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No longer an only-child
Khade97
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi Guys,
I had some kinda good news last night, but has left me feeling a little weird. I could do with some advice from anyone who has been in a similar position.
For a little backstory; My mum and birth-father split up before I was born and my birth-father chose to have nothing to do with me. I never knew him, met him only once when I was 11 and it was not something I chose to persue. When I was 12 my Mum remarried her long term boyfriend and this is the person I feel is my Dad - so much so I had my surname legally changed to match his.
Fast forward a fair few years and my Mum and Dad split up and went their separate ways, then fast forward some more and they have both moved on with other relationships. I do not think of either of the people they are now with to be my "step-mum" or "step-dad" - but I have a good relationship with all sides and my parents are happy so all is good there.
Anyway, last night I got a call from my Dad (who is 49) to let me know his wife (who is 36) is pregmant. Obviously this is fantastic news and I am very happy for them, but it does make me feel a little weird for a few reasons;
* I am 30 and thus far an only-child - I will suddenly have a brother or sister with a massive age gap. When they are 20 I will be 51 - how will we ever be able to relate to each other?
* I have two kids myself, one is 3 years and one is 6 months - my kids will be older than their uncle / aunt.
* What do I even call my Dad's wife now - I have always just called her by her first name but once my brother / sister starts talking should I call her "Mum" (I do sometimes call her "Mum" but that is always as a joke as it winds her up)
Has anyone gone through anything similar? Will this remain to be weird or do things just fall into place?
I had some kinda good news last night, but has left me feeling a little weird. I could do with some advice from anyone who has been in a similar position.
For a little backstory; My mum and birth-father split up before I was born and my birth-father chose to have nothing to do with me. I never knew him, met him only once when I was 11 and it was not something I chose to persue. When I was 12 my Mum remarried her long term boyfriend and this is the person I feel is my Dad - so much so I had my surname legally changed to match his.
Fast forward a fair few years and my Mum and Dad split up and went their separate ways, then fast forward some more and they have both moved on with other relationships. I do not think of either of the people they are now with to be my "step-mum" or "step-dad" - but I have a good relationship with all sides and my parents are happy so all is good there.
Anyway, last night I got a call from my Dad (who is 49) to let me know his wife (who is 36) is pregmant. Obviously this is fantastic news and I am very happy for them, but it does make me feel a little weird for a few reasons;
* I am 30 and thus far an only-child - I will suddenly have a brother or sister with a massive age gap. When they are 20 I will be 51 - how will we ever be able to relate to each other?
* I have two kids myself, one is 3 years and one is 6 months - my kids will be older than their uncle / aunt.
* What do I even call my Dad's wife now - I have always just called her by her first name but once my brother / sister starts talking should I call her "Mum" (I do sometimes call her "Mum" but that is always as a joke as it winds her up)
Has anyone gone through anything similar? Will this remain to be weird or do things just fall into place?
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You might not relate much at all. It's not that I don't like my step-sisters, but I didn't grow-up with them and they just, well, don't feel like immediate family. Part of this has a biological component (I'd recommend reading-up on Imprinting), but a lot of it is simply that we never shared much space together.
Don't worry about it if you don't end-up feeling like your new sibling is just like any of your other family.
The only real loss in having your new sibling be so much younger , is it'll be a long time, if ever, before you can blame them for something you did :P
Time gets rid of all wierdness pretty much, at some point this will stop bieng odd to you and just become normal. My family has a bit of an age gap, (I recently spent some time staying with my cousin who is in her 40's with a 20 yr old daughter and I'm only 25 myself) it doesn't seem to make much difference in the way we interact with each other.
This just feels different because in my mind the baby will be a brother (rather than a step-brother) (or sister)
I have three older sisters (technically half-sisters) with a significant age gap between us, and a nephew who is only a year younger than I am (he's a year older than my youngest sister). I think I have a little light to shed on your problem.
Based on your three starred questions, I think you may just be getting hung up on labels. To be fair, describing your relationship to the new child accurately is a little difficult (probably "adopted half-brother/sister" or something). The good news is that it doesn't really matter if you're accurate or not in 99% of all cases
(security clearance forms are the only exception I can think of at the moment). If you feel like the child is your sibling, describe him/her as your brother/sister. Same thing for your children. If they want to say aunt/uncle, then no one is going to care. It sounds like calling your Dad's wife by her first name is already what you do, and I don't see any reason to change that.
As far as your relationship to the new child, it will be what it will be. Maybe you'll be super close, and maybe you won't. There isn't really a right or wrong relationship. Being excited for your dad and his wife is a good start. Share in their happiness, try to help them out where you can, and buy the baby a nice present from time to time. I think If you do that, everything will fall into place naturally.
As for his mum, I call her by her first name. He knows that he and I have different mums, so doesn't even question it.
Probably kind of different, but my parents go divorced and remarried when I was youngish. I've always just called my step parents by their names, but my half brother & sister call them Mum and Dad. I don't remember there being any wierdness.
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