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I'm concerned about a depressed friend
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Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
A friend of mine who has a history of some pretty heavy depression has been going through a bad spell. To make matters worse her dog who has pretty much been her emotional crutch for 12 years has been diagnosed with bone cancer, he'll have to be put down some time in the next week or two.
This is a complete hammer blow to her when she's already down. She's been talking about suicide, it's hard to tell how much of that talk is a cry for help and how much is serious but either way it's a concern. She seems to have problems talking about this to other people and she's seriously reluctant to go to a doctor, this is a problem since there's a limited amount I can do, I live in the UK and she's in NZ.
I'm not really sure what I can do about this.
This is a complete hammer blow to her when she's already down. She's been talking about suicide, it's hard to tell how much of that talk is a cry for help and how much is serious but either way it's a concern. She seems to have problems talking about this to other people and she's seriously reluctant to go to a doctor, this is a problem since there's a limited amount I can do, I live in the UK and she's in NZ.
I'm not really sure what I can do about this.
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It would help if we had a clue to the specific/nature cause of her depression. I can give you my perspective from my own experience with depression and suicidal ideation, but I don't know how applicable it might be to her.
People who take their own lives, or seriously consider taking their own lives, often feel that they are a burden to the people around them, be it for mental health reasons, unemployment or what have you. They reach a point where they believe that they are only a drain on the people around them and society as a whole, and that they will never be able to contribute anything. Their sense of self worth is so low that the only apparent solution that they can think of is to end their own lives, freeing the people around them of the burden of their (believed) irredeemable existence.
If you want to help someone on the verge of suicide, show them that people around them care about them, don't see them as a burden, and most importantly appreciate their positive traits
The other side is people who perceive their existence to be so unbearable for suicide to be the only way out. They may perceive something small as an insurmountable overwhelming challenge. Helping them through that challenge step by step, or showing them it isn't the massive deal they have built up in their minds can help. They might consider themselves broken because they perceive that they can't do something that others take for granted, or they are missing something in their lives that other people have. A good thing to do is to show the person that other people don't see them that way, and that they know that the person is capable of doing that thing, or don't have that ill opinion of them in that particular area, or what have you.
At a most basic level, I would suggest trying to do nice things for her, make her feel appreciated, point out her positive traits. Try to figure out the root of her depression and counter it. If you have her NZ address, maybe get a surprise present or something delivered to her.
If she isn't getting professional help though, there is only so much you can do. Try to get her to warm up to the idea; "I know things seem bad, but maybe this could help them be less bad, its worth a try at least."
Depressed/suicidal people often "know" that everything is terrible and they can't be helped. You can't turn that on its head in one fell swoop, but chink away at it little by little with rational analysis and perspective.
A cry for help is serious. She is essentially signalling people that things are so bad that she feels suicide is an option. It can be a serious consideration of an attempt and a cry for help. The two are not separate.
A few things you can do given the logistics:
- encourage her to take it one day at a time; looking too far into the future is likely something that is difficult for her to do, and the grief about her dog is going to make that worse because it's a future without him
- provide her with suicide helpline or crisis phone numbers accessible to her in New Zealand (lifeline is 0800 543 354)
- be present with her; listen actively and validate her distress, don't focus on solutions or solving her problems just yet
- ask her if she has thought about any methods or plans she would use to attempt suicide, and if so, how likely she is to act on them
- if appropriate, ask what is keeping her from making an attempt
- if she has a plan AND intends to make an attempt, I would consider contacting local services or alerting a member of her family and let her know you are doing this out of concern for her safety
- emphasize that she does not need to see a doctor, but she should talk to someone face-to-face if she can; while you are in the UK, you are extremely limited in the kind of support and containment you can provide, so it may be worth attempting to help her identify people in her area (family, friends etc) that she feels are supportive that she may be able to talk to
- when she is calmer and a bit more stable, try reframing some of her negative perceptions herself into positive ones
Other things to consider about someone considering suicide:
- sometimes struggling to talk to other people can be indicative of not wanting to burden others, not wanting a flurry of questions, or not knowing how to express oneself properly in the first place (it could also be scared of not knowing what to expect)
- without knowing why she finds it hard to talk to others, it's almost impossible to get her the help she needs
- remember that she is in crisis out of concern for her dog; encourage her to explore grief counselling as an option
If she is in NZ and is a permanent resident or citizen, she has access to some rebated mental health services via the public system. She can explore these to seek support for her grief, if not the depression.
Make sure you do these things, verbatim. It's counter-intuitive, but talking about the suicidal ideation itself can make a life saving difference.
Also if there is any online game you can play together it would go a long way towards distracting her for a bit. Even a simple game of chess.
Do you know anyone that's near her in NZ?
One thing that kept me going when I was feeling low was looking forward to an upcoming game/movie.
I've gotten some links on the kiwi health system and what can be done for low income people.