The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Can't...fit: sex question
Paramore
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hello, lurked a bunch but haven't posted yet. I have an...odd problem I guess, seems to me anyways, but it probably isn't. You guys tend to be really mature and helpful with these type questions so i thought I would give it a shot.
So my girlfriend of 6 months and I decided that we were going to try to have sex. We are both virgins and 19. Never having sex before, like expected, I was a little nervous about the pregnancy thing. So I thought we'd use two forms of birth control. She's not on the pill, so we were going to use a combination of condom + pull out method. So that leads to my first question, is that a little overzealous? I figure since we're both inexperienced, doing both of those could help reduce risk of first time mistakes.
Second question. A few days ago we actually took a go at it. We quickly ran into a problem. I've never thought of myself as "large", but then again I have nothing to compare it too, and she didn't have a past experience that she could compare mine to. Anyways...it wouldn't fit. We decided that I would manual her for a bit, with one finger, then try to do two, but when i got to two, I couldn't really get in at all before she pulled me a way a bit. Yesterday we tried this a little again, and I got a little further with two fingers, and trying the real thing didn't work either. What can we do to help the progress? or are we missing something? It's frustrating, because we really want to do it, but...we can't.
Summary.
1) is condom + pull out overkill for first timers?
2) What can I do when I don't fit in her?
Thanks a lot for any help.
So my girlfriend of 6 months and I decided that we were going to try to have sex. We are both virgins and 19. Never having sex before, like expected, I was a little nervous about the pregnancy thing. So I thought we'd use two forms of birth control. She's not on the pill, so we were going to use a combination of condom + pull out method. So that leads to my first question, is that a little overzealous? I figure since we're both inexperienced, doing both of those could help reduce risk of first time mistakes.
Second question. A few days ago we actually took a go at it. We quickly ran into a problem. I've never thought of myself as "large", but then again I have nothing to compare it too, and she didn't have a past experience that she could compare mine to. Anyways...it wouldn't fit. We decided that I would manual her for a bit, with one finger, then try to do two, but when i got to two, I couldn't really get in at all before she pulled me a way a bit. Yesterday we tried this a little again, and I got a little further with two fingers, and trying the real thing didn't work either. What can we do to help the progress? or are we missing something? It's frustrating, because we really want to do it, but...we can't.
Summary.
1) is condom + pull out overkill for first timers?
2) What can I do when I don't fit in her?
Thanks a lot for any help.
Paramore on
0
This discussion has been closed.
Posts
Also, you might need to get some lube like K-Y.
More foreplay. Take things slower.
Try a night where you're just going to go down on her or make her cum with your fingers without any intercourse. She might be getting nervous and/or impatient, which can cause the PC muscle to clamp down, making her tighter. Having a night where there's no pressure to perform (yes, girls can have performance anxiety too) might help her learn to relax a little bit.
Then when you get around to trying intercourse again, take it slow. Go down on her first, use your fingers, whatever. Accept that "it might not happen tonight." Try to be okay with that and be willing to try again the next night. Don't force anything. Take the actual penetration slowly. Very, very slowly. Be patient.
Keep in mind that some women have a medical condition called vaginismus where the PC muscle clamps down to a point where penetration is impossible. The cause may be biological or psychological - if she is unable to insert a finger or a tampon comfortably, a trip to the doctor might be called for.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
We need more info here... How big are you exactly. Measure it. Use a piece of string to figure out the girth if you need too.
And what exactly is she saying about this? How does it feel for her?
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
Also, I, too, was nervous about pregnancy the first time we had sex, and thought "Yeah, I'll pull out just in case." That... that isn't going to happen once you get things going, so don't count on it. :-p
She just needs to get used to having sex. Unless you're huge, after a few times you'll be able to just jam it right in and go to town.
Edit: Although, there is a saying:
If you can't get in the front door, knock the back one down.
www.rockmidgets.com
He did mention that he could finger her, though.
1) I too thought about the hymen thing, but that's not the case. Since I can fit one finger pretty well in there, (and two just a tiny, tiny, tiny bit).
2) that leads me to the vaginismus thing. I doubt that's the case since I can fit a finger up there, but I'll ask her about it.
3) While we were going to do it she said she wasn't tense at all, she was perfectly okay. Whenever I was trying the two fingers and it got a little in, she would lightly tug on my arm, and she would said it was hurting a little. She described it as pressure. For the second time when I tried penetration, I tried something I read. I rested the head of the penis at the opening, and slowly let the weights of our bodies slide it in. It didn't go anywhere at all really until she said that it was hurting.
4) Both times I did a LOT of foreplay. I'm talking like half hour of manual/oral. I guess i could do more, I wouldn't mind, but i don't think that's an issue. She was pretty turned on and wet down there.
5) I'm not sure what girth is exactly. But I took a string around my penis, and where the string crossed itself i measure the distance between those and it was about 5 inches. Unless I did it completley wrong, I have no idea. It didnt really matter to me to measure it ever.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
That's actually a good piece of advice, and I probably should've thought of it before. After I couldn't quite stick it in the first time, my girlfriend went on top and got things started, which helped. Putting her a bit more in control will probably make her feel better about the whole thing.
My straight roomie says it's helped her too. (this was her advice. It works for gay guys too, but I won't go into details as that is not the point of this thread.)
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
She's in a far better position to know what is too far in. All you have to go on is when she says stop. This way she can find her limit on her own. Otherwise it's just going to be you trying to force your way in. At the very least it's worth a shot.
*checks with roomie*
Also, rub her clit while she does this. Talk dirty. Tell her she's sexy. Girls need a lot of foreplay to really get going, apparently.
-edit-
I second the buying her a small dildo thing.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
The finger idea is a good idea to get her stretched out a bit, but even still if she's really nervous she's still going to be really restricted. Follow the aforementioned advice of more foreplay, the more "excited" she is, the more loose the muscles are going to be, thus making it easier. Also, please realize that this is a very uncomfortable experience for the girl, there's not really a good way to make it "amazing", she's probably going to bleed a little bit after the whole thing is figured out, and honestly because you're both virgins you might think that sex is just a really bad experience.
Try not to "plan it out" when you're going to do it. It adds stress onto the moment and can just cause things to be more awkward...if one part member isn't "in the mood" then so be it. Don't try and force an intimate moment.
But I do completely agree with the "don't try to plan it out" ...pretty much the best time is whenever it happens naturally, there shouldn't be a set time as that creates stress, particularly if things don't work out perfectly. The less stress the better, definitely. And don't worry if the first time isn't what you expected, it typically takes a couple times for bodies to adjust to each other and things to really work out.
Hell, I didn't really get it until I was at at least the hundredth.
I was hanging out with her today, nothing happened physical wise but I talked to her about some of the stuff mentioned in this thread.
When I mentioned her being on top, so she could have more control etc, she refused like before. She said she "wouldn't be able to do it". I explained she's better at measuring pain than if I did it, because all she could say is "stop", but she didn't change her answer.
Later we talked about it a little more. I asked about stuff which might hint at vaginismus (that was mentioned earlier). I asked if she ever has problems putting a tampon in. Suprisingly she responded with "Yeah, I've always had a problem with that." I asked why, and she said "She was afraid to put it in there." I then asked if she was afraid when I finger her, and she said no, and changed "afraid" to "don't want to". She doesn't want to do it, but it's okay if I finger her. It's weird, and I'm having trouble grasping the whole of this thing. I guess this does point more towards vaginismus.
In short, it seems like she wants to do it, but she also doesn't want to do it at the same time, but in a different way. Next time we do something I'll stay away from the whole thing, and just keep fingering her, working on that for awhile. I'll let her know that we'll only try it again if she really feels comfortable in doing it, otherwise it's okay, and we can keep doing other things. I suppose if it goes awhile, and she wants to try it again, and things STILL don't work out, maybe she does have vaginismus.
This is all extremley new to me to begin with, I didn't think it would be this complicated haha. And I realize my thoughts are jumbled but i'm not that great of a writer.
Thanks for the advice so far, it's helped a lot. Any more is welcomed. Ask if something i said doesn't seem clear.
Also about the emotional conflicts and all, these things take time. My one virgin friend didn't like doing anything when we were "f-buds". She though anything other than penetration with my penis was disgusting. Now she has had a couple boyfriends a couple years later. Slowly now she came around to fellatio and everything else and doesn't get disgusted. Basically, most of the time, if a girl is comfortable at doing anything the first time, she hasn't done it the first time in my experience. This is all perfectly normal (except for the possibility of Vaginismus) if it's in her head. Things take time. Build her up more. This will grease the wheels a little. I found it was difficult to do anything to a nervous girlfriend if I didn't perform for her an hour beforehand.
If that is indeed the problem, she just needs to be aware of it and get herself to relax. Sex hurts waaaaay more if you're tightening up your muscles like you're expecting a shot. She needs to be comfortable with you, and really aroused beforehand, and possibly a little bit more comfortable with her own body than she is now. Get used to using lube too. But really, at least for me, and for a friend of mine who had the same problem, sex became easy immediately as soon as I learned not to tighten up.
And I actually understand where she's coming from with not wanting to try it on top right away. The various angles of penetration feel very different from each other, and for me personally, being on top felt really weird at first.
(In other words, no no no! Bad idea.)
Same old site, great new look! Check out The Gameroom Blitz at:
http://www.lakupo.com/grblitz
In any case, give her foreplay until your hands and mouth are ready to fall off, use a ton of lube, and take things slowly and patiently. Make sure you don't act disappointed if she just can't handle it yet, just go back to fooling around. If she's worried about it, a trip to the gynecologist to make sure everything's in good working order would be an excellent idea, and she should start going yearly for checkups and pap smears once she's sexually active anyway.
Foreplay helps because endorphins are natural painkillers - if you're really worked up, you're less likely to focus on the pain. And as much a fan as I am towards Everything is Gentle, if you're too gentle it can just prolong the agony. The skin is meant to split there, and it will. She's soon going to be custom fit for you - just one of many reasons why losing one's virginity can be a powerful bonding experience.
You may also want to try not putting the condom on until after you've achieved the actual intercourse for a few solid thrusts. It allows you a bit more sensitivity, your own skin down there is designed to feel alright on the wound and interestingly enough, the male leaks a pretty powerful hormonal cocktail out through the skin of his wang. This magic blend of many herbs and spices intereacts with the female reproductive system, heightening arousal, relieving tension and creating a willingness to complete the mating process.
You can glove up after a bit, but the natural feeling goes a long way to creating the right conditions for a healthy first time. (Not to be confused for an amazing first time, which is exceedingly rare.)
EDIT: Oh - if you can time entry to cause/be at one with a nicely built eruptive orgasm, that would be a good thing. Takes the sting out.
One more question. I don't think she fully grasps that it's going to to be fairly painful, no matter what is done. From what I'm reading, there has to be some pain threshold to be tolerated the first few times.
My instinct is to tell her before hand that it's going to hurt, and it's something we have to get through (because I don't want to shock her with the pain), but I don't know if this would be the best course of action since it could make her nervous of the anticipation of the pain. Because in all honesty, though I'm not her, it felt like if I could have pushed a little bit harder after I had stopped because she was feeling discomfort, I think it would have been enough. Though it is impossible to feel what pain she was already bearing.
Thanks again for all advice given.
Stick it up her arse... hard!
I don't know if discussing the pain will help much. It is very likely that she already knows this, as a combination of parental discussion and health class has probably let her know about the initial pain of sex, and discussing it may only make any fears that exist worse.
The first was lots and lots and lots of foreplay. Secondly, and I've had this recommended from various female friends when discussing it with them, a bit of alcohol. Not to the point of being drunk but tipsy is good, it apparently helps to relax (However, I'm not sure where you're at/how old you are, so if I'm recommending something illegal there....whoops!!). So lots of foreplay and a bit of booze later and she was ready to go, but still very tight. I positioned my hand around my penis when hard, and after arousing her, and placed it at the entrance to her vagina. We moved backwards and forwards like that for a while, just gently rubbing against it. After a few (probably less than 5) I was able to push gently the head of my penis through, she told me to not go any further as it hurt, so we stayed like that for a bit and I moved backwards and forwards, edging ever so slightly further forward after that. In the end penetration was acheived! After this she's still very tight but the more we go at it, the easier it gets.
At her suggestion, the other thing that really got her going (and was her suggestion) was watching pornography. It was only relatively softcore but she agreed we'd each take off an item of clothing at each new sex scene. She also made it a rule to only be able to touch each other when there was "action" on screen.
It was actually very very fun, and by the end of the film she was so excited and there had been so much foreplay that penetration wasn't an issue.
Oh, also just as an aid, when slipping on a condom I also applied a considerable amount of lube. For the first few times especially (oh and if you want a nice experience yourself, pop some INSIDE the condom before you slip it on!).
But I had almost exactly the same problem as you, my girlfriend even had the same problem with tampons and (she'd kill me if she knew I'd told people this) shortly after our first few times together she came on, and she phoned me excitedly at work exclaiming she'd managed to use a tampon for the first time (She's 22, so that's quite an acheivement!).
Anyway, best of luck.
::Edit:: Apologies, skimmed the post over and my English is awful. I'm at work though and don't really want to be seen typing bits and bobs like this!
PSN: SirGrinchX
Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
Y'all are both 19, correct? I didn't start using tampons until recently and that was just because pads are too goddamned uncomfortable. Some people just don't like the idea of having something up there, it has to do with maturity. I think you're jumping to conclusions with the vaginismus, and she's fine. Work some more with the fingers thing, if you can't do two, then yeah, it's gonna be tough.