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Romance novels?
Thor1590
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, my girlfriend is on the pill (has been for years), and her libido is decreased because of it. She brought it up with her doctor and the doctor suggested romance novels or movies, meaning...porn for girls. I feel like it's sort of a half-assed answer, but it can't hurt to try.
Basically, I need the bare-backinest, smuttiest, nastiest, fuckiest romance novel suggestions out there. Or not! Maybe it takes the literary equivalent of a romantic dinner and candle-lit bedroom; we're open to those too. I've tried looking online but opinions on these books seem to vary wildly, and frankly I'm not quite sure how to sift through them.
Hopefully the topic's kosher.
Basically, I need the bare-backinest, smuttiest, nastiest, fuckiest romance novel suggestions out there. Or not! Maybe it takes the literary equivalent of a romantic dinner and candle-lit bedroom; we're open to those too. I've tried looking online but opinions on these books seem to vary wildly, and frankly I'm not quite sure how to sift through them.
Hopefully the topic's kosher.
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The thing about erotica is it tends to vary wildly in writing quality, and because of that I've rarely ventured into fiction. Some people are way more forgiving about the writing when they are looking to get off, but I find it super distracting. I'm sure someone with more experience on the matter can make some recommendations.
Island Name: Felinefine
That's what I've picked up on. After doing some more digging, we found some books by Joey Hill, Emma Holly, Loretta Chase and Sylvia Day that fit the bill. Or some bills, maybe. We're trying to figure out what she's into in that regard, so any sort of suggestion is welcome (except for M/M, apparently).
Ha, Felicia Day makes erotica suggestions? Awesome.
She is, for sure. I'll have her check those out, thank you.
Edit: I googled "Felicia Day book club" and what came up is the Vaginal Fantasy Hangout. You have helped us strike gold.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
It has been bought.
Erotica, basically. Romance novels with tons of sex are also not off the table.
I haven't read all of it, but Chester 2000 is probably a safe place to start, though two of the male characters kiss and I don't know if other M/M shows up.
Actually a lack of M/M puts a real hamper on my recommendations! I will think about it more.
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
As someone who just went through years with the same side-effect from the pill, I will honestly be shocked (and jealous) if consuming lady-porn actually works for her. And honestly, I'm already a little shocked that the doctor didn't at least try switching out her prescription, but maybe she is saving that as the next step for when this probably doesn't work. I mean, while porn certainly does Do Things that actual physical relations don't, it has been my experience that if she can't get into it with the person she loves, is invested in, and actually wants to bone (one assumes), the odds of her getting way hot on a romance novel and not just losing interest almost immediately... not super high? When I tried to look at porn or read sexy stuff, it was always just like "hmm yeah I guess this is pretty sexy... yeah alright maybe I'll jerk in a minute here... yes. any minute now [quickly checking my email][opening facebook more slowly][saying fuck it and pulling up netflix][falling asleep in front of TNG]" Turns out: not being able to access the testosterone in your system is not a problem that is magically solved by something with Fabio on the cover.
But... yeah. I mean, hopefully she can get into it. I'd probably just hook her up with an account on a porn tracker and promise you won't snoop on her shit, so that she can maybe test the waters on any weird stuff she's had at the back of her mind. Also, dumb as it may be, if she has any nerdverses she's into, there's probably a range of slashfic out there that she could try. If you can get over the complete and utter shame, I remember reading at least one Harry Potter story that was surprisingly jerkable. I don't have any links handy, since it's not really my thing, but I'm sure that is about as easy to find as anything could possibly be.
But really, my secret advice to her (you can just stop reading and tilt the screen over for her): Is The Pill Really Worth It? Diaphragms/condoms/non-vaginal intercourse etc. are maybe not the funnest and sexiest things, but you know what is much less fun and sexy? Never wanting to bone. I recently went off my BCP after several years on it, and it is basically like I had been colorblind all of those years, and hadn't even realized it, and then suddenly I'm off the hormones and everything is in technicolor. I can't even fully express how it was to suddenly realize how deeply I had been affected by it, or how it feels to have it back, but I am definitely never going on that shit ever again. Now that I'm seeing color again, no amount of convenience will ever be worth it for me.
Also, there has been at least one study suggesting that the effects of the pill on testosterone levels might stay with you, even after you stop taking the pill. It took me a month to bounce back, but for some women it can evidently be much longer than that. That was the terrifying idea (along with the other potential side effects, and the fact that we still don't necessarily understand how the pill works, and that it's efficacy hasn't actually been tested/isn't required to be tested for overweight women [who have different hormonal issues than smaller ladies], etc.) that tipped me over to the "NOPE, NOT FOR ME" side of this scale.
So, you know. If you are getting frustrated, and trying really hard to come up with workarounds to keep taking it, maybe consider that if you went off of it, it... it wouldn't be the end of the world? There are other methods, and they're sort of a pain, but they might not actually be as much of a pain as this is.
Anyway, sorry for inserting a whole lot of my personal frustrations in there for you, but this has been something I've been getting gradually more outraged/pissy about for the last several months as I've realized how much time and how many potential orgasms I have lost while I put off going off the pill, and how little information there is out there to try and figure out how to deal with this. Giving it up has been GREAT for me, but I ardently hope that the porno works for her, or another line of medication, because I for real understand what a shithole no-libido-land can be. Good luck!
Getting off the pill was actually my first suggestion. I brought up the same things you said, but she's convinced we'll have a baby within the first week. Another issue is that she isn't the one getting frustrated. She was throwing me a bone (ha! ha!) every weekish, but of course it was always me initiating and yadda yadda. She also made me feel like asking for more was sort of...pushing her? Asking too much? Which I'm sure is understandable when you don't feel like having sex ever, once a week must feel like a lot. We had a Big Talk recently and came to a sort of agreement (basically, scheduled sex), but I'm not sure how satisfying that will be long-term. I mean, it's nice to have sex again, but I can't shake the feeling that it's just for me, you know? Despite her saying that she does want to do it, and that it's not me: what's the difference between her not wanting to have sex and just plain old not being attracted to me?
Her doctor said that that was her girls' "most common complaint," and that normally she suggests lowering the dosage. My girlfriend's already at the lowest, however. One good thing is that she hasn't had any other side effects, which I think is making her reluctant to try anything else.
We've been together 7 years or so. She's been on the pill for 5 or 6 of those. I can wait a month and see if anything changes. If nothing does (which I fully expect), then I'll be pushing more for getting off the pill. I would most definitely rather have condom sex/other activities more often than having the privilege of no-condom sex where I feel like I'm pushing her into it.
Anyways, it's nice having someone's perspective from the other side. Thank you. I'll show her what you wrote.
Also, Smut Peddler looks fantastic and I'll be picking that up, if only for my benefit.
Mirena
Also, not to be pushy myself, but being pushed for sex is super duper unsexy and your girlfriend needs to decide on her own if there 's something she wants to change about herself/the relationship. And broken record time but I'm a huge believer in counseling when it comes to getting to the bottom of things, if appropriate, and given your slightly cynical outlook that nothing's going to change it might be a decent place to start.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IUD_with_copper
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way. I understand the being-pushed-for-sex thing, and it's something I was willing to let sit for a long while. That's part of why dealing with this is so difficult: any time I'm wanting it, and she doesn't, it's "pushing for sex." She never does, so I feel like I sort of have to press against that wall anyway. You're absolutely correct that she has to make the decision herself, and I'm trying to be supportive. It's a fine line to walk, since my needs aren't being met but at the same time I can't just force her to change.
I'm also a huge fan of counseling, and it's another thing I was planning on getting into if the easy (cheaper) fixes don't work.
I'd never heard of mirena! Interesting.
She's afraid of IUDs because apparently one of her sister's friends got an infection from it. It's kind of like those people who stop wearing seatbelts when they hear about one accident where the person was saved because they didn't wear it. It doesn't matter what the statistics on the other side are, they fixate on the anecdote.
Ugh. I feel like some of this is coming across as condescending, and I really don't mean to be. The worst thing is, this is our one issue. We don't fight, we do things together, live together, have good communication. I feel like by bringing it up, I'm creating a problem that doesn't need to exist. In a way, it feels selfish that I'm not satisfied with what I've got. I don't know.
She needs to talk to her doctor about the risks, then. If she had a friend who got a blood clot from the pill, would she quit the pill too?
It is not selfish to try and sort this issue out. It benefits her in the long term too, as sexless relationships tend to end, even if they are otherwise great.
Dan Savage also has some good advice for couples with differing sex drives that has been peppered throughout his podcasts. If you have never given that a listen, I would tune in every now and then.
Best doctor ever?
more seriously: it's also cool that your lady is open to the suggestion as it bodes well for you two once you get this current thing worked out
On the other hand... if she doesn't see a low sex drive as a problem... I dunno. The thing is, if she were the one making this thread, I'd tell her that if nothing is working, she isn't comfortable switching out BC, and she doesn't feel like not wanting sex is really a problem for her, she shouldn't be with someone who she feels pressured with for any reason. Whether the pressure comes from pushing for sex when she doesn't want to have it or pushing her to go off the BC she is comfortable with, it becomes an issue of boundaries. If she really wants her sex drive back she may well need to ditch the pill, but if she isn't willing to do that and not having sex isn't a problem for her this time is going to be looked back on very unpleasantly when she's finally out of this situation, however that happens.
I appreciate that you've been together for a long time, but I know what it feels like to be both the one who wants it more and the one who want it less, and I have to say that in my experience being the one who wants it less and feeling like you have to in order to keep somebody is ABSOLUTELY worse. After a while sex becomes this negative feedback loop and the more you have the less you want it or the person pressing the issue, and whether she feels like she wants to right now or not you have to know that you need to be careful here because you have the potential to do her a lot of harm with this down the line.
Because it's you here and not her speaking in her own person without being watched by you, it's hard to tell if she really wants to want it or if she's content with not having it and just feels like she has to in order to keep you, or even if she is luke-warm enough on the idea that she isn't bothered either way. Not having that perspective gives this thread kind of a creepy vibe to me. The fact is that I don't know enough about you two or your situation to judge, but I would say that if she stands firm on her decision to stick with her current BC then you are going to have to respect that and figure out a way to be okay with it without pressuring her in the long term.
Unlucky. I took the pill for 15 years with 0 issues, including Yaz which is supposedly Death in tablet form.