Pathfinder: the next 300?
Samir Duran Duran
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
What follows is a concise analysis of why the movie is question cannot be bad, but is it the next 300? Also, we should get these boards fixed up with a movie section (unless I just missed something) because I couldn't really find a place where this really fit right.
(Note that I will be refering to native americans as indians, if that offends you take it up with the American Indian heritage Foundation at indians.org)
With 300 now behind us it may seem that we've got awhile to wait before another sweet movie about heavily armed dudes stabbing stuff arrives in theaters. But in only a few weeks a film comes out that quite simply has not been talked about enough, that'd be Pathfinder.
So why can't this movie be bad? It starts with the epic story. Taking place at some early point in north american history, Pathfinder tells the story of a bunch of angry vikings making landfall and working their way inland, much to the dismay of indians everywhere. After treating the indians to a vicious reverse thanksgiving, the vikings sail off and drunkenly crash into a rock, leaving a ten year old boy the sole survivor. Taken in by the indians this dude gets trained to hunt shit and whatnot, also he picks up a sword n' shield at some point. So then the village gets sacked again by returning vikings who also cock-block him, and he finds himself on the run. This is the part where the village witch doctor (the pathfinder) diagnoses him with people-saving destiny (no word on whether light arrows are necessary nor the "master" nature of aforementioned sword). Holy shit. You'd have to cook up some wicked story about a small number of dudes yelling and killing large numbers of dudes or something to have a realistic chance of touching vikings and indians. VVI: whoever wins, the first shipload of vikings loses.
Alright, now that we've established that Pathfinder weaves a top-notch tale, what about the kombat?
So here we see our hero chopping away at a viking, a viking with a mace. Right off the bat we have potential for some very nice weapons. So far we know that the vikings will be using some big axes, which are impossible to make a boring fight with and probably a variety of swords plus mace. Now from the token indian opposition we will likely have bows which leave room for some nice sniping from nowhere. Although the protagonist will likely switch to viking weapons about halfway through, perhaps finishing with a tomahawk (small axe) for flair purposes and humiliation of big-axe wielding vikings. It's to early to make to many judgments though, so just look at this, fucking check this shit:
Is that a fucking ship with some sort of serpent head on it? Yes, yes that is. And are those goddamn spikes coming out the front? Yes, yes they are.
That brings me to my next point. Vikings. So much has been said about ninjas and pirates but nobody seems to think of "viking" when they think hardcore profession. Viking, it's a profession, bitch! But nooo, it's always "ninja lol 4chan hehe omg ma balls aint dropped" or "haha pirates arrr drivin me nuts". Now I mean no disrespect to pirates (especially considering vikings are a form of pirate), pirates are indeed some mean motherfuckers with gold to boot. But ninjas? Yes, you are silent killers and all but really that's the inflated job title of somebody who sneaks around and stabs people. Really, anyone can do that, I was doing it just minutes ago. Also, if you refer to the above images you'll notice a few important bits of awesome viking gear:
1. Big axe. Looks smaller when it's near that normal size protagonist, but it's big.
2. The viking armor philosophy seems to be "if more tarnished plate won't fit, yak hair it". Awesome.
3. Fucking scary helmet with horns:
And you can bet he didn't ask for that nicely.
And the last reason that "Pathfinder" cannot be bad? The indians. It may seem that I've been ignoring the beleaguered indian defenders up to this point, but I fully believe that the indian resistance will have a few awesome tricks in their moccasins, many having to do with the entertaining interactions of arrows and helmet eyeholes. Plus nothing beats an unexpected thrown tomahawk. Basically the vikings will stomp around and rip shit up, making them cool in dinosaur way. The indians will perform feats of tracking, marksmanship and having enormous balls (of which fighting vikings is indicative). This makes them cool in another, more well-rounded way.
It is truly a blessing that this shit is hitting theaters on the heels of 300. And in closing:
THIS IS, NORTH AMERICA!
so will this movie be excellent, or righteously badical?
(Note that I will be refering to native americans as indians, if that offends you take it up with the American Indian heritage Foundation at indians.org)
With 300 now behind us it may seem that we've got awhile to wait before another sweet movie about heavily armed dudes stabbing stuff arrives in theaters. But in only a few weeks a film comes out that quite simply has not been talked about enough, that'd be Pathfinder.
So why can't this movie be bad? It starts with the epic story. Taking place at some early point in north american history, Pathfinder tells the story of a bunch of angry vikings making landfall and working their way inland, much to the dismay of indians everywhere. After treating the indians to a vicious reverse thanksgiving, the vikings sail off and drunkenly crash into a rock, leaving a ten year old boy the sole survivor. Taken in by the indians this dude gets trained to hunt shit and whatnot, also he picks up a sword n' shield at some point. So then the village gets sacked again by returning vikings who also cock-block him, and he finds himself on the run. This is the part where the village witch doctor (the pathfinder) diagnoses him with people-saving destiny (no word on whether light arrows are necessary nor the "master" nature of aforementioned sword). Holy shit. You'd have to cook up some wicked story about a small number of dudes yelling and killing large numbers of dudes or something to have a realistic chance of touching vikings and indians. VVI: whoever wins, the first shipload of vikings loses.
Alright, now that we've established that Pathfinder weaves a top-notch tale, what about the kombat?
So here we see our hero chopping away at a viking, a viking with a mace. Right off the bat we have potential for some very nice weapons. So far we know that the vikings will be using some big axes, which are impossible to make a boring fight with and probably a variety of swords plus mace. Now from the token indian opposition we will likely have bows which leave room for some nice sniping from nowhere. Although the protagonist will likely switch to viking weapons about halfway through, perhaps finishing with a tomahawk (small axe) for flair purposes and humiliation of big-axe wielding vikings. It's to early to make to many judgments though, so just look at this, fucking check this shit:
Is that a fucking ship with some sort of serpent head on it? Yes, yes that is. And are those goddamn spikes coming out the front? Yes, yes they are.
That brings me to my next point. Vikings. So much has been said about ninjas and pirates but nobody seems to think of "viking" when they think hardcore profession. Viking, it's a profession, bitch! But nooo, it's always "ninja lol 4chan hehe omg ma balls aint dropped" or "haha pirates arrr drivin me nuts". Now I mean no disrespect to pirates (especially considering vikings are a form of pirate), pirates are indeed some mean motherfuckers with gold to boot. But ninjas? Yes, you are silent killers and all but really that's the inflated job title of somebody who sneaks around and stabs people. Really, anyone can do that, I was doing it just minutes ago. Also, if you refer to the above images you'll notice a few important bits of awesome viking gear:
1. Big axe. Looks smaller when it's near that normal size protagonist, but it's big.
2. The viking armor philosophy seems to be "if more tarnished plate won't fit, yak hair it". Awesome.
3. Fucking scary helmet with horns:
And you can bet he didn't ask for that nicely.
And the last reason that "Pathfinder" cannot be bad? The indians. It may seem that I've been ignoring the beleaguered indian defenders up to this point, but I fully believe that the indian resistance will have a few awesome tricks in their moccasins, many having to do with the entertaining interactions of arrows and helmet eyeholes. Plus nothing beats an unexpected thrown tomahawk. Basically the vikings will stomp around and rip shit up, making them cool in dinosaur way. The indians will perform feats of tracking, marksmanship and having enormous balls (of which fighting vikings is indicative). This makes them cool in another, more well-rounded way.
It is truly a blessing that this shit is hitting theaters on the heels of 300. And in closing:
THIS IS, NORTH AMERICA!
so will this movie be excellent, or righteously badical?
Samir Duran Duran on
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Posts
I mean don't get me wrong, natives versus vikings is rad and all, but c'mon it stars Karl DOOM Urban, the horselord of Rohan.
A. The Big Axe. You do know it's a throwing axe right? Like vikings land and a hail of big axes are the first thing off the ship.
B. The vikings accidentally poisened the Indians because they didn't know they were allergic to milk. No really, thats why the vikings were run off by the scraleens, they gave them milk.
C. Vikings didn't wear plate armor. It's incredibley heavy, and the vikings were a light fast moving army. They would more likely wear leather with small plates of iron sewn on in strategic areas, and chainmail. P.S. Falling into the ocean sucks in Plate armor, and getting suited up while at sea equally sucks, I.E. plate armor coudl kill them before they ever even landed.
D. Why does an Indian have a steel sword? It would have to be left behind by the Vikings, since the Indians were a stone-age culture, they did not work iron at all. So this one could havea good explanation, I just highly doubt he could have been trained to any prficiency with it, seeing as how nobody would know how to use it.
I'm sure the movie will be good, but these points will probably just bug me for hours afterwards without good explanations.
Anyway, I'm not expecting historical accuracy in this as indicated by my synopsis style.
I just hope they don't screw up such a good premise.
My only issue is that it looks like they made the protagonist a viking himself.
So the Native Americans have to be saved by a white dude.
Which is vaguely insulting.
(Please don't make me relocate to some godforsaken hick state)
Is it just me, or is Viking boy there looking a little emo?
Looks more like a beard axe to me. This is a real viking throwing axe:
I know this on account of having thrown a few myself.
True, still kind of nullifies the supposed hatchet advantage though. Although that has more to do with Samir's write up than the actual movie.
Vaguely insulting sums up the movie for me.
And I liked this guy in Bourne Supremacy, he had a certain sociopath edge. Although, that can be attributed to non-acting.
I need to go see 300 first though
It has not even aired in Sweden yet. It does so the 4th of april
3DS: 2852-6809-9411
Only because they didn't think of it at the time!
And uh, this looks like crap.
It's coming out in the UK in a couple of weeks.
But..the cynical, I'm so cool that I hate everything, interweb savant in me says this will be another craptacular, aimed-at-prepubescent-tough-guys-in-training snoozefest.
It's just that I'm going to be happy seeing the dead white people for all the wrong reasons.
I mean seriously. How many fricking movies do they have to release with Native Americans in it where they adopt some damed European kid and turn him in to a battle god.
Has anyone else read the Christopher Shy-illustrated graphic novel? It was developed alongside the movie, and it's basically the same thing. Story sucks, a lot, but man it looks good.
EDIT: And that's not a mace, it's a morning star.
Edit: A morningstar is not a chain weapon. A morningstar is a primitive mace, a shaft covered in spikes. The weapon being used there is a flail.
I think it's supposed to be ironic or something that they get their asses kicked by one of their own. I guess people might pay to see "VIKINGS vs INDIANS" but they might walk out when it turned out to not be a football movie.
Dances With Wolves anyone? Anyone?
Looks like fun, i wouldnt bother reading too far into it (the whole indians vs vikings thing.) who really cares?
if i have the time, i'll watch it.
The landscape shots are quite nice looking, the rest... not so much.
The only reason why I´d like to see it is Clancy Brown, though. ;-)
Never saw it, myself, but it sounds interesting. I'm not too impressed with the Pathfinder trailer, though.
My Backloggery
This? Poop.
Having actually visited Lanse aux Meadows - the site of a Viking settlement where they made contact with Aboriginals, I couldn't even read the damn OP.
Also, yeah, making the protagonist a Viking himself is pretty insulting.
Thanks.
Whenever I write about something I end up wording it for comedy. I just gave up being a dead serious writer after the last few attempts failed horribly. I'm thinking I'll throw some material in the writing section now.
I guess I was inspired to write heavily in the "Internet humorist with unfailing bravado" style by things like SA, Maddox and my role model, Tucker Max.
What remained in the toilet when I was at last able to stand bore a striking resemblance to this movie.
Little Big Man
Last of the Mohicans
I mean come on now.
At least the poster/art looks kinda neat.