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SoonerMan
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Our Beta Club, mostly smart kids... kind of a smaller town thing I think more localized in the south, qualified for the National Quiz Bowl Competition at the National Convention after we got second at state. Well, we had to raise $5,000 to drive or $10,000 to fly. Our goal was to drive. Our sponsor/coach, talked to the Superintendent and did what she could while try to teach and worry about her family. Superintendent himself suggested we give ourselves a month to get as much as we could so the School Board wouldn't see a bunch of dreamers with $700 wanting to fly to Nashville. Superintendent also said it was most likely NOT going to be approved for us to drive since we waited to look to ask.
Enter girlfriend's mom. My friends constantly tell me how unlucky it is for me to have to deal with her, and I know. We differ greatly in "styles" of approaching problems. I can get just as mad as anyone, but I usually approach stuff like this with a level head. She storms in and screams like the world owes her something until people cave in. Her view is that our sponsor doesn't want us to go (she was going to give up $5k a year by missing some training to go with us) and her figures come up to be $6000 less to fly and get rooms, so it's only around $4000 for my girlfriend's mom's figures. She bitches her way through chain of command so now if I side with actually wanting to go, I make my coach/sponsor look like shit. I don't want to do that.
On the other hand, it'd be awesome to go. I just don't want to make anyone look like shit, especially my sponsor for the sake of my girlfriend's mom. She's a real bitch. I just don't want to be in the fucking crossfire at all, but kind of put myself in this situation since I'm the team captain. More as requested, thanks in advance.
Enter girlfriend's mom. My friends constantly tell me how unlucky it is for me to have to deal with her, and I know. We differ greatly in "styles" of approaching problems. I can get just as mad as anyone, but I usually approach stuff like this with a level head. She storms in and screams like the world owes her something until people cave in. Her view is that our sponsor doesn't want us to go (she was going to give up $5k a year by missing some training to go with us) and her figures come up to be $6000 less to fly and get rooms, so it's only around $4000 for my girlfriend's mom's figures. She bitches her way through chain of command so now if I side with actually wanting to go, I make my coach/sponsor look like shit. I don't want to do that.
On the other hand, it'd be awesome to go. I just don't want to make anyone look like shit, especially my sponsor for the sake of my girlfriend's mom. She's a real bitch. I just don't want to be in the fucking crossfire at all, but kind of put myself in this situation since I'm the team captain. More as requested, thanks in advance.
Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
SoonerMan on
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You haven't done anything wrong, you've just sought someone elses advice. That isn't a dickish thing to do.
If it works maybe all three of you can go to the board with it.
Satans..... hints.....
You're not responsible for other people, so don't feel bad if yolu disagree with their methods. You'd be an idiot not to take advantage of natural things though, and this lady sounds like she's a force to be reckoned with. Sooth personal damage, sure, that's just being a good person. But let the natural drive of this person break through the roadblocks and resistances you're having. That's being a smart person.
Unfortunately I feel like everything is being paid with "blood money" to have gotten here and we're just walking over our sponsor. She told me she won't feel remorseful or hold any grudge against any of us because we're not responsible for the drama that has followed this.
My girlfriend went to the board meeting, I didn't to keep myself from making a scene. All my girlfriend could say was, "SHE WAS SO NEGATIVE. SHE WAS JUST SO NEGATIVE." She referring to our sponsor, but my girlfriend and her mom are... well I guess hopelessly optimistic. They just simply will not admit that something cannot be done. Great, I guess but I don't know what they have to prove. They made it sound like they were doing it for me and a friend of mine that's going too since we're seniors. We don't give a fuck, we just wanna get out of here.
The biggest difference between our original trip and the current one, is our sponsor wanted to take the original three seniors (one dropped out) on an awesome trip we didn't have to worry about anything for. Whereas now we have to pay for our own food and spending money, which is perfectly fine until I equate something else into the mix. The other three people going are bringing their parents, which means they do not necessarily have to worry about food, their parents aren't going to let them go hungry. My friend and me can do it, sure, but I just think it's a tad fucked up.
My girlfriend and me have been arguing about it, she's pulling her mom's tactics. "SCREAM LIKE THIS SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR US!" I haven't fired back the same way, simply telling her how I feel very calmly. Apparently the reason I do not want the other parents to go is because, "I'm jealous mine aren't going." This hurt me because it made it sound like poor bumfuck Geoff's parents can't afford to go. No, it's simply I will feel like my buddy and me will be chillin' while everyone else is having a family vacation. It's cool, but I'm simply wondering where the team is in all of this. She also left me a message, I missed the call, to ask me if I knew how much I was hurting her, when I haven't screamed at her, yelled, or attacked her in anyway. I've simply asked questions and she's flipped out about it.
The "reason" for going is so we can go compete at Nationals. I told her Chip (friend) and me might not go, "WELL WE'LL GO WITHOUT YOU! WE'LL HAVE FUN!" "But, I thought we were going to compete...?" "....*glare*"
They're just so fucking hellbent on going and I simply want to know why things would turn out the way me or him think they will. I keep taking things she has said and, apparently, misinterpreted them greatly which I can gather from her response, "No, no. That's not what I'm saying." "Well, can you tell me what you ARE saying so I can figure out where I'm not getting this?" Then she won't answer.
Simply, I think her and her mom are fucking crazy and childish. On the bigger picture, I guess we're going even though I'm scared to death of flying. I think my friend and myself are going to try some fund raisers to get us our own cash, which I'm sure will be construed as being cocks and worrying about only ourselves; but at this point.. fuck'em. Help, advice, comments, kthx.
I guarantee that in five years you're not going to care about whether or not people in high school thought you were a cock.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Anyway, it sounds to me like your girlfriend and her mom got involved because of you as I didn't see their relation to the entire effort in the information you provided. They probably saw it as really important to you and so decided to do whatever they could to make it happen. You have to understand that not everyone is cool-headed and logical. This seems to be the case especially with your girlfriend's Mom - she reacts emotionally to most situations. Your girlfriend is likely to be similar since her Mom is one of her primary models for behavior. At this point, I suggest being appreciative of their help. I know you feel some moral obligation to your sponsor, but appreciating their help doesn't take away from that loyalty. You can still think your coach is the greatest - maybe not the greatest at planning trips, but hey, no one's perfect.
With regard to the "family vacation" situation, that's a toughy. If you and your friend are the only two who have no parents along, it's possible that others will welcome you into their fold. Maybe even buy you food. Also, it seems to me that you're getting hung up on stuff that's not all that important. For example, how you get to go on the trip and the fact that other people are going. It's happening and if you let yourself, you may have a great time, even if it's not originally the awesome all expenses paid trip you envisioned.
You know you just shit all over your GF and her mother right? They got involved so they could do this thing with and for you, and now you're telling them that you don't want it because you are better than them. Your methods are better, your morals are superior, and your ends are holier. You are better at behaving, better at treating people and know more about how the world works than either of them. The are such terrible people that you would rather not do something you would otherwise really want to do if they are associated with it, they are that fucking tainted and your contempt for them is vast and unyeilding. (while exaggerated to make a point, this is the heart of the message your actions are portraying; if it sounds harsh, thats because it is - if I was your GF I'd be crying by now)
Are you sure none of this is sour grapes? Aren't you just a bit annoyed that even though you see your way as 'better', their way has been undeniably effective? That's got to be a solid kick in the nuts, yeh? I think someone may have had an idea that got commandeered by someone else - it doesn't feel like your idea any more and so its natural to feel resentment. But nip it in the bud, yeh? It sounds like a great opportunity, and you'll regret it if you don't go. No point in moping about whining 'but I wanted to do it my way' ! - You don't have to be loud to be a passive-aggressive buzzkill.
EDIT: Oh yah, good job setting your attitude up as yet another obsticle to overcome. Way to step in front of that train. It's quite the statement, but I don't think its going to stop for you.
You have people who care about you enough to fight for your motherfucking high school extra curriculars. So, they deal with things differently than you do. It doesn't make them inherently wrong, nor you inherently right. Passive-aggressive behavior is just as as bad as aggresive emotional screaming.
Enjoy the trip, and have fun the rest of your senior year.
Perhaps there is a bit of sourness from myself since the way I wanted to do it didn't work out, and the way it IS getting done isn't my cup of tea. That does bother me, because I don't think that someone should have to shit on people to get what they want, ironically it seems that's what I'm doing.
My reason to believe it is NOT for me is because her mom is all, "zOMG I'm the mother of Ashton! Fucking hear me roar!" They're still going if Chip and me decide to back out, I don't believe it is for us. Her mom likes to make people think that they owe her something. I guess if it was done for me, I don't like the way it was done. It's not, "WE R ACTING LIKE COKS 4 GEOFF!!!," but still if it were done for me I don't like how it's been done.
Why should we not raise our own money? I mean the other three families are going to be there to fund their kids' needs, essentially. Because our parents work their asses off (girlfriend's mom is retired, other kids mom is a teacher and won't have to work, and the runs his own business) they're not able to go. That is perfectly fine, but I still think we deserve to put ourselves in a decent position to have just as good of a time as they will. Am I willing to share the money? Hell ya. I'm all about equality if they're willing to work for it.
With our sponsor not going now, I think the parents going instead of her, would make me feel like it's their trip and opportunity to say, "We can do it without the club sponsor." Which is pretty fubar'd.
I'm thankful, sure, but good lord I didn't want a slaughter to get where we are.
Also, keep in mind, your girlfriend may say they're going whether or not you are, but it kind of seems to that based on the way you described it, it's because she's frustrated that you haven't shown your appreciation. I mean, can you imagine the energy that goes into being as emotional or aggressive as they had to be to get the trip to happen? Now imagine that the person you did it for is complaining about how you did it and upset that the outcome wasn't exactly as planned. It seems she was angry and is also not willng to throw her and her mother's efforts in the trash just because you don't like how it all turned out.
Also, you're all going there to compete...as a TEAM. Try to bring the team spirit back and stop focusing on the bullshit politics of the situation. They're only important if you make them that way.
Also, it sucks that your sponsor isn't going...maybe you could arrange for a team phone call or something. It would be easiest to do that if you made sure that it was clear to the parents and others on the trip that they were appreciated as well first.
After that and during the same conversation tell her that from this point forward that you're going to be very positive about this trip. Tell her you still want to fundraise with other team members who also want to and that it will serve as an added bonus. Then, make sure you guys have a great time by being patient with her and not letting the differences between her mother and yourself become an issue. After all, you're dating the girl, not her mother. You just have to understand that she probably loves her mom and doesn't need to hear any criticism of her from you. That makes the two of you combatants when you should be on her side and she should be on yours.
General rule of thumb: never criticize a significant other's parents/family. If they start doing it first, support them, but don't say anything you may regret later.
I don't know how to deal with her, she's so... two-faced, I guess. Kind of person that lives through their kid and pisses me off.
It's incredibly difficult to get parents to see where they're wrong...even more difficult with other people's parents. So my strategy is to let it go and offer an olive branch. You may still not like her or agree with her, but at least you'll be able to have civil conversations and things will be easier on your girlfriend too. She'll know you're doing it for her.
In defense of her advice, she said that my girlfriend hung up on me with no reason I shouldn't feel like the cock since I was just trying to talk.
Do you want to stay with your girlfriend? Do you want to be happy with her? Or do you want to be unhappy and/or break up?
Also, you know she was upset with you, so she did have a reason to hang up on you. Not a good one, but it's there nonetheless. Also, about that conversation I mentioned before, have it in person in a peaceful setting with no doors to slam. Get her to meet you somewhere to talk. She'll probably want to if she's had enough time to cool down.