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Am I Asking Too Much?
Mim
dead.Registered User regular
dead.Registered User regular
'Ello H/A! I'm unsure of how to start this so I'll just do it this way:
Remember this thread? Have I Lost a Friend Forever
Yeah, I was said friend. You were all right in that things will never be the same again, but the thread OP and I have been working on fixing our friendship since this past May, which is when I responded to him. Since we've begun talking though, something kind of came up and I'm unsure as to how I should proceed. You see, my friend neglected to mention in his post that he has a girlfriend. A very jealous girlfriend. It appears that when they first got together, their relationship was another reason why he was being a jerk to me. He said that it seemed she was unhappy every time we communicated, despite being vocally supportive of our friendship. The more he pushed me away and I was out of his life, the happier she was. To illustrate how bad her jealousy is, he told me that she cried one night when we were at D&D together because he was spending time with "his ex" instead of her that night. He and I weren't friends at this point but he said that to her it didn't matter.
Anyways, he eventually told me that he and his girlfriend were breaking up for many reasons. At one point it seemed like he was dragging it out despite being emphatic that he wanted out so I said "Dude, shit or get off the pot. If you're not holding out hope that you can fix this, then just get out because you're just making things worse." I said that as I think any friend would say that to a buddy who was having a hard time breaking up with someone they really wanted to break up with. They broke up, but they're still friends, which is all good and dandy because it seemed important to him that they were. We have since taken a break from talking ourselves because the talks were getting a bit emotionally overwhelming and I needed to take a step back and think. So right now, I don't know if he's still friends with her or if they've even gotten back together, which I cannot rule out.
My problem is, he wouldn't tell her we were talking. At first he was all "I don't care what she thinks about this" but then he switched to "Well, she'd view you as a threat and it would take her too long to calm down on the subject." The first statement was during their relationship and the second one was during their breaking up. I'm someone who does not like to do things in a hidden manner because it can really screw things up. I told him (when I thought he was in a happy relationship) that he HAD to tell her because if he hid this from her it was going to hurt her, him and their relationship. We weren't doing anything untoward, just working on being friends again, so to me it seemed dumb as hell to hide it. I don't know if he's told her we're talking yet, but regardless if they're just friends or boyfriend and girlfriend, her jealousy kind of worries me. Even if they're broken up, she's still very much in the "I love you, let's get back together" stage. I don't know if this is going to be a problem, but I've got an inkling that it will be. That coupled with his prior willingness to hurt me to make her happy also has me concerned. I want him to just tell her, or any other future girlfriend/girls-who-are-just-friends that we are friends. I feel that if he can't give this to me, I should cut contact again because I am not here for hiding things.
TL;DR Friend made thread, neglected to mention jealous girlfriend. We're becoming friends again but he's hiding the fact we're talking from her. They break up, but they're still friends, possibly even un-broken up. I want him to tell her we're talking because it's good to be open about this and I feel that if he doesn't tell her, I should walk.
Oh, as for ages: I'm 25, he's 24 and the girlfriend/possibly ex-girlfriend is 21.
Remember this thread? Have I Lost a Friend Forever
Yeah, I was said friend. You were all right in that things will never be the same again, but the thread OP and I have been working on fixing our friendship since this past May, which is when I responded to him. Since we've begun talking though, something kind of came up and I'm unsure as to how I should proceed. You see, my friend neglected to mention in his post that he has a girlfriend. A very jealous girlfriend. It appears that when they first got together, their relationship was another reason why he was being a jerk to me. He said that it seemed she was unhappy every time we communicated, despite being vocally supportive of our friendship. The more he pushed me away and I was out of his life, the happier she was. To illustrate how bad her jealousy is, he told me that she cried one night when we were at D&D together because he was spending time with "his ex" instead of her that night. He and I weren't friends at this point but he said that to her it didn't matter.
Anyways, he eventually told me that he and his girlfriend were breaking up for many reasons. At one point it seemed like he was dragging it out despite being emphatic that he wanted out so I said "Dude, shit or get off the pot. If you're not holding out hope that you can fix this, then just get out because you're just making things worse." I said that as I think any friend would say that to a buddy who was having a hard time breaking up with someone they really wanted to break up with. They broke up, but they're still friends, which is all good and dandy because it seemed important to him that they were. We have since taken a break from talking ourselves because the talks were getting a bit emotionally overwhelming and I needed to take a step back and think. So right now, I don't know if he's still friends with her or if they've even gotten back together, which I cannot rule out.
My problem is, he wouldn't tell her we were talking. At first he was all "I don't care what she thinks about this" but then he switched to "Well, she'd view you as a threat and it would take her too long to calm down on the subject." The first statement was during their relationship and the second one was during their breaking up. I'm someone who does not like to do things in a hidden manner because it can really screw things up. I told him (when I thought he was in a happy relationship) that he HAD to tell her because if he hid this from her it was going to hurt her, him and their relationship. We weren't doing anything untoward, just working on being friends again, so to me it seemed dumb as hell to hide it. I don't know if he's told her we're talking yet, but regardless if they're just friends or boyfriend and girlfriend, her jealousy kind of worries me. Even if they're broken up, she's still very much in the "I love you, let's get back together" stage. I don't know if this is going to be a problem, but I've got an inkling that it will be. That coupled with his prior willingness to hurt me to make her happy also has me concerned. I want him to just tell her, or any other future girlfriend/girls-who-are-just-friends that we are friends. I feel that if he can't give this to me, I should cut contact again because I am not here for hiding things.
TL;DR Friend made thread, neglected to mention jealous girlfriend. We're becoming friends again but he's hiding the fact we're talking from her. They break up, but they're still friends, possibly even un-broken up. I want him to tell her we're talking because it's good to be open about this and I feel that if he doesn't tell her, I should walk.
Oh, as for ages: I'm 25, he's 24 and the girlfriend/possibly ex-girlfriend is 21.
BlueSky: thequeenofchaos Steam: mimspanks (add me then tell me who you are! Ask for my IG)
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Second, the jealous "girlfriend" or whatever has nothing to do with you. You're trying to be friends with him, not this other person. Let him deal with it.
If you want to "walk away" over this, go ahead and do it. You're not obligated to be friends with anyone. It seems like a weird reason to do it, but hey, it's your life.
He doesn't read it. He used it that one time. I'm looking for advice not ammunition.
I'm just wondering if asking him to tell her so that there are no secrets is too much. I'm worried that her jealousy might cause problems between us again. Hiding our friendship seems like the wrong move, to me.
I wasn't in a great mental space in my life either. Eventually I got tired, I just remember walking away. I never gave him any ultimatums, and realistically, I'm not sure they would have helped. My advice would not have carried weight, and you may want to consider how yours will be interpreted.
Basically, you cant really tell him what to do. Its not really your place to get in the middle of that, its his job to figure out. That being said, Its not "weird" to walk away from a friend who basically would rather deny your existence than communicate that he enjoys your company and doesn't want to stop talking to you. Its fair to feel hurt about it, and its a shitty way to treat another human.
If you say anything, I would not frame it as "I think it would be healthy for you to talk to her about it", because this is about you. I walked away from that friendship because I was hurt by his insistence to not acknowledged me. Him being able to talk about you would not inherently make his relationship with this girl better, its just that part of his treatment of you makes you feel crappy.
edit: Just as an added note, eventually he broke up with that girl, and apologized to me after having her completely out of her life for a year. We are friends again, but it took some time and distance. I was not at all involved in whatever process made him decide to cut her out, and its much better that way.
I see what you mean. When I thought they were happy I framed it as "You're hurting both her and me. You can fix this though." When they broke up, I've tried to put more emphasis on me but I still threw her in to the mix because I felt like if I made it all about me, I'd be ...I don't know...being a bitch?
I do worry that if they get back together, or just that they're friends but she still cries over him hanging out with me (or any girl it seems from his letters) that it might mess things up again between us. I'm trying to NOT blame her because it was his decision to act that way. She didn't tell him to give me up but she put out the signals. I know if she becomes his girlfriend again, that she does come first. I'm not trying to steal him from her or anything, I just want my bro back.
I will though, try harder to keep out of what goes on between them, even if he comes to me to rant. I already recognized I probably shouldn't have said anything when he was drawing out the break up process. I plan to apologize for that.
But, at the same time, my relationship with my buddy had to take a fairly large shift after all this went down, and you'll have to come to terms with the fact that you two maybe cant have the same sort of friendship you had before. It sounds like you have a different dynamic than I had with my friend, but you both may need to confide in other people and keep your relationship a bit more casual for a while.
You may have to say "Hey look, you don't have tell this girl you still talk to me, but it makes me feel like shit to hear about it. Can we talk about something else?" and I don't know, talk about movies or some shit.
Thanks Ceres! Yeah, when he posted on the forums (because he doesn't post here), and I found it I thought it meant a really big change in him. I've been wondering if I had forgiven him at the time he made that post if this situation would be happening.
Either way, I hope he's able to be friends with my openly. I'd hate for it to end up with him apologizing and hoping I'd talk to him for months, me finally giving in and then being let down again.