Getting help with depression. What to expect?

SunDragon

I've lurked around these forums for a long, long time and you guys are always the nicest people for things like this.

Background:

My wife recently came to me and expressed that she is unhappy and it's being caused because of mood changes in myself. I love my wife more than anything and I want to do everything I can to make her happy again and be happy again myself. I have a very good but very unsatisfying job, this winter has been hard on me, and some other stuff have all lead to this black cloud hanging over me. I never thought it was affecting her though. About a month ago I started to notice her distancing herself from me and I just thought it was stress related to her job. I was frustrated with it and I guess I lashed out emotionally at her not understanding it was me causing the issues. Even before she came to me and told me she was unhappy I was fighting to get out from under this cloud and get back to being my normal self. It's obviously a little to late though.

I'm looking at visiting a thearpist and making sure I'm taking the right steps to get out from under this cloud and make things better. Only I have no idea how to find one, and what to expect when I do go. My health care provider has a list of doctors and I guess I can just pick one at random and see how things go.

lessthanpi

In my experience you can usually tell if a particular therapist/doctor is going to work out with a single meeting.

Keep trying new people until you find someone you think you can work with.

The hardest part for me with the whole process was keeping myself from lying to the doctors and saying things were better than they were.

badger2d

Psychotherapy is a very YMMV kind of thing. I could share what my experiences have been over the years, seeking therapy in different places at different times for bouts of severe depression and panic attacks, but I don't know that the specifics would translate in a helpful way to your life. But there are a couple of general tips I can offer that took me a long time to learn, after I started off extremely distrustful of psychiatric treatment.

One, although they are trained professionals, any individual therapist is in the end just a person and therapy is just talking, and like any other person you meet, they may or may not click with you. It's perfectly okay to request to see someone else until you feel comfortable.

Two, medication is a useful bandaid. It was a very long time after I first had depression trouble before I was willing to even try a low dosage of antidepressants (I had to get to the point where I was nonfunctional to the degree that I couldn't hold down a job!), and when I finally did, I found they were really good for just stabilizing my feelings enough to prevent that critical low; they did not make me feel either artificially, nonsensically happy or like an emotionless robot, two imagined possibilities that I had feared.

Fantasma

Your wife should try to understand and support you, not the other way around, you are the one having a hard time at work. I see no reason for you to spent hard earned money visiting a therapist.

ceres

Fantasma wrote: »

Your wife should try to understand and support you, not the other way around, you are the one having a hard time at work. I see no reason for you to spent hard earned money visiting a therapist.

This person misses the plot of these threads 100% of the time.

It really sounds to me like you just need to talk to someone, and you don't need a psych eval to to that. It's a bit difficult to tell from your OP how far gone you are, but you don't sound too badly off at the moment. You just sound like someone who doesn't want to GET badly off now that it's been pointed out to you, and I really want to commend that.

But because of that, I wouldn't schedule an appointment with the idea that you will walk out with pills. As one of the above posters mentioned, therapists and counselors are people, and even if one is really good you may simply not get along with them as a person, and that means going down your list and shopping around a bit if the first one doesn't click with you. It can feel discouraging to have to do that, but it's important to be able to. That in itself was a lesson hard-learned for me.

It sounds like much of this is job-related for you, so if you're going to see someone you may think about looking for someone who specializes in job-related issues. You said your job is good but unsatisfying? I'm interpreting that to mean "pays well but you hate doing it". Is it the kind of situation where you may be able to get the same job at another company and it might be better? Or maybe you even have enough experience with your job and the industry to climb the ladder a bit. What I'm saying is, if something about your job is making you so unhappy, you may be able to change it.

Hell, even if there's a small (but affordable) pay cut involved, you may want to change it. As you're probably starting to see now, your happiness is going to be just as important to your family, if not more so, as your maximum earning potential.

SunDragon

It's a bit difficult to tell from your OP how far gone you are, but you don't sound too badly off at the moment. You just sound like someone who doesn't want to GET badly off now that it's been pointed out to you, and I really want to commend that.

This is pretty true. I really have been feeling better lately, and I just want to talk to someone and make sure I'm on the right path and not potentially making mistakes in my actions thinking they are the right thing. I dont feel I ever fell as deep into depression as you read about some people, but you often read they also didnt realize it had gotten that bad.

with the idea that you will walk out with pills

Badger mentioned medication as well, and while I wouldn't not do it, it's something I would rather avoid.

You said your job is good but unsatisfying? I'm interpreting that to mean "pays well but you hate doing it"

Not really. It pays well, great benefits, company that actually makes things better for people in this world, etc. I've been here 12 years and I'm highly respected here. The problem is really that I think I'm just burned out now. You seem to become less appreciated(at least openly) as you become more a "fixture" in places. People just get used to you being there and take you for granted. I have very little social interaction in the office, no job peers to work with(solo department), and I generally am un-supervised in day to day work. This leads to me feeling lonely, and bored, and then my productivity drops and I start to just "meh" my way through it. It's also very much a "when it rains, it pours" job, so I may go awhile with no real work to do. I thinking about talking to my supervisor about my feelings lately now that I have a handle on whats going on in my head. I'm contacting some recruiters and thinking about putting in some job applications to other places now also. I dont really want to leave, but I want to dip a toe in the water and see whats out there that might excite me again.

if not more so, as your maximum earning potential.

This is a statement I need to repeat to myself as I go through this. We have a tiny amount of debt, and recently refinanced our house and will be saving $$$ each month. This should pay the debt off in a few months. I feel very guilty about this debt as it's mostly related to my personal hobbies.

Ninjanun

In addition to therapy, I highly recommend reading the book "Feeling Good: the New Mood Therapy" by David D. Burns. A friend gave it to me for my depression, and I found it really helpful. It's cognitive therapy, which is pretty much what most talk therapy is about, too. It has a very high success rate for helping people change their thoughts and attitudes in various ways, which of course helps your mood improve. Let me know if you have any other questions about it.

ceres

Okay that job sounds pretty great. How about trying to move up or take more on within the company? Finding new things to do there and new ways to be helpful within the company you already work for may be a really good, less risky way to shake things up for yourself a bit, and also remind the higher-ups that you're there.

SunDragon

I wish there was room to move up. I could potentially get a raise and a new title but the work would remain the exact same. We are all pretty much one person departments so taking on other work would almost be like taking someone's job. It's also a bit difficult as each of us is pretty specialized.

PeJae

I wouldn't worry about medication. A therapist can't prescribe medication it has to be a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse practitioner (or GP or a few other things not really worth mentioning). Talking to a therapist can be helpful even if its just for a few sessions. It can get you kind of "back on track".

If you aren't opening up to your wife about how work is making you feel you might want to start. A lot of people tend to try and leave the office at the office but the emotional toll work can take on you will come home regardless. The fact you are starting to feel better lately is not really strange I would be more surprised if that wasn't happening. Admitting that there is a problem and trying to find help is therapeutic in itself

Most people go through more than one therapist before they find someone that "clicks". I would talk to your family physician and see who they might recommend.

The one positive thing I will say about being a "fixture" at work is that having that security can let you orientate your life towards things that are fulfilling to you as a person. I'm not talking about hobbies but where you put your emotional energy. Finding things to worry about that aren't on a spreadsheet and things to want that aren't a promotion.

Unknown

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