ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
Hmm.. I wonder if one of our many tragic socks, who lost their partners long ago, would work for this.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Yeah, either one of those homemade solutions with rice or barley, or one of the store bought ones that are basically the same thing. The long skinny ones (like you'd make with a tube sock) are nice because you can wrap them around stuff easily.
I submitted an entry to Lego Ideas, and if 10,000 people support me, it'll be turned into an actual Lego set!If you'd like to see and support my submission, follow this link.
Also, my daughter got some polar bear jammies for Valentine's Day:
"I'm covered in polar bears! I have literally never been happier!"
I submitted an entry to Lego Ideas, and if 10,000 people support me, it'll be turned into an actual Lego set!If you'd like to see and support my submission, follow this link.
I submitted an entry to Lego Ideas, and if 10,000 people support me, it'll be turned into an actual Lego set!If you'd like to see and support my submission, follow this link.
Your daughter is going to get polar tattoos. Soon.
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MichaelLCIn what furnace was thy brain?ChicagoRegistered Userregular
edited February 2015
At work on a bulletin board I posted a clip art picture of a polar bear with the words, " A polar bear has over 120 points of articulation." below.
It's been there for a year and no one has moved it.
MichaelLC on
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FortyTwostrongest man in the world The Land of Pleasant Living Registered Userregular
So, kinda feeling the isolation of being a new dad. Thanks SE for being around.
So, kinda feeling the isolation of being a new dad. Thanks SE for being around.
I found one of the things that helped with this was getting out of the house on the regular, even if it was just twenty minutes at the grocery store. Being out among other adults and society helped me feel connected.
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FortyTwostrongest man in the world The Land of Pleasant Living Registered Userregular
So, kinda feeling the isolation of being a new dad. Thanks SE for being around.
I found one of the things that helped with this was getting out of the house on the regular, even if it was just twenty minutes at the grocery store. Being out among other adults and society helped me feel connected.
Yeah I get that, work has kinda helped - but it has also sucked recently too. But that is another issue. entirely that just kind of exacerbates this issue. Its a vicious circle: Feel isolated, get shitty about it, understand that my wife probably is feeling ti worse, feel bad for feeling bad, uuugh.
Its all just adjusting to a new world. This feeling to, shall pass.
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind talking to you about it.. he went through it less than two years ago. He's come to really love being a dad, though I think it took him some time.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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FortyTwostrongest man in the world The Land of Pleasant Living Registered Userregular
I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind talking to you about it.. he went through it less than two years ago. He's come to really love being a dad, though I think it took him some time.
god no, I love being a dad! Just feeling a little isolated is all.
GrobianWhat's on sale?Pliers!Registered Userregular
I'm in my second stretch of parental time, so no work. But I found a weekly "dad's cafe" where other dads like me meet up with their kids and that's great.
Better than all other baby activities that are usually full of mothers (nothing against mothers, you're all great)
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
No really, I hate hanging out with other moms, I would be there in a heartbeat.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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GrobianWhat's on sale?Pliers!Registered Userregular
Well, they wouldn't let you in, there's a strict penis policy at the door. (Actually I don't know if that ever came up. They do get emails from single moms asking if it's a meetup for single dads and if they would host like a date night or something).
Apparently next week we'll have a guest there: a Japanese journalist who wants to write about German parental time (for dads) for a business magazine.
I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind talking to you about it.. he went through it less than two years ago. He's come to really love being a dad, though I think it took him some time.
god no, I love being a dad! Just feeling a little isolated is all.
It happens. What's helped me is just looking at the little guy and going through the motions in my head if I wasn't there or if I was off doing something selfish. Especially in the early months, there are a lot of sacrifices and you go into a bit of a black hole friends-wise as all of your time is soothe-assist with house chores-diaper-work-get some sleep-repeat.
It gets better once the three of you have a schedule and a rhythm (for us it was around 4 months?). Don't beat yourself up about any of it, be proud that you're a dedicated father and figure out the things you really want to do when you do have time.
I'm in my second stretch of parental time, so no work. But I found a weekly "dad's cafe" where other dads like me meet up with their kids and that's great.
Better than all other baby activities that are usually full of mothers (nothing against mothers, you're all great)
Oh man, I wish I could find something like that around here, finding other Dad's to chat to is difficult. There's one Dad who takes his son to the same gymnastics class as Taz and we chat, but I'm so terrible at turning 'casual chat before class' into 'organise to hang out', so it'd be nice to have more options.
I'm generally fairly hermit-like in nature, but I'm definitely starting to feel the isolation since moving to Ottawa in December - I work from home and have no friends locally, so when I do get the urge to be social I don't really have any options.
So last night I made some chocolates, and left them on the table to cool because that stuff takes a while to set completely.
Apparently sometime during the night Anya woke up, got out of bed, went into the kitchen, ate one, and then went back into her bedroom where my mom was sleeping with her and announced "I ate some chocolate!"
Yeah, we don't have a car here either - it's really limiting us, particularly with the cold (had to skip Taz's gymnastics this morning because I wasn't comfortable walking him 20 minutes at -21C). We've made the decision today that we're going to have to get one, which sucks because I really don't want to spend that money, but it's not really tenable to stuck in the house for a year.
One of the hardest things my wife and I learned after we first became parents was that not all of your friends from the time before you had kids make the transition to the time after you have kids.
But then you (hopefully) find other parents to become friends with, which is great, because then you can share war stories with a sympathetic ear.
Switch Friend Code: SW-6732-9515-9697
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
Well, they wouldn't let you in, there's a strict penis policy at the door. (Actually I don't know if that ever came up. They do get emails from single moms asking if it's a meetup for single dads and if they would host like a date night or something).
Apparently next week we'll have a guest there: a Japanese journalist who wants to write about German parental time (for dads) for a business magazine.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
That's a legitimate reaction but there are substantive differences in the mom vs. dad experience and I can see the appeal of a group that's primarily one or the other. If it were my group I wouldn't turn anyone away but if it's advertised as a dad's group you probably aren't going to get many moms showing up for it.
Speaking for myself, things have definitely gotten better at the four month mark. The past three weeks have marked a stability of schedule and behaviour that just had not been there, which in turn has allowed me to get back to a more 'normal' life.
Though sometimes I kinda curse having had a fall baby. She's now at the age and awareness where I feel like I could strap her into the carrier and go walk for an hour, but it's too cold to support life outside. Definitely can't wait for Spring to roll around.
That's a legitimate reaction but there are substantive differences in the mom vs. dad experience and I can see the appeal of a group that's primarily one or the other. If it were my group I wouldn't turn anyone away but if it's advertised as a dad's group you probably aren't going to get many moms showing up for it.
While this is, I guess, somewhat true there is something else troubling about it. Not all fathers have a penis. I would also argue that largely parenting problems transcend gender, but I am a super weirdo and could just not be getting it.
there is absolutely different parent stuff from a father perspective, especially from 0-3. Just, like, biologically. The dynamic is simply different.
mothers go through actual chemical and hormonal changes that bond them to the child. If they nurse, there's further emotional and hormonal exchange.
Fathers actually also go through a hormonal change (testosterone drops), but it isn't as significant as the mother's, and the emotional bond is different as well, and can take longer. When I was a first time father, it took me, I don't know, four to five months to feel really bound to Henry, and even then it took a while after that to feel it super strongly. For Laine, it was like he was a part of her from the moment he was born.
I didn't really have anyone to talk about that with, because it feels weird to say that you love your child but don't feel connected to them. For a long time, it felt like having a ton of new work and responsibility and rarely like a relationship or paternal bond. It would have been nice to talk to other dads about it, because once I started looking around I found out that it was super common.
i was welcomed warmly into what was for all intents and purposes a mother's group, and i'd like to think the opposite would be true as well. they're support groups, not guaranteed spaces for shared experience - with kids, that's unlikely to happen always anyway. any perceived difference in gendered parenting experience could be no greater than the difference in parenting wildly different human babies themselves.
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GrobianWhat's on sale?Pliers!Registered Userregular
The penis thing was a silly joke as I thought was made apparent by the ridiculousness of a penis check at the door and the remark in brackets that the situation never came up while I was there.
I can't imagine someone being turned away at the door there. But on the other hand, I do think a safe space for dads is needed and moms have plenty of safe spaces here.
Germany has a very progressive (compared to other countries) system for parental leave, that heavily incentivizes men taking time off. I live in our biggest city with like 3 million population. Afaict this specific dad's cafe is the only offering of its kind in the whole metropolitan area.
So I personally would find it unfair if mothers butted in.
And as for the difference in experience: on top of what Langley wrote about hormones there's obviously also the gendered reaction of the society to deal with. Even with our system, dads get shit for taking parental leave, dads get asked "doesn't your daughter have a mother?" When they take sick leave to care for their sick child or get "nice" comments like "oh, first day trip with daddy" when you're in the train on your 5th month of parental leave.
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
So, as progressive as they are, there's still no consideration for female partners or trans fathers who haven't reached a particular (passing?) point in transition or trans fathers who carried the child or people who don't fall into the gender binary and don't feel comfortable around moms.
You have to look like a "dad".
That's sad.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
I'll make up for society's failing and host a Google hangout for any and all self proclaimed dads. Come one come all! Just let me know when you want to do it and I'll really do it. I offer the hangout because I'm the weird one who lives in the middle of nowhere and it's the best I can think of to do.
Moms can come too. But be aware, I'll be titling a dads hangout!!
On the upside, I was widely considered to be Father of the Millennium because I changed a damned diaper. Go go low paternal expectations, I guess.
I submitted an entry to Lego Ideas, and if 10,000 people support me, it'll be turned into an actual Lego set!If you'd like to see and support my submission, follow this link.
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GrobianWhat's on sale?Pliers!Registered Userregular
So, as progressive as they are, there's still no consideration for female partners or trans fathers who haven't reached a particular (passing?) point in transition or trans fathers who carried the child or people who don't fall into the gender binary and don't feel comfortable around moms.
You have to look like a "dad".
That's sad.
Well for one: sadly yes. Germany is really shitty regarding any and all trans issues. Like, it's getting better but we're way behind there compared to other social issues. (Quick reminder that English isn't my first or second language and I feel "issues" sounds wrong but couldn't think of a better word)
Secondly I explicitly said that I can't imagine someone being turned away, so I don't know where you get the "have to look like a dad" from? Is it because I talked about mothers and fathers? That's a bit nitpicking, but I never defined those terms and certainly wouldn't on sex but probably on gender. Does that still exclude some people? Sure, I know a lesbian couple where the one who didn't give birth certainly went through "typical dad's problems". Personally I'd include her but I can see an argument made for excluding her. There's a million places for mothers and half a million for parents (any and all genders) but just the one for fathers.
So, as progressive as they are, there's still no consideration for female partners or trans fathers who haven't reached a particular (passing?) point in transition or trans fathers who carried the child or people who don't fall into the gender binary and don't feel comfortable around moms.
You have to look like a "dad".
That's sad.
Well for one: sadly yes. Germany is really shitty regarding any and all trans issues. Like, it's getting better but we're way behind there compared to other social issues. (Quick reminder that English isn't my first or second language and I feel "issues" sounds wrong but couldn't think of a better word)
Secondly I explicitly said that I can't imagine someone being turned away, so I don't know where you get the "have to look like a dad" from? Is it because I talked about mothers and fathers? That's a bit nitpicking, but I never defined those terms and certainly wouldn't on sex but probably on gender. Does that still exclude some people? Sure, I know a lesbian couple where the one who didn't give birth certainly went through "typical dad's problems". Personally I'd include her but I can see an argument made for excluding her. There's a million places for mothers and half a million for parents (any and all genders) but just the one for fathers.
Yeah, honestly as a guy you get a whole different batch of responses and reactions vs. women (gay or not). It's less about the "status" and more about baby parenting while male. We're reasonably traditional in my household, but I'm quite involved in everything, so it does irk when people totally gloss over me and ask for my wife's contact info for decision stuff.
There are legitimately other issues that are more related to being the partner who did not give birth/is feeding the child, but quite often for Dads those are less of an issue as they're often shared across sexes and situations (parents who adopt, for example).
Posts
Oh hush up and eat your fudge.
"I'm covered in polar bears! I have literally never been happier!"
(She kinda likes polar bears.)
It's been there for a year and no one has moved it.
Fortytwo's blog about fatherhood, life, and everything.
Yeah I get that, work has kinda helped - but it has also sucked recently too. But that is another issue. entirely that just kind of exacerbates this issue. Its a vicious circle: Feel isolated, get shitty about it, understand that my wife probably is feeling ti worse, feel bad for feeling bad, uuugh.
Its all just adjusting to a new world. This feeling to, shall pass.
Fortytwo's blog about fatherhood, life, and everything.
god no, I love being a dad! Just feeling a little isolated is all.
Fortytwo's blog about fatherhood, life, and everything.
Better than all other baby activities that are usually full of mothers (nothing against mothers, you're all great)
Apparently next week we'll have a guest there: a Japanese journalist who wants to write about German parental time (for dads) for a business magazine.
It happens. What's helped me is just looking at the little guy and going through the motions in my head if I wasn't there or if I was off doing something selfish. Especially in the early months, there are a lot of sacrifices and you go into a bit of a black hole friends-wise as all of your time is soothe-assist with house chores-diaper-work-get some sleep-repeat.
It gets better once the three of you have a schedule and a rhythm (for us it was around 4 months?). Don't beat yourself up about any of it, be proud that you're a dedicated father and figure out the things you really want to do when you do have time.
Oh man, I wish I could find something like that around here, finding other Dad's to chat to is difficult. There's one Dad who takes his son to the same gymnastics class as Taz and we chat, but I'm so terrible at turning 'casual chat before class' into 'organise to hang out', so it'd be nice to have more options.
I'm generally fairly hermit-like in nature, but I'm definitely starting to feel the isolation since moving to Ottawa in December - I work from home and have no friends locally, so when I do get the urge to be social I don't really have any options.
That was really rough at times.
Apparently sometime during the night Anya woke up, got out of bed, went into the kitchen, ate one, and then went back into her bedroom where my mom was sleeping with her and announced "I ate some chocolate!"
But then you (hopefully) find other parents to become friends with, which is great, because then you can share war stories with a sympathetic ear.
Though sometimes I kinda curse having had a fall baby. She's now at the age and awareness where I feel like I could strap her into the carrier and go walk for an hour, but it's too cold to support life outside. Definitely can't wait for Spring to roll around.
For everyone else, here's what the Mrs has been workin' on for the Nephnew
While this is, I guess, somewhat true there is something else troubling about it. Not all fathers have a penis. I would also argue that largely parenting problems transcend gender, but I am a super weirdo and could just not be getting it.
mothers go through actual chemical and hormonal changes that bond them to the child. If they nurse, there's further emotional and hormonal exchange.
Fathers actually also go through a hormonal change (testosterone drops), but it isn't as significant as the mother's, and the emotional bond is different as well, and can take longer. When I was a first time father, it took me, I don't know, four to five months to feel really bound to Henry, and even then it took a while after that to feel it super strongly. For Laine, it was like he was a part of her from the moment he was born.
I didn't really have anyone to talk about that with, because it feels weird to say that you love your child but don't feel connected to them. For a long time, it felt like having a ton of new work and responsibility and rarely like a relationship or paternal bond. It would have been nice to talk to other dads about it, because once I started looking around I found out that it was super common.
I can't imagine someone being turned away at the door there. But on the other hand, I do think a safe space for dads is needed and moms have plenty of safe spaces here.
Germany has a very progressive (compared to other countries) system for parental leave, that heavily incentivizes men taking time off. I live in our biggest city with like 3 million population. Afaict this specific dad's cafe is the only offering of its kind in the whole metropolitan area.
So I personally would find it unfair if mothers butted in.
And as for the difference in experience: on top of what Langley wrote about hormones there's obviously also the gendered reaction of the society to deal with. Even with our system, dads get shit for taking parental leave, dads get asked "doesn't your daughter have a mother?" When they take sick leave to care for their sick child or get "nice" comments like "oh, first day trip with daddy" when you're in the train on your 5th month of parental leave.
You have to look like a "dad".
That's sad.
Moms can come too. But be aware, I'll be titling a dads hangout!!
Well for one: sadly yes. Germany is really shitty regarding any and all trans issues. Like, it's getting better but we're way behind there compared to other social issues. (Quick reminder that English isn't my first or second language and I feel "issues" sounds wrong but couldn't think of a better word)
Secondly I explicitly said that I can't imagine someone being turned away, so I don't know where you get the "have to look like a dad" from? Is it because I talked about mothers and fathers? That's a bit nitpicking, but I never defined those terms and certainly wouldn't on sex but probably on gender. Does that still exclude some people? Sure, I know a lesbian couple where the one who didn't give birth certainly went through "typical dad's problems". Personally I'd include her but I can see an argument made for excluding her. There's a million places for mothers and half a million for parents (any and all genders) but just the one for fathers.
Yeah, honestly as a guy you get a whole different batch of responses and reactions vs. women (gay or not). It's less about the "status" and more about baby parenting while male. We're reasonably traditional in my household, but I'm quite involved in everything, so it does irk when people totally gloss over me and ask for my wife's contact info for decision stuff.
There are legitimately other issues that are more related to being the partner who did not give birth/is feeding the child, but quite often for Dads those are less of an issue as they're often shared across sexes and situations (parents who adopt, for example).