What can I do now?
Then I saw where she put an update on Facebook a few hours later that had an image macro saying "if you say you love her you don't put her through bullshit". I know she lives with a relative who is engaged and could be talking about something the fiancee did, but that seems like a big coincidence. My first thought was to send her a text asking if something's wrong, but I haven't.
Is it likely she posted that in reference to me? If so, what did I do wrong?.What should I have done? What can I do now?
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Oh and don't send her any text about it, that's going way overboard, will probably come off as creepy. What you do is nothing. Plan your next date and that should be your next communication with her. In other words, ignore her update, because it's almost certainly not to do with you.
Sane people don't post personal Facebook statuses that sound like they should be private messages. It really sounds like a generic statement that she happens to agree with.
Also if it doesn't work out, don't blame yourself. People are just sometimes incompatible no matter what you do.
I hope you're right, but it's a really unhappy coincidence that she posted that not even four hours later. It was definitely enough to kill my buzz.
1. Its Facebook... you can post anything without it being related.
2. Well, the cause 0 exposed before, that kind of things are not posted on facebook, if it was related to you, its doesnt make sense to post it, rather talk it with her friends or those kind of things, dont worry, just be yourself and keep talking, a second date doesnt harm, I had a what I feel like a terrible first day a couple of days ago, and still, the second chance was given, so, stay put, dont trouble yourself with those thoughts, good luck man
It's been my experience that the third date is the time you should be on the lookout for hand-holding/arm-draping behavior. My go to move is to hold my elbow out for her to take when leaving wherever it is we were. It's innocent enough to let her to feel comfortable and if she doesn't accept, it's easy to shrug off.
(I am probably horribly wrong about this, though, so salt to taste.)
Honestly, this is something you just get a feel for through experience, but there are ways to detect it earlier. Basically, you want to send signals that you are interested in intimacy and she how she responds. This is called "flirting" and doing it well requires confidence. Experience breeds confidence, but until you get that experience, the best advice is to "fake it 'til you make it". This doesn't mean feeding her corny lines or saying things nervously like an adolescent in a bad sitcom. Instead, it means showing a sincere interest in her, giving genuine compliments, and looking at her longingly.
You can also substitute practice for experience. Get in front of your mirror and come up with three compliments you genuinely feel about her and practice saying them in a sincere and friendly way. If your image in the mirror looks nervous or it looks like "a line", keep practicing. If you are up to it, say things that you'd like to say to her but would be too nervous to say in reality, like, "I'm going to kiss you now. If you plan on stopping me, now's the time." Personally, I even have a great come-hither look that tells a girl exactly what I'm interested in, but in a non-offensive way. It's a shy half-second look over followed by a slight half-second moistening of my lips that morphs into a shy half-grin. I learned it from watching Ryan Gosling and it is awesome. Now, I don't expect you to have the confidence to pull any of these things off when you are so new to the dating game, but what practicing them will do is help you build that confidence so that you aren't as much of a nervous wreck on your date. Whatever choice you do decide to make in the way of flirting will be far more comfortable to you than the advanced moves you practiced.
You're currently interpreting things as negative, which is going to affect how well you pick up on positive messages on future dates. I mean, why do you think something you did, or something related to you, caused her to post up her image? If you agree with the sentiment and you interact with her on facebook, why not "like" her image? And then don't put her through bullshit if your relationship develops? However, her generic facebook post is nothing to really discuss with her; I have friends who post random dumb image macros constantly. It's not their personality, just something they agree with.
Whether or not it's about something recent, it's not about you.
She sounds like she was open to a second date; back when I was still dating around, I wouldn't have said "next time, you pick the movie!" to a guy I was not interested in seeing again.
I would ignore Facebook image macros as a means of testing date effectiveness. I think your first impression of how your date went is way more accurate than your second guessing after the fact.
Uncanny Magazine!
The Mad Writers Union
First off, it's your first date...if it didn't work out, who cares? A minor setback to be sure, but not something worth losing sleep over. This overly anxious attitude is not going to help you in wooing her. You need to be healthily ambivalent at this point.
About intimacy? There are tons of contextual signs about when to initiate physical contact, we just seem to excel at being oblivious to them. A big one though is space. You can usually tell if she is interested if she is comfortable entering more of your personal space and vice versa. Like if you were sitting on a couch, and she sits up fairly close to you (and it is a date!), I think it means she's not going to be disgusted with the idea of you putting your arm over her.
You also have to remember that if she agreed to go out on a date with you, in most cases that means she wouldn't be repulsed at the thought of you kissing her. Given, of course, that the date went well. It's all about context and not being blind to body language cues.
Haha, yeaaahh.... that is pretty dumb. I was going in with the assumption that he wants to date this person. But, OP, you sure you want this? Even if it's not directed towards you, it's not the best quality. This is the "healthy ambivalence" I'm talking about.
Some people just post random shit to facebook, oftentimes because other people post the same random shit. A few hours later is like a lifetime on the internet. Don't overthink things, just enjoy what awesome times you two have together.
Or maybe, you know, an in-joke she shares with someone?
Then he's dating someone who things stupid meaningless passive-aggressive one-liner images about being put through crap makes for hilarity.
Or maybe you can not make snap judgements on people based on a single anecdote?
I'm sorry ceres, although I hugely respect the excellent advice you've given over many threads, I think you're being just a little bit hasty on this one. Extrapolating from a single data point on all that.
And I say mostly because the people I know who post any of that sort of crap are the most annoying people on my list, and they post LOTS of it, and they all mean it, and they're also the same people who post passive-aggressive status updates about how you are never there for me, you've betrayed my trust, I am through with you Unnamed Person who clearly should know who you are, and follow it up with another image of a sunset and a saying about how best friends are willing to put up with wave after wave of toxic bullshit from you and never get tired of it and ask nothing in return.
I certainly do not expect that the OP would take any kind of advice based on that half-joke alone, and it wouldn't even be a smart thing to do. But if I saw a bunch of that stuff on a prospective partner's facebook after my experience watching others on my list, I'd be like "nah." Then again, it's also the sort of thing that bothers me, and is possibly not the sort of thing that will bother Hexmage.
What sort of things do people do on dates? We don't exactly live in a happenin' place. She said she likes photography, and I kind of do too; should I find a place that would be fun to photograph and invite her? She also said she likes movies, but she also insisted on paying for herself at the theater when we went (despite acting like she doesn't have much spare cash). I could invite her to my place to watch a DVD, but it's probably too soon for that (and what if she doesn't like it?). I know she likes to play pool and there are pool tables where she works, but I have very, very little experience playing pool and am afraid I would make a fool of myself.
As for date #2, go ahead and ask her when she's up for it, and by all means ask her if she wants to come over for dinner and a movie. There really aren't any 'tricks' or, in my opinion, 'right'/'wrong' ways to do a date. When you met her for date #1, she very likely decided whether or not she likes you (I'd bet on 'yes', given she asked for date #2), and at that point just about any reasonable dating suggestion should be gravy.
Oh, and if you're not sure if she's comfortable with you touching her during the date, just straight up ask.
And as someone who has anxiety too, don't try getting in her head. I know you will despite what we say, but don't look at the movies and go "she'd like this one / she wouldn't like this one / she'd like this one but I'd be miserable..." Go into it open minded, with the intent of showing her a good time. You are still really, REALLY early in the relationship, so you don't know her head nearly as much as you think you do. Ignore the voices. Have options, and don't second guess yourself.
You can be open to doing other activities but be honest about your attitude toward them (e.g., "pool could be fun, but I'm inexperienced. Don't be surprised if I accidentally impale someone with my cue"). Ok, you don't have to be a tool, but a light joke could go a long way in cutting through awkwardness. Don't worry about your pool skillz. if you have adequately good sense of humor about it, and don't mind getting owned, then it will be fine. You don't have to be awesome at everything to impress your date.
Be flexible about plans...the best dates I've had were a string of serendipitous activities. For example, if you find yourself reminiscing about a shared favorite movie, invite her over to your place to watch the DVD afterwards ;-).
It's about the same as sarcasm.
As for when to do romantic jimmywiggers like hand holding and smooching, that's entirely up to the person. You've got to keep your eyes out for the signs. Generally awkward pauses at the end of a date are expectations for a kiss. More touching in general, hand holding, leaning up against you.
You can always ask, though that can be super awkward and off putting. The way you want to do it is use it in a threateningly playful way. If you do X again I might have to kiss you because you're so cute. But that's a really awkward way to go about it, and again, might be super off putting. But it all depends on your age, your relationship history (if you're both 30+ I'd expect it on the 2nd rather than 3rd or 4th).
I know she likes books; maybe we could go to a book store (although that would bring me back to the money issue...). There's also the problem that we might be interested in different types of books; would it be okay for us to split up and look at separate sections of the store for at least a little while, or should I stick close to her the whole time? I know going to a bookstore seems like a very limited idea, but it takes at least 20 to 30 minutes to get to a bookstore or a movie theater or anything. I guess we could go to more than one store, time permitting, and get something to eat.
I probably need to clarify that I've never been very social, and most of the times I did go out with friends I never went with just one other person. I'd always been afraid that I wouldn't be able to hold a conversation by myself, so I relied on having at least two people with me so that I could guarantee they could keep each other occupied. I will admit that this is probably just my anxiety talking, seeing as I didn't have much of a problem talking to my date the other day.
I've already been consulting my doctor: I'm taking three different medications for anxiety, but I really don't know how much they affect me. My doctor says she thinks I need to consult a therapist, but I did that before, and for that to work I really need to be willing to go outside my comfort zone (which I was by going out on this first date in the first place; I can still hardly believe it actually happened). My doctor has already upped the dose of one of my medications and is having me try another one to take along with the others. She says that there are other drugs available, but that she hesitates to prescribe them because they can be habit forming.
I really wish I could have a drink; alcohol helps me loosen up more than my anxiety medication does. However, I wouldn't want to drink and drive, and unless I went out with my date on a Friday or Saturday I would have to go to work at 9:30 PM.
Right now I feel like my main problem is coming up with a date idea and convincing myself that it will be a good one.
If she's into things like books she might be into things like concerts and museums and art. I'm sure there must be an art gallery or museum in the area. Or even a concert. This is where you should find out the kinds of things she likes to do in her free time, hobbies, that kind of stuff. If you didn't find that out on the first date, it's going to be harder because you are going to need to go somewhere low cost as she's having some money issues.
Does she like sports? Maybe you could catch a local sports team, (hockey?), and then follow it up with dinner. Your treat, find out more of her hobbies, her plans, her goals.
FORD is a good conversation dialog in the future.
Family
Occupation (School)
Recreation
Dreams
Once you know what she likes it's easier to make her less likely to overextend herself to spend time with you. She likes art galleries? Well you just happen to have two tickets right here, would you like to go with?? Oh, she loves history? Well there's an exhibit at the museum, my friend works there (lie) so let me know if you're interested in going and I can get us tickets, my treat.
Hopefully you see where I'm going with this.
Does she like doing things outdoors, if weather permits? You could go for a short hike or to a park. I have no idea where you are or if something like that is feasible.
We live in a rural area. It takes 20 minutes to get to a Wal-Mart.
I've never been to a concert. I don't know how much I'd be able to get into it, seeing as I went to a dance club one time with some friends and didn't enjoy it (I tried to dance, but it just felt forced).
She's into watching football (I'm not), plays pool (I've very little experience with that), likes books (don't know what kinds exactly), likes movies (there's some common ground), likes photography (I do too), and I'm fairly certain she's a bit nerdy in that she's mentioned reading comics before and likes Doctor Who (which is one of the reasons I wanted to go out with her since I figured there aren't many girls into that sort of stuff in my area).
Pool is a bit odd because you're probably going to end up at a bar or something. Maybe try bowling. Alleys usually have pool tables too, so, there's that. This way if pool tends to suck for you (it's a fun game, at least to try, ask her to teach you), you always have bowling to fall back on.
Also, if you know what kind of movies she likes, you could consider a movie night and make her dinner or something.
I don't know if she's the outdoors-y type, but there is a park nearby.
Yeah letting people nerd-talk is kind of fascinating as they'll walk you through their world. Even if you know a little bit about it, let them explain it like you're Lord PoopsInPants.