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Anxiety/Depression meds... Positive experiences?
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Hello,
So I've been a long time sufferer of social anxiety. The sort of thing where talking to another human being is a completely terrifying experience. It's kept me from making friends, finding jobs, stepping outside of my comfort zone (or sometimes even out of my apartment). Anyway, I'm sure many of you know the story. For a long time I thought I had it under control or thought I could get it under control, but I realized recently that if I haven't been able to do that by now, it's probably just not going to happen.
I've seen a therapist for a couple of sessions, and she's brought up the idea of medication. This is something that I've always been afraid of, and turned down in the past. Part of me feels like it would be a way of giving up or 'cheating'. I'm afraid of having to rely on a pill to be a normal person, and I'm afraid of losing my identity. I'm also afraid of becoming addicted. I've also heard that they can increase suicidal tendencies and have a lot of negative side effects. On top of this, I had a room mate in college who was totally reliant on antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication, to the point of consistently binging on his prescriptions and then self-medicating with any drug that he could get his hands on when he ran out early. He was a total mess and I'm afraid of that happening to me.
So for those of you who have used medication for anxiety, what have your experiences been like? Are my fears irrational? Are there alternatives to medication that I should try first? I'm afraid of what my life is turning into and I need help to change it.
Thanks in advance.
So I've been a long time sufferer of social anxiety. The sort of thing where talking to another human being is a completely terrifying experience. It's kept me from making friends, finding jobs, stepping outside of my comfort zone (or sometimes even out of my apartment). Anyway, I'm sure many of you know the story. For a long time I thought I had it under control or thought I could get it under control, but I realized recently that if I haven't been able to do that by now, it's probably just not going to happen.
I've seen a therapist for a couple of sessions, and she's brought up the idea of medication. This is something that I've always been afraid of, and turned down in the past. Part of me feels like it would be a way of giving up or 'cheating'. I'm afraid of having to rely on a pill to be a normal person, and I'm afraid of losing my identity. I'm also afraid of becoming addicted. I've also heard that they can increase suicidal tendencies and have a lot of negative side effects. On top of this, I had a room mate in college who was totally reliant on antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication, to the point of consistently binging on his prescriptions and then self-medicating with any drug that he could get his hands on when he ran out early. He was a total mess and I'm afraid of that happening to me.
So for those of you who have used medication for anxiety, what have your experiences been like? Are my fears irrational? Are there alternatives to medication that I should try first? I'm afraid of what my life is turning into and I need help to change it.
Thanks in advance.
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There are side effects. The increased chance of suicide is mainly for juveniles, but if you experience it you should call your doctor immediately. Sexual side effects are also common: decreased sex drive and difficulty ejaculating. Side effects can go away after some time or you can try a different medication.
It doesn't work instantly. You'll have to be on it for a few weeks before you notice an effect. It also works best in combination with therapy.
Don't let one person abusing pills put you off trying something that could help.
To largely repeat what has been said:
I'm surprised you weren't put on medication immediately upon seeking professional help. You'll probably get put on something like lexapro. It doesn't change your personality, just makes what feel like insurmountable obstacles or events you can't cope with less so, when combined with therapy.
They aren't magic happy pills that radically change you are, it's more a slow steady plod that gradually levels things out for you over time. It's a long term management tool in a box of other tools. A big part of getting over social anxiety for me was realizing that people are too busy worrying about their own problems to notice your problems.
It's not that big of a deal. I'm fairly open about it with people, and often discover people in the same boat. When I reluctantly told the girl I recently started dating that I was on antidepressants her response was "Darling, me too, what are you on?"
The only side effects I experienced were drowsiness with lexapro, which is irrelevant if you take it before bed, and heartburn with sertraline, which is easily mitigated by eating something beforehand.
Given that you've seen what abusing pills does to someone, I'm guessing you'll studiously avoid it yourself.
Also, watch this:
http://www.penny-arcade.com/patv/episode/drugs
Don't feel a stigma about it though, there are more people on medication than not on medications nowadays it seems anyway.
One thing I haven't seen mentioned yet, is if you do need to stop them at one point, be ready, because that's the hard part, even tapering down in the tiniest amounts, you can get some real weird physical effects. ( Brain Zaps are one of the worst, it's like your brain shocks your body with a jolt of electricity, they suck so hard, but it is doable, just annoying/uncomfortable , and can last a while once you quit)
I'll let other people address most of the rest, the comparison to broken bones and all that, but I really want to say something about this "losing of your identity" thing that I was so afraid of, and apparently you are too. I am married. I have a 6-month-old son. I love them both. I hate anise. HATE anise. Hear that, cookie exchange people? HATE. I love eating out. I love to crochet. I love to learn to do new things of all kinds. I do not really enjoy exercise. I'm something of a technophobe, but once you sit me down with a new toy and I get used to it I forget what life was like without it. I think bunches of the rest of the staff on this forum. I am somewhat addicted to WoW. If I get most of the way through a movie or book and think the ending is going to be sad I will probably stop, and so I am stranded in what I am told is the most depressing part of Babylon5. I am politically liberal. I am Jewish.
Those things don't change, whether or not I am on medication, and they, among other beliefs, likes, dislikes, tolerances, and intolerances, comprise one aspect of my identity. Then there's the other aspect of who I am: I don't leave my apartment without my husband. Ever. I can be coaxed out if he can't take off for lunch and the rent needs to be paid. I don't want to talk to anyone because it's scary and more trouble than it's worth and they are going to hate me anyway, eventually if not now, and maybe not even before I'm frustrated with them for what is probably a very normal thing but has just rubbed me the wrong way. I barely have the energy to turn on the TV sometimes, let alone function emotionally in a social environment. The worst part is that I have no patience for the people I love who try so hard to help me feel better. And that aspect of who I am is unpleasant not only to others but to me; it's a terrible way to feel all the time and it absolutely affects my personality.
What I couldn't see the first.. oh.. let's say five times I was scared to go on or back on medication (because I'd gone off because I thought I didn't need it anymore) is that the second part of my identity? I want that to change. It sucks. That's the whole point. It's what makes me and everyone else miserable. I'll never be out clubbing with the girls because I don't like that and I like being at home, but it might be nice not to be scared to get in a car or to talk to a stranger. It's nice not to feel like everyone's default emotion toward me is dislike. It's nice to feel like the worst, most soul-crushing, most tear-inducing thing in the world for me to do might not actually be grocery shopping.
I thought the moon was pretty before I was ever on medication, and I still think it's pretty while I'm medicated, but while I'm medicated I'm several orders of magnitude less likely to take your head off because the day already had me worn down 10 minutes after I woke up and it's now 8pm.
The point I'm trying to make is that the medication probably will change you, but you want it to. That is the desired result. If you didn't want it to you wouldn't be starting it, so keep an open mind. If it starts to change you in ways you don't like, then you can and probably should try a different one. It took me a while to find the one that was the best for me, but once I did I found that I am just so much MORE myself on it, rather than less. I am free from whatever it is in my brain that makes me feel bad such a high percentage of the time.
But at the same time, I didn't want to become "addicted" to a drug either. But eventually I finally broke down and was able to ask my doctor for help.
And... things got better! I was still me, I still liked the things I always liked, I still didn't LOVE going out with people, but... I didn't have the constant heart racing anymore . Nor did I have worry about having an anxiety attack when I got home from said outings. I felt like... Kinda like when I was 10 and first got glasses. I could finally "see" things properly. I felt, "ooooh, so THIS is normal! It's so... normal!"
I dunno. I'm not very good at explaing things.
As an added bonus, it turned out that my "random" (but rare) moments of extreme temper blowups pretty much stopped after I started taking meds. So that was nice
I still have anxiety issues, especially when dealing with new situations, but it's a lot better than it used to be.
That isn't to say they don't have their (very short term) valid uses, but lots of doctors just prescribe and forget, and when it comes time to withdraw because you figured out that you're building a tolerance and your anxiety is worse than it was before the drugs, they'll do barbaric shit like admit you to a hospital and use phenobarbital to keep you from having too many seizures.
If your doctor wants to get you on a benzodiazepine (and please, for the love of god, ask if it's a benzo), make sure it is only a very short term thing. The addiction potential rises exponentially after about a month, and by the time you've been on it a year there is something ridiculous like a 99.9% chance of tolerance/addiction.
Depression is something that medications work well for, but I highly recommend seeing a therapist and doing progressive muscle relaxation or basically anything other than taking a benzo for anxiety.
These drugs are benzodiazepines.
Again, I'm not trying to scaremonger here. I just want you to be aware of the risks of taking this particular kind of drug.
I haven't stopped taking it in probably 5 years now. I haven't had a full panic attack since I started on them either. I am ridiculously happy I tried them. I'm on a very low dose, the dose they start you on (when my dose increase I lost my libido completely, which I'm not a fan of so I reduced again). It hasn't changed who I am. I'm not an addict, I have a genuine medical problem that a small amount of medication daily can address. Same as high blood pressure, it's just something that medication is made for now.
Regarding addiction, there are some spot-treatments for anxiety that can be quite addictive or used recreationally, i.e. valium (which I've had once for a phobia I had to face, and boy howdy I can see why people enjoy that one). Just talk to your doctor about your worries about addiction. There are other options. Some of them are lower efficacy, but not addicting it's at least worth trying them. My doctor also prescribed me propanalol for when I feel an attack coming on, which is something also given to people who are experiencing nerves around specific issues i.e. public speaking. It's not addictive, it's a mild affect, but it helps keep the worst at bay.
I was lucky, the first drug I tried worked really damn well for my anxiety. One of my coworkers has had to try a half dozen different meds before finding ones that work for her (for bipolar disorder, so a little different, but still). Honestly I'm very happy I went on medication for my anxiety. I'm not afraid to talk about it openly with my friends either, and I think that's going to be important to try and remove some of the stigma around mental health medications.
Are diabetes patients cheating? Is chemotherapy the human equivalent of the Konami code? Is getting a liver transplant "hax"? Clearly, no. So why should the brain be any different from the other organs in the body?
But if you are going to do this, you have got to get over this shame factor and relax. Which yes, social anxiety patient being told to relax is not the most helpful thing. HOWEVER:
The failure of most patients who are put on medications such as this comes from them doing one of a few things:
Stopping the medication because they feel it isn't working or isn't the right one
Stopping the medication because they feel they are cured or can now function without it
Continuing to take medication that isn't working for them without talking to the doctor about it
Failing to articulate how they feel on the medication or about the medication to the doctor
Part of it is the doctors fault. They don't explain everything required in sufficient detail, and patients are too afraid to ask, or to look stupid/ignorant.
So here is what I would do: Write down every concern, every question you have before you start the meds. If the doctor hasn't explained everything so you are satisfied with the answer, repeat the question and be specific about the area you want covered. Don't feel like you are stupid if you need to go over something several times. You would question a car salesman if you didn't understand them, and here is someone asking you to chemically alter your brain. Be sure you understand before you start.
Once you start, keep a diary. If you feel something is really wrong, take the diary to the doctor and show them. Do not stop taking the medication before doing this. Part of the process is an alteration of your mental state. Otherwise what would be the point? But you need a professional to tell you if you should continue or stop the medication. Making the decision yourself is no different than someone who says "I was given these liver pills, but I lose my appetite when I take them. So I'm just going to control my cirrhosis myself." Don't treat your brain any different than any other part of your body.
When you take the diary in to the doctor, if you want to stop the medication or try another one, point out ALL the problems you have with the current one. If you only say some of them, they might be the temporary ones that fade after a few weeks, but the "doorknob" problems (the ones patients bring up as they are on their way out, with their hand on the doorknob "oh, I'm also spending hours locked in the bathroom, not in a fun way") can be the permanent, serious ones that people are too embarrassed to bring up.
Try and remember you are talking with someone who hears these things every day for years. You aren't going to be the first one to mention something new. Relax, take a breath and say what is really troubling you. Make lists, write things down. Say them even if you think they seem stupid, trivial or nonsense. You can always just show them the notes and let them read them.
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Today I was at a 'social function' type of thing, and it was the the most heart-pounding experience I have had in months. If I could just feel a little bit more normal in those sorts of situations it would be worth it.
What kind of social function? Why was it so bad? And what do you think the "normal" response would be?
It's quite likely that everyone there was feeling something similar to you to a greater or lesser extent. Do I look okay in these clothes? Am I saying the right/wrong thing? What do these people really think of me?
Turns out that a lot of the time you are being "normal", within a standard deviation or so. You just might be more aware of your thoughts. Maybe you could try looking at other people there and seeing if you can spot them thinking the same things you are: covering their mouth in case they have food in their teeth, or straightening their clothes a little too often.
My experiences with all this have come form the outside, so whilst I have the benefit of taking several people's journeys and learning from each one, it is still second-hand. I can talk about this because I had friends and relationships that dealt with it. What I can't say is how it feels, beyond the descriptions I was given. But the ones who coped best were the ones that did the most talking, the most explaining to the "normals". The diary process came from a girl I was with at university. She was dyslexic on top of the other problems, so I would write things down for her word for word. Then if I didn't understand it, I could ask her to rephrase things or elaborate, and added notes. Her talking to me about it was what showed that some things she felt were part of the condition, some were part of the medication kicking in, or wearing off if she skipped a dose (dyslexic and forgetful), and some were just part of normal everyday life.
Those who fared the worst were the ones who clammed up, who avoided talking about the subject and tried to deny there was even a problem. Not getting medical help, or getting a prescription and just leaving it in a drawer, or taking it for a month and then deciding to stop. Self medicating with OTC products and recreational narcotics was a typical response in the early years. Still is for a couple of them.
The other thing I would say is that you shouldn't expect a miraculous change once you start the meds. A big part of this is down to social skills that you likely haven't developed because of the condition. Once the medication kicks in you don't magically gain twenty or thirty years of non-verbal social cues via Matrix-style brain implant. You are going to have to learn that stuff and fill in some gaps. But the good news is that you won't be so nervous about the gaps.
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Oh God, the feels. ;.;
Meds have been among the best things to happen to me, OP. There are side effects, like with any medication, and you may need to try a few different medications before you find one that's appropriate for you (I was very lucky and saw some very good doctors, and they prescribed exactly what I needed the first try). Therapy is still important while you're on medication, at least for a little while.
As everyone else has said, the Hollywood myth of anti-depressant drugs making people suicidal or robbing them of their creativity is just that: a myth (probably one that's emerged as a result of Scientology's influence in that arena).
I think that when I interact with people my brain sort of goes into fight or flight mode where I'm just trying to survive the situation and make an exit without seeming too impolite. So it's hard for me to pay attention to what other people are thinking in the moment, and to know if they're feeling the same way as I am or not.
Trust me, the idea that my anxiety is a not a disease and that I'm just worse at coping than other people is a constant source of self-doubt, and it's probably part of what has kept me from seeking help in the past.
But I appreciate your advice about not expecting a miracle from the medication. Actually, the idea that the drugs wouldn''t have a ridiculously dramatic effect kind of makes me feel better about it.
In any case, I have another appointment with the therapist (not an MD) scheduled for next week, and from there she's going to recommend a psychiatrist.
I had a lot of anxiety issues and saw it as "cheating" initially as well. After being on a mix of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds (for emergencies) for a while, I had a better frame of reference of what "normal" feels like, as well as improved "armor" in terms of having positive experiences in public. Often the problem is a mix of natural anxiety and the mental buildup of bad experiences. Diluting the pool of bad experiences with lots of good ones helped as much as the drugs, and I eventually went off them. I wouldn't say my experience/issues are typical, but sometimes you just need a helping hand to get back up and dust yourself off, and it's by no means a life sentence.
I will echo Josh above though, stay away from benzo's if possible.
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Since you are not actually his therapist, it is probably better if you don't nitpick at his thinking. The above may be your philosophy on anxiety and other issues, something you've already said you don't actually experience, but really let's leave the armchair to the mental health professional he is actually seeing. This is less of a suggestion and more of a "stop doing that please because some of what you are saying can actually be destructive to his process, especially if he is already seeing someone for it."
This was me. For, oh, about 10 years. Maybe a little more, honestly. Then, back in March 2010, the anxiety became so bad that I would burst into random fits of tears. Then, my body started freaking out. How, you ask? Soul crushing pain in the pit of my stomach. I was in and out of the E.R. for 3 years before a doctor finally said to me, "We have tested you for everything, and after getting to know you ... we think it might be anxiety."
I guffawed at the idea. I knew I was anxious, but surely, everyone experienced the same thing? The doctor offered me medication right there and then, and - as he spoke - the pain in my stomach came up. "Oh no no no I can't take medication - what if I don't actually have a problem? Won't it hurt me? Won't I become not me?" The doctor said "Everything you just said - just now - points to anxiety. I can recommend a psychologist?"
So I agreed to go see a psychologist, thinking to myself that she would dismiss me as just being a fussbucket, and be internally angry with me for wasting her time.
I did the tests, showed up for the first appointment, and we got to know each other. In this first appointment, she basically told me of her theories - all scientific and based on a non-ongoing treatment - and I explained to her what I had thought, throughout all the doctor stuff. I reiterated to her that I was there to cure my stomach pains, and that the doctor had told me they wanted to investigate this as a cause.
The second appointment, I had done some exercises, and she pinpointed some things in my answers. Our conversations made me cry in front of her, on a repeated topic. After I cleared up from that, we discussed my thought paths - I walked her through one of my thought trains, and her eyes widened. She started asking me psychosis questions.
The third appointment, she told me something that made me wake up. After I had said "I don't want to waste your time, there are others that need your help more than me" she said "You are one of the most severe cases of anxiety I have ever seen." We then spoke about how "strong" she thought I was in that I have pushed past my own social anxiety (I popped out of that shell when I was about 23 just from my own internal pushing) -- but that the others were so ragingly obvious that she was completely intrigued by it. She also told me another point I'd never considered: my childhood gave me PTSD. I was also diagnosed with mild depression.
So, what's the TL;DR here?
I got put on anti-depressants / anti-anxiety medication, and since then, my pain has completely disappeared for the most part, and the small bits that do come up are completely manageable. My thinking is clearer and less clouded. I am still me - I am, perhaps, MORE me than ever. And I could have had this 10 years ago, if I'd just gotten myself the help. But, it's difficult - when you're in that mindframe, you truly don't think you need it.
If you ever want to talk, shoot me a PM.
Take care.
I can understand having trepidation about taking medications, any type, but especially for mental health issues. In hindsight, I will quite honestly say that I was almost certainly too stupidly stoic and/or clueless and didn't take it nearly as much as I likely should have. On the occasions I did allow myself to take one, it helped. It was my medical practitioner who gave them to me, along with a major anti-depressant a bit later. I did half-heartedly try to take the anti-depressant, but I didn't like how it make me feel flattened out and even almost numb.
The moral to take here isn't not to take these types of medications, though. What I lacked, and what my advice would be, is to make sure you have mental health professionals who can help you with these medications. I'm not blaming my doctor; she was trying to help and did her best. But what I didn't realize and was incapable of seeing at the time is that I should have had the proper oversight and advice with those drugs. It's possible they could have done much more to help me and could have saved me months of grief. To take it further, if things do take the medication route for you, make absolutely sure you are honest with your therapist/psychiatrist about how any prescription makes you feel, even if you think it's an unimportant detail. I see it as a partnership where you are supposed to be honest with them, while in turn, they are absolutely supposed to be listening to your feedback. It also may take some trial and error to find the right people to work with as well, but it's absolutely worth it.
I may well be taking my own advice soon. After my life was upended and once I thought I had things on a reasonably even keel, I realized that I really needed to move somewhere different. I made a long-distance relocation, which I still think was the right step, but this first year here hasn't been wonderful. It's recently been hammered home that I've spent most of the time clinically depressed, so I am trying to find someone here with whom I feel comfortable who can help me.
The first therapist I met with didn't click with me, but she did say something interesting. It was lightly touched upon in passing a few posts back and I mentioned it in another thread earlier this week as well, so it seems like it's definitely both relevant and important. She pointed out to me that when a person's body can't produce enough insulin and they are diabetic as a result, no one thinks the worse of them for it, or because they take insulin. If someone's body doesn't produce enough serotonin or other neurotransmitter, it shouldn't be seen any differently.
Finally, because you asked about alternatives, I do have one bit of experience to offer. I cannot stress enough that this isn't even remotely meant for anyone as a "you should do this!" in any way, shape, or form. I'm not a mental health professional. I basically found some interesting information that I then researched, and having deemed it a reasonable thing to attempt, decided to pursue.
All that being said, the same therapist I saw recently theorized that I might have naturally low serotonin levels based on family history and personal traits. We talked about medication, which I told her I would be willing to judiciously pursue. She can't prescribe them though, so I need to find both a therapist and a psychiatrist. But I was curious about what she had said, because for some reason it seemed to make sense to me. I didn't want to wait until I had found the right professionals, so I started looking for natural ways to boost serotonin.
It turns out that there is a supplement called 5-HTP. Our bodies naturally make it from tryptophan and it's a metabolic precursor to both serotonin and melatonin. It can also be naturally sourced from certain plants. You can't take serotonin itself in any form your brain can use, but 5-HTP can be metabolized in the body, possibly helped with a nice boost from vitamin B6. It's theorized to help with depression and anxiety as well as some other issues. I won't go into a ton of detail as that's something everyone should do for themselves if they have interest, but while no major medical studies have been done, smaller ones have been performed with promising results. It's classified as a dietary supplement and can be found at any reputable vitamin shop. I bought some that day and have been taking one 100mg capsule per day.
At first, it was astounding. It felt like before I had been struggling to get my brain to work at 65%, maybe 70% on a good day. That is very unlike me. With the 5-HTP, it felt like my brain could hit 100% with no effort. It didn't make all my problems go away, but I no longer felt like I was at the bottom of a pit, either. While that initial amazement has leveled off some, it's still helping. I'm taking what seems to be a relatively small dose, so I need to plan how to safely tinker with it. Overall, though, I'm profoundly grateful that it seems to be helping, and I wish I would have known about it long, long ago. I still plan to pursue professional help, and definitely will mention it to them.
I waited for almost a week before I told my best friend about it. Her response was positive and contained two notable elements. The first was that she suggested that I keep a journal of how I feel for reference. I wish I had thought of that myself, and have since started one. The second was the casual mention of the anti-depressant the she takes, and how she's found taking it at night is best for her. It was nice not to feel alone.
Sorry for the long post. I hope things work out well for you.
For as long as i can remember, I was shy and kinda nervous, but I always thought this was normal. After all, I never had any occasion to compare. But the real awakening came in college. For the first 4 semesters, I had found friends, things were going well, except that I wasn't any good at maths, but I was okay with that. I lagged behind, I started getting nervous and eventually had a small breakdown that led me to change majors from Science to Administration. It was the day of my calculus final that I showed up to college not to take the exam but to change majors.
But at that point, my new friends graduated, save for one who also changed majors. During these 4 semesters, these 2 years, I was in a club, well, me and my 4 other friends were the club. The club having been essentially dissolved, I tried to follow my friend into the club he joined and, well, got rejected. Really really badly rejected. This crushed me, i felt completely betrayed by my best friend at the time and just... completely stopped having friends, going out, etc. I spent about 2 years doing my new major silently, knowing that something was wrong with me but not wanting to address it. I thought I could handle it, and i did.
I didn't go to the prom, much to the chagrin of the people in my major. See, I was well-liked by them, but I was not well-liked by myself. i blinded myself to the fact that people could like me. The real tipping point, though, was the internship.
At the end of the major, during the last half of the last semester, I went to a small local business and had an intern position in accounting. I actually did a lot more than just accounting, the boss really liked me and my insight, i thought he was a nice guy and he even offered me a job at the end, as a business analyst. I could've even worked from home for him. But I turned his offer down. Because during the internship, i had a panic attack.
It was an ordinary day, i was doing ordinary tasks and I just... couldn't do it anymore. i was too scared to mess up, too scared to ruin the business, that I froze and panicked and hyperventilated. Everyone there was really concerned about me. I took a break, got a coffee, calmed down and went back and finished my day.
That's the day i realized I needed genuine help, even if it meant taking medication.
It took something like 4 months before i met a psychiatrist, thanks to my mom pulling some strings. I didn't have a diagnosis, I didn't have a therapist, but I had a psychiatrist. I told him my symptoms, explained I thought I had a Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and depression.
I didn't mention it, but for a long while, i had suicidal thoughts, I had depressive feelings, but back then, I thought depression was feeling sad, not feeling muted and disconnected.
I was also terrified of meds. Terrified that I'd lose myself in them, that I'd become someone else, that I'd be addicted to them, that I'd become less than who I am, just some kind of barely functional facsimile of myself...
But my doctor explained that the meds wouldn't change me, the meds would make me return to who I really am, it's the mental illness that mess me up, that change me.
it's been, like, 3 years since I got on meds. It didn't take long to get a combination that worked. For me, the effects of the meds were incredibly subtle, but they were there. I'm still anxious, I'm still sometimes a bit depressed, but i'm functional, I'm not perfectly cured yet because mental illness isn't just cured by pills, you also need to work on the cognitive facet of it, which is why i now see a therapist.
But the meds really helped. I don't feel like killing myself anymore, I don't spend hours crying anymore, I don't have panic attacks whenever things aren't going perfectly anymore. I still don't see people or go out, though, but I'm working on that.
Maybe it'll be slow for you, maybe it'll be quick, maybe it'll be a rocky ride, but the first step is to look for help and you're doing that, @food.
You're doing that and that's great.
I hope my post will at least help you a tiny bit.
TL;DR:
You're not alone, it might not change you as much as you'd think, or even want, it can be a slow process, you'll need therapy and meds, most likely, but after some time, you'll feel so much better and you'll think you were a bit silly for being scared.
But it's okay to be scared, this is all you've known and it's scary to step outside what you know. just know that we're all there, behind you.
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It absolutely isn't failure. What meds do is help blunt the physical symptoms that go along with anxiety and help your mood so that you have a better baseline to use for tackling the "thinking" part of anxiety. That's the real hard work that requires discipline and determination and is a lifelong process, but it gets easier as long as you keep practicing, and you'll enjoy life so much more! Plus you'll feel proud of yourself for sticking with it, so the drugs just become a daily routine that helps support your real work.
Just don't give up if the first thing you try doesn't work for you or has not-the-greatest side effects. The good news is that the modern crop of anti-anxiety/depression meds have way fewer side effects (for most people) than drugs from just ten years ago. Keep in touch with your doctor and don't be afraid to ask if x thing you're experiencing is a side effect.
I suffer from mild depression. My parents bother suffered, as do some other members of my family. For a long time it wasn't really a big deal, but what I have found is that during periods of intense emotional strain - breakups, difficult times at work - my "lows" are really, really low. So my therapist recommended I take Lexapro. I was also very worried about requiring a pill to be a functional person, and losing myself, and who I was. But that is not what the pill does. It just helps to smooth out the bumps in the road. The really low lows aren't so low anymore. It doesn't mean I don't feel depressed sometimes, it just means that life doesn't seem completely pointless.
Like other people have mentioned (ok I skimmed the other responses) I still enjoy everything I used to. Working out, playing games, being with friends. Obviously Lexapro is a pretty mild medication compared to some on the market but even if you have to take stronger stuff, dont be afraid. It is a very real thing that our brain chemistry can get all kinds of messed up, and it is ok to accept help for that.
For example, sometimes I'll have good days where I'll get up first thing in the morning, take a shower, make myself breakfast and get going early pretty much without forcing it. Then other days I can't make myself get out of bed because I have no energy at all and life seems hopeless.
There are days when I can hang out with my room mates and watch TV shows, and make jokes and whatnot, and then there are other times when I just have nothing to say or everything irritates me.
I'll have days when I can walk outside and just enjoy how beautiful everything looks in the light of the sun, and then there are times where I can't even find a way to enjoy my favorite TV show.
Sometimes I'll have days where I can talk to other people reasonably well, (though it's never pleasant). Then I'll have days when I won't leave my apartment because there are people outside the door to the building and I'm afraid of having to make conversation.
The things that make my mood turn can be something big, or something small like 'I should have given money to that homeless person' or 'I think I embarrassed myself in that conversation', and then at other times I can't really find a reason.
This led me eventually to the wikipedia page of something called Bipolar II disorder, which is like regular Bipolar but with less severe manic episodes (hypomania) and more frequent depressive episodes. Some of the symptoms of hypomania seem to ring true, (racing thoughts, distractibility, over-activity... actually I'm experiencing something like those right now), but other symptoms seem totally off, like grandiosity and increased risk taking.
Also I read that the hypomanic episodes are supposed to last at least four days... my moods like this only seem to go on for a day at most.
The symptoms of the depressive episodes seem pretty spot on to me though, especially hypersomnia.
Does anyone have experience/knowledge about Bipolar II that goes beyond the wikipedia page? I'll ask the therapist about it in a few days anyway, but I'd like to hear your opinions also.
Do yourself a favor and don't look too the internet for a diagnosis. Just wait and talk to your therapist, get your referral and go from there.
Yo I suffer from bipolar II, major depression with psychotic elements, generalized anxiety disorder, and social anxiety disorder. Also, somewhat paradoxically, adult ADHD. I'm gonna tell you about the kinds of pills I've taken. cos for me, demystifying something dispells my fear. I've been on medication and therapy for all or part of these since 2006, but suffered from most of it since adolescence or early adulthood. The specific acute parts of my disorders are that I get terrified for absolutely no reason (or any reason), and I'm not able to maintain a long-term commitment like a job because of both the depression and the anxiety.
Effects of drugs vary by individual, so I can only share my own experiences. My specific combination of disorders and drugs evokes a personal mix of effects from the drugs. I'm able to tell them apart from both a long time taking them and trying many different combinations.
Let me say first thing that for some of these troubles, pills are like a band-aid or bone splint. They kinda make it manageable or stop things from getting worse, but recovery is mostly based on practicing skills you learn from a counselor. The only caution I'll give about medicine is that short term anxiolytics, like Klonopin (clonazepam, a benzodiazapine), are easy to build a tolerance to and shouldn't be taken long-term, even if the proscription keeps revolving. When it says 'take as necessary' or whatever on the bottle, don't take it every day 3 times a day on a schedule like I did.
Benzos are the only drug I've ever been proscribed that have anything a 'fun' effect, the rest are too subtle or long-term to notice a difference. There's no effect and therefore no point in abusing the other shit you might get.
Ok regular boring anti-depressants like SSRIs and SNRIs. These are subtle and pretty mild on me. It takes between 6-8 weeks for most to have any effect, so day-to-day you can't really tell if it's working. If you want to see evidence of how these kinds of drugs are affecting your personality and mood, keep a little journal. A few words a few times a week is good enough. The only truly annoying side effect I've ever had is temporary sexual dysfunction when starting a different one. This makes it hard to get up or get off, and is frustrating but goes away. They CAN also promote weight gain and/or make losing weight difficult, but I don't know cos I was already a disgusting fatty before I started any drugs.
For me, the beneficial effects of anti-depressants in these categories are a reduction in serious suicidal ideation and desire for self-harm, an increase in my social endurance, a mental buffer against trivial annoyances, and an increase in focus and attention. Like I said though these are subtle and mild.
Benzodiazepines. This is like a quick-fix short-term kinda drug you're usually supposed to use to calm down a building anxiety attack, or abort one in progress. If you're on top of your mood and stimuli that trigger anxiety, you can sometimes use it pre-emptively, although you should practice your mental exercises first instead. You mighta tried something like Xanax if you ever went to a clinic for a panic attack. You'll notice though in such an emergency situation they only ever give you like 5 or 6 of them, because benzos are a schedule-iv controlled substance. They're not for long-term use. Oh my god don't take these for more than a month at a time.
I don't use these anymore for reasons, but if you get this kinda drug it will make you feel really relaxed, and not give a shit about whatever it was that made you anxious. It can calm down your thoughts so you can sleep. It can make a trip into Winco or Walmart to buy food bearable, although you might be a little slow getting the job done. If you feel like you're gonna hurt yourself or destroy property, this type of drug arrests that kind of feeling.
Anti-psychotics. I used to suffer from acute paranoia and ... I can't remember what I tried, a few different ones. Anyway its kinda subtle like an anti-depressant. I will say that for me, the ones I tried made me really mentally slow and boring, which, I guess, is kind of the point. The net effect is a lot like an anti-depressant but more so in some respects. I stopped taking these when I learned to logic my way out of paranoia with what my counselor taught me.
Other stuff I have taken has been for its lesser effects:
Trileptal (oxcarbazepine) This is for my bipolar II. Usually it's for epilipsy, but I'm using it for its mood-stabilizing effect. If a normal mood goes in a pattern like a sine wave, and Biploar II has taller waves with shorter wavelength, this drug chops off the peaks and troughs. I avoid the racing thoughts, the suicidal ideation, the random bouts of negativity, and soforth at the expense of missing out on the tops of the 'up' times. Worth it, so I'm not miserable as often.
Trazodone. This is actually a serotonin reuptake inhibitor-type antidepressant, but in my case it's for helping me sleep and stay asleep. It's actually kind of hard for me to specify the effects it has on me. A major problem I deal with is random, racing thoughts when I'm not occupied with something, like when I'm trying to sleep. Eventually my brain runs out of stuff to flip through when I take this and the oxcarbazepine, but if I miss it it's difficult to impossible to sleep until I'm beyond exhausted at 30+ hours awake. I suspect I could train myself off of this if I needed to with mental exercises.
I'm leaving out the ADHD drugs cos I'm not familiar enough with the effects, except that Adderall is super potent stuff and after having a months worth, it would be super easy to abuse.
Have you tried Mindfulness Meditation? It may seem hokey at first, but there does appear to be some legitimacy to it, in terms of efficacy in reducing anxiety and depressive feelings. Part of it is becoming aware of the physical sensations going on during anxiety, with the idea that the more you can notice these changes, the more you'll be able to gain some control. Stuff like your breathing, tensing of different parts of your body, these all play a significant factor in how your anxiety works. There's also focus on noticing negative thought patterns, with similar underlying ideas of awareness allowing for some semblance of control(perhaps control isn't the best term to use here though).
Anyways, it may be something to look into. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a doctor known for integrating these practices into contemporary psychology, has some mediation practice on youtube. Of course, I can't guarantee anything.
I've had 6 month periods where I simply couldn't drive to work my anxiety was so bad. Through work with my Dr, my meds and some not so average conversions of Buddhist theory, I'm actually able to drive full weekends for gaming and food and other exciting things. Driving anxiety for me was nearly crippling. It can be managed, and it starts with your doc. Meds won't make you any different than you are. It just helps to make things more manageable. I'm also open for PM chat if it makes you more comfortable. We all need folks we can talk to.
Ativan is a relatively slow burn benzo that is good for anxiety that is stuck in a feedback loop but again you shouldn't be using it long term but as a spot treatment while you learn coping mechanisms or find other long-term appropriate medication
If you want to you can PM me about it. I am actually fairly objective about benzos, for a former (unwilling, unknowing) addict anyway.
though I was thinking about it last night and am wondering if its worth just trying sopmething more benign long term, since i realized that its more prominent an issue then i thought. its not a crippling anxiety and i can overcome it, but its enough to be noticable
Thanks, I'm going to check out the videos.
They might not work for you and they're far from a miracle cure, but my experience despite the side-effects was overwhelmingly positive and I wish I'd tried them earlier.
I was on the lowest possible dose of Ativan for about a month before the doctor decided to up the dosage, and it worked for a while until I got addicted.
I'm not trying to frighten you but please be aware that benzos are supremely addictive and coming off of them suuuuucks.