A death in the family
WatsonJ
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
My father died last Friday. He was 69.
I guess I'm appealing to this internet forum because I have no friends. No support network. The only family I have is my mother and my half-sister. That, and the fact that I cannot sleep and typing this out makes me feel better, if only a little. This is pretty much the only forum I have ever visited with any regularity, and although I have lurked for many years, I seldom post
I guess some exposition is necessary to fully convey the issues I am having. This will be long and rather personal. I do not typically discuss personal matters with strangers on the internet. It's a risk, obviously. The internet is not a warm and fuzzy place, but I have no one else to speak to. I don't know what I expect. I'm not even entirely sure that it is appropriate that I post this here. I may regret doing so later.
I am, for lack of a better word, a loser. I pretty much have been ever since I turned 18. I am currently 28. I live with my parents. I did not get my first job until I was about 19, and I was fired roughly a month later. Afterward, I did not even seek another job until I was 26. I spent the interim moving from college to college, where I managed to finish the basic curriculum before choking on my choice of major. I could not decide. I simply could not imagine myself graduating and getting hired and moving out and being on my own. I felt as though I had learned nothing in college.
And I realized that I was going through a lot of money. Benefits for my tuition had run out and my parents were beginning to pick up the tab - so I dropped out. I didn't want them to spend another dime until I had gotten my shit together. I decided I could not turn 27 and never have had any work experience. So I got a menial, part-time, minimum-wage job working the cash register at a local drug store. That was three years ago and I still work there in the same position at the same pay to this day.
So, for roughly 10 years, I did almost nothing. During my time at college I attended class, sat through lecture, spoke to no one, and returned home immediately afterward. I worked just hard enough on my assignments to not fail, and spent the rest of my time playing video games or watching TV. I went nowhere. I made no friends. I had no relationships. I accomplished nothing - and my time at work has been spent in much the same way.
I can't really say why. I have no excuse. I don't do drugs. I don't drink. I wasn't abused. In fact I was quite blessed. I could not have asked for a better childhood or more opportunity. It occurred to me that I was depressed, but I loathed the idea of being put on any medication or seeking therapy. I wondered why I had no friends, and it occurred to me that I'd never really met anyone that I wanted to hang out with. People made me uncomfortable and speaking to them always felt like a chore. I had almost nothing to say, and typically very little interest in what was being said. I had very little interest anything, really. I realized I had become unpleasant to be around. Not rude, exactly, but... not fun.
The question, "What are you doing", often floated into my mind, and the only response I could think of was: "Waiting". And I would think, "You realize you're going nowhere. You're 28. How will you graduate now? How will you ever have a family of your own? How will you even live?", and I would respond "I won't."
And so I began to contemplate suicide. Life was not so intolerable that I could not continue, but I foresaw that it would become so if nothing changed. I was very cavalier about it. My life had no point. My best years were behind me. I had nothing to look forward to. I was just... waiting. Existing. And I figured I had two reasons to live - concern for my parents, and fear of death. I would not put my parents through such a thing. I would wait until after they had died, and then do as I pleased. My half-sister is a stranger, and significantly older than I am. For as long as I have known her, she has lived apart from us. She has a husband. Children. We do not speak. We have little in common. She does not know me. Why should she miss me?
And now my father is dead. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. And I am devastated.
And so with the history I have presented and, presumably, a greater knowledge of who I am, you may better understand the problems that I face. My father was the wisdom in my family. Not because he demanded it, but because he was best suited for it. He was the most worldly, practical, and knowledgeable man I have ever known - all problems faced by our family benefited greatly from his advice. Whenever my mother and I began a home fix-it project, he would watch us bumbling around and say "I see Larry and Curly, but where's Moe?". Now that he is gone, my mother turns to me for advice and my words carry weight. This frightens me greatly. I am a child living in a man's body. I always have been. I have no worldly knowledge. None. I have never paid a bill. I have never fixed a car. I have never maintained a house or drawn up a budget. My mother is not incompetent, but she is old. Her memory fails her from time to time and the thought that she may become senile terrifies me in a way that I cannot describe. I cannot take care of myself, let alone her. With my father gone, our income is significantly reduced but our debts remain.
My mother is grieving, and I try to be there for her. I tell her there is nothing to be done for the pain but to let time pass. She is a very spiritual woman. I myself have never been a godly man but I have never been more grateful that she has her faith to comfort her. She has many friends and her phone has not stopped ringing since news of my father's death.
My phone, of course, remains silent. I have no one to speak to. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. Nothing has changed. Except now my father is dead, and whatever my life was before has become so much less without him. I do not speak to my mother about this. I do what I can to take worry and grief from her, not add to it.
I know that I must change, for my mother's sake, if nothing else. But I have no idea how. I have not figured it out in 10 years. I saw a doctor the other day - a general practitioner - and asked for some anti-depressants. He obliged. That much is done, I suppose. We'll see if they help. However, with our family finances so reduced in the wake of my father's passing, I don't know that therapy or college is even an option any longer.
As for the rest, I am lost.
I must apologize in advance if I do not reply promptly or appropriately to any responses given. As I said, speaking to people has always made me uncomfortable. I seldom know what to say, and so often end up saying nothing at all.
I guess I'm appealing to this internet forum because I have no friends. No support network. The only family I have is my mother and my half-sister. That, and the fact that I cannot sleep and typing this out makes me feel better, if only a little. This is pretty much the only forum I have ever visited with any regularity, and although I have lurked for many years, I seldom post
I guess some exposition is necessary to fully convey the issues I am having. This will be long and rather personal. I do not typically discuss personal matters with strangers on the internet. It's a risk, obviously. The internet is not a warm and fuzzy place, but I have no one else to speak to. I don't know what I expect. I'm not even entirely sure that it is appropriate that I post this here. I may regret doing so later.
I am, for lack of a better word, a loser. I pretty much have been ever since I turned 18. I am currently 28. I live with my parents. I did not get my first job until I was about 19, and I was fired roughly a month later. Afterward, I did not even seek another job until I was 26. I spent the interim moving from college to college, where I managed to finish the basic curriculum before choking on my choice of major. I could not decide. I simply could not imagine myself graduating and getting hired and moving out and being on my own. I felt as though I had learned nothing in college.
And I realized that I was going through a lot of money. Benefits for my tuition had run out and my parents were beginning to pick up the tab - so I dropped out. I didn't want them to spend another dime until I had gotten my shit together. I decided I could not turn 27 and never have had any work experience. So I got a menial, part-time, minimum-wage job working the cash register at a local drug store. That was three years ago and I still work there in the same position at the same pay to this day.
So, for roughly 10 years, I did almost nothing. During my time at college I attended class, sat through lecture, spoke to no one, and returned home immediately afterward. I worked just hard enough on my assignments to not fail, and spent the rest of my time playing video games or watching TV. I went nowhere. I made no friends. I had no relationships. I accomplished nothing - and my time at work has been spent in much the same way.
I can't really say why. I have no excuse. I don't do drugs. I don't drink. I wasn't abused. In fact I was quite blessed. I could not have asked for a better childhood or more opportunity. It occurred to me that I was depressed, but I loathed the idea of being put on any medication or seeking therapy. I wondered why I had no friends, and it occurred to me that I'd never really met anyone that I wanted to hang out with. People made me uncomfortable and speaking to them always felt like a chore. I had almost nothing to say, and typically very little interest in what was being said. I had very little interest anything, really. I realized I had become unpleasant to be around. Not rude, exactly, but... not fun.
The question, "What are you doing", often floated into my mind, and the only response I could think of was: "Waiting". And I would think, "You realize you're going nowhere. You're 28. How will you graduate now? How will you ever have a family of your own? How will you even live?", and I would respond "I won't."
And so I began to contemplate suicide. Life was not so intolerable that I could not continue, but I foresaw that it would become so if nothing changed. I was very cavalier about it. My life had no point. My best years were behind me. I had nothing to look forward to. I was just... waiting. Existing. And I figured I had two reasons to live - concern for my parents, and fear of death. I would not put my parents through such a thing. I would wait until after they had died, and then do as I pleased. My half-sister is a stranger, and significantly older than I am. For as long as I have known her, she has lived apart from us. She has a husband. Children. We do not speak. We have little in common. She does not know me. Why should she miss me?
And now my father is dead. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. And I am devastated.
And so with the history I have presented and, presumably, a greater knowledge of who I am, you may better understand the problems that I face. My father was the wisdom in my family. Not because he demanded it, but because he was best suited for it. He was the most worldly, practical, and knowledgeable man I have ever known - all problems faced by our family benefited greatly from his advice. Whenever my mother and I began a home fix-it project, he would watch us bumbling around and say "I see Larry and Curly, but where's Moe?". Now that he is gone, my mother turns to me for advice and my words carry weight. This frightens me greatly. I am a child living in a man's body. I always have been. I have no worldly knowledge. None. I have never paid a bill. I have never fixed a car. I have never maintained a house or drawn up a budget. My mother is not incompetent, but she is old. Her memory fails her from time to time and the thought that she may become senile terrifies me in a way that I cannot describe. I cannot take care of myself, let alone her. With my father gone, our income is significantly reduced but our debts remain.
My mother is grieving, and I try to be there for her. I tell her there is nothing to be done for the pain but to let time pass. She is a very spiritual woman. I myself have never been a godly man but I have never been more grateful that she has her faith to comfort her. She has many friends and her phone has not stopped ringing since news of my father's death.
My phone, of course, remains silent. I have no one to speak to. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. Nothing has changed. Except now my father is dead, and whatever my life was before has become so much less without him. I do not speak to my mother about this. I do what I can to take worry and grief from her, not add to it.
I know that I must change, for my mother's sake, if nothing else. But I have no idea how. I have not figured it out in 10 years. I saw a doctor the other day - a general practitioner - and asked for some anti-depressants. He obliged. That much is done, I suppose. We'll see if they help. However, with our family finances so reduced in the wake of my father's passing, I don't know that therapy or college is even an option any longer.
As for the rest, I am lost.
I must apologize in advance if I do not reply promptly or appropriately to any responses given. As I said, speaking to people has always made me uncomfortable. I seldom know what to say, and so often end up saying nothing at all.
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Everyone grieves differently; there's no wrong way to do it. It's going to hurt a lot. But it sounds like you want to use it as a force for good change in your life, and that is probably the most positive way imaginable to deal with tragedy. You deserve a lot of props for that.
When I feel suicidal I find that Reddit's r/suicidewatch is helpful. I do not post. Just reading the threads and responses makes existence slightly less miserable. Perhaps it can have a similar effect for you.
The bit of advice I can give, that others gave me, has to do with your theme of nothing changing while you wait. It may be helpful to enact some changes in your life, even minor ones. It's difficult, and when people gave me this advice I did not immediately act upon it, but you may want to slowly try inching yourself towards minor changes. Even something as simple as trying a new food can help. It sounds stupid and trivial, as most advice does, but those minor changes can sometimes add up to make life slightly less miserable / pointless. Those little instances of growth, of movement, can start to build up over time. You don't need to enact a significant life plan or drastically change overnight. Just try to do one new thing. Then another.
Dealing with loss is difficult. Being alone can be difficult. Do not beat yourself up over it.
I don't know if any of that is helpful. Just try to take care of yourself. And if you have preferences, try to manifest a few of them.
While I don't have great words of wisdom, or anything that hasn't already been said to help you find a way to cope, I will say this:
The internet at large is not warm and fuzzy. In here, though? In here, Ceres is boss. People are going to try and help you, you won't face ridicule.
Many therapists operate on rates that are fairly inexpensive per meeting. Ask your general practitioner for a reference and he should be more than able to help you find someone solid.
Please look at the way you write about yourself and the way you talk about yourself. Now imagine you had children you loved and cared about. Would you talk to them like you talk to yourself?
Shogun Streams Vidya
I would add to this: find a grief group. They are designed to give you support to fall back on and you really need that support right now. And they're generally free, so there's no cost for you to use as an excuse not to attend. It won't replace a therapist but it will help you get through this period without worrying that you are adding to your mother's grief unnecessarily.
Getting on meds is not a bad idea at all, because you certainly sound depressed, but keep on top of them. If they don't work for you, make sure you stay in touch with your doctor as there are other meds that may work for you.
As others have said, therapy is a very good idea for you, meds aren't the only solution, or the whole solution to depression and social isolation. I'd also recommend some physical exercise if you aren't doing any right now, it can help with your stress and give you something else to focus on.
There are some online resources you can try out as well, but don't let trying them stop you from seeking therapy. My province funds this site you may want to check out. mindcheck.ca/. It's targeted at young people, but it should still have some advice for you.
I think feeling like a failure, in one way or another, is an extremely common though at this point. At any major life milestone, it's easy to think "by now I wanted to be married and rich and a" whatever. No one thinks "By the time I'm 28 I want to attend a parent's funeral." You want to have done more with your life, but you haven't. Yet.
Good for you to going to the doctor. Great work. Great decision making at a time that most people can't make any decisions. You're a pretty level headed person. That's a big deal.
If your mom's got people to help her through this, that's great for her. I'd say, between her faith and her close friends, she's got a good support system. Don't be afraid to lean on her a little bit.
The biggest thing I get from your note is that you feel alone and worthless. Get in a support group and you'll suddenly be clear that you're neither. Other people are going through what you are, and getting the advantage of their experience - their successes and failures - is important. Your being there will be of value to you and be a help to others, too. Hearing your story will let someone like you know that they're not alone, either.
Of course it doesn't seem like it, but your life's barely started at 28. I can't tell you how many people I know that either didn't get started in life or hit the reset button at your age. Long-time undergrad suddenly gets serious about school and ends up at a Fortune 500 company. IT Code monkey throws away his secure job, goes back to school and gets a job as an artist and designer. Drunken bro-dude meets the right girl and turns his life around. These stories are representittive of most of my friends. People that have it figured out at 15 are the exception, not the rule. Don't feel bad for not being Doogie Howser.
I'm a dad, and I bet one of the greatest highlights of your father's life was the day you were born. And you're 3 years younger than he was at that point. I also know - for certian - that he was proud of you. He might have though, like you do, that you aren't living up to your potential, but he saw that potential in a way you can't right now. Take some time to just get through this and know that you've got all the time in the world, when you're ready, to make a fresh start.
First and foremost, I agree with ceres advice that you should seek therapy or other professional help. It's not weak to go talk to someone, and if you are talking to a counselor or a support group it will not only help you deal with your grief, but also deal with some of your social anxieties.
Now, I wasn't quite in the same situation as you, but when I was 23-24, I had failed out of college, smoked a lot of pot, worked midnights at a gas station, lived with my parents, and didn't have anything going on in my life. I despaired - just like you are doing - that I was going to me a miserable smoking wreck of a failure. I couldn't get a job working midnights, loading boxes on a truck at a local factory. I got to the point where I started...not 'contemplating'...but thinking about suicide.
Within five years, everything had changed. I was hard working, well respected, and well paid with a job working in IT from a entry-level data entry position. I met a beautiful woman, married her, bought a nice house, and we'd just had a beautiful daughter. She's three now, and it's amazing to think just how completely different my life is today than it was seven or eight years ago. My wife was 26 when her first marriage failed, and she didn't think she would ever meet someone to have a child with. It's hard to pick yourself up or back up, but you can do it.
Now, there is no guarantee that everything will work out the same for you, or that it will be easy. Life is hard and accomplishing anything takes a long time. I completely understand the 'missed the boat' feeling when your friends are graduating from college, getting married, and starting families and you're 'just some loser'. Just remember that life can ALWAYS turn around, but not if you commit suicide. Ok?
Another thing nobody tells you when you grow up is that we are ALL kids in adult bodies, figuring things out as we go along. The day I bought my house, all I was thinking is 'holy shit, someone gave ME a house'. Your dad was wise and knew what to say and do, but inside he had the same fears that he was doing it all wrong. You've probably heard the saying 'fake it until you make it'? Well - that's what we all do at first, until we get comfortable with who we are. There's no shame in feeling that way...nobody goes to bed a child and wakes up the next morning feeling like an adult.
It sounds like you've conquered the first hurdles though. You are not only self-aware, but you want to change (or at least want a REASON to change). Those are huge - it's so easy to stay in our ruts, not deal with scary change, and it often does take something major - a major illness or accident, a death, a pregnancy, to shock us out of it.
Start by setting goals. Write things down. Write down what you want from life, where you want to be in a year, five years, ten years. Do you want to get a degree and good job? Meet a partner to share your life with? Have kids? Travel? Have a bunch of friends? Write a book? Just be able to talk to people without anxiety? Own the most badass computer? Figure out what you want from life and where you would ideally see yourself, and think of small changes you can make to get you there. Write your resume and set a goal of applying to one job per week. Set a goal of paying your own car insurance, or moving into an apartment, and figure out what you realistically need to do to make it happen.
It can be good to make many drastic changes, but when you set lofty goals, it's hard to deal with a lot of change at once. Focus on small defined accomplishments - applying for five jobs, getting a callback / interview, completing a project, getting a date, making a friend, running a mile, and celebrate them. Keep a journal. Write your thoughts, your fears, the places you slip up. Stay honest with yourself and even when you slide backwards (because, you will have setbacks) or when it feels like you are grinding along for no reason, pick yourself up and keep going.
Everything - from knowing how to take care of a house to social skills - is learned. It requires practice. And things, trutth be told, most things, won't work out as planned. No one really knows, we're all just winging it, learning what we can as we go to do better in the future.
Figure out the little things you can do to change your life for the better, and do those. Treat each step, no matter how small you think it is, as the victory it is.
Also, i would second doing some volunteer work. Getting out of your self can be very helpful.
It seems like you want to be a person that has friends, is fun to be around, has a house and family and all that stuff. However, you can;t figure out how to get there. The truth is that it happens one small step at a time. Very few people know with great certainty that they are "on track" most of us are just doing the best from day to day to keep moving forward.
As for your age, your never too old to be better then you were yesterday. One thing i think about a lot that helps me stay motivated some times is.. Today is the day i will look back on and say "i wish i had done more". So try to do more.
There's a lot of other stuff, but I wanted to point to this real quick. Watson, I just want you to know that you're not alone with this feeling. I'm 32 and I think most would consider me successful...and yet every day I feel like what you said.
We don't suddenly become "adults" and know everything. We just slowly, but surely, gain knowledge and experience over the course of our lives, mostly through our mistakes. I know I've made a lot of them, especially in my mid to late 20s. You're not alone, and things do get better.
I will reiterate what Ceres said though. I think you need someone to talk this out with.
One thing that always helps me feel like I'm at least moving along is to pick up something new that I can't in a million years see myself learning to do, and start to learn to do it anyway. Sometimes in order to get out of a rut or anywhere at all, you have to take a chance on yourself.