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Should I come clean? (Close please)
Alt-Zilla
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As this is an alt I'm going to try and be vague... sorry about that.
I recently got married, before I got married both me and my wife were going through some pretty rough times. During those rough times I took up smoking pot. I kept my habit a secret from everyone for almost 2 years. During that time I was never crazy with it, I would generally smoke 3-4 times a week after work just to relax, improve my appetite and help me sleep. Just before the wedding I stopped smoking and haven't picked it back up since. Now that things have improved I feel compelled to tell my wife about my past habit but am afraid that she will get upset at me and if she probes into my reasons for smoking she would feel guilty for being away for so long (one of the reasons I started smoking in the first place). So basically, I'm wondering if at this point should I even bother telling her. Any advice on how to tell her or opinions on if I should tell her or not would be great. Thanks.
I recently got married, before I got married both me and my wife were going through some pretty rough times. During those rough times I took up smoking pot. I kept my habit a secret from everyone for almost 2 years. During that time I was never crazy with it, I would generally smoke 3-4 times a week after work just to relax, improve my appetite and help me sleep. Just before the wedding I stopped smoking and haven't picked it back up since. Now that things have improved I feel compelled to tell my wife about my past habit but am afraid that she will get upset at me and if she probes into my reasons for smoking she would feel guilty for being away for so long (one of the reasons I started smoking in the first place). So basically, I'm wondering if at this point should I even bother telling her. Any advice on how to tell her or opinions on if I should tell her or not would be great. Thanks.
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If it is something in your past that is indeed past, and will never come up again then leave it in your past. Best case scenario an opportunity to share the story as a colorful anecdote of your life before marriage may come up and you can share. but leave out any overtones of blame.
Worst case scenario, you have not resolved the issues that led you to smoke in the first place and you are looking for a reason to dig up an old fight. Don't do that. If that is the case, you can choose to discuss the issue without casting blame and making your wife feel bad.
If you have reason to think she would get super upset about weed, then maybe don't tell her.
If she'd just get a little mad you should probably just tell her and quit worrying about it. I doubt she will be that angry, since you don't do it anymore.
What is your wife's attitude about pot? Did you promise her earlier in your relationship you wouldn't smoke it? Is she someone who has always hated and never smoked it? Do you think this will greatly change the way she thinks about you?
I can't tell you about your wife and your relationship, but my experience has been she will care far less about WHAT you did, and more about the lies / betrayal around it. She may be mad you never told her how rough it was you and what you did to cope, and you'll have to sack up and do better at communicating.
If you think this is something she really doesn't need to know and doesn't fundamentally change your relationship, it's really up to you if you tell her or not. I don't think you are comfortable keeping this a secret if you are coming here and asking, so it's probably better you discuss this with her sooner rather than later.
Just if you do tell her, be honest about how you felt / where you were. How rough it was for you, and how you didn't tell her because you didn't want her to feel guilty / miss out on something for your sake. Share feelings, accept your blame, and don't try and make it 'her fault' because she couldn't read your mind.
Only you can really decide or know, so good luck in whatever you choose. Remember these things have a way of coming out eventually.
Generally this, with two caveats.
If she's a person who feels like any omission is automatically deceit, then you should probably tell her.
If you're a person who wears guilt on your sleeve, then you should probably tell her.
Otherwise, let it ride.
Never came up. We never really talked about it.
She knows people that smoke and she never seemed to care so long as they didn't move on to harder stuff. She was actually at someone's house before the wedding and those people had some weed and she didn't throw a fit and leave or anything so I assume she's "ok" with it but we never discussed it.
I think the big reason I want to come clean is I don't like the idea that I was able to hide something from her, though it was easy with her living 2000 miles away and us only able to talk once a day most days.
As for it being in my past, I currently feel no reason to go back to it. I still have my vape but that's more because I can't bring myself to throw out something I spend a fair amount of money on. Though I suppose I could give it away or something.
"While you were away and I was stressed out all the time I smoked a bunch of pot."
"...Okay... are you still smoking?"
"No."
"Is there anything left in the house that could get us busted for possession?"
"No."
"So?"
"I just thought you should know."
"This is the most pointless confession ever."
And then I would be annoyed that you started to get me worked up over something that turned out to be silly. Chances are really good she is not going to give a shit and you're going to make her think that you're starting to tell her this because you're leading into something much worse. In other words, this is not an interesting secret. Don't bother.
Here is the exception: If you have had any kind of problem with drugs or alcohol and their use in the past, then I do think that yes, you should definitely tell her and talk to her about it. Not because it's something you're still doing, but because it's something you caved and did once under stress, and that's something she should know so that you two can deal with it together. From your posts it doesn't strike me that this is the case, but if it is and we're just not getting that part, then that's my caveat. IF you have ever had a drug problem, absolutely tell her. Otherwise, be happy that you don't have more interesting secrets.
I can get not wanting to hide it from her, but I don't this has to be treated as a "confession" which assumes you did something wrong. Just be very up front and blunt about it (pun not intended). It sounds like she doesn't have a problem with it in general, you just want her to know that you did so. I don't think there's a really compelling reason to tell her, but if you really want to then just tell her like it's not a big deal because it's not.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
Is it a Volcano? I'll take it.
Seriously though, if it's bothering you this much you should probably just talk to her about it. Better to get out in front of a story than to be playing catch up after it gets out. It doesn't sound like she has an irrational hatred for it or anything so I think you'll be fine. Good luck.
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Let's be 100% clear- unless you live in a state where weed is legal or you have a medical Rx it is absolutely paraphernalia. You (the OP) smoked out of it and likely if you cleaned it didn't get all of the weed residue out of it. So if god forbid cops catch you with it you can be charged with possession of drug paraphernalia. Before you tell your wife you should get rid of it or have a plan to get rid of it. I imagine that's what she will care about more than the pot use itself, so make sure it's going soon or already gone when you sit down with her.
And really, if it's a Volcano in good shape, I'll take it.
Oh, and for the people that asked; no I've never had a drug/drinking problem and neither does she so even if I told her I'm starting to think that it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
Anyway, I'm thinking I may just leave things be unless it comes up somehow. As some have said its over and done with so no reason to drudge it up.
For now I'll leave this thread open just to get a more opinions.
But I'm pro-telling her though I don't think you have to tell her. I don't think this is anything serious enough that would break a relationship, but I can see how just being open and honest would be better for the long-run. Even if she's like "Well, this was stupid, I understand but don't care cause you're not doing it now," at least all you did was waste three min of her time.
And not because I think this is a serious issue, or she needs to know, but because you feel like it's a secret.
Keeping the little secrets makes it easier to keep the big ones.
It’s not a very important country most of the time
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I mean, a lot of things have happened in my past that are inconsequential, and I don't tell people about them randomly. This seems to fall into the realm of "I built a patio without getting a building permit" in my mind, or "I was pulled over and got a ticket for speeding." That also means I see no reason why you should hide this from her, which is what I think your point is. There's a difference between hiding something and simply not bringing it up.
Still, unless you're planning on smoking in the future, I'm not sure why you'd want to keep your equipment, even if you did spend a fair amount on it. if you want to keep it, then it seems like you're hiding it and you plan to smoke in the future. If you get rid of it, that's an opportunity to casually say "Oh yeah I did this for a little while when we were living apart, but I'm not interested in doing it in the future so I may as well get rid of it" or similar. But I'm not sure what the point of a confession is? Usually, these kinds of confessions are to spur some type of action.
Pot - tell her or not. Maybe even tell her to float it, but if she doesn't press on how much you smoked, don't go into detail. As long as you aren't hiding serious abuse / addiction and aren't doing it anymore, it's really not that big of a deal. I wouldn't keep the secret myself, but I wouldn't necessarily volunteer all the details up. My wife and I have a few things from our pasts (mostly mine) that aren't 'off limits', but are basically 'keep the details to yourself'.
On the other hand, if you are going to be in a marriage and stuffing your feelings down because you don't feel you can communicate them - for whatever reason - that's poison to a marriage. If you are unhappy - even if you aren't unhappy now but WERE unhappy, she needs to know that. If she thinks everything was good with you, or doesn't know how bad they were, she has the wrong 'baseline' understanding of your feelings.
Resentment and lack of communication about feelings becomes a cancer on a relationship. Work on that and work on telling her. There are times in a marriage you need to suck up your feelings and just live with it, but they should be the exception.