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I need to vent and get some advice...Am I being selfish? [Family problems]
PassionateLovie
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I live with my overly religious, strict Christian mother and younger brother. This summer my younger brother did something really stupid and got caught, and because of this, myself and my boyfriend's family were blamed by my mother and burdened to shoulder his mistakes. Because of this it has caused a lot of tension with both families. My mom has been pressuring me to stop talking to my boyfriend/his family and to stop going over to his house because of this and yet another recent traumatic drama that started a few days ago with my best friend and boyfriend's family (best friend had a mental breakdown at their home). I refuse to listen to my mother and her trying to involve me in it so it's causing a lot of fights between me and her.... Is it selfish of me to be angry at my brother and best friend for putting me and my boyfriend in the middle of all of this? and for giving my mom the opportunity to start fights with me? I feel so guilty and angry but I have no reason to be because none of what has happened is my fault, and yet me and my poor boyfriend have to deal with stress that these two caused by riling up the mothers and siblings. I'm happy it's brought me and my boyfriend so much closer because of our love and wanting to protect each other from the harm that's been trying to hurt us but I can't help but feel so angry for all the stupid shit my brother and friend have done, even though my friend couldn't really control herself completely.... I wish I could get the two families to get along. is it too far beyond my control to bring them together? I love my family and my boyfriend's family so much and it really hurts having to deal with the fighting between them and all the fighting with me and my mom. What should I do? Trying to stay clear of all the drama isn't easy since I still live at home....
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People are shitty, drama is inevitable, don't feel responsible for it as it is happening when you don't have much to do with it. Take steps to be away from that kind of crap.
It's not selfish to be mad at your brother for screwing up and causing trouble, but at the same time, he's also not to blame for your mom using what he did as an excuse to meddle with your relationships. "Look what you made me do" is a bullshit excuse, has always been a bullshit excuse and will still be a bullshit excuse when the universe ends.
So I think you need to do what your mom is not doing and seperate these issues out.
First thing to ask is: has your brother taken responsibility for whatever screwup he made? Has he made any commitment to make sure it won't happen again? Really, this needs to happen before anything else can be fixed.
Second thing to ask your mom is: what's your responsibility here. I'm almost tempted to say you should ask her "Am I my brother's keeper?" but that might not be helpful. But really you need to ask her what the real problem she has with your boyfriend is, because it's clearly nothing to do with your brother.
I say poor boyfriend because he has to deal with a lot of stress too because of what happened and his work. The moms are pretty dramatic.
and thank you. I really need to hear this. I've been trying not to fight with my mom but it's so hard not to when she gets the way she does and tries to push all her values and ways that she thinks is right on me.
I've been trying not to get involved in the drama but when I ignore all the yelling from my mom it makes her verbal abuse so much worse and I can't help but fight back and that just seems to drag me further into the situation.
I'm 23 and my brother is 19.
He was caught drinking. and pretty much threw my boyfriend's family members under the bus. He was friends with my boyfriend's younger brother.
and as for my mom she's says and comes up with all these crazy theories about my boyfriend that aren't even true. and thinks him and his family are evil and being a bad influence on me. She's never even had a conversation with him at all. She's so close minded that she can't handle that they are different from her. Everyone in her world needs to be Christian and if they aren't she considers them evil.
I know I need to move out and leave but I've been having a hard time looking for work and so leaving isn't really an option for me right now because I don't want to burden my boyfriend again by letting him take me in. Him and his mom let me stay with them for a few months last year but for reasons I had to come back home. I need to get out of here on my own this time and finding the strength to do it is tough. I know I've been making excuses for not getting my shit together and leaving but I'm still trying to break free from the control my anxiety issues have on me. I'd rather try to break free from the anxiety problems at home close to my boyfriend even if it means having to deal with my mom and brother than to be out on my own with nothing.
She can do whatever she wants, basically. If you don't like any of it, leave and live on your own. That is the end of it, really. As simple as it gets.
I did it when I was 18. I know a lot of others that did also, and my life is pretty awesome right now. I have some friends that are still at home (and older than you) and they complain about things their parents do (nagging them, checking in on them, all that shit you deal with when you live with parents) and the only real response is "if you don't like it, move away and remove all financial ties from your parents." Until you do this, you really have no right to complain about much, unfortunately. (unless they're committing a crime by physically abusing you etc)
Until you're capable of moving out, the best idea is generally to avoid rocking the boat - because, again, you don't have any power in this scenario.
"You need to stop using me and my boyfriend as a scapegoat, (Brother) made the decision 100% by himself, it is not up to me, my boyfriend, or any of his family to police his actions. You are a bad person for trying to place a scapegoat in place of (Brother)'s sole decision to do something stupid. This is the last time we'll talk about this, if you bring it up I will ignore you and walk away. Once you can act like an adult again, maybe we can repair our relationship with each other."
Feel free to add in "And if you continue to do this I will move away and cut off all contact with you."
Your mother is toxic, it's okay to love your mother and hate her as a person. That's 100% okay. You need to break that tie because it is either going to make you severely unhappy or destroy your relationship. The latter is essentially okay, but, I sense this is a pretty serious relationship and your mother being a ass isn't a good reason to end it.
You're not wrong for having feelings or thinking what you are in this situation, so, rest assured.
Ultimately, what you need is a plan of action. This situation is not something that you want to continue, so make it stop.
Get a job, save some money, get a small apartment, and move out. Then set clear boundaries for your mom. In the mean time, buckle down and cause as few waves as possible. I am not saying you need to knuckle under, but you know full well what sets your mother off.. avoid that.
No reason to feel guilty about it.
But feeling angry about something which isn't your fault yet is still making your life difficult? Hell yeah that's justified.
I would hope your parents are able to listen and respect you enough, but the solution may end up being limiting your exposure to your parents by moving out and strictly controlling when they come to visit, and what will cause a visit to immediately end.
Matthew 7:1-6
On a less contentious note, yes you have correctly identified the solution to your immediate problem, which is to make yourself independent. Longer term, you might want to decide what kind of relationship you want with your mother. You could also consider asking her what relationship she wants with you.
Thank you @bowen I'm totally going to confront and tell her what you told me to say if she brings anything up again. She's been doing it everyday so I'm pretty sure it might happen today >.> I hate confronting her but she really can't do this anymore. it's not right. It is a serious relationship, 2 1/2 years and still going strong. It's so wrong of her to even try to ruin my relationship for no reason at all. I'm not going to end it I love him and she really needs to fucking get that through her head. It just really hurts to hear her say all the bullshit that she does, you know?
if she keeps acting the way she does which it seems like she might when I move out I don't want anything to do with her untill she's willing to change and fix our relationship. I'll try to ask her I don't know if she'll listen though
And thank you for that verse
Alright I will. I already have little things packed up in little travel bags and know where everything I need is incase shit happens and I need to get out quick. After my big fight with my mom last year where I had to get out leave those few months I've learned I need to have things ready if it happens again. I'll look up the laws too and save them on my laptop.
I've had periods when I've stayed with my parents, but it was always a temporary means to an end, and I knew that I had to play by their rules while I was there.
I guess my point here isn't "move out" (despite recommending it), but more "conflict is quite natural", especially if you have differences of opinion or a "difficult" parent.
Confronting your mother is well and good, but I would really focus on making some sort of exit plan. If your brother and you are on good terms, consider including him in your course of action. If you cant live with your boyfriend, you'll still cut down on expenses by having a roommate of some sort.
Start making a list of your expenses. If you have anything worth selling, sell it. start looking for jobs from 9-5 like it is your job. Check out gigs of any sort you may be qualified for, If you can make 100 bucks doing some odd ends here and there, that's better than 0 income. Save where ever you can.
It will cut down on your anxiety if you have solid ground, and it will be very hard to feel like that if you don't have any forward plans. Look at apartments in your area and write down the rent, really crunch the numbers on what its going to take and start pushing everything to that goal. Then if your mom drops the ball you can leave with confidence.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
Boyfriend could be your roommate, I'm sure the two of you could squeak by on whatever a studio apartment in your area costs you.
You know, I agree that confronting her about this is probably an important step. But just be careful about it. Don't turn this into some big dramatic thing. Know what you are going to say, be confident, be firm, but also be polite and even keeled. Don't let her drag you into arguments or get you defensive.
It's the truth, there's nothing to defend. If it keeps getting brought up, leave the area.
Arguing or explaining is just going to get her to go 'aha!' on some technicality because you're angry and arguing. It's not a debate. A 19 year old is responsible for their own life, no one is going to make sure he's not breaking the law or anything just because "they should know better."
He didn't really care about anything but that.
If I were you two I'd probably just step back and let everyone else argue. If they're looking for fights they'll find them with or without your help. If they want to be drama llamas the best you can probably do is find a way to go about your lives without them as much as possible.
Much of the time we get involved in these things without realizing that it is entirely possible to leave the stupid crap to the people who want it.
Well, it's not that "she should put up with it because she's the daughter" or some silly crap like that. It's that, in my experience, drama making people are not going to respond positively to words. They've already shown in this scenario that they're willing to use words as weapons against their loved ones, it's not like they're suddenly going to become reasonable if you explain to them they're being unreasonable. Best you can hope for usually is, you say: "Stop blaming me and my boyfriend for something another person did." and then, since the other person will probably take this as an opportunity to get into an ugly argument, you shut down and change the subject, failing that you just walk away, leave the room or even the house if you have to. But because mom has power because you're living with her, these strategies can have limited effect. Depending on the particular flavor of drama person, mom may just keep the argument in wait until the drama target eventually has to come home and then let it all out then when, say, they're eating a meal and can't escape.
That's why I say move out, not because "you should just put up with the abuse" but because it's almost impossible to completely avoid the abuse if you're living with and relying on the abuser.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
yea I agree with you. I need to save up enough so I can move. Hopefully I can find a job soon enough so I can move out around the holidays. My mom gets much worse around then for whatever reason and my dad's around more because he's back from work and they both just gang up on me.