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My dads girlfriend is slowly tearing my family apart.
photoisawesome0816
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Registered User new member
I am 18 and my parents divorced when I started high school. I am now in my first year of college and in four years my family story got really complicated. My mom was unhappy with my dad so she divorced. My dad still loves my mom and I think he is just lonley. My dad is 59 and my mom is 50. I now live with both my mom and dad in the same city so the commute is not bad but the constant switch is hard on my sister and I. My sister is 20. We both respect our parents decision to split up but it happend when we were aware of what's going on. Most of my friends parents divorced when they were young so it was easier on them. I handled the divorce very upset. It a acted as a catlyist for my high school drama but all that is past me. High school is another story in itself. My sister reacted to the divorce like any other kid. She took it hard when it happend but now she just avoids talking about anything emotional. It's almost like there is an emotional barrier between us but other than that we are best friends and we rely on eachother. We always have eachother to turn to.
Since my mom got the divorce my dad always had a hard time adjusting to a different life without her. My parents had been together for about 20 years I think and watching 20 years of someone's life disappear like that was hard to witness. My dad started to concentrate on his job more than me and my sister. My mom was very supportive and attentive throught the process. I soon learned that whatever I told my mom went straight into dads email and whatever I told my dad, he just kept up inside. He always said stuff like "typical mom" just to prove that he is doing better because of the divorce.
Now 4 years passed and my parents start dating other people. They are still not divorced to make financial things easier. But my mom could never find a relationship to last. They would just be flings but nothing quite serious. But she soon found out that she needs to take it slow. My dad on the other hand has a obsession with African American woman. I have no prejudice, I just wanted to be specific. My parents meet thier partners on match or some other site. My dad met a woman and I won't use her real name. Ill call her Rala. My dad invited this woman over for dinner with my sister and I so we could meet her since they had been talking for a while. My dad is not much of a cook so she cooked dinner. We didn't know what to expect but when we met her she seemed nice. Rala was smart and polite and my sister and I liked her. She cooked chicken with rice and couscous. She is from Africa and came to America about 10 years ago. We soon figured out we have to eat her way. If you don't finish what is on your plate she will give you more and respectfully give you more and more. I asked her why and she used statements like "where I am from" and "in my country". I ate the extra food and went back to my room. About a month later she started to stay at our house with my dad. She would stay there more often about 3-4 times a week. My sister and I grew a little bit uncomfortable when she would cook our meals and stay with our dad more often. We learned that she had a previous marriage. Rala claims she had married a millionaire but he cheated and didn't want any of the alamony in return. She has a son and a daughter. The son stays with her and the dad and the daughter only stays with the dad which I grew suspicious on. So she is coming to our house nearly without any money to support herself or her family. All the while my dad dosen't care about what my sister and I have to say and she stays for holidays and such. We have a family reunion every year on my dads side. My dad sister and I went and it was fun. Rala didn't come because my dad didn't invite her. I thought that if she is spending holidays with us then she will go with us on this trip. But my dad was almost emabrrased to bring her beacause and I quote, "the family would be shocked", my dad said. I did t question it because my sister and I were growing not to like her calling my dad four times a day, looking through my dads messages and a answering our house phone as if she was living there. She might have well been living with us. I soon learned that my dad was paying for Ralas nursing school, gas, car, schooling and rent. She is a nurse and has crazy work hours. For example she would start work at 8:00pm and end at 6:00am. She always goes into our house shuffling her way through. She always sais Hi and then rushes to my dads room, locking the door behind her. She started to notice my sister and I avoiding her because we learned that my dad was slowly going broke because of her. I soon learned that my dad would low run on money right before his paycheck comes and would take money from my account to pay for her schooling, her gas, her food that she should pay herself.
My mom often texts and calls my dad to discuss family stuff like money and soccer practice. Rala would go through my dads phone and delete the messages from her and pick up the phone when she calls. This is totally unbelievable and I grew so angry.
Rala brings her son to our house too and we let him play video games and he is a good kid. I feel bad for him because his mother can support him without us. And my sister and I talked yesterday and we both agreed that if my dad broke up with Rala then she would have no money, no school. So even if they get in an argument, she is going to do whatever she can do to stay with my dad. I have many reasons to be upset at her but one is beacause of her implementation of her values in my dads house. She shouldn't have any authority until she gives me respect. She haven't got to know either my sister or I and we want her out.
Today I learned that after a year my dad wanted to break up with Rala. She had called the house 5 times and I ignored the phone after the second time. I went to school and my sister took me to my moms because she didn't want to hear them argue. I wanted to get then to break up because she has become an expense on our family. She is ruining the relationship between me and my dad and I can't go on like this going into my room whenever she is over. I am hoping they break up but then I remember my dad is the only reason she has a house so she is going to be desperate and do anything to stay with my dad and his wallet. My dad is going to retire soon so do you think that she will leave when the money is gone and we are broke?
What would you do if you were in my situation because I am only 18 and can't move out. I need advice.
Since my mom got the divorce my dad always had a hard time adjusting to a different life without her. My parents had been together for about 20 years I think and watching 20 years of someone's life disappear like that was hard to witness. My dad started to concentrate on his job more than me and my sister. My mom was very supportive and attentive throught the process. I soon learned that whatever I told my mom went straight into dads email and whatever I told my dad, he just kept up inside. He always said stuff like "typical mom" just to prove that he is doing better because of the divorce.
Now 4 years passed and my parents start dating other people. They are still not divorced to make financial things easier. But my mom could never find a relationship to last. They would just be flings but nothing quite serious. But she soon found out that she needs to take it slow. My dad on the other hand has a obsession with African American woman. I have no prejudice, I just wanted to be specific. My parents meet thier partners on match or some other site. My dad met a woman and I won't use her real name. Ill call her Rala. My dad invited this woman over for dinner with my sister and I so we could meet her since they had been talking for a while. My dad is not much of a cook so she cooked dinner. We didn't know what to expect but when we met her she seemed nice. Rala was smart and polite and my sister and I liked her. She cooked chicken with rice and couscous. She is from Africa and came to America about 10 years ago. We soon figured out we have to eat her way. If you don't finish what is on your plate she will give you more and respectfully give you more and more. I asked her why and she used statements like "where I am from" and "in my country". I ate the extra food and went back to my room. About a month later she started to stay at our house with my dad. She would stay there more often about 3-4 times a week. My sister and I grew a little bit uncomfortable when she would cook our meals and stay with our dad more often. We learned that she had a previous marriage. Rala claims she had married a millionaire but he cheated and didn't want any of the alamony in return. She has a son and a daughter. The son stays with her and the dad and the daughter only stays with the dad which I grew suspicious on. So she is coming to our house nearly without any money to support herself or her family. All the while my dad dosen't care about what my sister and I have to say and she stays for holidays and such. We have a family reunion every year on my dads side. My dad sister and I went and it was fun. Rala didn't come because my dad didn't invite her. I thought that if she is spending holidays with us then she will go with us on this trip. But my dad was almost emabrrased to bring her beacause and I quote, "the family would be shocked", my dad said. I did t question it because my sister and I were growing not to like her calling my dad four times a day, looking through my dads messages and a answering our house phone as if she was living there. She might have well been living with us. I soon learned that my dad was paying for Ralas nursing school, gas, car, schooling and rent. She is a nurse and has crazy work hours. For example she would start work at 8:00pm and end at 6:00am. She always goes into our house shuffling her way through. She always sais Hi and then rushes to my dads room, locking the door behind her. She started to notice my sister and I avoiding her because we learned that my dad was slowly going broke because of her. I soon learned that my dad would low run on money right before his paycheck comes and would take money from my account to pay for her schooling, her gas, her food that she should pay herself.
My mom often texts and calls my dad to discuss family stuff like money and soccer practice. Rala would go through my dads phone and delete the messages from her and pick up the phone when she calls. This is totally unbelievable and I grew so angry.
Rala brings her son to our house too and we let him play video games and he is a good kid. I feel bad for him because his mother can support him without us. And my sister and I talked yesterday and we both agreed that if my dad broke up with Rala then she would have no money, no school. So even if they get in an argument, she is going to do whatever she can do to stay with my dad. I have many reasons to be upset at her but one is beacause of her implementation of her values in my dads house. She shouldn't have any authority until she gives me respect. She haven't got to know either my sister or I and we want her out.
Today I learned that after a year my dad wanted to break up with Rala. She had called the house 5 times and I ignored the phone after the second time. I went to school and my sister took me to my moms because she didn't want to hear them argue. I wanted to get then to break up because she has become an expense on our family. She is ruining the relationship between me and my dad and I can't go on like this going into my room whenever she is over. I am hoping they break up but then I remember my dad is the only reason she has a house so she is going to be desperate and do anything to stay with my dad and his wallet. My dad is going to retire soon so do you think that she will leave when the money is gone and we are broke?
What would you do if you were in my situation because I am only 18 and can't move out. I need advice.
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How is your dad's partner not showing you respect? You don't really go into that. Is she abusive? Does she call you names? Does she invade your privacy? She's your dad's partner and it's his house, and if he's okay with her going through his things then you can't do anything about that. Unless she is treating you badly, respect is a mutual thing between adults (which you are now) and it sounds like you don't really have any for her, so you probably should try to do that if you want it in return.
She is not really the biggest problem here, though. The biggest problem is how the rest of your family is handling their money under the circumstances. He should not be able to cause all of you to go broke. You are 18, and you are old enough to (and should) have your own bank account with only your name on it. You need to set that up so that money you earn can't be taken from you by anyone else. If you don't have a job, get one. Put the money you make into your bank account, save up, and move out. You are 18, in college, and absolutely old enough to live on your own even if you need to find a roommate or three to do it.
Your mother should have her own finances arranged as well, separate from his. The fact that they haven't divorced but are seeing other people is a horrendous financial mistake that should be corrected immediately for exactly this reason. They are no longer together and should be legally unable to ruin each other financially without the other's consent. If your mother knows this is happening she is being extremely short-sighted in not filing for divorce and getting their credit history separated as soon as possible, and if she still has children that are his and under 18 she needs to get child support taken out of his checks so that he can't spend money that should be getting spent on any younger kids he might have. I'm sorry but he should not be able to ruin your entire family financially this long after they've been separated, and if he is your mother is doing things terribly wrong and it needs to be fixed for the sake of any younger children she may have. He should not be able to quietly take money from your bank account, because you should have your own bank account with no one else's name on it but yours. You guys need to fix this. If your father can't be responsible enough with his money that he can't resist spending it all on his girlfriend and needs to spend everyone else's as well, at the very least the rest of your family needs to be protecting their money from him.
When Rala enters our house she sais hi and then goes into my dads room closing the door behind her. We know she prays a lot due to her religion. I respect that. But every time she has walked in the house its just the same, "Hello _______ how are you" then slam. She only sais two words to me the year that I have known her. She does not call me names or anything like that. She is pretty discrete when it comes to talking with my dad. Like if I am washing dishes and my dad and Rala on the couch you can hear her faintly whispering in my dads ear. Maybe it's personal stuff... none of my business but why in front of me. My mom sometimes dropped me off at my dads house when I have school. Rala would wait sitting in the drivers seat of her car until my mom came to drop me off. Exit the car when my mom can she her and just prance herself into the house my mom used to live in. Maybe that was intentional but it wouldn't be a coincidence on the 3rd time.
Believe it or not Rala and I used to be somewhat close. I am a photographer and I photograph weddings for fun and I have made such a big client list that I tunred it into a business. But Rala would always want me to take pictures of her. I was always hesitant but I always gave in because I love photos and all that. She always wanted me to email me to her and I never knew what she uses the for. I looked earlier tonight and saw every photo that I have taken of her on her facebook wall. Those were the only photos on her Facebook, the ones that I had taken.
My sister and I are very close to my dad. We used to go golfing, drive up to northern California for vacations and just relax. But all that stopped when mom left. When mom left it was almost like he lost his passion for life. We always ate out, the house was always quiet and I miss the four of us together frequently. But then my dad found Rala. He liked to treat her to fancy dinners, new shoes, new clothes and then the down payment for a new car. (kinda escalated quickly) But the fact is my dad is lonely and e just wants companionship and thats something that neither my sister or I could give to my dad. And I don't think he really cares how he gets it. If he has to empty his wallets to be happy then fine, just don't drag me don with you. What I worry about is when my sister and I have life's of our own, my dad will be with Rala and I am afraid she will move in and drag my dad down with her.
Rala has expensive taste too. I recently looked up the how to spot a gold digger and I am pretty sure she is one. Some of the traits of a gold digger are: requiring excessive admiration, exaggerates achievements and talent, preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success (beauty, fame ,money). She texts and calls my dad many times a day, she brags about how she travels and has family everywhere in the world, and she wants to become a model, actress you name it. I remember a prime example of this was at a christmas party. I won a set of very nice fine china dish wear and when I looked at her she was already telling me how much they would sell for on ebay. I ended up giving most of them to her but I kept one for me. I don't know what she has done with them.
My sister is very smart and she became financially independent when she hit 19. She noticed dad was doing the same thing with her account so she switched her account so she is independent. My sister is going to help me with this pretty soon and I realize that I wont be able to side with my dad forever. I have no plans to live on my own. Both my parents told me I can stay as long as I want but I do plan to move out sooner or later.
My mom and dad are separated but still married, yet they are seeing other people. I was seated next to them when they consolidated a lawyer who is also a family friend of ours so I know its going to happen. I know they have no intention of getting back together and there are probably some other lurking variables that cause them to stay together so I rather not go into detail with that. Also, my parents have NOOOO intention of having other kids. Just making that clear.
But yes bottom line my dad makes his own decisions and I respect it. But being in the middle of a household with her there just makes me uncomfortable because I know so little about Rala which I met a year ago. I plan to get to the bottom of it and confront her soon about her intentions and explanations.
You can't control what your mom does any more than you can control what your dad does, but for everyone's sake I hope that divorce gets finalized ASAP.
That means that you need to go to the bank and change your account to be only yours, you need to remove all valuables that you own from your dad's house or other property where Rala could get them, and (hopefully) you'll still hang out with your dad and not just completely blow him off (or have Rala get him to blow you off).
First and foremost, it's normal for relationships between parents and their children to change when the kids are around high school age - the ages you were at when your parents separated. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as it often is a transition from a typical parent / kid relationship to more of a relationship between adults. Going through parents separating is difficult for anyone, regardless of their age, and it's very difficult to deal with parents dating and having relationships with people other than each other.
Generally, a kid is either going to hate and completely resent their parent's new partner, or they are going to think they are awesome and great. In situations I've seen, it generally falls to one extreme or another. Occasionally, the child will get along with the new partner when they see it as a temporary thing / fling, but when it becomes long-term the resentment will build. When you don't like the new partner (completely normal!) you are going to be biased against them, and attribute things / changes you don't like to their actions, and read into things they say and do to read malice. It's completely normal, and it might be something you want to talk to a counselor or therapist about.
Second, your dad is an adult. He has the right to make his own mistakes and do stupid things. If he's going to support his girlfriend, that's his mistake to make. You certainly can talk to him about it, tell him how you feel, but keep the next point in mind.
Third, you are 18 and your sister is 20. You two are adults. Your father has no (legal) obligation to either of you at this point. You should have your own bank account (which he can't touch), and are perfectly capable of getting your own jobs, your own student loans, etc. If he kicks you out into the cold, that's his call. It sucks, but it's true. He could spend all the money and put him (and it sounds like your mom) out in the cold, and you would just have to deal with it. Or, you could just go and live with your mom instead of living with him. Keep this in mind, as it sounds like a possibility.
Fourth, your mother and him are separated but not divorced for financial reasons. Some people can do this and make it work. However, if they are going to keep their finances co-mingled, your mother is accepting the risk that he does something stupid with all of your money. He could empty all the bank accounts he owns jointly with your mother, in some states he could take out a loan that your mother would be jointly responsible for, and he could buy and sell property they hold jointly. In exchange for convenience, your mom accepted a lot of unnecessary risk. She should work with her lawyer and expedite the divorce, and separate herself financially as much as possible. If she chooses not to, she's an adult and it's her choice.
Fifth, maybe Rala is a gold digger, maybe not. I'm not trying to defend her, but it could go either way. You've said that she's working midnight shifts while going through nursing school, which is definitely not a typical trait of gold diggers. Either way - if your dad is supporting her, that's his choice and his mistake that he has to live with. You don't. It's definitely the most convenient option, but it's not the only one.
I may be a bit harsh, but really what you should be doing is separating yourself financially from your father (parents in general), making sure you have resources to fall back on, and talking to your parents about how you feel and your concerns. Family counseling might be the way to go. No matter what, you and your sister are both adults, your parents are both adults, and Rala is an adult.
That's good! You should keep talking and communicating with your dad and let him know those things. Don't assume that everything is fixed overnight, but keep trying.
Just my $.02 is that you should still work on separating yourself financially and having a fallback plan. You're at the age where you probably should be doing some of that anyway, and you don't want to bet your future that something like this won't happen again.
Here it is: Grow Up.
You are 18, and by any nations laws, you are an adult. Its time you acted like it.
You aren't angry that your dads GF is a gold digger, you're jealous.
Your dad has been alone for 4 years...when you get your ass out into the real word, you'll feel how bone crushingly lonesome even one or two years feels.
That man is a goddamn juggernaut. Respect him for it.
"I wanted to get then to break up because she has become an expense on our family."
"I can't go on like this going into my room whenever she is over."
"My dad is going to retire soon so do you think that she will leave when the money is gone and we are broke?"
This is you assuming that everything your father owns, including that house and "your room", is yours. Its not, it never was..you just assumed it was.
You don't own anything because your father owns it... that's the same mentality that you're saying SHE has.
You need to stop saying WE in this situation..you are not your father and you do not have any say on your fathers finances. Everything given to you is a gift. Everything you earn for yourself is yours, NOTHING ELSE.
The only line in all of this is the part where you say he's taking money out of your account. I'm assuming that this account is actually yours, not given to you by him, and that you put money that YOU earn into that account? Yes?
If this an account that he set up for you and feeds into... then he's still in his good rights to move that money as he sees fit. If that's the case, you're bitching because the gold digger cut into your allowance.
Your dad made some money in his life. Let him spend it and be happy. If he wants to spend it on a girlfriend you don't like? Go get a job and spend your money how you'd rather spend it.
Let the man do what he thinks will make him happy.
It's too bad they were expressed so rudely and inapproriately.
I would actually consider this more inappropriate than his post. If you don't like someone's tone, report it. As it happens I don't find anything particularly rude there. Harsh, but frankly fair enough.
And that was me Toned down, lol.
What I wrote was intended to be harsh in order to cut through an established belief structure.
That entitlement structure we have as children can be so incredibly hard to penetrate as we get older....there isn't like a sign or a card that someone hands you to let you know that the world changed when you weren't looking.
The OP has already convinced himself that the GF is bad - but in all his justification, he's really talking about how it impacted HIM..not his father.
Look and see:
"My dad started to concentrate on his job more than me and my sister." ME
"My mom was very supportive and attentive throught the process." ME
"We soon figured out we have to eat her way." ME
"I ate the extra food and went back to my room." ME
"My sister and I grew a little bit uncomfortable when she would cook our meals and stay with our dad more often." ME
"All the while my dad dosen't care about what my sister and I have to say and she stays for holidays and such." ME
"Rala would go through my dads phone and delete the messages from her and pick up the phone when she calls. This is totally unbelievable and I grew so angry." ME
" I have many reasons to be upset at her but one is beacause of her implementation of her values in my dads house. She shouldn't have any authority until she gives me respect. She haven't got to know either my sister or I and we want her out." ME
"I went to school and my sister took me to my moms because she didn't want to hear them argue. I wanted to get then to break up because she has become an expense on our family. She is ruining the relationship between me and my dad and I can't go on like this going into my room whenever she is over." ME
If he had constructed this same argument but said something like, "My father is obviously lonely, but hes seriously taken with this woman, and I think she's exploiting him!" My advice would have been VERY different.
Shitty Tumblr:lighthouse1138.tumblr.com
Also, you really can't tell people what they can post here or how they post it. No one has been unfair with you, but you are clearly very young. With the way you communicate here, I'm not even sure I really believe you're 18. If you are worried about your father's judgment affecting his finances because he is mentally impaired, you can see if someone can get power of attorney over him so that he can't ruin himself, but if you just want to hear "aww, poor thing, tell him this to make him change his mind"...
You know what, frankly I'm not sure WHAT you think you're going to hear from a bunch of adults, some of whom have actually been in similar situations. You asked what we would do. We told you. You were given lots of good advice on how to handle things. If you don't think that's productive then you've come to the wrong place and I'm closing this thread.