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Had sex for the first time with a prostitute, and regret it deeply.

Mysterio321Mysterio321 Registered User new member
I had sex for the first time with a prostitute yesterday. I wore protection. But I couldn't go inside her, she wound up giving me "manual stimulation". It was in 10 minutes. It was meant to be oral sex but became that instead, and something came over me and I just went with it. I feel deep shame and regret especially since it was my first time. I can't live it down, even though only me and her know about it, well did, I still feel horrible and disgusting. How do get over it and move on?

Posts

  • FreiFrei A French Prometheus Unbound DeadwoodRegistered User regular
    Well, first, I'm going to operate under the assumption that prostitution is legal where you live, as I wouldn't want to discuss anything illegal here, as per the rules.

    If it was consensual sex, there's nothing to be ashamed of, even if the service was paid for. There certainly is a stigma attached to it, but there are many reasons one might pay for sex, and even if yours was because you were lonely or wanted to get your first time over with or whatever, it is still simply an exchange and nothing to be ashamed of as long as the girl is providing the professional service of her own free will and is not being coerced or etc etc etc.

    That won't absolve your guilt any, though, I know. The only thing that will get you over this is time. You're going to have to feel ashamed, try to examine why you do and why you feel it was a mistake, learn from it, and then eventually it will just be a footnote in your life that you rarely, if ever, think about.

    Are you the magic man?
  • kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited August 2013
    If you have those emotions w/r/t sex, then I would suggest you reach out to a professional more generally for help with your sexuality-related issues. If your post was "i felt bad b/c I perpetuated a system of not truly voluntary prostitution" or some structural/systemic guilt for engaging in prostitution, it would be a different question, but that the act itself makes you feel unclean and disgusting and that you were a virgin makes me think there are many more issues you should explore.

    kaliyama on
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  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    It is normal to feel shame, but there is no reason for you to feel that way. You wore protection, I applaud you for doing that, do the same the next time you have sex with a prostitute or with any woman you have sex in the future with no plans for a serious relationship, this way you protect yourself and avoid getting an unwanted pregnancy. Once you meet your special one (if you plan to marry someday) both can get tested and have sex naturally.

    Again, there is no reason for you to feel ashamed, sex is important, and necessary for a normal life, and for one's mental sanity.


    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • bwaniebwanie Posting into the void Registered User regular
    without knowing what exactly you are ashamed about in this encounter it's hard to give any meaningful advice on dealing with it.

    That said, if you think you've cheapened yourself by paying for sex, i'd say it's not that different to lowering your standards well below what you're comfortable with, just to get laid.

    You tried it, so now you can knock it and move on.

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  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    I had sex for the first time with a prostitute yesterday. I wore protection. But I couldn't go inside her, she wound up giving me "manual stimulation". It was in 10 minutes. It was meant to be oral sex but became that instead, and something came over me and I just went with it. I feel deep shame and regret especially since it was my first time. I can't live it down, even though only me and her know about it, well did, I still feel horrible and disgusting. How do get over it and move on?

    Feeling guilty means that you either did something that violates your own values/principles or something that you think will reflect negatively on you in the eyes of other people that you care about the opinions of (or both). Given that nobody else even knows about what you did, it's probably the former - so I'd recommend asking yourself which of your principles you broke, why you broke it, why you have that principle and whether in hindsight the principle or the action that broke it is better for you / more important to you.

    Understanding why you did something, even if later you regret it or disagree with your past self about it, helps. You can also use a time like this to decide whether some of your beliefs should change, or to strengthen your grip on your beliefs so that you do not cross the line with what you think is right / wrong again.

    With Love and Courage
  • Mysterio321Mysterio321 Registered User new member
    Thanks for the advice. And for those concerned it was consensual. I'm not disgusted or ashamed by the act of sex itself. But I think really it was the fact she wasn't attractive, semi-doable, but not attractive. Though I guess it does have to do with my morals and values, which I do believe in fully. But in that moment I lost sight of things, as with everything else I've done as of late, and I had the oppurtunity right there in front of me to finally experience the act of sex and I just went with it. But what really is bothering me I guess, when I truly think about it, is the fact she was unattractive. But I guess at this point all I can do is learn from the experience, remember my mistake and move on.

  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, perhaps she is unattractive to you, but for someone else she has beautiful eyes or very nice and delicate feet or just a gorgeous skin, who knows?, keep in mind though that many people have experienced what you describe, sometines we lose sight due to external or internal factors, the past is what makes life an experience, we live.



    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    You're torn up cause the hooker you visited wasn't attractive enough in retrospect?

    Really?

  • MrtimothyMrtimothy software dev in training seattleRegistered User new member
    There's a lot of stigma around prostitution- there's a lot of stigma around a lot of stuff. Prostitution is a tricky thing because there are very real and very negative institutions built around it.

    If there's no harm done though, there's no harm done. There's no use being ashamed of mistakes, and we learn from our mistakes. Don't dwell on this, and sorry you had a negative experience.

    In the meantime, cheers for the positive experiences, the times we learn, and the times we grow.

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  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    Djeet wrote: »
    You're torn up cause the hooker you visited wasn't attractive enough in retrospect?

    Really?

    Yeah, this struck me as a bit odd too.

  • LibrarianLibrarian The face of liberal fascism Registered User regular
    Really, if the thing that worries you the most about sex with a prostitute is that the prostitute you have been with does not rank high enough on your hotness scale, I think you found your calling and better luck next time...

  • DaMoonRulzDaMoonRulz Mare ImbriumRegistered User regular
    I think I get it.

    If you have to resort to a prostitute to get in bed with a supermodel, well of course, it's a supermodel and way out of your league.

    But if you have to pay to be with someone below average then that reflects on how undesirable you are.

    So the problem he's having with her attractiveness is really how it reflects on him.

    Does this make any sense? It's still early.

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  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    uh, technically this is not "sex" and you are still a virgin. so it's not like you really ruined your first time. maybe your first handy is a bit tarnished, but whatever, a LOT of people's first sexual contact was with not with their dream girl, and a bit regrettable. Hell, my first time having actual sex was with my friends cousin at a party whom i had never met before, and never saw/spoke to again.

  • zagdrobzagdrob Registered User regular
    I can understand someone feeling ashamed that they paid a prostitute for sex in general - after all, there is a very real stigma about prostitution / paying for sex in general. I haven't gone to a strip club in a long time, but when I was younger and did go I felt ashamed afterwards just over the amount of money I spent when I had no real 'enjoyment'. You're not alone - just realize that's not a unique feeling.

    Also, there is a stigma connected to the first time 'meaning something' - as if it's still the 1950's and people's first time is their super-special and perfect wedding night, and they only have one partner their entire lives...and that was hardly true even back then on all levels. Here's a secret - most people's first time (or first few times) are tense, awkward disasters.

    It's easy to feel ashamed about having sex with someone you consider well below your standards - yet again, very real stigma. Bad decisions - alcohol, availability, etc...they happen to people. I don't know if it's 'most' people, but an awful lot of people - especially in hindsight - regret or feel ashamed about one or more times they've had sex. I know I've got a few times I would happily undo if I could go back in time.

    You'll be ok. If it feels really bad and doesn't go away, you might want to find someone to talk to about it, but otherwise just chalk it up to life experience. Also, not to play with technicalities or anything, but if all she did was give you manual stimulation, that still leaves a lot for you to share with someone you really want to be with.

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    The whole stigma regarding prostitution is dumb as hell.

    In your particular case, okay, maybe she wasn't Miranda Kerr. But whatever, you showed up, you got a handjob, you went home, you felt bad after.

    Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to sack up. Almost everybody I know has had sex that they later regret. Just be happy that yours was with a professional who wasn't as pretty as you would have liked. At least you don't have AIDS.

    It's really not that big of a deal.

    You think it's some big thing, but this has been going on since some single cavelady that wasn't much good at hunting needed more food than she had.

    Just move on with your life. Put this event out of your mind, focus on spending time with family and friends, look for a girlfriend. Get tested just to be absolutely sure in case she had the herp and you didn't use a condom, but yeah, keep going with the rest of your life, man. Nobody ever has to know if you don't want them to.

  • zepherinzepherin Russian warship, go fuck yourself Registered User regular
    The whole stigma regarding prostitution is dumb as hell.

    In your particular case, okay, maybe she wasn't Miranda Kerr. But whatever, you showed up, you got a handjob, you went home, you felt bad after.

    Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to sack up. Almost everybody I know has had sex that they later regret. Just be happy that yours was with a professional who wasn't as pretty as you would have liked. At least you don't have AIDS.

    It's really not that big of a deal.

    You think it's some big thing, but this has been going on since some single cavelady that wasn't much good at hunting needed more food than she had.

    Just move on with your life. Put this event out of your mind, focus on spending time with family and friends, look for a girlfriend. Get tested just to be absolutely sure in case she had the herp and you didn't use a condom, but yeah, keep going with the rest of your life, man. Nobody ever has to know if you don't want them to.
    I agree with this. If your first time isn't awkward, terrifying and frankly not good, then it wasn't really your first time. I always equate it to you always remember the first time you had sex, and you always remember the first time you had sex and it was amazing. And you marry the first girl who puts it to you so well you knock the mattress off the bed Hiyooo

    But seriously sex is both personal, and a byproduct of experience. Someone who has had sex 100s of times is going to have a different perspective on it than someone who has had sex 3 times. This is not a competition, this is not something you are going to win. "Getting your virginity out of the way." Is some silly shit. This isn't even about the first time being special, this is about viewing sex and virginity as a social status. At the end of the day. Who cares? The only people who should care are the people who are part of the act of having sex, it is nobody elses business. Don't get syphilis, wear a condom.

  • kaliyamakaliyama Left to find less-moderated fora Registered User regular
    edited August 2013
    Thanks for the advice. And for those concerned it was consensual. I'm not disgusted or ashamed by the act of sex itself. But I think really it was the fact she wasn't attractive, semi-doable, but not attractive. Though I guess it does have to do with my morals and values, which I do believe in fully. But in that moment I lost sight of things, as with everything else I've done as of late, and I had the oppurtunity right there in front of me to finally experience the act of sex and I just went with it. But what really is bothering me I guess, when I truly think about it, is the fact she was unattractive. But I guess at this point all I can do is learn from the experience, remember my mistake and move on.

    I have been trying to figure out why your posts have me so convinced you are approaching all this wrong. I don't really know what your attitudes towards sex are, but you clearly got some issues to work through and I encourage you do that with a professional. I think maybe it's in part to your unspecified "morals and values" call-out, which apparently permit you to have sex with a prostitute but not really enjoy it or respect her.

    Generally, shame + sex = a bad combo, especially when the shame is because you think your partner isn't that physically attractive. It leads to everything from only having unimaginative sex to not being able to perform to not being able to climax. I mean, you want to have sex with people you find physically attractive, but your post suggests you have shamed yourself by sleeping with somebody who is "semi-doable" instead of 100% doable or something. This is a really unhealthy attitude to have because it essentially turns sex - which should be fun and enjoyable - into a contest where you are trying to have sex with the hottest person you can find or you are a failure.

    This attitude is what leads to "trophy" wives and husbands - e.g. somebody you nail because they are physically attractive and so make you look good, even if they don't satisfy you in any other aspect of your life. Now, you need to be attracted to your partner, but the way you describe this suggest your values are out of whack. Having dated really hot and otherwise incompatible, let me tell you that it is not a good life goal. I mean, fine, do it for a lark, but don't think that you're a failure if you're not dating somebody with supermodel good looks.

    Also, you should be realistic in terms of expecting a partner of roughly equal good looks (though this is often measured on different dimensions - I find most women tend to be as uncompromising on height as most men are on weight). You really don't want to be the real-world equivalent of Peter Griffin parading around in a "no fat chicks shirt."

    You sound a lot like disaffected novice PUAs do on their forums. I'd focus on having fun and having a good time before you worry about notches on your belt and the physical quality of those notches. How old are you?

    kaliyama on
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  • NoisymunkNoisymunk Registered User regular
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  • RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    Understand that this is just one event in a lifetime of sexual exploration. At the very least, you've got an interesting story to tell. People who own their misadventures/mistakes/failures are often more interesting than the ones who spend their time regretting them and punishing themselves.

  • Mysterio321Mysterio321 Registered User new member
    Thank you all for the advice and the laughs. With time and what you guys posted I've come to feel a little better. And like most said it's just another life experience. And the fact she wasn't attractive wasn't the main or only reason, I meant it was a part of the whole thing. But either way like I said I've gotten a little better. To Noisymunk, love the picture, lmao. To kaliyama, I'm 22 years old. And to be clear again this is my third post on this same forum, I "DID" wear a condom, and it "WAS" consensual. But again thanks everyone for the advice.

  • handofendowmenthandofendowment Registered User new member
    I'm glad you've resolved this. At least you did wear protection and you don't have to worry about an STD.

  • PixelMonkeyPixelMonkey Registered User regular
    edited August 2013
    There is nothing to be ashamed of and it's understandable why you did it considering how women look at late bloomers and at least you used a condom so you should be fine with not getting STDs. I know cause I did the same thing at your age, keep your head up buddy.

    PixelMonkey on
  • TheBigEasyTheBigEasy Registered User regular
    How do look women at late bloomers?

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    No, we're not doing this.

    Geth, kick @PixelMonkey from the thread.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • GethGeth Legion Perseus VeilRegistered User, Moderator, Penny Arcade Staff, Vanilla Staff vanilla
    Affirmative ceres. @PixelMonkey banned from this thread.

  • akashcool123akashcool123 Registered User new member
    hi friends.........if u read my story then u glad that u r not in my state of mind......i m engineering graduate with good academics but my psychratric condition(ocd) ruin my job, gf relationship. the only things i left is lust.......and feeling depressed.....

This discussion has been closed.