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I am that flaky friend
ihmmy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
And I'd like to stop, but I don't know how. If it's a one on one thing like a coffee or going for a beer, I'm waaay less likely to cancel on someone. But if it's a big group of people, it's just so draining. I know my flakiness comes from a combination of a) introversion b) over-scheduling myself c) anxiety (generalized, in relation to this means my stress in one area bleeds into all others) and lately d) being busy/exhausted from work.
Legit reasons don't stop friends from being frustrated with me, I'm sure. But I also don't want to go to some event and just be a big energy vacuum, a void of despair and blech-ness. Does anyone have tips on being less flaky/cancelling less on friends?
Legit reasons don't stop friends from being frustrated with me, I'm sure. But I also don't want to go to some event and just be a big energy vacuum, a void of despair and blech-ness. Does anyone have tips on being less flaky/cancelling less on friends?
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I have friends like you, and all I really want is for you to tell me no when you're not going to come, so I don't end up planning around you.
Oh God this. All we want is to know.
Less this, more the already mentioned anxiety and work-related stress. I'm in the same position... sometimes I'm up for bringing our dog to the dog park with some friends, other times I want to sit at home and stare at the wall.
Difference here is that I say "hey, nah, not today." Which, as others have mentioned, is what OP needs to do.
https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561197970666737/
Sorry, yea, this too. I didn't mean "hey, don't be a shitheel," because I get that it can be really tough sometimes.
https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561197970666737/
Not until it's a few hours out and I realize I have no energy for it or am totally in the wrong headspace. I always give notice because hey, I enjoy not being the worst person they know, but I still feel like I cancel on stuff way more than the average bear. Moreso for group events like parties, where it's probably not planned specifically around me being there, so much as I am a guest on the list. Maybe I just need to start answering most requests with a "probably, will confirm closer to" than a straight up "heck yes"
Also, when they show displeasure when you cancel, it's likely more that they are disappointed because they wanted to see you, and not so much that they are mad at you.
If you want to become less flaky though... when you're invited too an event, if you're like me, you probably know right away if it'll be one you'll likely cancel on. At that point, decide THEN if you are legitimately interested in going or not. If you aren't, say no. If you are interested, tell yourself you're in and commit to it. No excuses. Go, even if it's just for a bit.
Another thing you can do is find ways to make the things that exhaust you less draining. I will bring my own tea to a friend's place, and don't give any fucks about how rude that is because if I have my tea, I know I can stay longer. And afterwards, I do something like pet my guinea pigs or draw because that relaxes me and I can bounce back faster.
And the sad thing is, they probably would have been okay if he'd said "nah, not this time," or at least called earlier in the day to let them know he wouldn't be there.
People are generally okay with whatever you want to do as long as they feel like they know what that is. And there's another option that no one has really brought up: if it's the sort of thing that, due to timing or social circumstances, you have a hunch you might not want to do later, you can flat out say no but mark it on your calendar. Then if that day comes and you feel like going out, you can call the person who invited you and say 'hey, is that thing still on, and would anyone mind if I showed up? I have more time/energy than I thought I would today."
but they're listening to every word I say
Now I make a point of not overbooking myself. I like my time to myself, and I need it to effectively recharge my batteries, so I make sure there's enough of that time available. My good friends I've spoken to about last-minute events and that I'm very unlikely to agree to them because I'll have already put myself in the headspace of having time to myself, many events I need time in advance (ie days, not hours) to plan around so I still have enough me-time. Casual friends tend to organize in advance anyway so that's rarely a problem, and I've learned to be comfortable declining things I'm not that interested in.
I'm much happier with how I organize my life now, and I find that I bail on far less things because I'm not preoccupied thinking how busy I am.
Pretty much this. Once you become completely unreliable you just stop getting invited to anything except the really big events where everyone gets invited.
For me, I just need to find a way to make my own sanctuary space within the chaos of the big crowd, or I need to find a smaller, more personal connection with a person or two within the big crowd.
For a sanctuary space, a comfortable area near an activity works well. For instance, if there's a group watching tv, or playing foosball, or whatever, you can hang out near them. You can just be standing there with a drink by yourself, but social-wise you're not being (or appearing to be) a total recluse. You also make yourself approachable for people who may want to talk with you on the more individual level you like.
When you make that more personal, individual connection with someone, narrow your zone to just you and that person. Now it doesn't matter that you're at a big party, you're just having a small conversation in a place that happens to have a lot of other people. Just don't cling to that person for dear life; they may want to gracefully depart to converse with others. That's when it's handy to be near the foosball table or something, because when your conversation department departs, you're not awkwardly standing by yourself. You're hanging out watching people play foosball.
edit: just thought of another one. Take breaks! If I'm getting overwhelmed by a party crowd, I'll take my drink onto a back patio or something by myself. If someone else comes out, chances are they're looking to escape the crowd as well and we'll probably be a good match for chit chat. When I go back into the party, if someone asks where I disappeared to then "just went out to get some fresh air" is a perfectly socially-acceptable answer.
That's what I do. It's a lot easier to just honestly tell your friends (the closer ones at least) that you're not sure.