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Girl I've been doing stuff with invited me to her birthday party... (sad/long)
drg2365
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This is long but emotional for me, deals with a death of someone close. Cliffnotes at the end.
So I've been doing some stuff with this one girl I met working on campus, we work as aides in the learning center/computer lab, and as luck/fate would have it we get off work at the same time Mondays/Wed. We had a good bit in common, her minor is my major, both from suburban Chicago. She is pretty comfortable around me and I can always make her laugh/smile. We talk in/after work all the time, its a chill job where 'potential drama' is kept to a minimum. We go to UW-Madison. We went to the season opener pep rally together (here for Men's Bball, the opening pep rally is insane - she had never gone to one), it was very fun and exciting, and I followed it up quickly with a nice/easy dinner together a few days later that went well. Didn't force any moves, just having fun and seeing where it went. And interest I guess seemed to be growing? Last week after work I was walking her to the library, I was gathering up the courage to ask her out on a 'real date' then and there so to speak but I got an unexpected turn in my favor. I ask her what she was doing this weekend and she says its her and her (female) two friends (combined - because of Thanksgiving) birthday party and that I should come. I of course say yeah I'd love to, sounds awesome. She IMMEDIATELY texts me the address to the house its at and tells me to text her Saturday for more specifics about it.
Ok so the evening of the party. Text her what time to come? and she gets back to me about an hour later. 10:00. At about 8:30, I get a call from my dad saying that my uncle had passed away earlier in the day, albeit not totally unexpectedly, of complications from cancer. I was pretty shocked and devastated, he was supposed to make it. And had a decision to make. A) Not go and not tell her why and look like an a$$ (in the moment only), because she might have really wanted me to go. B- Not go and tell her why, and risk really bumming her out right before her party. C) Just go and see what happens and try not to think about it. After all I would of been more sad if I was all alone. I went with option C, the other two just seemed kinda selfish and I would have probably blown it on top of being down and out.
Well the party wasn't to surprising. (We're both of legal drinking age, just fyi I'm 23, she turned 22) I get there, she greets me, there were probably like 30 people there at that point with more ever arriving. I didn't know a single person. She gave me a quick hug, said she was glad I came, and pointed me to the keg. She was pretty drunk and getting more so, she never really introduced me to anyone, I was kind of upset about that. But I knew that standing alone was no good. I quickly start to mingle. Take a keg stand (to which the party stopped, counted, and cheered) she actually came up to me and gave me a hug again and 'Was like haha I'm glad you did that, that was awesome' talked very breifly, she went to go mingle. I start a game of flip cup which was fun, she plays like two of three rounds next to me, but quickly left because the pace of drinking was too much.
She was getting attention from other dudes for sure. Not like all other them, but it was definitely there. But it was her friends and her party, I was doing my best to just mingle, have fun, and in a way show her I can function around her friends. Not follow her around, be all over her, etc. Well after the flip cup game and getting to know some more people (past 11 now) the party was big. A legit kegger. I had lost her for awhile, and we met up again. She's really drunk at this point, and she goes to the dance floor, which had newly formed. She touched my shoulder/arm before she went, but not in a 'follow me' type of way. I was about to follow her and start dancing, but she was dancing only with her girlfriends in like a circle. Didn't know what to do lol. Well around midnight its completely packed. I started to get sick of meeting new people, every person I saw/talked to was the first time I saw that person in my life, and now it was packed and loud, rendering convo not there. I see her dancing with some other guy, kind of grinding up on each other. Made me really uncomfortable, but again its her party and it is that type of party.
Just kind of standing in a sea of people, didn't know anyone, girl was dancing with someone else. I started to remember what had happened earlier when someone said my uncle's name. I had done decently enough (surprised myself) how quickly I forgot about it, but it really did only last so long, happens when you get drunk. I was there two hours the size had gone from ~30 and fun, to 100+ and crowded/loud with no one to talk and getting depressed about things. I just slipped out the door and left. I had done my best.
Walked home, really didn't have a good day Sunday, really just sad about the whole thing. Fast forward to this morning. She texts me 'Hey I hope you had a good time, I would have said bye to you but I never saw you leave' which was nice. I told what what had happened before the party and I went because I wanted to see her and wish her a happy birthday. She immediately was shocked and said sorry, said I was brave for coming. Talk a little bit about school, asked her if she wanted to take a study break with me at the campus dining hall. She says yeah, she'll be in the library all day, stressing about tests/papers.
Meet up at the dining hall and its fine. She was really stressed out about school since its 'hell week' right before fall break. We talked about the party. She had a lot of fun, but was totally oblivious to a lot of stuff. Asked me if I had known anybody coming there - I said no only you. Didn't remember too much from earlier in the party, only vaguely aware I was even there (as in she knew I had come but had very little specific details) I was kind of put off but wasn't sure if that was the right mindset. Kind of inquired how she ended her night (attempt to see if she hooked up), seemed like she didn't, got a ride home with her friends from a DD, but who really knows. Let it all go. Asks if I want to come to the computer lab with her to study a bit. We have the same class, just different sections/times and said class has a test tomorrow.
Studied a bit. Like an hour and a half. Both of us were tired, her way more so, and she was really concerned about her school stuff. But its all fine. We are in my car and we get to her house. I thanked her for coming with me to eat. She said she was really sorry about my uncle and we had kind of a brief quiet moment together. She asked what happened, I told her the story. Told her I had fun, she said she was glad I came and smiled. I looked her in the eyes, but she looked back, I could tell how exhausted she really was, chuckles and she says "On that note, I'll see you tomorrow, don't be down". Didn't move closer to me either, I would have really had to grab her and kiss her without thinking fast. But I WAS thinking, I just told her a really sad story.
I really feel like crap. My uncle was my Godfather and really close, like a second dad. Really miss him. On the same time, I think I am just friendzoned and that's that, and that feels like crap. I was starting to really get to know her and fall for her a little before the party. Now no clue. The break and vacations don't help either.
Can you guys offer some insight or advice please? I know its long, and thanks so, so, so much if you read that. I'm really bumming it.
Here's some cliff notes to help out
-Met girl at where we "work" in college.
-Have a lot in common, her minor is my major.
-Start doing some stuff together, one on one, almost as a 'couple'
- After a recent big thing she invites me to her birthday party in person.
-2 hours before girl's party, informed of uncle's death. Decide to still go.
- Its a big party, have fun at first, she' soaking it up at her own party, not a whole lot of attention my why (but some I'll admit) and getting really drunk.
- The party gets HUGE, I see her dancing with someone else, start to think about my uncle. Leave after 2 hours.
-Asks me Mon. morning if I had a good time.
- Tell her what happened.
- Agrees to take a study break and grab a bite, later that night.
- Bite goes fine, she's really tired and stressed out.
- She seems oblivious (thought I knew people) and honestly didn't remember much of the time I was there, when she was drinking, no obvious evidence of her hooking up with someone else.
- Study a bit together
-Take her home, have a little quiet moment in the car about my uncle, move seems possible but very uncomfortable (she's tired, stressed, not very close to me), she didn't really let it happen but who knows
So I've been doing some stuff with this one girl I met working on campus, we work as aides in the learning center/computer lab, and as luck/fate would have it we get off work at the same time Mondays/Wed. We had a good bit in common, her minor is my major, both from suburban Chicago. She is pretty comfortable around me and I can always make her laugh/smile. We talk in/after work all the time, its a chill job where 'potential drama' is kept to a minimum. We go to UW-Madison. We went to the season opener pep rally together (here for Men's Bball, the opening pep rally is insane - she had never gone to one), it was very fun and exciting, and I followed it up quickly with a nice/easy dinner together a few days later that went well. Didn't force any moves, just having fun and seeing where it went. And interest I guess seemed to be growing? Last week after work I was walking her to the library, I was gathering up the courage to ask her out on a 'real date' then and there so to speak but I got an unexpected turn in my favor. I ask her what she was doing this weekend and she says its her and her (female) two friends (combined - because of Thanksgiving) birthday party and that I should come. I of course say yeah I'd love to, sounds awesome. She IMMEDIATELY texts me the address to the house its at and tells me to text her Saturday for more specifics about it.
Ok so the evening of the party. Text her what time to come? and she gets back to me about an hour later. 10:00. At about 8:30, I get a call from my dad saying that my uncle had passed away earlier in the day, albeit not totally unexpectedly, of complications from cancer. I was pretty shocked and devastated, he was supposed to make it. And had a decision to make. A) Not go and not tell her why and look like an a$$ (in the moment only), because she might have really wanted me to go. B- Not go and tell her why, and risk really bumming her out right before her party. C) Just go and see what happens and try not to think about it. After all I would of been more sad if I was all alone. I went with option C, the other two just seemed kinda selfish and I would have probably blown it on top of being down and out.
Well the party wasn't to surprising. (We're both of legal drinking age, just fyi I'm 23, she turned 22) I get there, she greets me, there were probably like 30 people there at that point with more ever arriving. I didn't know a single person. She gave me a quick hug, said she was glad I came, and pointed me to the keg. She was pretty drunk and getting more so, she never really introduced me to anyone, I was kind of upset about that. But I knew that standing alone was no good. I quickly start to mingle. Take a keg stand (to which the party stopped, counted, and cheered) she actually came up to me and gave me a hug again and 'Was like haha I'm glad you did that, that was awesome' talked very breifly, she went to go mingle. I start a game of flip cup which was fun, she plays like two of three rounds next to me, but quickly left because the pace of drinking was too much.
She was getting attention from other dudes for sure. Not like all other them, but it was definitely there. But it was her friends and her party, I was doing my best to just mingle, have fun, and in a way show her I can function around her friends. Not follow her around, be all over her, etc. Well after the flip cup game and getting to know some more people (past 11 now) the party was big. A legit kegger. I had lost her for awhile, and we met up again. She's really drunk at this point, and she goes to the dance floor, which had newly formed. She touched my shoulder/arm before she went, but not in a 'follow me' type of way. I was about to follow her and start dancing, but she was dancing only with her girlfriends in like a circle. Didn't know what to do lol. Well around midnight its completely packed. I started to get sick of meeting new people, every person I saw/talked to was the first time I saw that person in my life, and now it was packed and loud, rendering convo not there. I see her dancing with some other guy, kind of grinding up on each other. Made me really uncomfortable, but again its her party and it is that type of party.
Just kind of standing in a sea of people, didn't know anyone, girl was dancing with someone else. I started to remember what had happened earlier when someone said my uncle's name. I had done decently enough (surprised myself) how quickly I forgot about it, but it really did only last so long, happens when you get drunk. I was there two hours the size had gone from ~30 and fun, to 100+ and crowded/loud with no one to talk and getting depressed about things. I just slipped out the door and left. I had done my best.
Walked home, really didn't have a good day Sunday, really just sad about the whole thing. Fast forward to this morning. She texts me 'Hey I hope you had a good time, I would have said bye to you but I never saw you leave' which was nice. I told what what had happened before the party and I went because I wanted to see her and wish her a happy birthday. She immediately was shocked and said sorry, said I was brave for coming. Talk a little bit about school, asked her if she wanted to take a study break with me at the campus dining hall. She says yeah, she'll be in the library all day, stressing about tests/papers.
Meet up at the dining hall and its fine. She was really stressed out about school since its 'hell week' right before fall break. We talked about the party. She had a lot of fun, but was totally oblivious to a lot of stuff. Asked me if I had known anybody coming there - I said no only you. Didn't remember too much from earlier in the party, only vaguely aware I was even there (as in she knew I had come but had very little specific details) I was kind of put off but wasn't sure if that was the right mindset. Kind of inquired how she ended her night (attempt to see if she hooked up), seemed like she didn't, got a ride home with her friends from a DD, but who really knows. Let it all go. Asks if I want to come to the computer lab with her to study a bit. We have the same class, just different sections/times and said class has a test tomorrow.
Studied a bit. Like an hour and a half. Both of us were tired, her way more so, and she was really concerned about her school stuff. But its all fine. We are in my car and we get to her house. I thanked her for coming with me to eat. She said she was really sorry about my uncle and we had kind of a brief quiet moment together. She asked what happened, I told her the story. Told her I had fun, she said she was glad I came and smiled. I looked her in the eyes, but she looked back, I could tell how exhausted she really was, chuckles and she says "On that note, I'll see you tomorrow, don't be down". Didn't move closer to me either, I would have really had to grab her and kiss her without thinking fast. But I WAS thinking, I just told her a really sad story.
I really feel like crap. My uncle was my Godfather and really close, like a second dad. Really miss him. On the same time, I think I am just friendzoned and that's that, and that feels like crap. I was starting to really get to know her and fall for her a little before the party. Now no clue. The break and vacations don't help either.
Can you guys offer some insight or advice please? I know its long, and thanks so, so, so much if you read that. I'm really bumming it.
Here's some cliff notes to help out
-Met girl at where we "work" in college.
-Have a lot in common, her minor is my major.
-Start doing some stuff together, one on one, almost as a 'couple'
- After a recent big thing she invites me to her birthday party in person.
-2 hours before girl's party, informed of uncle's death. Decide to still go.
- Its a big party, have fun at first, she' soaking it up at her own party, not a whole lot of attention my why (but some I'll admit) and getting really drunk.
- The party gets HUGE, I see her dancing with someone else, start to think about my uncle. Leave after 2 hours.
-Asks me Mon. morning if I had a good time.
- Tell her what happened.
- Agrees to take a study break and grab a bite, later that night.
- Bite goes fine, she's really tired and stressed out.
- She seems oblivious (thought I knew people) and honestly didn't remember much of the time I was there, when she was drinking, no obvious evidence of her hooking up with someone else.
- Study a bit together
-Take her home, have a little quiet moment in the car about my uncle, move seems possible but very uncomfortable (she's tired, stressed, not very close to me), she didn't really let it happen but who knows
drg2365 on
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If you like her and want to date her, tell her that and ask her what she thinks. There is really no other advice to be given here. If you can't do that, either gladly accept this friendship at face value, or take the necessary steps to back away from the situation.
Also, see if your school has counseling services available (they probably do). It doesn't have to be a big thing at all, but dropping in to talk to someone about this stuff can probably help sort you out better than anyone here could.
Thanks, just staying up all night/studying thinking. I'll be active in this thread. Its just really confusing. I'm really fine about my uncle, thanks for suggesting outlets. Like I said it wasn't totally unexpected out of left field, he was sick, they just thought he would get better. It really just emotionally exasperated this whole situation for me, leaving me torn up. Medical cliffs had stomach cancer, cancer caused a lesion on brain. Docs didn't want to operate - close to major vein in brain, was doing well, had brain aneurysm.
On one hand we legitimately had some good times together. We could make each other laugh and smile. I'm not the most social cat out there plus bad with women. And after getting past her quiet facade (no clue if that's the right term to use), she's pretty social and has a large functioning social life, she's a pretty girl, just smarter than most and has an awkward streak. On the other hand well, haven't we all heard stories of girls more interested in a guy?
The quirk in all of this is I haven't 'made a move' on her. She seems like a relatively good girl and hasn't blatantly green lighted me yet, but I do try to keep it fun and do my best to be flirty. Like at the rally, instead of flop sweating over holding her hand/kissing her, I just showed her a great time at/in a place she had never experienced before, just kind of hoping if things would work, they would work. The party completely through me off. I knew exactly 1 person there. That person was the object of my interest (legitimately, not like she texted me 'bring all your friends, having a kegger at xyz', it was a personal 'I want you to come' invitation). That person was also the birthday girl and well, partied like a senior in college would her birthday. A literal WAT DO? situation.
Friends gave me all kinds of advice. From good to just trolling. Most were stumped, and still are. She cared enough about me to spend a rather long time with me again, very soon after her party. She showed signs of obliviousness as noted in the story, but also had a quiet verbally intimate moment together that you only have with someone you care about. I'm not sure if I can have that conversation about dating with her, feel sort of insecure.
It's possible that you're misreading female attention as romantic interest. She seems to have a ton of friends, and is very sociable. Until you just plain ask her out on a date, you won't know.
Stop over-analyzing every detail in your interactions with her. This is not a successful strategy for relationships/friendships.
Christ, dude.
If anyone friendzoned anyone here it's you friendzoning yourself.
You're hanging out with this girl and and kind of expect her to just know you're interested without doing anything to actually let her know. You called her oblivious, but I'm not sure why. She invited you to a large party that she partially hosted and didn't spend the entire time with you. She's the host, she can't spend her entire time with you. That would make her a bad host.
Ask her out. On a date. Make it explicit that you are interested in her romantically.
That said, I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy losing a person you know and care about.
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I know you guys are both right, I really can't argue. It was/is just pent up frustration and confusion veiled behind something really terrible. I'm not thinking ill of her at all, or that I was owed something for anything.
I guess the point of this thread is that I was really confused after this whole thing. And of course I have devastating matters to attend to right around what is supposed to be a happy holiday.
But I really tried to have a good time at this party. Surprisingly fairly successful, and that's actually a bigger step for me than a lot of you know. Said good time simultaneously involved a possible culmination of a thing with a girl that had been developing for a bit, who told me in person she wanted me to be there. She enjoyed her and her friends combo party as any attractive 22 year old would. I didn't know any people there and my aggressiveness, which is not very astute around girls admittedly anyways, was completely zapped. Focused on the atmosphere, not the girl mingling about, when that's literally what she's supposed to be doing. But I had a good start and just parted ways with the situation once it ran its course for myself. And she did pay me some attention, I wasn't unnoticed at all, and knew that it was her night. But navigating through a giant party where I know one person was really hard, especially given the situation.
After not knowing what to make of that. Yesterday just made me more confused. She checked up on if me to see if I had a good time, recognized I had left without her knowing. A pretty good sign in and of itself. Told her the straight up truth, why lie? Spent time with me that day, she wanted to. Had a quieter moment in the car, one where two people can kind of connect. Granted said quiet moment is usually scripted for a move of some sort. But this was a different situation than most, she was inquiring/listening about something painful, and I that's why I didn't try.
Hey dude, congrats on that! It was definitely very brave of you to go to-- and stay at-- that party. Now use that bravery of yours to just directly tell the girl you're interested!
(I should note that you don't necessarily have to do this immediately, with everything that's going on! Make sure you do deal with the passing of your uncle, because while you might THINK you've got that under control already, it will almost certainly sneak up on you if you don't face your feelings head-on, preferably by talking about him with someone. Since this was recent, if you want to go to any services for him that are being held, that might help as well. I personally don't like going to those things-- and I couldn't have made it in the most recent case-- so I've had to sort through my own recent family passing in a different way, and that's okay too. You also may want to let your professors know what happened, since this is already a stressful time to be a student and you might end up with the event interfering with your studies like I did, so you'll want them to be supportive.)
If you're feeling confused about it, I would imagine she is too. Like you said, she's an attractive 22 year old woman, and she's probably expecting more than the subtle hints you're giving. She obviously likes spending time with you, otherwise she wouldn't. It seems like you're waiting for her to make the first move and be assertive in pursuing some type of romantic relationship. She may not be that kind of person. You may have to be the one who makes the first move if anything is going to happen.