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Relationship communication issues
garroad_ran
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I've been in a relationship with this girl for a year. We have our issues, buy by and large everything is going pretty smoothly.
There is one issue, however, that for whatever reason is really, really troubling me. We've had discussions about this but they don't seem to lead anywhere constructive and I'm coming to you guys because I'd like some fresh ideas before bringing up the same issue for the nth time.
Basically, this girl is very secretive about her desires. For example, last night we were talking about her university courses for next semester, and she commented that there weren't many options that appealed to her. I asked "well, what do you wish there was some courses on?" and she would only reply with "many things." I press, asking, "what are you interested in studying?" again, she replies: "many things." Then, when I asked her if she even has something specific she is interested in, she told me "I do, but I just don't want to tell you right now."
This has been a running theme throughout our relationship. Another example: she is applying to go abroad for a semester next year, and she refuses to tell me her list of preferences for where she would like to go.
Her explanation for not telling me these kinds of things is that "they're not important, so it doesn't really matter if you know or not," which I can't help but feel is not much of an explanation. I like her a lot, and her wants and desires are important to me.
I'm not expecting a solution from this thread. I intend to have another talk with her about the issue soon. But if anyone has had a similar experience, or can help me understand why a person would be so averse to telling their partner about their wants and desires, that could be very helpful.
There is one issue, however, that for whatever reason is really, really troubling me. We've had discussions about this but they don't seem to lead anywhere constructive and I'm coming to you guys because I'd like some fresh ideas before bringing up the same issue for the nth time.
Basically, this girl is very secretive about her desires. For example, last night we were talking about her university courses for next semester, and she commented that there weren't many options that appealed to her. I asked "well, what do you wish there was some courses on?" and she would only reply with "many things." I press, asking, "what are you interested in studying?" again, she replies: "many things." Then, when I asked her if she even has something specific she is interested in, she told me "I do, but I just don't want to tell you right now."
This has been a running theme throughout our relationship. Another example: she is applying to go abroad for a semester next year, and she refuses to tell me her list of preferences for where she would like to go.
Her explanation for not telling me these kinds of things is that "they're not important, so it doesn't really matter if you know or not," which I can't help but feel is not much of an explanation. I like her a lot, and her wants and desires are important to me.
I'm not expecting a solution from this thread. I intend to have another talk with her about the issue soon. But if anyone has had a similar experience, or can help me understand why a person would be so averse to telling their partner about their wants and desires, that could be very helpful.
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I know that, while I am a very gregarious person in general, there are plenty of things I don't like -- and sometimes flatly refuse -- to talk about with partners. Just keep in mind that she has her own reasons for this, and while the ideal in a relationship is (for most people) open and direct communication, not every person is the same; she does not owe it to you to share things, be they hugely important or entirely mundane.
I wholly recommend you share with her your feelings on her reticence, provided you can do so in a polite and non-judgmental manner. If after that there is still no change, you have to consider whether it is wise for you to stay in a relationship with someone whose perspective on communication differs so much from your own.
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Talking about death or past relationships are usually understood to be "advanced" discussions you may not have have early in a relationship but not school classes.
So it's kind of on her to give you some explanation as to why courses is off limits; maybe she wants to go into archaeology to follow in her late father's footsteps. Doesn't need to unpack it all, but should explain why it's a sensitive subject.
I agree with the rest of the post sort of, but the italicized is really the take-home for me. While I find it weird that someone wouldn't want to talk about their direction in life with their partner, I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se. To me it just indicates that either she isn't very serious with you and doesn't intend to be, or that in general she is emotionally unavailable to you to an extent that is probably going to make you uncomfortable in the long run if it continues.
She probably has a reason; maybe it's overprotective parents who tried to stop her doing things she wants, or maybe when you ask you subconsciously do it with the crazy eyes and she doesn't feel comfortable. Maybe she's secretly studying "How To Make Nuclear Warheads From Common Household Items 305" in an international correspondence spy school and if she told you she'd have to kill you. In any case, maybe the best way to approach it is to say "when you do X it makes me feel Y, because knowing where you want your life to go is important to me" and let her know that you're not comfortable with the way it is. If she doesn't respond with at least a compelling reason no matter how you slice it, eventually you are going to have to accept that this is the relationship you are in and decide if that's really what you want.
For the record...
Possible, but given that I know her mother reasonably well, and given what I know of her family situation, this would have to come as a very big shock to me.
This may be part of it, although the issue is not strictly related to school matters. At any rate, while her study abroad is indeed likely to be very distant from me, we have been slowly breaching the topic of the LDR over the past year and for the moment it looks like we're going to attempt to make it work.
Your whole post effectively sums up how I'm approaching the situation. She is indeed aware that these different perspectives are a problem for me, and I recognize that over the past few months she has been making an effort to be more communicative. Hopefully we can reach a middle ground where we're both comfortable. I have indeed considered whether or not this is a deal-breaker as far as this relationship goes, but since I recognize that we're both making progress, I don't think we're at that point yet. I'm sure I'll have to consider it again in the future.
I thought this too, and mentioned it to her a while ago. She insists that that's not the case, but she's also much younger than me (21, I'm 29), which means we have rather different viewpoints on what a "serious" relationship entails. I continue to be in this relationship with that in mind.
She does have some goals and things she wants in life, though by my standards they are far from "clear." But again, this "nah, I don't feel like telling you that" attitude has not been restricted to career- or school- related topics, so I don't know how much bearing that might have.
Incidentally, I didn't mention this in the OP, but English is not her first language. Her command of the language is decent, but far from perfect. This is another communication in the relationship: It's sometimes nearly impossible for me to distinguish if she "really" means what she is saying, or if it only sounds a certain way because she doesn't know the correct expressions for what she wants to say.
Anyway, all your replies have helped me get some perspective on the situation. Thanks again to everyone.
I think if your gf knows that communication is an issue with you and is making an active effort to do better (which you said she is, thats great) then all you can kind of do is be patient and keep encouraging her to talk to you. If time goes on and nothing had really gotten better then maybe you should decide if this is a dealbreaker for you
People like that can often develop serious communication problems later in a relationship, which is usually not good. It's much better to establish a sense of trust and a feeling that you can talk to your partner about pretty much everything without recourse. But, before you assume that she's hiding things or doesn't care about you, try to get her to see your point of view. It may be that in the past she's had people talk her out of things, or try to influence her. The first time she does this, DON'T argue -- listen to her point of view and try to get her to continue talking. Say things like "Oh, what made you think of that place?" and "How do you feel about that class" or whatever, rather than "Oh I hate London, I went on vacation there and was miserable," or "that class is stupid, you'd be wasting your time."
So, try to get her to talk by saying that you care about her opinion, and then, for starters, get her to open up by sticking with questions about her opinion, avoiding the "I" statements about your opinion for now. You can do that later, or she may even ask.
she's a spy.
She is Japanese, but went to school in Canada and is a fair bit more "westernized" than the average Japanese person. Cultural issues are a possibility, but nothing strikes me immediately.
This is typically what I've said to her the few times we've discussed the issue.
These are precisely the types of questions she refuses to answer!
Personality, or problems with previous relationships could come into play about how open she is with other people.
Thanks again H/A!